Facing the truth

[Kad21]

Hubby made an off the cuff comment last night, we were talking about financial matters, and he said, 'don't worry about it, you're dying anyway' I was so taken aback that I left the room, went to the bathroom and cried uncontrollably. Please think before you speak

[Hidden]

Speechless reading this, Kad21. I find it incredibly sad that he made that remark to you and not sure how you can deal with it. In the very broad sense we are all going down that road but it will take a long time to get there.

What bothers me is the lack of support you are getting. I am sure people in this forum will rally around you, but I think you could see your doctor to get a feedback from him. Possibly sympathatic counselling could be a good back up.

I wish I could be with you to put my arms around you. Certainly, a lot of people will be thinking about you. Do you have a family and friends?

[Kad21]

Not really, I haven't told anyone apart from him and my sister, who lives 13000 miles away. I don't think he realised how hurtful what he said was, a case of engaging mouth before brain....

I just want everyone to treat me normally until it becomes so noticable, I have to tell them... maybe thats wrong but the only way I can cope at the moment, thank you so much for your kind words, I am crying again now but for a good reason

[pollyjj]

Hi Kads, have you spoken to him about it and told him how much he has hurt you, surely he did not mean to upset you so much, and I hope he apologised.

Keep posting on here I am sure you will get lots of support, I am not brilliant with words but I will be thinking of you today.

polly xx

[Hidden]

Oh Kad21 talk to him tell him how you feel. I am sure he is as upset as you and is trying to cope. It has probably been a big shock to him to find he is going to lose you. This illness creeps up on us so quietly we sometimes have a problem adjusting. We are all going to die one day (including your husband) but for most of us hopefully it will be a long way off. When I was first diagnosed I sometimes woke in the night to find my husband's hand in front of my mouth checking I was breathing (no you lot on here he was not trying to choke me lol x) We laugh about it now because we really didn't understand the illness, so have a chat with him and maybe also the BLF nurses I don't have the number but someone will come along with it. You will find a lot of love and fun and support on here look forward to hearing from you again soon. Love & xxxx

[Hidden]

Oh my

That's the sort of thing my Dad would say. He was loving in his own way but my sister and I did wonder if he was on the autistic spectrum. Her second child definitely is so that makes the suspicion even stronger.

Everyone is going to die, that is basic fact number one about mortality. And unless we actively do something to bring it about, none of us know when.

hugs

koala x

[Hidden]

Hello chad21 stunned to read your blog that was such a hurtful and uncalled for remark!

Without knowing how close you usually are I don't know what to advise.

TheBLF advice line is 03000 030 555 do give them a ring. Speaking with him about how that made you feel is a must I feel. I'll bet he's kicking himself he surely didn't mean to hurt you.

You'll find a way to approach this and when you do please come back to us and let us know how it went. There's a whole bunch of warm people here on your side.

Take care,

Chris

[phillips1]

I don't know what your usual relationship is with your husband so all I can do is offer a big shoulder for you to cry on. Our partners often act in strange ways over our illnesses. Sometimes it's the fear of losing someone and sometimes it's the frustration of not being able to change things. All you can do really is tell him how much he hurt you.

The ladies on here are much better at giving advice than I am and I am sure they will befriend you and offer all the support they can.

In the meantime, Lots of love, hugs and kisses from

Bobby xxxx

[Lynne1955]

I can't add much to what the others have said except he perhaps needs to learn more about the condition and how it is not a death sentence. It can be successfully managed in many ways.

Please do ring the BLF as others suggest and get hold of their information pack, then make him read it and discuss it with him.

Good luck.

Lynne xx

[peege]

I can understand how hurt you must have been Kad 21 and I echo Anieseed's reply.

Please do call the BLF nurses. They will support you.

All the best to you (I sincerely hope that he's a nice person really and that was just a thoughtless, throwaway comment from him) xxxx

[mattcass]

Hi Kad21, Why Oh Why did he not apologise when you came out the toilet I would have been on my hands and knees begging forgiveness' for hurting you like that, meant or not there is no excuse even if he is not coping with your illness to well. Good Luck mattcass

[laig]

I agree with Lynne it sounds like neither of you know much about the condition although I

don't know how bad you are. I don't think your husband meant to hurt you

[appyalison]

Hi Kad21, That was one hell of a comment that would have had any of us in tears. I really hope he realises how insensitive he was and that he will support you. If that doesn't happen, we are here to support you. People here know how we all feel, we are all in the same boat and feel sensitive about our frailities. Because we don't get about so much we are also much less likely to be run over by a bus! Keep going and try to enjoy the good things such as a beautiful flower, a great cup of tea, something daft the dog does. That's what I do but I sometimes get low. You are amongst friends so it is OK to feel low at times. We have some real jokers on here that certainly cheer me up. Keep in touch and let us know how you are feeling. Alison

[Hidden]

Kad21 - we are all dying, even the healthy lung folk, I expect he was generalising, and in a sense if he was to tip toe around you he would not be treating you normally as you prefer. I am sure he did not mean it personally, but chat with him or your doc or someone on the BLF helpline about any concerns you may have.

Having a lung condition doesn't necessarily mean you are going to die before a healthy lung person, I think you are probably feeling a bit low at the moment and therefore a bit more sensitive.

Pecker up there a lot more living to do yet.

[Shirleyj]

Hi kad21, I really feel for you, it must be so hurtful for your husband to say that, maybe he is feeling that you will be leaving him and he is lashing out, speak to him, he is probably mortified to know how upset that comment has made you. Take care of yourself, take your meds, gentle exercise and you will start coping with this illness, I am sure you will have a lot of healthy days ahead of you. Take care x x

[Hidden]

My thoughts are with you, although I cannot add anymore than has already been said.

So another big hug coming your way. ((((Kad21))))

Tina x

[Hidden]

Yes,everything has been said,& I do hope you are feeling better about things by now.I do hope for your sake,that you let him know how you felt,don't hide it.It could have been a defensive remark,if you were arguing over finances etc.however,still not called for.You do need to speak of it.

Love Wendells xx

[SecondLife]

Oh gosh I know exactly how you feel and like everyone else send you hugs, I also have a husband who doesn't see what the problem is with what he says, in his defence he would say something similar to your hubby because to him it is a shrug off comment, say it, move on, ignore the problem. Partners/carers suffer as much as the person with the illness, I know I have spent hours crying where no one else can see me and some partners cannot cope with the knowledge of what may happen albeit in the (hopefully) distant future. Talk to BLF and if possible get your hubby to talk to BLF they did wonders for me. Chin up

[KingoftheCocktails]

I quite often put my foot in it,because I don't think before I speak.I was told I had 6-12 months to live and that was17years ago! I pray to God every day that I am still here.

Richard

[Kad21]

Thank you all so much for the kind comments, we have a really good relationship but we do not talk about this as he does not handle stress at all. He has stopped smoking as well to help support me so I am feeling guilty about this, albeit I am also very glad. I read all your blogs every day and they help me believe that I will be able to live a long life despite my doctor telling me I only have about 3 years! I have always been stubborn, I am a Taurus after all, so I am determined to prove him wrong. Have a lovely day everyone, and thank you so much for taking the time to repond. I will post positively in future, no need to depress everyone.xx

[moneal]

Sounds like a comment from a person who is scared and very worried and who's brain was not fully engaged before putting his mouth into motion. I am sure our carers suffer as much as we do and it not surprising they boil over sometimes.

As an expert at doing this especially, when taking steroids, I can only hope that he realises in the next day or so what he has said. When I snap at my wife I think after I have said it "Why the hell did I say that to the one person who keeps me going"

[sassy59]

Sorry to read what your hubby said to you but people close to you do not always handle things as well as they should. I hope you have sorted things out now between you. You sound like a positive person so you just go ahead and prove doctors wrong. It is good that you came on here for support, which you got, and never feel bad about mentioning things as everyone has times like that. Stay strong and sending lots of love and good wishes. xxxxx

[lornadoon]

HI Kad sorry for what your husband said to you,i had a similar experience with the only sister that i get on with.

A few weeks ago we had a party for her grand daughter and she told me when i got there that the rest of the family had attended and she did not want any trouble. I told her what trouble and she said well i have made up with them as i do not want to be on my own when you die this was such a shock to me.

I stayed for the party but felt that everone was talking about me i was so uncomfortable.

When i got home i rang her and said why did she say the things she had said and she told me that they had got back together via facebook ,which i do not go on.

I asked her why was she not honest with me as i fully intended to try and get back with the family.

Her response was even worse on the phone, i do not know what is going on in her head.

I am on my own every day and most days it gets to me.

I hope that your husband said this without thinking.

Take care Lorna

[Chinka]

Hi Kad

I dont think they realise how funerable we feel. My hubby is the kindest man in the world but even he can sometimes be very cruel, he only realises it when he sees the hurt on my face, unfortunately he never says sorry, he just falls over himself being kind. Basically I think it can be as hard for them as it is for us, they probably feel its like walking on egg shells. But having said all that, if I feel a comment was really unkind, I tell him in no uncertain terms how cruel his comment was to someone who is funerable and he is supposed to love. It usually does the trick but he still never apologies, but I know he loves me so try hard to imagine how difficult it is for him and I always put it behind me. So my advice is, tell him how you feel, don't just let it go. Remember we are all different and despite our condition (mine is now very severe) we could go on for years.

love Chinks

[Hidden]

if he is not usually cruel, then this behaviour is odd and calls for finding why on earth he would say that - flippant throwaway comments like that come from deepseated stuff I think - fear, anger, uncertainty ... all the human responses in the situation of grief for whatever is lost - even if dying is far away .... maybe counselling could help you both.