It seems like a lot of us who experienced ppp are still grappling with the reality that it may be bipolar. Some of us know that it’s definitively not, but some, like me, aren’t sure. I explore this realm often - I try to see if a bipolar diagnosis can help me make sense of my past. But I usually just end up with more questions, and wanted to share some of my experience to see if others might relate.
Before ppp, I was certainly “moody.” But my ups and downs were so deeply linked to 1. my period and 2. my relationships with men, starting with my dad but more notoriously later on with my husband. As a teenager I was very tall and athletic, which, as a woman, made me feel like an “beast.” Eventually I wanted to attract male attention so I developed an eating disorder (my entire family - 3 siblings and 2 parents - struggles with food). All I could think about was making myself smaller so that men would like me more. I did not get much attention, and did not have a serious boyfriend until I met my now husband at 19. He was the first to seemingly love me, and my parents taught me that this was the most important thing in life I could strive for - to be loved by another person (as opposed to truly loving yourself). I was not about to let that go.
I look back at old journals when we were dating and read in horror about our vicious cyclical relationship. We broke up and got back together for over a decade. When we were broken up, I’d quickly seek attention from other men and then write about how much of a failure I was when I couldn’t find it. I’d crawl back to him because my childhood doctrine stated I couldn’t/shouldn’t be alone. I was so open - too open - with my with family and even my therapist about our problems, but no one ever raised a red flag. My parents said that hardship in relationships was normal, and worth it. In my journal I’d write about yet another break up, counting the days I could go without talking to him, and always somewhere in there were my parents, dad especially, encouraging me to get back together with him. They, too, met when they were teens, like my unhappy older brother and his anxious wife did, and they told me it was all part of being in love. I believed them, always (nevermind the bad example of a relationship they set for us. It was so hard to pick up on; except for some explosive fights, theirs has always been a subtle unhappiness). My little brother is also in a miserable marriage of ups and downs. My sister is 37 and single, and perhaps better off than any of us.
After an exhausting rollercoaster of painful fighting and passionate loving, I got married to my first ever boyfriend in 2020. I cried silently in our bed on our wedding night, while he was passed out.
At 35 I now know that I either have an anxious attachment style, or I’m anxious-avoidant (mostly because of my insecure, inconsistent dad who I loved more than anyone, but also because of my beautiful mother who was deeply religious and made life seem like a dream that I could never achieve). My husband has an avoidant attachment style because of his own trauma - two types of people that unfortunately often find each other, but shouldn’t. When we started dating it was as if we imprinted. I wish I could go back to young me and say “for the next 15 years, until you develop your sense of self - because it turns out you are not your parents - don’t even bother trying to get out.”
16 years after we first started dating, I’m now the mother of his child and completely dependent on him. I do work, have a graduate degree, but it’s in education (because my mother and her mother ere educators) which means I make no money. I resent everything about our life, except for our son. I now see how I let my parents completely shape me, how I never pushed back, and thus I’ve walked right into this life - their life. Could this ever work? Maybe. Plenty of people do it. But I want so much more than what he has to offer. We are not right for each other, and never will be.
Part of my ppp was this extreme, horrific guilt that I’ve been ungrateful for all that he’s done for me, and that was part of the reason I thought I should die. I prayed and prayed for God’s forgiveness for not seeing my husband as the wonderful person he clearly is (sounds like my mother). Now I look back and I say f*** that. I would feel grateful if I was in a stable, loving, unconditionally supportive relationship, but I’m not. And it’s not all his fault, but it is certainly not, as he and my family and the medical world wants me to believe, all me and my brain’s fault either.
And yet I’m the one who’s gone inpatient 3 times.
So my big question: What comes first? Staying in a toxic relationship that ultimately rips you from the happiness you once believed in, or a diagnosed mental illness? How many women are deemed mentally ill, when really they were once beautiful, vulnerable children needing care and guidance, but ended up being led into someone else’s mess (their parents’) - a mess that they can’t seem to get out of? I’m not saying I’m just a victim, or that any of us are. I do believe I’m strong and that it’s possible I’ll figure this out. But I am saying I’d like a little time to do so, before I’m slapped with a label.
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KatMax
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Thanks so much for sharing. I hope that it maybe helped just to write it out, and let it all out? I have found writing on this forum very therapeutic in the past.
A lot of what you write about is about childhood trauma, which I think a lot of people have to a lesser or greater degree. As you've detailed in this post, this has a massive affect on us. I don't know if you've heard of Gabor Mate? he writes a lot about trauma. He has said that it isn't about what's wrong with you, but about what's happened to you. There is also another author, Bessel Van de Kolk who wrote 'the body keeps the score', which I haven't read, but I've heard good things about.
I think it's also that tension between just a medical model of mental health, or a more social model, where you look at what is happening in people's lives and how this is impacting them. For myself, I feel it's helpful to think about both, and have both in mind.
In terms of what causes our mental health, and postpartum episode, I think it can be a mixture of all these things, different for each person. For myself I think lack of sleep, some birth trauma, and a reaction to the hormones, and a family link with psychosis, probably contributed to my episode.
I really hope you can find some support for yourself, perhaps to make some decisions to change things for yourself. I don't know if you have access to any therapy?
Ppp is an hormonal problem after giving birth progesterone levels drop dramatically due to the progesterone loaded placenta being expulsed leaving the mother with extremely low progesterone levels - progesterone is a moderating hormone so low levels can lead to heightened estrogen and an excititory mental state
When in a ppp state of mind you see things differently but it doesn't mean they are true ?
It is so natural for us to want to know what caused our postpartum psychosis, from the research they think lots of different things are involved, including hormones and disrupted sleep likely to play a part, but we're not sure exactly how.
What is known at the moment, from research, about the causes of postpartum psychosis is on our website here. More research does need to be done:
Hello, gosh it sounds like you’re really going through it and questioning a lot. Well done for letting it all out.
I had pp nearly 4 years ago. I got diagnosed bipolar 1 a couple months ago, but I knew I had it. I also have PMDD, who like you, experience illness around my period. It’s more common than we might think! I’m very hormone sensitive, I had severe illness (pp) when I had my second, another episode when I stopped breastfeeding and monthly milder episodes around my period. Gosh it’s hard being a woman!
Here in the uk I went to my gp about 2 years ago when I had the other milder episode when I stopped breastfeeding and they put me under psychiatrists, I had a lot of assessments over the year and offered the pill and other meds etc. I’m already on olanzapine and sertraline. I didn’t take more. I did a lot of research and kept going back to the psychiatrist and then they put me under a psychiatrist team and I got the diagnosis. Not sure how it works where you are, but that’s how I got more answers.
Like you I also had a severe eating disorder- orthorexia when I had pp. my psychiatrist has told me they think I might be autistic as well and possibly a dissociative disorder. Perhaps the start of your journey is going to your doctor or finding a psychiatrist and get the ball rolling with discovering more about your mind? If that’s what you want. I feel better having the diagnosis. I’ve had mental health issues since I was a young child, so knew there had to be something. I still think there’s more to discover about my self xx
There's a lot to unpack there, and I do hope you have a therapist you like a trust to work with in person. There are many issues there that will take time to sort out. It's a little like untangling a bunch of fine chained necklaces - have you ever had that happen? You pull a little here, a little there, and tease it out little by little until they separate or you give up and just put the whole knot back in the drawer for a while. I still see a therapist myself, after all these years. She gives me someone to talk to, someone to reflect my own thoughts back at me so I can try to assess what the real problems are and what are some of the ways I can go about solving them. And if nothing else, a real person to talk to, to whom I can say anything about anyone. That's super important in marital issues.
As for the bipolar "label" - I've come to believe that the label is only useful and relevant as far as helping someone guide your treatment, medical and psychological, to what is most likely to work. Maybe it helps you understand where you've been and why, but like so many other people on this forum, it's a lot more complicated than that. Whatever it is, it's the sorting things out that's the important part.
Many women with bipolar tendencies don't get diagnosed with that until they've suffered with PP. That was true for me. I already knew that I had suffered from cycles of severe depression since I was a child. A "diagnosis" of bipolar may have explained that, but in the end what really mattered was the PP and the recovery from that. I wasn't adequately treated either way.
If you don't have a therapist to work with, I think finding one would be an excellent first step. And if you don't like them, find another one. A good therapist is worth it.
Thanks for your response, and yes, I have a therapist. She seems to be a pretty good one. And yes, the fine chained necklace metaphor sounds about right - I have certainly left the whole knot in the drawer for long periods of time.
I guess I was hoping that this forum might be a place for everyone to share not just the aftermath of ppp, but stories about our lives before it. Even just that one comment from Isabella - the fact that she had an eating disorder, too (thank you for sharing Isabella, and I'm so sorry) - is eye opening and helpful to me. I wonder how many others can relate .
I can see how this type of sharing may be triggering, and even dangerous. Ultimately we are taught that our mental health ought to be in the hands of professionals - especially because you never know what someone else might be going through. And it can very quickly become the blind leading the blind. But in some ways - doesn't that model (the blind leading the blind), make sense?
I'm just not sure that our current model works. I think we deserve more ownership, and should share more with each other. I think it would ignite a lot more healing more quickly in this world. Because right now mental health is on the decline everywhere we look, not matter where you live, or what access to healthcare professionals you have.
Reading Catherine Cho's Inferno and about her quiet, tense childhood home, her distant, strained relationship with her father, and her abusive relationship with her first boyfriend, helped me. It aligned with a lot of my own life experiences, and shed light not just on what contributed to my ppp, but on what I should be critically mindful of as a parent. I know that none of us want our own children to go through what we did. So far, I haven't been able to get this kind of information from a medical professional who's never experienced ppp (would love to find an MD, PhD, or LSW who has). I know, as everyone here seems to know, and as our medical professionals know, that there is a genetic component with ppp, usually an underlying predisposition. But I (we) also know that a lot of people have this genetic predisposition and it doesn't triggered. Ours did. I want to know why, and I want specifics.
Kat, I hadn’t meant to imply that it was inappropriate to share here at all. This is a place for sharing that’s for sure. I only said that because I’m not sure that an Internet forum would be enough for what you have going on? But only you can make that assessment. I appreciate hearing your story and can certainly identify with the cyclical nature of your history. I saw that in myself too, never knowing what it was or thinking it might be bipolar.
Please come and share any time. I too find it helpful and eye opening to hear other people’s stories. I’ve found it validating in so many ways to hear that I was not alone and I was not wrong about what was happening, even though the “professionals” said otherwise.
😊xx hugs to you. Your struggle is real and we are here to listen.
Hi KatMax, I have been reading this thread and admire the bravery of the many mums here, yours included, that share their own story with such compassion for one another. I believe that's the strength of peer support. The ability to stop and listen to the collection of experiences that make a facet of a person. Not just the list of symptoms.
I had pp in 2018 and for a long time asked myself why did it happen to me, was it something I did, didn't do, was done by? I was lucky to cross paths with a lovely psychiatrist who said the words to me, what happened to you was not yours, nor anyone's fault. I used them as a mantra for a long time, and it brought me calmness. 3.5 years later I received a diagnosis of bipolar type 1. It answered quite a few questions that I had, and as Survivedwithcolor says it became useful as a shorthand to talk to professionals. My bipolar does not define me, same as no single facet of anyone's personality can. Life is rich and complex.
I am sending you a virtual hug across the miles, look at the wonderful person that you are, look at your bravery and resilience, the world is richer because you are in it, and same goes for all the amazing mums and families here.
PS: as you mention reading, I second Ellie's recommendation of "The body keeps the score", eye opening book for me
Thank you Survive with Color and Maria, I really appreciate your compassion, and your willingness to share as well. It does help to know that your experience with a diagnosis was only helpful, not harmful. I don't actually have a diagnosis yet, but have also been fiercely resistant to anything other than "PMDD" and trauma in my therapy and psychiatry sessions. I do know that the meds I was on that typically help someone with bipolar truly made me feel like shit. It confused my psychiatrist. But he too has seen that being off them has helped me breathe again. I still sense and ultimately know there's something wrong with the way I approach life - but I don't think my team and I have landed on it yet.
The Body Keeps the Score has been on my list - I started reading it about 6 months ago but stopped for some reason. Maybe it was too close to home. Might be time to bring it back to the top! Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing that, it certainly resonated with me. You have already had some kind and useful responses, but I just wanted to add that since my PP episode, I have been diagnosed with cPTSD (from a traumatic childhood) and Borderline Personality Disorder (along with existing diagnoses of depression and anxiety). I would say for me, I had all of these disorders prior to my PP episode, even if I hadn't yet been diagnosed with some of them.
I wish you all the best and please do continue to use this forum, as we are here to listen and support each other.
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