Dont Know how to help?

[Hayleynevin]

I suffered with PP 10 years ago after the birth of my daughter. It resulted in me also being diagnosed with OCD. My daughter has lived through all of my relapses and struggles and I know now that it has affected her. She is now under a child psychiatrist with severe anxiety and OCD. I do believe I caused this. life like this is all she knows and it’s my fault. She is struggling to open up to get professional help and I can’t help but blame myself. I feel I need to talk to someone regarding how I feel in order to help her? If that makes sense? Any advise would be appreciated

[Nanabluebell Volunteer]

Dear Hayleynevin, I am sorry that I do not have the exact same experience but what I do know is that along with being a mother seems to come some natural guilt that however our children are it could be, must be, is our fault. The sensible self would say of course it isn’t your fault, there was nothing you did deliberately, we cannot avoid genes and of course some of you is in there but there again it is not your fault. She will have your beautiful bits as well as perhaps what you think of as your not so beautiful bits. You have strength and resilience, you must have to have been through the illness of Postpartum Psychosis and the effects it has had on you. Yet here you are still caring and obviously being a good Mother, reaching out to find help for your daughter. It all sounds very difficult for you but please try to stop blaming yourself. I would suggest speaking first to your GP.

I did not suffer PP myself, my daughter did eight years ago. I am sorry not to be of more help but you will have more helpful replies from all the brave Mums with lived experience. I hope you have supportive family and friends too.

Wishing both you and your daughter well, and a happy, healthy, peaceful New Year.

Judith xx

[WonderWomanUK]

Hi Hayleynevin I think it’s definitely worth speaking to yourGP or even your daughters psychiatrist on how you can help support her the best way you can.

I’m sure she will start to feel comfortable and open up to her psychiatrist soon, it’s great she has that.

Please do not think you did caused her OCD and anxiety. You’re an amazing Mum, strong, resilient! Mum guilt is real.

sending you lots of best wishes x

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Hello Hayleynevin,

I’m so sorry to hear you faced and recovered from PP. You are a wonderful Mummy I am sure of it, try not to blame yourself for the challenges your daughter is currently facing. It really is good that she is seeking help and support, what a supportive and nurturing Mummy you are to have helped her access that and also to be writing here, reflecting and wondering what you can do to help her.

I’ve absolutely no doubt, that whilst you’d never have chosen to experience PP (not in a million years!) I am sure that in the fight to get better your own resilience has grown, perhaps more than you even realise. I often think, think back and reflect to the kindnesses I felt when I was poorly and try to pay those forward if you see what I mean, I guess what I’m saying (probably failing to get across very well!) is that really your daughter most likely just needs her Mummy. Maybe to keep gently reminding her of who she is, make her favourite meals, sit with her(?) under a blanket, have a movie day, put the world to rights, share a hot chocolate. What are those glimmers that you share that might bring her comfort. We’re not health professionals as Mummy’s, not experts, not trained for this almighty big responsibility of being a parent, but you have in abundance is love. Keep leading with that, chat with the health professionals too where you can and seek their guidance if they have any.

Do take care, thinking of you and wishing your daughter well herself too.

Rachel x

Ps: this website might be useful for a browse.

youngminds.org.uk/young-per...

[Pikorua Volunteer]

You know Hayleynevin,

Guilt is a strange one. When loved ones are struggling and you have been living with a MH issue after PPP within a family unit, it is so much easier to blame yourself or receive the blame from others, when they have their own problems with their MH. This could trigger your own well being creating doubts, affecting your self esteem, crippling your confidence and much more. Life then, becomes so much more difficult in trying to keep your own well being in balance.

When you love somebody and you care so much for them of course it hurts, when they start suffering with their MH. I have been there on numerous occasions with my partner. I believe it is important to reach out for some professional help. It is a start when the individual realises, gosh-I need some support. Sometimes it takes ages to realise and it may causes a lot of negative attachments (jealousy, guilt, anger, grief etc.)

Above I am talking about my partner, an adult. In the case of my son I see things from a different perspective. Even though I have been poorly my son developed some amazing skills such as sensitivity, being caring and kind. Of course my anxiety issues affected him, but also made him very knowledgeable on many aspects of Psychosis and Bipolar.

Of course I reflect on my case and situation, but when you read through all the mums' stories guilt and blame is a huge issue in our APP community.

A life of a human being is unique and complex with loads of factors influencing mind, body and soul. You maybe able to tackle the guilt issue directly via therapy.

You can help and support your daughter. We are so much stronger than we think we are. Because of PPP and other MH conditions we may have been either labelled or conditioned by society, but subsequently we have had to become survivors and warriors and managed to open up new avenues throughout our recovery. I am doing a lot of self-help stuff, but also do not shy away to get support and advice from therapists. It is great, when you can get advise and work and play together with your daughter in order to heal and recover.

I hope it all makes sense.

[MotherOfBears]

I’m so sorry you had PP and that you have had relapsed and struggles, as you describe them.

My 7yo is just being referred into mental health services with anxiety. I often think it is my fault, that the PP and my subsequent depression has left him feeling unsafe in the world.

You’ve had some wonderful replies already, talking about the guilt we can feel as mothers and how it can (falsely) makes as believe we were at fault.

Because actually our little ones might well have developed anxiety and OCD anyway, regardless of our health. Genetics and all that.

Practically, I would expect that you would have opportunities/consultations with the psychiatrist separately, precisely to help you understand how to support your daughter. I don’t think it would make sense for a child to be having therapy and learning coping mechanisms without the parent knowing how to support that at home.

Are you able to access some support too? To work alongside in how to help your daughter, but also to expunge and examine the guilt you are feeling, as it doesn’t sound like a very helpful set of thoughts to have

When I am feeling low about worrying about the impact this has all had on my seven year old… not about the anxiety he is experiencing, but more about my fear that he had to grow up so quickly (he was five when I had pp with his younger brother). We would write me notes saying “stay positive “ and similar. But his Dad would say that, yes, that experience will change him, it will shape the person he grows up to be. But it won’t all necessarily be for the worst

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Hayleynevin,

I'm so glad you have reached out to us here. I'm so sorry that your daughter is struggling so much with severe anxiety and OCD. This must be so hard for you to support, and such a huge worry and stress.

It is so natural to feel guilty I think, as a mum, and to wonder if we have 'caused' our child's problems. But, like all of us, you did not choose to be ill Hayleynevin, it was something out of your control. Sadly we can't shield our children from all the difficulties of life, we wouldn't think to blame ourselves if we were physically unwell like with cancer, which would be hard for our children to cope with too.

I have experience of both sides, experiencing pp (and also a relapse) myself, but also my mum actually had episodes of psychosis in my childhood. Of course this did affect me as a child, and I have some difficult memories of my mum being unwell etc, but when I was unwell with psychosis my mum understood so well of course what I was going through, and both my parents were so calm and supportive throughout it all, because of everything they had already dealt with with my mum's illness. So positive things can come from having been through difficult times. You will be uniquely placed to support and understand your daughter, because you have been through it yourself. Other parents may struggle to really understand.

Also, as others have said, you can never know what has caused your daughter's anxiety and OCD. We know there is such a massive increase in children struggling with their mental health. There is such massive stress on our children, including the school environment, with peers, etc, so many things could be impacting her.

I do hope that your daughter will get some good professional support, and you can get some support for yourself as well. My son is autistic and I have connected with other parents who also have neuro-diverse children and this has really helped. As we know, peer support can be so helpful. I know someone has already signposted you to YoungMinds.

Take care Hayleynevin, know that you can write here anytime,

Ellie X