I’m looking for some support/advice with trying to look forward after all that had happened when I was poorly with PPP.
I struggle some days to come to terms with what happened and I constantly finding myself thinking about those long few months in hospital with my baby. We have the best bond now but I can’t stop telling myself I’m not doing good enough for him and I feel awful for missing the earlier parts of his life 😢
Hello,
I saw your post and wanted to reach out. It’s good of you to speak openly and what you have asked is very valid.
I too felt awful for missing the early parts of my son’s life. I had PP back in March 2020 right before lockdown. I was admitted to an MBU for 3 months and felt so guilty as I was not living the life I had expected when a newborn arrives. I really thought I was a bad mum and kept telling the staff to take him away so he could live a better life without me. I was also sad as I did not take as many photos or videos as I wanted as my mind was just not in the right place but looking back now I can see that the most important thing was to bond with my baby and look after myself.
I can only say in my experience that over time you forget the lows and as your baby grows it is very rewarding and you feel amazing. When they start to walk and talk, the interaction in my experience, makes everything worthwhile and why it is I became a mother. I know I also couldn’t do it without my husband and family by my side.
My son is coming up to 4 now and he gives me hope and happiness everyday. And the PP is much of a distant memory. I do have some thoughts once in a while of thinking, did that really happen to me. But I’ve grown and adapted and it’s just made me who I am today.
Hope some of this helps. How long ago did you have PP?
Take care x
Coming up 3 years ago, April 2021.
I just struggle to come terms with going through it all at the age I did I was only 19 myself and I’d never heard of the psychosis before, I kept getting told “you have the baby blues” but thankfully someone realised it was more serious than this. I was in a seperate psychiatric ward without my son for 3 months before I was put back onto the mbu. I try my best to “forget it and move on” but some days are just so hard I guess that’ll be the same for most 😊
Thanks for your advice x
hello, I can really relate to your post, I think the memories fade or get filed inbthe right place over time. I get so much joy and hope for the future from my daughter. Being unwell was not your fault and I know you will have done the very best you could at the time, I remind myself of this very often as regularly feel the guilt, disappointment and grief of the beginning of her life. Take care x
Hello dear,
I had my first at 21 and second 24 and had pp with my second so I can relate to being young and going through something so traumatic. I can also relate to not being able to get over what happened. I obsessively obsessed over what happened and how to prevent it happening again for a year post illness.. I was getting better but at the same time not that well with how obsessive I was thinking I could prevent it and it was something I could control. Took a long time, but it definitely started to get better after about a year. I’m bipolar 1 and still struggle with my mental health and have for most of my life so it is still something that is always there, it didn’t end with pp for me. But I am grateful to be mostly well and functioning and looking after my children. I too couldn’t look after my children for a good few months and my partner did absolutely everything. Luckily I don’t feel the guilt for not being able to look after them because it was completely out of my control, but I do feel guilty for traumatising my eldest and I wish I could have been brave enough to take my self to a hospital. I thought it was better I was home but really I needed to be away from them. I had home treatment for a month and luckily I responded really well to the medication so avoided hospital. But I do think that’s where I should have been much earlier. But now I’m wiser and less terrified and know what to do if it ever happens again. You will be able to come to terms with it more with time. Here to chat anytime xx
Hello bluelagoon12344,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for reaching out here and sharing some of your story 💜
My name's Jenny, I'm one of the peer support coordinators at APP and had PP after my first son was born in 2012. I'm so sorry to read what you went through. It's good to hear you're doing well and have such a good bond with your little boy 
I hope you'll find connecting with others and reading others' experiences helpful. I know it was such an important part of my recovery and really helped me to process what had happened - it can feel so lonely having gone through something most people just can't understand. PP mums are amazing!
I found writing things down really helpful and cathartic during recovery. I know it's not for everyone and you might find different ways of working through your experience - art, music... Have you accessed any talking therapy at all? It was never offered to me but I know lots of people find it really beneficial. It can take time to process everything and come to terms with all those emotions and memories, but know you're not on your own and be really kind to yourself always.
I wanted to share APP's insider guide with you in case you've not seen it. It's called 'Recovery after postpartum psychosis' and was written with the help of women who have experienced PP and goes through different stages of recovery - app-network.org/postpartum-...
You can also read more about our peer support - 1:1 peer support and café groups - here: app-network.org/get-help/pe... Do get in touch if you'd like to know more.
Sending very best wishes,
Jenny x
I understand the sadness of losing the time with your baby. It can’t be brought back and that is hard to come to terms with, on top of the trauma of everything you went through.
Sending hugs
Hi bluelagoon12344,
I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been feeling this way 💗 I don’t have much more advice to add that hasn’t already been mentioned by the other wonderful mums, but I wanted to say that I felt the same way after I had PP after the birth of my little boy in 2014. It’s a natural part of recovery but please keep in mind that you’re an amazing mum that’s been through a traumatic time. The difficult thoughts and emotions will get easier with time 💐
Best wishes, Amy xx
Hi bluelagoon12344
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope you are finding the support and advice from others helpful.
I to carry the guilt from missing out from my sons early years. I was in the MBU for 3 months before I found I truly had the head space to bond. I did find with time as others have said, it did pass and years of loving and caring for him helped with the guilt. When I went on to have my second child with no PP I found myself taking millions of photos and going to every baby group I could find. I think I was trying to compensate that guilt I held, but instead it brought it back to the service, as I felt I wasn't the same mother to him as I was with the second.
I do however feel it is OK to carry this guilt and learn to manage it. I think its a reflection of what caring, strong mothers we are and we should be proud of how far we have come.
Just remember you're not alone with these feelings and you are an amazing mother and this experience makes who you are today 💜
Cheryl xx
My daughter was ten months old when I was hospitalized and learned to walk while I was away. I never saw her first steps. While that makes me sad, and I regret missing that time, there were a couple things that helped me to feel better. One is that she doesn’t remember it at all, other than what she’s been told. We have a great relationship now (she just turned 22) and she’s a terrific person. As long as babies are loved and cared for, children are incredibly resilient and can adapt.
The other thing is that while you were ill, you probably weren’t the best version of yourself. I know I wasn’t. I wasn’t capable of being the best mom I could be during those times. I never hurt or neglected them, but I was emotionally absent and self absorbed by my own issues. The best thing you can give your child is a healthy version of yourself. You had to take some time away to achieve that and that’s ok. It isn’t any different than if you’d had to be hospitalized for Covid or something. You had to get healthy and you did.
What’s in the past is in the past. Think of your journey like driving your car on the highway and getting a flat tire. It’s aggravating, but what do you do? Do you stand around looking at it, or pop the other three tires and just sit in the car forever feeling upset? No, you fix it and drive on. I know it’s easier said than done but try to look forward and focus your energies on your future with your son. Make goals, enjoy his milestones. He probably will not even remember the time when you were sick. Best wishes 😊🚙
We’re quite similar reading this! I had pp when my baby was ten months too. And I don’t remember when she took her first steps either 😔but I totally agree with what you’re saying, it’s no different then being poorly with a physical illness and needing the time to get better xx
Hi there,
I think like the others, we can all so relate to your post. Coming to terms with missing out on so much, was and has probably been one of the most difficult parts to my recovery.
I was ill at home for 3 months and then did 5 months in an MBU luckily with my son but I remember very little to be honest.
I went through a period of almost punishing myself and wanting to have another baby to make up for how bad I had done it the first time. Not being able to answer questions like… when did he start crawling… how was the weaning process… when did he roll over… I simply just don’t know the answers to that. And that in itself opens up a can of worms depending on who you are talking to and if you really want to have to explain it all to that particular person.
My son is now 4 and I feel that there is just a continuous amount of things changing about him and new experiences with him that the not knowing about the ones in his first year becomes less and less prominent in my mind and they are replaced with the new fresh ones.
It will get easier and don’t feel bad about what you’re feeling…. It is so so normal!
Take good care of yourself!
Hello bluelagoon12344
Just wondering how you are since you posted. I hope you found the links and support helpful. I think it’s so good to have this safe space to come and be understood. Take care. 🌻
Postpartum psychosis recovery
Postpartum Psychosis Recovery
Postpartum Psychosis Experience
Psychosis or just Depression.
