Has anyone divorced or separated since having PPP.

[JosephineFay]

As most of you know I'm really struggling with my meds and coming off them and I find myself at times not being able to carry on. I am really not happy with my husband at the moment and wonder if anyone else has felt that their husband contributed to their psychosis? I've had 7 relapses and my husband locked me out of the house at each time. My inlaws and extended family didn't help me either and at one point I was sleeping on night buses and in parks. My husband has troubles showing emotions and when I've been in hospital my son has been very isolated with him. My son is now 20 and has no friends at all or a girlfriend despite trying really hard to build social connections .

[RachelFlynn23]

Hi JosephineFay , I'm really sorry to hear this. It sounds trauma provoking being locked out and sleeping rough without having PP in the mix too!

I had PP in 2017 and unfortunately yes it caused separation 2 years later and subsequently divorce.

Were there any questions you had in this regard or are you looking for comfort in others who have experienced the same/similar?

I'm really sorry that you felt so unsupported by your loved ones at this really tough time. I'm almost certain though that with this level of adversity, the positive you can take from it is that you have supported yourself through this, you have undoubtedly learnt so much about yourself and proved to yourself that you don't NEED anyone, you can and have supported your own needs/wellbeing.

If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know. Remember speaking about it is so important to get it off your chest and not let it fester, I am so proud of your post for getting this out there.

As for your son, please remember none of this is your fault, it's an unfortunate event that happens to some of us and we get by the best we can at the time.

Lots of love & Best wishes,

Rachel xx

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

Rachel,if you don't mind my asking. In what way did the ppp end your marriage? Did your ex partner blame you, was he unkind to you, was he not supportive, did you feel stigmatised by him. Did he make you feel that you weren't a normal person. I've had all of this with my husband. Please don't feel you have to reply on the forum if you feel that I'm asking too much.

Jo

[RachelFlynn23 in reply to JosephineFay]

Hi JosephineFay ,

Of course, I'm more than happy to answer any questions you have, I'm an open book and passionate about using my experience to help others.

I feel that the way it ended my marriage was that it changed my values pretty much overnight, I felt a totally different person and we eventually wanted different things from life. I started valuing my health and my families health over anything else, whereas he was still focussed on career building, wanting to buy a bigger house etc when I really couldn't cope with maintaining the one we had due to the illness and my recovery.

He never blamed me or was unkind. He supported me a lot with the baby, that said I felt very misunderstood and couldn't really live up to his expectations (I don't think he processed well what had happened to me and wanted me to be the person I used to be, bubbly, full of life, full of energy etc). I am that person again now, although it has taken a few years which is such a shame but it is what it is, it's in the past now and I've given it enough of my mental energy that I'm now fully over it. The stigma is very rough to process or was for me at the time and I think he just wanted me to be 'normal' again, I wanted that too but couldn't get this message across to him at the time because I was so consumed in the experience, trauma and recovery. This put a massive void in our marriage ultimately and we were no longer singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak.

Hope this helps and happy to answer any further questions you have on this.

Take care,

Rach

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

Thanks so much Rachel, how did you manage the practicalities of leaving. How did you find somewhere to live, how did you afford it, were you able to work? Are you based in the UK? How old is your child now?

[RachelFlynn23 in reply to JosephineFay]

No problem at all JosephineFay !

He decided to leave and initially left me with the house that we shared in June 2019. I tried to manage it alone at the time, although he always paid half the mortgage payments as usual but decided he wanted half of the house/be released from the funds a few months after. There was no way I would be accepted on, then, a part-time wage to take on the whole of the mortgage by myself so my hand was forced to sell the property which we split 50% of the profit on and mortgage was then cleared.

Since then, I have moved 9 times, struggling to settle or experiencing financial struggles etc.

I went back to work only on a part-time basis when my son was 6 months old so always had funds coming in plus applied for universal credit when my ex-husband left. Also had the usual child benefit payments which helped a lot. Although all of these were income, it was still tight but since my PP experience, I have become more minimalist, realising I was probably a hoarder in my life before PP. I have spent years shedding what I own and now have very little and can honestly say I am the happiest I've ever been in my life. Learning that I didn't need materialistic goods has been so powerful to my wellbeing.

Yes, I am based in the UK, in South Wales and my son is now 7.

x

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

We have moved about 12 times since my son was born never being able to settle anywhere for very long. This has meant that my son has been to 7 senior schools and lost many friends and his education along the way. My husband and I have been struggling with our housing and being able to afford it for 21 years. When I've been ill I've left my full time jobs and this has meant that my husband then hasn't been able to afford the rent or mortgage on his own.

[RachelFlynn23 in reply to JosephineFay]

Oh wow, I wonder if this is a known side-effect almost of having PP? That's really interesting as I have felt quite alone in the amount of times I've moved, with others not really understanding at all. It's become a little joke in my small circle of friends/family now that I'm some kind of gypsy the amount I've moved.

That sounds really very difficult, financial strain holds so much pressure doesn't it on so many aspects of our health. I'm so very sorry to here this.

Do you have stability now? x

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

Your story resonates with me especially the moving so many times. Are you now in social housing or private rental accommodation? Do you have some stability now?

[RachelFlynn23 in reply to JosephineFay]

Same here, I haven't known anyone to move so much in such a small amount of time with very little physical help with them along the way, most times I downsized though, each time feeling easier to manage than the previous.

I do have stability now finally yes, I'm extremely lucky. I have found a partner who is very much understanding on the whole and in times where he doesn't we have open and frank conversations around things. I moved into his house in May this year. He still struggles to understand why I have so much stuff (not even close to half of what I used to own), and I find it difficult when he doesn't understand that raising a baby after PP, going through divorce, the giving up of my house and the sheer amount of times I moved etc, has hindered me having the physical and/or emotional capacity to deal with my belongings. Finally I think he's getting it, although doesn't really need to. It's my mess that I'm focussing on sorting. I now have half a spare bedroom of belongings which I just take a bag one at a time and sort through when I have the capacity to do so. Being with him and the stability and security it has provided me after so long has enabled me this time to process everything and sort through my belongings at a time and pace which suits me. Rome wasn't built in a day as they say! Still plodding on x

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

I'm so glad to hear that you have met someone new and have a new place to live with your baby. Your new partner sounds lovely and I wouldn't worry about your stuff. I got rid of my wedding dress and engagement ring and son's baby videos when I had psychosis and I can't get those memories or things back. I believe that some of our possessions are with us as they are our history.

[JosephineFay in reply to RachelFlynn23]

Rachel, I forgot to ask. Since you were working part time, how did you find landlords who were willing to take you on universal credit? Also how did you find the deposit did the council help you?

Thanks for your reading,

Josephine

[LizzieLizzieLou in reply to RachelFlynn23]

I could have written the response you had on why your marriage ended RachelFlynn23! My relationship broke up around 3.5 years after I had my daughter. It’s not easy walking away from 14 years together! Similar to you, my husband wanted me to ‘go back to normal’ but I was fundamentally changed as a person after that experience and what I valued and how I wanted to spend my time was no longer the same. I did tons of therapy and he did none which I think exacerbated how we both changed after my PP. I so appreciate people sharing their experiences. Your response has made me feel a little less alone in my situation. Thank you!

[JosephineFay in reply to LizzieLizzieLou]

I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage broke up. My marriage is limping on. Husband now has a heart condition we are both on low wage and struggling to make it financially and emotionally. We've had very little support from either my family or his.

[greta90 in reply to LizzieLizzieLou]

I was reading the comments and just was so amazed that so many people feel like PP changed them fundamentally . I also feel like all my priorities in life changed since having my little girl I no longer seek material things don’t want bigger house in fact currently in a middle or selling our house which we spent fortune on just to live simpler live and have more time for each other . I remember I was worried so much that I don’t recognise the old me and I wanted her back so bad but now 2 years after PP I feel happier then ever with much less worry about staff .

[JosephineFay in reply to greta90]

Great so happy that you and your husband and child are all together

[Survivedwithcolor]

Thankfully I am still married and my husband has stayed with me, but there have been a couple times over the years where I thought that might not be the case. We went to couples therapy a few times. It is hard being married no matter who you are but mental illness does really take a toll on people. Have you considered doing some marriage and family therapy with your husband and son? It could help.

We had to move several times because of my illness, to get better care. When I initially had PP we lived in a rural area (I’m in the US for people who don’t know) and I didn’t have good access to care. Very limited and poor access, in fact. They didn’t even know what was wrong with me. First we moved to a different house because I had to stop working, then we moved across the country to be closer to family, and then we moved again when my husband changed jobs. I had to change my medical care every single time and that was really rough. But the town I live in now has better resources.

Thinking of you.

[JosephineFay in reply to Survivedwithcolor]

I think that family therapy could be a very good thing for us long term. Should have done it years ago but my husband has a habit of disengaging with the process. Thank you as always for your kind time.

Jo

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear Ladies All,

I think you are amazing. Still standing still keeping going, still caring for and reaching out to others with kind, helpful words, all despite your own troubles and difficulties after the shock and trauma of PP. I didn’t have Postpartum Psychosis, my daughter did seven years ago, she is thankfully doing well. All you brave PP Mums have a strength you didn’t know you had. If you can remember that just because you may be struggling it doesn’t mean you are failing and that This too shall Pass.

Keep talking and sharing. Thinking of you all.

Warm best wishes Judith xxx

[JosephineFay in reply to NanaJudith_APP_Vol]

Dear Judith so glad to hear your daughter is well and I'm sure that having you there has been instrumental in her recovery. Both my parents had passed away and my extended family on my husband side or my side didn't reach out to support us or my son.

[Survivedwithcolor in reply to NanaJudith_APP_Vol]

Thank you for those kind words. I try to remind myself that because I had PP, I’m now in a unique position to help other women who have experienced it. I’m still considering whether I should finish the training with PSI to become a national support person. I know I have no obligation to do it, but somehow I feel like I’ve been given this gift of healing and it’s only right to give back. So many people helped me along the way. It would be a gift to someone else to help them.

I can also say that as a cancer survivor AND a survivor of PP, PP was far more difficult to survive.

[NanaJudith_APP_Vol Volunteer]

Dear JosephineFay,

so very sorry that you don’t have parents to help or any family support. I hope that you do have good friends and can have confidence in your Doctors. Hoping that you can feel the love, kind support and true understanding of those with lived experience and from everyone here. I imagine you all, arms around each other holding each other up especially in the more difficult times. Think how strong you are, still keeping on and without family support. Sorry, if it has already been mentioned I may have come late to thread but hope you been able to join one of the APP Coffee Meet Up Groups.

Best wishes to you

Judith x

[JosephineFay in reply to NanaJudith_APP_Vol]

Thanks so much Judith. I have 2 friends but very rarely see them since I moved out of London. I have found this to be the most isolating experience.

Jo