Difficult decision

[Blackhear]

I need advice about my mum who has mild dementia wanting to smoke cigarettes again. She's had an ecig for 7 years and suffers from copd. A friend got her a pack and now she wants more. Do I keep her happy or refuse. Shes 90 and very unhappy because she has no cigarettes left....

[sassy59]

Controversially I’d say let her have her cigarettes but you’d have to be sure she didn’t start a fire. Dementia is a progressive, unpredictable disease. You might find she will forget about smoking soon.

Thinking of you and your mum. Xxxxx

[Blackhear in reply to sassy59]

Thanks for the reply. She can still look after herself and im not worried about her starting a fire. I'm just torn, I'd be the one getting them for her and I know it'll make her copd worse but seeing her now so miserable is just as bad....

[sassy59 in reply to Blackhear]

I don’t envy you. See how things go and maybe try some sort of distraction. Dementia is so complex. Xxx

[Bevvy]

I agree with sassy59. Your mum is 90yrs and unhappy best to let her be happy.There could be a fire risk due to dementia. Get a fire risk assessment from the fire brigade. Can be arranged through social services. They will assess risk and provide items to decrease risk. Eg fire retardant rugs and blankets.

[Hidden]

I have no real words of wisdom, but want to say I really feel for you that someone else has put you in this position. I guess the question to ask is how much capacity does your mum have? What decisions is she capable of making on her own? If you would generally trust her to make medical decisions independently, and the only thing stopping her from buying them herself is the physical opportunity, then it’s much harder to say she lacks the capacity to decide to start smoking again. However, whenever you’re talking about capacity, it’s always assessed on a decision by decision basis, not a blanket judgement that someone isn’t fully capable, or only capable in certain areas. I know it’s not the same, but my teen has additional needs that mean she’s not deemed Gillick competent, which is the test of whether a minor can make medical decisions and consent to treatment, so we collectively have to decide whether she’s capable of understanding and making medical/treatment decisions for herself on an issue by issue, case by case basis, and will likely have to continue to do so in some circumstances once she is legally an adult. Part of that is asking does she truly, fully understand the short and long term consequences of the situation or course of action in question: I know she’s 90 and therefore in her twilight, but does your mum fully understand the possible physical consequences of smoking? If not, and there’s no obvious reason to think she might not live for another year, or two, or five, I think that would make it an easier no, for me. In those circumstances, I would treat it the same as my daughter: she doesn’t understand the consequences, so however upset she might be, she needs to be protected from harming herself, inadvertently or otherwise.

[MELNEL]

Hiya ☺️ I agree with sassy, let her have some, maybe not a full packet take some out that she didn't smoke so many. Try to explain your concern, maybe ask if you can make something nice to eat for her to get her mood a bit up. Food can be a great help special when she has a sweet tooth 😁 there must be something to make her smile a bit? Best wishes and stay safe and warm 🍀🍀🍀😘

[skischool]

I think at your mums age her happiness is far more important than the medical reasons for your mum to stop smoking and if as others have said she has the cognitive ability to be safe in doing so then if i where in your position i would accomadate her needs,perhaps with the proviso that i would also restrict the supply in order that she didn't develope a serious decline in her medical condition.I once had the power of attourney for my wife under the guidance of the court of protection after she suffered an extremely severe stroke that destoyed the best part of her brain for both her financial well being but also to act on her behalf in a medical sense,the latter being rarely granted and normaly left with the Nhs so i also know the resposibility that goes hand in hand with those duties and it can be an incredibly difficult situation at the best of times to get things right.

Wishing you the best of luck and peace and happiness for your mum.

Ski's and Scruff's

[Hidden]

I’m 90 and would love to smoke my pipe again. I stopped smoking 20 or 30 years ago. The reason I won’t be buying myself a pipe is only because i know it would cause me extreme discomfort, not because of health issues or because my daughter didn’t want me to. If your mum gets pleasure from smoking cigarettes that is wonderful, very few things do when you reach 90.

[CDPO16]

Oh dear, what a pity the friend bought her the cigarettes but probably meant well. In view of your mum's age I would let her smoke and be happy. While it will worsen her COPD, it may also be something else entirely that ends her life.

[Kristicats]

My mum is 90. She’s going downhill now health wise . I do not question now ,what she wants she gets. I want her to enjoy her time she has left, Cx

[hypercat54]

I emphasise coz I had to do the same for my mother. She didn't want cigarettes fortunately but she did crave sweet things and certain drinks. All her life she hadn't eaten many biscuits or chocolate but developed a craving for them. We got her all the biscuits and chocolate she wanted and that with her drinks made her happier.

She still liked getting her hair done and her feet so she got those too. Anything she wanted she got.

[Angelbirty]

Aw bless her! I’d say just let your mum make her own decisions. Being stressed because she wants a cigarette could be more harmful for her mental health and well being by not letting her have them. If she can make her own choices then let her. Don’t feel guilty at all , it’s her body her health and she’s the one living it. Life is too short and doing what makes you happy is the best tonic. My Dad gave up smoking over 10 yrs ago and was ill ever since he gave with Diabetes from eating too much to replace the craving of cigarettes , then he suffered a twisted bowel and hernia which nearly killed him then sepsis 3 yrs ago he was never ill when he smoked and died on January 4th this year from Pancreatic cancer only diagnosed the previous September . In his last few days he was pretending to smoke a cigarette laying on the sofa dying. He died at 72 my dad was like a teenager running around still working helping my brother being a mechanic and helping run his business he was full of life and so active right up till September.

My husband smoked all his life too and had to give up because of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis in the lungs and had to give up due to being on oxygen since February this year. He was a mechanic working 10 hrs a day doing the work of two men right up till February 4th the day before my Dads funeral. He kept saying I’d love a cigarette but I can’t breathe and being stuck on oxygen since Feb unable to move without oxygen and not being able to work in a garage with oxygen He developed really bad anxiety since giving up smoking and couldn’t go to work to provide for his family mentally this killed him and he died on May 4th 2021 four months after my Dad. He was 53. Rest in peace both I hope you are both smoking again doing what you enjoyed.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this as we all do what makes us happy and gets us through the tough journey we are all on.

Make your mums wishes come true if that’s what makes her happy. When you have an addiction sometimes it’s hard to break.

The only person who can do that is herself, if she wants to.

You are not to blame if you let her have them if she’s asked for them then that’s her choice. So don’t worry. Enjoy your time with your mum and give her what she wants because one day she’ll be gone and you’ll know you did everything to make her happy in her final years. Life is too short!

God bless you both

Life is for Living and not feeling stressed.

xxx

[sassy59 in reply to Angelbirty]

So sorry for your loss Angelbirty. Hugs to you. Xxxx❤️

[Angelbirty in reply to sassy59]

Aw thank you xxx❤️😇

[Walkwalkwalk in reply to Angelbirty]

What a year you are having Angelbirty. I am so sorry for both the losses that you are having to cope with and that you can find time and sustenance for your own well-being. You may still be reeling from all that had happened but do take care.

With every best wish.

Grace

[Alberta56]

What a dilemma. Can you try weaning her on to chocolate?

[Aingeful]

You said that she has been smoking e cigs for 7 years? They are a health risk in themselves!? Does your mum live with anyone else who would be affected by her smoking? If so,I think that this needs to be addressed too. She manages alone but suppose this altered the situation and she needed constant care. Can you cope?How many does she normally smoke? All of us who have smoked in the past know how addictive it is! Even though I enjoyed it myself,no way do I ever want to smoke again! Distraction would be my method and trying to make my mum happy in less harmful ways.Good luck!

[Yatzy]

My mum is 101 and used to smoke till about five years ago. Only about five a day but gradually as she aged and became more incapable physically, she also became increasingly blind, it became much more difficult and she gradually gave it up. She says it was really the triggers that disappeared. She used to smoke routinely when washing up, for example, but gradually she couldn’t wash up and that cig went. The last to go was the one after her breakfast. Being blind, she needed her carer to help her light up, some carers more willing than others, and she eventually decided the pleasure wasn’t worth the pain of asking them.

I have to admit that I never personally bought her cigarettes, as an asthmatic the smoke made me cough so much, but my sister and her friendly neighbour willingly did so. Again she realised that I could only be with her if she didn’t smoke while I was there, and the stupidity of the situation gradually got to her.....I am her main and most willing visitor As my asthma got worse and worse, she obligingly gave up that fag too. I have to say that since she gradually stopped smoking all together, and had her storage heaters changed to gas CH, my breathing while with her and in the hours after, has improved remarkably.

In principle, I went along with her smoking to increase her own pleasure but now realise it was doing more harm than it was worth to others around her. I have to say that she has now put her pleasure energies into drinking sherry!! Again she’s too infirm to get it herself now, but it did become a health risk for a while and had to be curbed. Falling became a major risk and only paramedics could cope with lifting her. And again, she decided this inconvenience to others couldn’t go on, and we hatched a plan together, that she has managed to tolerate , before lunch and tea only. She got there eventually.

So think round the situation, her personal pleasure , even being so old, is not the only consideration.

[Hidden in reply to Yatzy]

What a perfect example of family harmony, Penny, it brought a lump to my throat. 😊

[Yatzy in reply to Hidden]

Crikey, Don.....it doesn’t always feel like harmony, though I suppose at heart it is! Just off to see her again now, her speaking clock is on the blink....😉🙃

[Hidden in reply to Yatzy]

There's one thing that got me puzzled, how did your mum smoke a cigarette whilst doing the washing up? 🤔

[Yatzy in reply to Hidden]

Well she is a former pub landlady, before the days of glass washers, and the cigarette used to perch between her lips as she went, washing up endless glasses, occasionally removing to knock off the ash. That habit carried on for domestic washing up, long after we’d left the pub. I sometimes blame the habit for her macular degeneration that was diagnosed about 14 yrs ago. All that smoke drifting up her face endlessly can’t have helped. So there you have it. Otherwise she’s a very polite lady 😊🥰

[Hidden in reply to Yatzy]

That explains the ‘harmony’ bit then. Years of listening to people telling her all their problems whilst propping up the bar expecting and probably getting wise advice with their pint of best bitter. We might have met your mum and I. 😀😍xx

[judes]

At 90 I’d say let her have what she wants and be happy, stress would prob do more harm.

My mother is in her late eighties never smoked but she does like a whisky/gin at lunchtime and home measures are always bigger than pub measures. My sister in law does her shopping but she always gets her booze on line. Me thinks she is drinking large measures and doesn’t want others to know how much she is drinking!

At her age she has few pleasures so let her get on with it.

J

[Aingeful in reply to judes]

I like a tot of whisky at bedtime myself.Of the two habits,I class this as the least harmful.

[Hellodolly]

Hi thereJust to echo what others have said really. My mum had dementia and I really know how hard the journey of caring is.

Your mum may forget about smoking again, but if she’s craving some calming nicotine at the moment, then it’s her choice now. She probably has very few areas of her life where she feels autonomous.

It’s up to you of course, but my opinion would be to let her have what she wants.

Best wishes

[MoyB]

In situations like this I always think it's worth thinking, 'How would I like to be treated if I was 90 and wanted to smoke?'

I am a life-long anti-smoker, having been brought up coughing and spluttering in a house with two chain smoking parents. I cannot bear to be around cigarettes or cigarette smoke.

However, my personal addiction is to chocolate and carbohydrates that probably do me just as much harm in the long run. So, how would I feel if I was 90 and someone else decided that I shouldn't have those things? I'd be hopping mad and probably very frustrated that someone else was making that decision for me. It would make me very unhappy.

I agree with others that, as long as your mum is able to manage smoking safely (ie she's not going to start a fire) it's her decision whether to or not and it's probably kinder to buy the cigs for her. If you don't get them, she'll probably find someone else who will.

I remember having a personal struggle once when a colleague asked me to buy cigarettes for her when I went out at lunch time. I bought them, but I hated doing it. Another colleague asked me to bring some back from abroad and I refused, although that was partly because I didn't want to carry them and also because I knew I would wait a long time for the money. I always felt uncomfortable about refusing, though. If you are as anti-smoking as I am (and it sounds as though you are too) it is hard to buy cigs for other people, but your mum isn't just a colleague or a friend, she's your mum. And that's different.

In the end, you have to do what feels ok for you, but I shouldn't fret too much about your mum smoking, as long as she's safe and can afford it.

xx Moy

[Thepainterswife]

I worked in a care home for the elderly for many years and they were always allowed to smoke if they wanted to , the thinking being , as others have said, that they had few enough pleasures . They were encouraged to stick to just a few per day , maybe after each meal and before bed and no one was allowed a lighter ( they were locked away when not needed) If you’re sure your mum is safe I don’t see any reason for her not to have the odd cigarette, I’m sure it would be a real pleasure for her and something to look forward to .

[Hidden]

Not that I remember. Doesn't mean I haven't. 🙄x