5 months on... when will this stop

[AbbyTina]

5 months ago I got discharged from The Mother and Baby Unit in Winchester.

I was in the Mother and Baby Unit for 5 months, I had Postpartum Psychosis whilst also getting diagnosed with Bi-Polar.

My son is 8 months old.

I came off of Olanzapine and am just on Lithium.

I am struggling, I feel totally alone like everything I've gone through has destroyed me. I feel very weak and getting through each day is getting harder and harder. I just want to know when this will stop.

I want to enjoy my baby, my life but I just can't. The trauma of everything has taken it's toll and I feel empty.

Has anyone else out there managed to get any support? or feel like I feel?

I have the perinatal team but that's not enough support. I'm waiting to hear back on when I can get sociology sessions but that could be weeks. I'm trying to have patients but being out 5 months now I can't live my life like this anymore. Hospital was scary but being home and having no support whatsoever is terrifying.

[Zebunisa_at_APP Moderator]

Hi AbbyTina ,

So sorry to hear you at struggling. I struggled for the first 6months of my baby being born too. It does get easier I must say.

If you are not feeling 100% please relay this to your dr and be persistent in asking for extra support. Maybe they could offer an extra service that you don’t have. I’d also mention this to the perinatal team that you are currently under, I’m sure they would try to work a plan out with you and your recovery. In these cases where we feel alone and are struggling we need to speak up. So definetely speak up and mention this to those services that I have mentioned (GP and perinatal team). They will both offer additional and different help. The more help you get the better I’d say. It can never be enough so don’t feel guilty for asking. If you don’t ask you don’t get, so do ask.

There may also be some mother groups in your local area, you could ask your health visitor about these or the perinatal team and maybe mingle with other mums. It may make you feel better.

Hang in there, you will get there. It just takes time and right now just focus on getting better, don’t be too hard on yourself. Seek that extra support and put yourself out there, mingle and share your experience with other mums. You’ll realise all mums go through their own struggles, it may give you some comfort too.

You are a great mum, you will get through this 💙

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

Dear AbbyTina

Thank you so much for reaching out and sharing a little bit of your story with us. It’s heartbreaking to read your post, I can really feel the pain and distress you’re in. And it takes real bravery to seek out support - and to find that strength and patience to get through each day.

I’m about ten years on from where you are now. My baby is almost 11 now and when he was born we spent some months in an MBU where I was then diagnosed with bipolar. You’re right - looking back, the time spent recovering in hospital was nothing, next to the days, weeks, months, of recovering at home - without the support and security of the MBU. I felt so reliant on the staff, and having that constant source of reassurance, that the transition home was really hard. There were many days when I didn’t think I would make it.

I’m trying to think back to what really helped me. I guess “time heals” and perhaps there was an element of that. Certainly the raw trauma of the birth and then the psychosis faded a little bit over time. But I think I was also really lucky to have an “early intervention” health visitor who would do regular home visits and was able to give me that much-needed reassurance and support (mostly over baby-related anxieties, rather than my actual mental health). Maybe you could ask your GP / current health visitor if there’s a similar service in your area?

Failing that, do you have a local children’s centre you could visit? Often there are support staff there who have tonnes of experience with new parents and might be able to offer you some regular sessions? Me and my son spent quite a bit of time at the one local to us and it was a good way to get out of the house, even when it was the last thing I felt like doing.

It sounds like you’re doing amazing - coming off the olanzapine is fantastic progress, and it’s such early days still. You’ve been through so much - giving birth, then getting PP, hospitalisation… that’s so much for one human being to survive! And you did it! Honestly, I’m not sure people understand just how much a PP mum has been through - but we here on the forum certainly do and I am in awe of you. You sound like an amazing mum too, striving to be the best you can be for your little one.

I just want you to know that it does get better, it really does. Sometimes we have to “fake it til we make it” - so for example getting out the house when all we want to do is stay in bed. Sometimes doing these “healthy behaviours” can have a positive impact on our really low and negative thoughts and feelings (in a reversal of the vicious cycle where unhealthy behaviours can trap us in really low mood and negative thoughts).

One other thing I’ll mention, that I’ve talked about quite a lot on here, is the importance of self compassion. Being kind to yourself. Recognising the pain that you are in and rather than fighting it, allowing yourself to feel it - in order that you can then soothe yourself, and start to feel more strength and support from within. I’m not explaining it really well but there’s lots of explainer videos on YouTube, such as: youtu.be/vU1-S3LgzC0(Not working as expected?) and youtu.be/-kfUE41-JFw(Not working as expected?)

Hope this helps. Please do keep writing and reaching out on the forum here. We are all rooting for you, and your recovery

With all my best wishes

Kat x

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Dear AbbyTina,

Thank you for reaching out to us here on the forum, I’m so sorry to read about how you’re feeling and how much you’ve been through.

As others have said, do ask the GP and perinatal team if there are other services and support you could access, and health visiting teams are a good source of advice too. Social media can also be a good way to find local groups, I follow a local ‘Parents’ group on Facebook and people are constantly sharing information about groups or asking if something exists… I definitely went through a period of ‘fake it til you make it’ as Kat says, going through the motions, and things gradually improved and started to feel more natural. I think a combination of things – medical, psychological and social – are needed to help us pick up those pieces, but please be reassured that you can get through this.

I wanted to share our insider guide ‘Recovery after Postpartum Psychosis’ with you in case you’ve not already come across it – it was written in collaboration with women with lived experience of PP and goes through the different stages of recovery: app-network.org/what-is-pp/... If you’d like a printed copy sending to you, do drop me a DM or email [e-mail]

You can get through this, one day at a time. Write here any time and be gentle on yourself.

Sending very best wishes,

Jenny x

[Skyblue7]

hi abby

u have already made it a long way. i had psychosis and was left on my own. however i got support on here and write to some one regularly about how i feel and what i’ve accomplished it helped a lot emailing a stranger that has gone thru similar things. try getting out to baby groups they helped me so much esp church ones they made me feel more welcome and made sure wasn’t alone. it may seem daunting even if your baby is sleeping just to get out. it’s little steps that helped me and i’m just coming off all my meds which has been a long journey but got there. keep talking to someone u can trust will be there i hope this helps. yes i felt empty i think the tablets do but mine helped a lot i then went from olanzapine to anxiety tablets which helped but felt nothing but the more i done the better it helped. i hope this helps abit but remember how far u have come xx

[The_Wes_Anderson_Fan Volunteer]

Oh AbbyTina, that sounds so tough. I spent 3 months on the MBU followed by a bipolar diagnosis too.

Do you have anyone that you can stay with or someone who could come to you? It would give you a bit of respite to get some sleep etc.

Thinking of you X

[YellowBanana09]

hello AbbyTina,

I’m so sorry you are feeling so low - I’ve been there too - feeling broken and having a baby to look after (it’s was also the start of lockdown - awful) I don’t know much about lithium but was on olanzapine too. It sounds like you are struggling with depression after such trauma - very normal for what you have been through. I would urge you to reach out for more support if possible - be it medication to help you manage or whatever input you can get. It’s very frustrating that you have to be very vocal about what help you need. Don’t forget you can access the crisis team or a&e if you need urgent support.

I’m so glad you have reached out on here - you are not alone. I know you feel weak - but look how strong you are. You are a survivor, you have been through so much, and you are still here - what a superwoman. I have felt broken too, but I try to see how strong I am that I have survived.

Do you have family/friends you can reach out to to help you with your baby? Make some time for yourself to do a soothing activity - have a bath, yoga, colouring, cooking, a walk in nature… etc? Small things to add some self-kindness to your day?

Can you add some regular weekly activities to your diary - I found a playgroup on a Monday morning really helps me when I fear the long week drawn out ahead of me… and it really is a case of one day at a time, if not just think about the next ten minutes.

I hope you feel better soon, we are here anytime xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello AbbyTina

I hope the shared experiences and links here are helpful. Just wondering how you have been since you posted. I hope you have found extra support to help in your recovery. Take care 🌻