actually would be better off dead
had enough: actually would be better... - Lung Conditions C...
had enough
Written by
yvette1979
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60 Replies
•
Please don't say that somebody somewhere loves you xx
I agree with Newman's, please don't think that way, I know life throws so much at some people and life is not fair, discuss your feelings with family or anyone who will listen to you doctor maybe, we will always listen here, sometimes we need help and support don't be ashamed to ask for it, you really are not alone in this, good luck to you and let us know how you get on. Annette xxx
You are never alone you have us we are always around to chat or just listen,so come on start chatting,we will make you feel so much better,promise.
Please ask for help. I know how you are feeling. Is there a crisis team you could contact? Lots of caring people here . Thinking of you. xxx
my biggest problem right now is marriage stuff ........ actually dealing well with my copd stuff - thanks to the kick up the bum i got from the people on this site you were all amazing - spent so long feeling negative about the copd and now i feel so more positive about that ...... but its hard to stay positive because of other things feel like i'm fighting a losing battle
aww bless you I knw thtvfeeling like dealing with this isn't hard enough. without having problems in you're marriage.iam too going through the same thing.my hubby don't want to listen or care.i can't say stay strong because I can't my self.xx
it gets me how little i mean to him ...... we will get through this !!! x
I'm so sorry you are feel that way Yvette. I know this is 'officially' a lung problem site but we don't mind listening to anyone who needs to talk. Please don't worry about sharing with us.
thanks its sweet of you but really i wouldn't know where to start its all such a mess
No you wouldn't yvette1979 as you can't be anything when you are dead except dead. Can you give us some more information about yourself please and we will do our best to help. The fact that you have posted in here does mean you are not ready to give up yet. x
yvette1979• in reply to
the basic is this ... i'm 35 have copd stage 2 have 2 great kids 12 and 5 .. 1 of each ... and have been married for 12 and a half years and things were fine till the day before we got married and things have got progressively worse in this time - i never really saw his controlling ways till recently but mum has been saying about it from day go its got to the point where he has my bank card and he gives me shopping money and has got all the kids xmas presents second hand from ebay we've not really spoken or been in the same room for more than a few mins since 20th october because of a row we had ending with him telling me to drown myself in the bath
If it is a regular bank card you could go to the bank, or ring the number on the back of the statement and cancel the card.
That would stop that game. Arrange for an interview in private at your bank and ask for a new card to be issued to you in person at the bank. If you want a new card.
O2Trees• in reply to
That last sentence was exactly what i was thinking Cough.
Also marriage may not be directly what this site is about, but any problem is made all the more difficult to deal with when we've got a debilitating lung disease.
Y vetted I thought you were being honest with me when you said that you were really looking forward to going to see the wonderful Coca Cola roadshow. I meant it when I said how important it was to me. I can't see my kid or grandchild. I am ostracised as being never well enough to have a proper relationship. So to save the child being upset when she can't see me, it has been resolved by her never being allowed to visit me. Plus they live up stairs and and my wheelchair can't climb stairs.
My only motivation to get over this prolonged years of infections and organ failures is to make it to see the truck. Then I will need a new motivation to get through the next challenge of winter.
I am sure if you PM me we could talk about anything that has got you down again and find an extra lift to get you through the next 2 weeks until the truck arrives. Rib
Rib, my heart goes out to you. So sad you've been isolated from your family in this way for something which is not your fault. Devastating for you.
It is even better than that. They don't answer the phone because they have caller ID. They don't reply to text messages. They don't accept Skype calls. The don't acknowledge cards or send any either.
For a child in his forties he is very grown up. Especially as he lives just a 10 min drive away.
Hi Rib,
This is a truly awful situation for you to be in, but still you keep yourself motivated and are supportive of others. You have a brilliant attitude, and find yourself an achievable goal, and go for it. I think you are inspirational ( not a word I use a lot), and you could teach your family a thing or two about love. Not only are they depriving you of your grandchildren, but your son is also depriving his children of love, your love and shame on him. He will regret it one day, and so his children have missed out on getting to know you.
You still have us, your HU family, and I know its not quite the same as having your own flesh and blood, as I too am on my own and we just have to make the best of it. Get help when we need it and hope for the best.
All the best Rib,
hugs from Huggs xxxx 
Thanks Huggs. It is the our granddaughter I feel sorry for. At 5 yrs old she has only seen us about 5 times and probably only old enough to remember twice. As her father was our only child and this our only grandchild I have no other family. We miss the link all the more. One day she will reach an age where she will ask questions. No matter what poison they feed her now when she reaches 25 she will receive an inheritance from our lawyers. With photos of all the letters and cards that we wrote to her. So if she never received them she will wonder why. I am determined that she learn that it was not us who did not want her.
I am not bothered about getting help from my son. He has never helped before he married. Not even helped by going shopping or clearing the snow off the drive.
It is the harm he is doing to his only child.
Hi Rib,
Good on you for making sure your granddaughter will know one day the truth and that it was not your fault she wasn't in your life much. That was a great idea of taking the photos of all the letters and cards you sent her. One day she will know how loved she is by you and your wife, and will end up resenting her parents.
Its a great pity that someone independent cannot tell him the harm he is doing to his daughter, but you never know what will happen, and sometimes life throws in surprises that you don't expect.
All the best Rib, and take care,
hugs from Huggs xxxxx
Feel for you too Rib, how can anyone be so cruel. I would be desperately upset if I could not see my grandson and granddaughter but they do visit despite Pete's ill health. Family are so important and luckily they live very close by.
Enjoy the Coca Cola roadshow and bless you Rib. xxxxx
I will enjoy the Roadshow. I just hope that we can gee Yvette into still taking her children to see the magic of that huge American truck with all its lights. Something to lift her spirits.
Charming! I know it is hard and I feel for you but is it possible your marriage could be saved? I think you need to decide that first. If you had to leave him have you got somewhere for you and the kids to go? Your mothers? I don't know if you are working or not but you would be entitled to benefits (I presume you are in the UK) and surely anything would be better than the way you are living now?
It is better to seek a way out of this relationship if there is no hope for it than consider taking your own life. Think what this would do to your kids? And your mother? They all need you so stay with them please.
There is a depression site on here - Action on Depression - so have a gander in there. Stay with us though and we will do our best to help and support you. x
I know it's easier said than done but if you've somewhere to go, you might be much better off leaving him. Cancel the old bank card and get a new one.
Life's too short to let someone treat you like S**t and your only young. It will only get worse in the long run. Start looking after yourself and your kids and blow him.
• in reply tocasper99
absolutely right casper.
Yvette, Ive just checked out the Women's Aid website. What you describe is pretty much within the realms of psychological violence, its cruel and controlling behaviour, and it is clearly having an effect on your mental health.
Women's Aid produce a Survivors' Handbook, free to download, here's the link (sorry if it doesn't come as a link, I'm having trouble with links here, but just copy and paste.)
womensaid.org.uk/domestic-v...
This has advice on handling financial and all other aspects of domestic problems.
Hope it's useful. It might be worth seeing if there is a local group.
But stay posting about it all here too.
No you wouldn't. Don't let him do this to you. Think about your two beautiful children. Go to the bank and tell them he has your card. He sounds like a bully. Go to your local council and ask for the homeless department, they may be able to help you out or direct you where you need to go. Can you go to your mom's? go to the C.A.B and get as much info as they can give you. Go to the police if necessary. Go wherever you need. There are many people out there to help you, and you have us. It's not going to be easy, but he is not worth you feeling this way. xxx
Yes Yvette
You cannot stay with a man who abuses you like this, I watched my own daughter go through this for 18 years, until she felt so useless, dreadfully unhappy, no self esteem, just a broken women, I fought against him for 18 years also , but it was my daughters decision to put an end to the nightmare she was going through, the abuse went from emotional to physical, her children to were affected by all this, she has now got him out of their lives, he nearly had a heart attack he was so shocked at the strength she displayed, so please don't go through this hell, it never gets better, no matter what the man says, sorry and all that, do go and get help, there is so much out there for you and your children, I know you must be so tired of it all, but you will get the strength to help yourself, keep thinking how much you and your children are worth fighting for, believe me you are so worth it. Annette
Or...Yvette you could look deep inside and find out what you really want do, then get things in order and make a change there are organizations that can help,but you need to make the change. I can tell you things won't change unless you make the movements. If you're done with your husband and your marriage then move on...do the work needed for support..life shouldn't be intolerable if it is then it's unhealthy, not unlike your copd...take care of your Heath and your childeren..and live your life fill it with positive thoughts and goal...I wish you luck ...I have question,were things in the marriage respectful and open and trusting prior to yor diagnoses of copd?
Take care
no its always been the same ..... it was all a bit of a quick think we met got pregnant married and had a child all in 13 months .... we got together august and married in april (i wanted to wait for a christmas wedding )
mum warned me he was rushing it so he didn't have to put up his act for to long but i was loved up and stupid
Yvette, control freaks never change. My present wife was married to one for twenty years and he contolled every aspect of her life. She couldn't leave him because the council couldn't rehouse her due the fact that there was no physical abuse. Then about twelve or so years ago the law was changed to take in mental abuse and the council rehoused her. It was a struggle at first but she is now happy. We have been married for eight years and her life has been completely changed. You can do it too. If we can help further with information just PM me.
Bobby xxx
Dear dear Yvette,I have read this thread and the very kind responses. I am now 64 When I was your age I was living under the same kind of regime with a husband who controlled every penny in the household and constantly belittled me. I was 'chicken brains'. This is now classed as emotional and financial abuse. We are scared to get out because of our so called inadequaces, not least our chest problems. It took me six years to get out and it was the best thing I ever did. Take your life back. Not only will you gain freedom and respect for yourself, you will find a whole new world out there where you are valued for yourself. First you have to sort out money. If you pay into the joint account stop now, get your own account and cards. If you have no money of your own get to a solicitor and start the process. When I got my first interim maintenance order my solicitor was disappointed. I had never had so much money to myself and so began the process of independance. You will have to be brave, it isn't easy. Good luck, there is a lot of love for you on this site.
yvette1979• in reply to
i don't work ... i'm a stay at home mum .... and i have tried to get a solicitor but as i have no money no one whats to help and he works so not entitled to legal aid and even if i was has anyone tried to find a solicitor that takes legal aid these days ?????????
• in reply toyvette1979
Yes it's really difficult. I was the same but was lucky enough to get legal aid because my husband kept all of the money and I had none of my own. I know that things have changed because those who make the rules simply don't understand that there are people living like you. In effect it is slavery with psychological, emotional and financial abuse. I suggest that you talk to Citizens Advice to see how you can get help to get out of your situation. Remember that you are entitled to half of the family 'pot' however much your husband may like to think it all belongs to him plus financial support for the children whilst they are in full time education. Your only other option is to face him out and tell himthat you are not going to tolerate his behaviour any longer and that he is a bully. I doubt if it will do any good. It didn't with mine. I went on to have a happy life whereas he is a miserable so and so. Keep your chin up. And NEVER let this man drive you to consider throwing away the most precious thing - your life. You have so much support on here. Go for it girl.
Hi yvette, years ago my husband took my bank cards, but I was still working then so I arranged one in my name as I had my own secret account as well as the joint one.
Back then too I was paid the " family allowance" by a payment book at the post office so that helped to buy clothes for the kids.
When they changed that no account was taken for partners who control.
Is there a woman's aid association in your area ....there is here and they can offer support.
I know everything can be extra difficult when you have health problems as well, my husband moans about being saddled with an invalid.
Thinking of you take care and get all the help you can....talking about it here may be the first step.
Hello Yvette1979, sorry you are feeling down, stresses in marriage do that to you especially when you are ill. Your children are only young too and must be sensing the tension. As you see everyone on here as offered help. But I have to agree with the sentiment a leopard never chances its spots. If you want to save your marriage then you will have to accept that which you cannot change. Otherwise if it has become unbearable and you are so unhappy then you need to end your relationship, maybe with just a separation time to start with. Relate councillors are very good in these type of situations. It's about taking that first step and believe me it is possible to start a new life if you really want to, only you can make the final decision, I understand what it is like and the site is here to help if you need to talk but there are lots of agencies out there who can help once you decide. every best wish for new beginnings x
Oh Yvette! Get rid of him, he won't change - they never do! Now he knows (or at least, thinks) that he has you under his control, things will only get worse. Remember one thing - HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. If he did he wouldn't be treating you this way. I was married to a bully many years ago and there was nowhere to run in those days or anyone to help. Even the police turned a blind eye and called it a "domestic dispute."
I took my kids and ran. He then found me and kidnapped my children (a week before Christmas, and that still haunts me at this time of the year.). I never saw them for 8 years because the law in those days was determined by county. The children were taken away from him as he was an unfit Father, but he was given visitation rights even though he was the one in the wrong, and I was the one paying maintenance! The law is on you side nowadays Yvette - use it. You're still very young, don't waste your time on this excuse of a man. In a few years time you'll look back and wonder what all the fuss was about - believe me!? Life is so precious and passes so fast, don't waste it.
What fantastic replies you have had Yvette so you would definitely not be better off dead with such wonderful caring people on your side. You have two amazing kids too by the sound of it and they need their lovely mum. Your hubby sounds like quite a charmer and you most definitely need help and advice with that. I sincerely wish you well and hope that, in time, things will improve but please keep posting and talking as there is a lot of help on here.
Lots of love to you, xxxx
Yvette, my heart goes out to you. If you really have no love or respect for him please leave and build a life for your children and yourself. There is so much help out there now. I experienced a controlling husband when our son was born and I was dependent on him for money. I was young (21) and healthy so I had the fight in me plus I have always enjoyed a challenge and being willful and determined enjoy a battle of wills, but I changed and become a little deceitful with my money and since then have always kept a little hidden for me. I'm so glad you have opened your feelings on here. Good luck stay well and give your own peace of mind and happiness lots of consideration. xx
I too have felt like that on many occasions especially when I am coughing and can't get my breath. Obviously I don't know you or what your diagnosis is or your personal circumstances but while there is life there is hope. I felt particularly bad last week after being prescribed drugs that did not agree with me and made me nauseous as well as breathless &, I admit, thoughts of suicide did cross my mind. Just to be free of the struggle! Then, I looked at my little cat & thought about my family & after advice from the BLF helpline I stopped taking the pills and felt better. Well at least I could eat. Of course I am still struggling with this vile disease but hey as Elton John once sang " I'm still Standing.' Remember, 'This too shall pass.'
Hang on in there.
Malinka
"I am 35 and I have two great kids" Just concentrate on that thought - forget COPD and an apology of a husband. you have LIFE and an obligation to live it, if only for the sake of those kids - do you really want them to grow up under the influence of a control freak? You gave them life - use every means in your power to make sure they enjoy it. Bullies are always cowards so enlist the help of everyone and his dog to show this one you mean business. It would help to know if you are UK based as societal help varies from country to country. Here endeth the second kick up the bum - well, the first one seemed to work! Chin up.
What a swine he is. You've had some wonderful replies of support Yvette, I hope they will give you the strength to take back your own life and stop being his victim. These people are so clever at diminishing their spouses/partners in every way.
Time to stop this now.
Baby steps. One day at a time, do everything in your power to get stronger. Do not be afraid any longer. You're only 35, your whole life ahead of you and believe me, you can have some fantastic times ahead with your children.
I became single at 41. Whilst not for the same reasons, my heart was broken, I was broken but I absolutely fought it because I had three wonderful children.
When I was really down I made a list. A silly list of things I wanted to achieve within five years. It seemed like a joke list but I ignored things like being penniless and wrote my dreams. They included getting my large motorcycle licence, learning to sail, ging to Japan and Austrailia to name but a few. Only a few years later I found that list and found I'd done the lot.
There is definitely light at the end of the tunnel and I wish you all the strength and luck to see it.
Try the above tips won't you. Be strong. Peege xx
Ending a marriage is not easy I know but when its got this bad then you need to find help as mentioned and get the hell out of it, for you, for your children and for Christmas ..... all the very best xxxxx
Thanks budgies mum. I know well that I am not alone. There was a Thread not many months ago discussing how disabled sufferers had been dumped by their family because of their failure to understand how we can be unwell for years. The common accusations being that "Oh you had that wrong with you xx years ago". As if we should have got well again after a couple of weeks of tablets. I haven't heard of a pill that grows new legs. LOL
• in reply toRibvanRey
Thank you for your reply. I deleted my message ..purely because I feel so ashamed the good folk here would know
how our son has treated us. I have copd ,,but the anxiety caused during the first year or so caused my condition to deteriorate .We are almost certain it was because of our future investments etc etc. that upart him.
Our grandson knows of my Hubby's unexpected health
problem and surgery in a few days time ........but not a
peep from them.
Still onward and upward. !!!!!!
We live in south Linc's . lovely area.
RibvanRey• in reply to
PM
I have a friend who I used to work with she would do extra shifts rather than going home to her controlling husband she is older than me but we get on really well. She had a stroke about 2 years before her retirement age and her husband takes advantage of her even more now.
I think you should kick him in to the gutter and your COPD will be a walk in the park, when you get flu or a flair up it can be very difficult the last thing you need is metal abuse from him.
We are always hear for you take care
been there, done that.
First, go to bank, say you're card's been stolen & needs cancelling & you need another one. Then open an account just in your name, transfer as much dosh from everywhere into it ..... & don't tell a soul about it.
Then tell hubby to bugger off ..... you're worth far more than he's willing to give.
Don't cook for him, don't do his washing or ironing ..... do what YOU want to do.
You're only here once, don't let some scumbag bugger it up for you - life's not a rehearsal - there is only one go at it.
Take control .....
Hi Yvette,
Sounds like you have got a bully and not a partner at all. I'm sure that was not the deal you signed up to 12 years ago. It is time for the sake of your children, your sanity and your health to try and take some of the great advice the others on here have given you. A husband who cared for you would not even considering doing the things he doing. You'll end up thinking it's all your fault and losing any self esteem you have if you don't break the cycle. My hearts goes out to you and your kids.
Sara x
Hi Yvette,
You have had loads of great replies here, and there is really nothing I can add to them, except to say that the sooner you get rid of the husband the better, but get advice from women's aid or some other relationship advisor. If you have nowhere to go then Women's Aid will put you somewhere safe with your children, help you with applying for your own house and benefits. Go to the bank, and as it is a joint account tell the manager you need a new card urgently, but ask it be sent somewhere else, then you can withdraw half of what is in the account. Once you have taken action over your marriage then your general physical health will improve, and you do have to do something, not just for your own sake, but for that of your children too. I do sympathise with your situation, but there is plenty of help out there, you just have to make a plan and then go for it. You are the only one who can make things happen so gather all the strength you can muster and be pro-active about your predicament. It is sad when this type of thing happens, but when the stress of your bullying husband is removed, it will make your health issues far easier to deal with.. Good luck, and please, for the sake of your children and yourself act on the good advice given by others here. Unfortunately, this problem will not go away on its own, and you are the only one that can make things happen.
Wishing you all the best, and hope things work out well for you, and as for saying you would be better off dead? I am sure you don't mean that, ...... abandoning your children, leaving them without a mother and at the mercy of a bully? You don't want that, not for a minute.
Good luck, in this difficult situation,
hugs from Huggs xxxxx
Lots of people have given you great advise - I can add no more other than send you lots of love and strength. Your children need you - you have to look after them and find the strength for them. Take good care of yourself - you are a very special person who deserves love and respect. You deserve better and so do your children, you need to find better for them and you. With lots of love TAD xxx
Hi Yvette!
Quite an unnerving experience reading through this lot, some of you ladies have certainly made some bad choices in choosing your men.
I am still old fashioned enough to want to love and protect the fairer sex not treat them like slaves.
I could offer hit man services but in my fragile state the recoil from a pistol would probably send me into orbit.
Get rid of the guy Yvette and have a real life.
Allan.
that made me smile ... thank you lol
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