Firstly I want to say how sorry I am for some of my posts a few weeks ago, I had another psychotic episode in which I found out I was pregnant and thought the baby was from God and I was helping save the world.
Anyway, I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I have three children and I now believe I was ill/becoming manic when I thought having another child was a good idea. My husband is delighted though and believes its all meant to be. I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar Schizzofective. I did some pretty embarrassing things in my latest episode however the strange thing is is that it is memories of my first psychosis three years ago which are plaguing me. I was not treated very well when I was in one of the hospitals and these memories are torturing me - prior to this episode I had pretty much stopped thinking about them. I feel like my thoughts are in a constant loop - going over what staff had said to me and how they were with me. they made fun of me and encouraged my delusions and just really did not treat me with any respect, dignity or care. I am thinking about making a complaint - not that i believe it will do anything now but more to give me back some control. I know it will be hard to take my word when I was very ill at the time against staff members.
I just feel so alone, low and anxious and stuck in my own head with my thoughts. Its like I am back to square one again although my husband feels I am a lot better than than the first time around as I am talking more and telling him everything. I just don't know how I will care for another child when I feel like this. My husband is telling me I have six months to go and I can make progress in that time. I am starting therapy again and currently on Risperidone which is being changed to Quetiapine as I haven't been sleeping well.
I guess I am just looking for some hope from anyone who has had more than one episode. I just want to be the bright, fun person I once was but deep down I know I will never be the person I once was after all this trauma - I know that may not necessarily be a bad thing because I can see how much more compassionate I am and less judgemental. (My first psychosis centred around me thinking I was a bad person with bad thoughts and it really made me examine myself)
Thank you for taking the time to read.
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Control1234
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It’s good to hear from you and please don’t feel you need to apologise for anything – I’m so sorry you’ve experienced another psychotic episode.
I can imagine you are going through some very mixed feelings right now with regard to your pregnancy, and I’m sorry you’re struggling with memories of your negative experiences from 3 years ago as well.
In terms of your negative hospital experiences, I hope you can find a way to try and process this. There is support available for making complaints against the NHS (if you are in the UK and it was an NHS hospital). A good starting point may be to approach the Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS) attached to the relevant NHS Trust or commissioning organisation – they should be able to help and advise you. It may be that a conversation would be helpful even if you don’t decide to progress to making a formal complaint – yes you were unwell but it’s important for services to understand the impact your experiences have had on you and I hope there is a route by which you can talk this through.
There is some information about PALS and making complaints on the NHS website:
I hope with the therapy, change in medication and lots of support, that things will start to feel more positive – it must feel a lot to process right now but keep talking and surround yourself with all the support you can. Are you under a perinatal mental health team?
I am sure others here who have experienced more than one episode will reply – we’re all here to listen and support you 💜
If you are in the UK and would be interested in accessing 1:1 peer support, do get in touch. You can find information about our peer support here: app-network.org/peer-support/
How are you feeling today? Please no need to apologise, give yourself some compassion when you are not well, we all have been through it and understand.
I am sorry you had an episode not long ago, and that you are feeling overwhelmed with the prospect of this next baby. I went on to have another baby after having pp with my eldest. Pp did not repeat for me, though I did get depressed and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder of the back of it.
Sounds like you have a few things in place that are going to be of help, I hope that the changes in medication are helping with sleep (so, so, important) and starting talking therapy will be a very good opportunity to talk over these memories from your first pp episode. I felt quite anxious at the beginning of my second pregnancy, but being followed by the perinatal team and preparing a plan for me to remain well did a lot to calm my fears. I am much more assured when I have things in writting and it becomes a matter of following the next steps. Also, making sure that the antenatal team following me was very aware of my history and worked together with the perinatal team was helpful in me remaining well.
Did quite a bit of reading as well, the guide Jenny mentions is really good and concise with loads of practical information, and also your therapist may be able to recommend some reading, I like a book called "Good mums have scary thoughts" which I would recommend to any mum, it does a very good job of showing the mental struggles related to motherhood and makes a good distinction on when a situation is a struggle and when things have got to the point that we need help.
Do let us know how you are getting on, and do message if you have any questions (if you prefer to direct message is fine as well). Thinking of you, take really good care
Firstly, please don’t apologise for your earlier posts there is absolutely no need. I just hope we can be helpful and supportive here on the forum. At whatever stage of illness / mood cycle / episode you are at. We have all been through various forms of psychosis and many of us (like myself) have had more than one episode.
Mental illness, like life itself, is a game of trial and error. And you have been dealt a rough hand with the schizoaffective diagnosis. That is a really tough condition for anyone to navigate, let alone someone with 3 young children and a busy family life. So I take my hat off to you - it’s incredible what you are achieving and overcoming every day.
I’m sorry to read you are feeling so low. I hope the forum here helps you feel a little less alone in your feelings but also that you have good support out there in the real world too. It’s great to hear you are starting therapy again and I hope that is really helpful and practical. I take quetiapine at night and find it helps a lot with my sleep, and controls well my tendency towards racing thoughts too.
I hope the memories quickly become less and less, so that you can see the psychotic thoughts for what they were - delusions of inadequacy fed by the mental illness and not based in fact. In my postpartum episode I too had these awful thoughts - not only was I an evil person but that I was somehow responsible for the end of the world and was going to be tortured and punished for eternity. The things the deepest recesses of our minds can come up with!!
Like I say, you are doing brilliantly to be moving past and recovering from this. I wish you all the very best and hope that you continue to recover well. Please post here as much or as often as you need!
Dear control 1234 one thing you don’t have worry about here is apologising.
I had very similar ideas to you at the beginning of my psychosis back in 1988. I thought I was Mary and my baby was Jesus , plus I thought I was saving the world by supplying breast milk to needy babies. I think we can all look back and say we said and did some odd things at the time. I also thought I had won the lottery!!
I have had two periods of feeling low since psychosis. Both times I was under stress and not sleeping well and I was full of anxiety. I made myself a priority and rested well, ate well and got plenty of sleep. I also could share my feelings and thoughts with people I knew cared for me without judgement and would pray for me. I have had some CBT therapy which i find helps when my thoughts run away with me. Much as we try to put the past behind us , it sometimes pops up when a trigger reminds us. Then I have to discipline my mind and see these thoughts as lies with no truth in them. And like clouds or trains at a station, allow them to move on . Nature, the sea and my garden help me do this. Hoping to swim in the sea as soon as it’s a bit warmer too!
I had two more babies without psychosis and that was mainly due to 100% support from my mum and husband. And a lot of rest and sleep. Easy to say and not so easy to do sometimes. My labours were not a trauma second and third time .
I feel sure you will find yourself again and be the person you were before.
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