Partner Reaction?

[TDM2023]

I just reached out to the Forum and had some wonderful, supportive relies as I've had a recent diagnosis and I'm mentally really struggling to cope. Does anyone else out there struggle with how your partner has reacted to your diagnosis of emphysema? Mine says how bad it is for him at the thought of how he'll be able to cope by himself when I die. He says he needs to focus on his own fitness so he can look after me when I go downhill. He's limited in mobility after a bad accident where I nursed and cared for him and is focused on his rehabilitation understandably. But I feel very alone. Anyone else in a similar situation? I cry every day.

[Lol1944]

perhaps you could say more regarding your diagnosis as to how good or otherwise your health is. It is twenty years since my diagnosis and I can still do everything I could do at sixty but at a much reduced pace. It is important to keep on the go within the bounds of your health. You have not received a death sentence by any means. You will receive excellent advise on this forum

[Caspiana]

Goodness me. Although I can understand him feeling a bit overwhelmed he seems to be making it about himself rather than you. I haven't read your previous post but if your emphysema is fairly mild then chances are the disease usually progresses slowly. There is absolutely no reason why you cannot live a fairly long life, Being a non smoker and active goes a long way. Diet and exercise are key to keeping yourself mobile for the long term. Do not despair. Life is not over. It's just a different chapter.

Cas 🙋‍♀️🐕

[Skatergirl1]

hi TDM2023. Firstly I would like to say I’m sorry for the way your partner has reacted, but I would say, now you need to concentrate on yourself for a while and put yourself first. If you do everything they tell you on your pulmonary rehab course I am sure in a couple of months you will feel better and stronger both physically and mentally. When I was first diagnosed 7 years ago, age 55 I thought it was game over!! But in fact it gave me the kick up the backside I needed to change my lifestyle. I quit smoking, got fitter and can do more now than when I could on diagnosis. Yes I have learned to do things differently and have adapted my daily routine accordingly, but am by no means debilitated. I have severe copd emphysema and bronchitalities, with a fev of 30%, still work part time and walk my little dog daily ( I got him as a rescue and his little face and excitement makes sure i take him out daily) but he is my personal trainer to ensure I get daily excercise 😊. Put yourself and your needs first at the moment and hopefully you will see that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you well

[gingermusic]

I have had Emphysema and then diagnosed with Bronchiectasis as well later on and I have been like this now for 34 years and ok there are now things I can no longer do but I still get out and about and enjoy life, so tell your partner not to be so morbid and think of happier thoughts as you are not about to die. Best wishes to you both

[CDPO16]

When I was diagnosed in 2014 ny husband was deternined to care for me. My disease has progressed rapidly and I am now very severe, very disabled and very dependent on my husband. Time has taken it's toll and I see him struggle each day. It's impossible to know how we will be but I don't expect hubby to cope with our worsening situation. I have support from hospice at hime, district nurses and good GPs but the strain on my husband is still there.

[Mooka]

Your last post says you have no idea how bad your diagnosis is Maybe both of you are over reacting. Can I suggest that you both embark on a fitness routine, either together or separately, to improve both of your lives. Maybe this will give you both a more positive outlook. Maybe worth a chat to your GP to see what your results show. Good luck.

[PurpleEllie]

Hi, I’m so sorry that he is behaving in this way, especially if he was not like this before. My husband is the same, I’m afraid, and I have not found a “magic” solution that I can pass on to you. As a bronch I get regular exacerbations which, sometimes, leave me unable to get out of bed for a few days. He just loses his temper and then starts picking on me for things that haven’t been done around the house! My only tip is to not retaliate, or shout back. He eventually realises how badly he has behaved and will apologise. I believe he is afraid of what the future might hold for him, but refuses to talk to me about it.

I sincerely hope he will be able to come to terms with his feelings and start to think of you and the support that you need from him.

Take good care of yourself xx

[Numptybrain]

So sorry your husband reacted this way, he is being really selfish concentrating on him instead of you. My husband was very similar too, unless it’s focused on him he doesn’t want to know but hey ho . A diagnosis doesn’t mean doom and gloom, it means changes and looking after yourself so make sure you do it and let him look after himself.

Take care

Wendy xx

[Souielouie]

bless you 🥰 sending you love & hugs 🤗

[Nula2]

Hi, live on my own so can't offer any advice about partners! But sounds as though this won't be helping your health at all. Try to focus on keeping yourself as well as possible and not on the unkind words. Take care ❤️xxx

[Alberta56]

I'm sorry you're in this sad position. I volunteered for some years in a centre for disabled people, several of whom had been deserted by their partners. (Sorry men, but far more men than women.) You need to look after yourself- can you find an exercise class near you that appeals to you? Exercise and healthy eating should mean you get worse very slowly- your partner is worrying about something that may never happen. No comment on his attitude, though several choice descriptions come to mind. xxxx

[MoyB]

Presumably this has been a recent shock for both of you and we all react differently to what we perceive to be bad news. You are dealing with it one way and your partner another.

I think you both need time to get your head around things and realise that life goes on!

If your relationship before diagnosis was a good one, don't let this get in the way. You may need to look after each other.

I found the best thing was to ask my husband to come along to appointments related to my condition. That way, he could judge for himself whether I was able to manage things or not.

I think there may have been some denial in the early days. One of the first questions he asked the doctors was all about medication - did I really need to take so much and why was I so tired. They helped him to understand that all my meds were necessary and probably they, along with my condition, were causing me to keep nodding off. At that time, my body was trying to cope with several different conditions and life wasn't easy for either of us. It helped my husband to be party to all discussions about my treatment.

I can see where your husband is coming from, though. He is focussing on the far off future as it is probably easier for him to do that. He thinks he's going to be more help to you if he gets stronger and by focussing on that, he doesn't have to think about the here and now.

I think you both need time to come to terms with things. Take one day at a time for now and he will soon realise that you are still the same person you were before.

Aim to work as a team if you can.

But remember what others have said, you can remain fit and active for many years with emphysema and keeping active both physically and mentally will be great for you both. You may need to adapt to different levels of ability but you'll get there.

xx Moy

[tomc]

I have a lot of disabilities, Everytime I say to my wife "" awww I feel really bad breathing today" She will say "OHHHH SO DO I" so , Ianswer well see a blooming doctor then!!!

I find it really annoying and frustrating when someone say`s "OH I've got that, and then they run after the van for a packet of fags.

[tomc]

Sorry, but as to dying... NA, You look after yourself Take your meds. and tell your hubby to get a grip!!