not alone?

My husband has been suffering from heart problems for years but now has a lung condition which means he's on oxygen every day; I am finding life difficult as he sleeps most of the day! He doesn't worry about it but I am so depressed; am I being selfish?

[HungryHufflepuff]

You’re not being selfish. A serious illness can be as hard on the family as it is on the person suffering from the condition, sometimes more so because your life is equally as disrupted, plus you have the worry and sadness of seeing your loved one suffer.

You can hang out with us all here, it’s not the same as being able to go out, but you are not alone.

Thinking of you and your husband. 💐

[Hidden in reply to HungryHufflepuff]

Thank you for this - you have really helped with your support. Really appreciated.

[Caspiana]

Hello Hidden . 👋

Very tough one. 😐I've been both. A caregiver and a patient. I am assuming you are his caregiver? Depression in caregivers is common. Maybe as common as the person suffering illness. It also appears to be more common in women. And men deal with it differently. It's often overlooked. Not only do you have to put your own emotional and physical needs on the back burner, you also are mourning the life you once led. You know that it won't be the same again. And that is very extremely difficult. You aren't being selfish. These are normal feelings.

I may be speaking out of turn, and I do apologise if I am, but I think you need to talk to others who may be in the same sort of situation. Perhaps you could talk to your GP about how you are feeling? They may be able to direct you to sources of support for people in a similar situation. It is so very easy to become isolated when caring for an ill loved one. It easily becomes your whole world. If you can, could you go out on your own (or with friends/family) on a regular schedule? Is he okay on his own for a couple of hours? You definitely need to have some "you" time. Losing your own sense of identity is easy to do when consumed by a loved one's illness. Are there activities you both enjoy that can do together?

I don't know if this link will help, but I hope it will or it may give you some idea for other sources of support. Please do let us know how things are going. Sending hugs and love to you,

Cas xx 🙋🐕🐾

ageuk.org.uk/information-ad...

[Katinka46 in reply to Caspiana]

Wonderful reply, Cas.

I agree with every word.

K x

[Caspiana in reply to Katinka46]

😘 I've been thinking of you Kate. Hope you are okay. xx 🍀

[Hidden in reply to Caspiana]

So much support on this site -thank you Caspiana. Thinking that I am finding it even more difficult as I moved here with my then partner - now my husband- to France 10 years ago; for a new life! Not knowing one word of French (my friends called me crazy) but I was determined to learn & now can speak moderate french. So the language barrier doesn't help. But yes think that I really need some "me" time .

[Oshgosh]

Have you had a careers assessment?

Perhaps you could get access to a careers group?

Please remember,you have needs,they are not the same as your husbands needs.

I hope you can get some support.

[Hidden in reply to Oshgosh]

Thank you Oshgosh; this is another option.

[Bingo88]

As Caspiana as said so well. You need to have your chill time. My wife worries about my health more than me. I only had 2 minor problems. And are feeling great. I worry about my health too. But you have to look after yourself too. Hope your weekends good xxxBrian

[Hacienda]

Our very Wise Caspiana has said how we all Feel for you. My Hubby is my Carer, I do recognise the Stress my Illness puts on him, When I am Poorly it shows on him and when I'm Better we plan things together, just going shopping or planning something for the Future. He understands COPD, all my Meds, Oxygen. in & out of Hospital with me. He Cooks, Cleans and goes to evening work, so he is with me every day, We Celebrate our 20 Year Anniversary soon, They said it wouldn't last because of the Age Difference(17 years), They were all so wrong. He is my Hero, my Love and saviour. He is My Carer and I see the worry on his face, But he inspires me, to Breathe, makes me laugh. It is very hard for a carer Looking after an ill Wife/Husband. But as he says "in sickness & in Health". Love & Understanding to you Both. xxxxx C .

[Izb1]

You are certainly not selfish. It is hard being a carer and you really need a little time for yourself. Caspiana has given good advice, by joining a group of people that are all in the same position as yourself allows you to share your thoughts and worries x

[hallentine47]

Recently I attended my 4th Pulonary Rehab couse and one of the speakers gave us each a leaflet called "TALKWORKS". For when you need to get your life back on track. ring 0300 555 3344. It is NHS fee talking therapy service. Please give them a try amd let me know how you get on. Best of luck.

[Bella395]

alwaysnagging - your feelings are perfectly understandable and are probably normal for carers. You are not being selfish.

Unfortunately it’s difficult to know how to advise because you live in another country and few of us will know what services they have to help carers.

One thing I have learned as a long term carer is that I can’t do this on my own so I get all the professional help that I can. I suggest that you make enquiries into what is available to you in France and ask for support. I have tried various services, some have helped and others have been less successful. We carers know what we need but sometimes it’s worth trying things for the experience and to see if it is useful (or not).

You might be helped by joining the care community:

healthunlocked.com/care-com...

[Oshgosh]

Sorry,didn’t realise you weren’t in the uk