My good friend Julia Roberts (haha) calls me to say that she needs to talk to me URGENTLY like yesterday !?Wondering what on earth this could be about, i quickly make my way to her flat.No sooner had i arrived,before we had chance to talk there was a loud BANG at the door,Julia was like a cat on a tin roof,as she walks to the door she hurriedly says "Jane iam so sorry for what is about to happen,but ididnt have any choice so so sorry!" " What?" ireplied, before she could answer, the door was open oh my god you could have knocked me down with a feather who walks through the the door only Samuel L Jackson and get this Beyounce?? (haha) What the ..... is goingon? Well it turns out that Julia has been taking out loans and not paying them back!! Samuel and beyounce apparently run a specialised brothel !??For Julia to pay off her debt,they have said if she can find a friend the same age they will put us to work !!! I quickly start to exclaim "Oh No NO No absolutely no way hose!" Samuel Tells me that julia and myself are now contracted,the deal has been made we are now their property!no more choices,no way out ! I looked to Julia pleadingly & questioningly ?this cannot be right surely? "Nah NahNah this is wrong ,your telling me that you want two 50year old decrepid ladies working in your brothel?" I start to shout angrily now at Julia "Im nasty now Julia what the hell have you..."Im interupted by Samuel "you would be surprised this is a very specialised and popular field and you two are just what we are looking for !" Istarted to giggle nervously at first saying " yer yer very funny,can you imagine me having rumpy pumpy? l'd be in an ambulance within the hour on life support..... ive just twigged this is a windup this is Candid Camera or you've been framed haha come on where are the cameras??"I look towards Julia not even a hint of a smile instead she is gritting her teeth and telling me to belt up coz im just making things worse.
Suddenly there is another loud BANG at the door,my heart started to speed up 7 i pipe up "oh that defo sounds like a police knock!"hoping and praying.Beyounce starts to shove & push Julia and i into the bedroom,"oi oi dont push me who do you think you are get off me!"I pulled myself away Samuel leaps forward and slaps me hard across the face 'CRACK' grabbed me on both shoulders and pushed both of us stumbling into the bedroom."Now keep quiet i dont want to hear a peep outta you do you hear me?" We both nodded accordingly.
I wasnt laughing anymore."Julia talk to me coz ive a really bad feeling about this?" she replies " what you need is a cigar (haha) "WHAT....you know ive just given up No idont want it!! now thoroughly irritated with her. " oh i think you do!" she answered.
As if nothing has happened i announce "well i've gotta go i promised my Philip that i would make him a big chicken soup tonight!" I turn towards the bedroom door in doing so i catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror and what have i got in my mouth but a CIGAR the size of a saveloy ? this is too weird whats happening?i take the cigar outof my mouth and with disgust furiously stubb it out in the bin.As i turn back again the same again i have another CIGAR hanging out of my mouth ?how can this be?! really bizzare,once again i crunch it into the bin!!Standing back up the bedroom door flies open making me jump,what is even more strange,standing in the doorway are 2 x fifteen foot GIANTS (lol) both Julia and myself are agog our eyes bulging trying to take this image in,coz we dont get giants do we ?Stunned silence then the giants pipe up saying "come on you are going with us,but first you"pointing at me "take that cigar outta your mouth!"Bewildered,confused and now angry I scream back at them "I DONT SMOKE ANYMORE GRRR!!" Oh very bloody funny so whats this then"where upon he yanks yet another long cigar out of my mouth!?Iwas now just a jibbering wreck not understanding anything anymore where do the cigars keep coming from?One of the giants handed both of us a black bag rather like a pe bag,he ordered us to put these over our heads.Immediately I felt disorientated and terrified both my arms were pulled behind my back and hands tied! Whoo ahwhoo ah whoo ahwhoo PANIC! oh no Jane not now calm down,you have got to keep this together ,what do they say 'pursed lip breathing? ahwhoo ahh whooo ahhh whooooo ahhhhhh whoooooooo thats it Jane take control back be strong good girl whoooooo..I could smell Julia next to me her un mistakeable Youth Dew perfume "are you alright jane?"she asked "nooooo! am i gonna kill you when we get back do you understand me?" " thats just it Jane i dont think we are coming back EVER!!!" Beyounce tells us to be quiet and slaps our heads,shouting at the giants to hurry up and put us into the truck coz it was going to be a busy night for all of us??Blindly we are pushed forward where we loose our footing toppling and then roly polying over each other down the out side stairs ouch oouuwer ouch oucher ooow oow landing finally at the bottom.Immediately im grabbed up im now struggling to breathe "STOP PLEASE,I CANT BREATHE" someone kicks me i hear Beyounce's voice"Bitch !Move ! Now !" Julia pipes up "really she cant shes not well!"They continue to shove us forward saying if we dont hurry up we really wont be well!sniggering as she spoke.All i can hear Julia saying is,"Sorry Jane im so sorry,sorry,sorry Jane"
A waterful of tears torrents down my face now,my heart is leap froging beneathe my ribs,hyperventilating badly now, heat rushes to my head but my fingers icey cold,beginning to claw up,oh dear ithink im gonna konk out any minute,my stomach then joins in churning,spasms violently distorting as if a baby was turning inside me,the pain is unimaginable ,suddenly a thunderous message flies from my body...... oh nooo please noo not that!!Im gripped with fear and panic as to what my body will do next!? "Julia i think im gonna.....
Iwake up bursting for a wee.You gotta laugh mad bonkers dream.
scum
Garden centres, Anne and chickens! 
