My adoption records say my mother gave me up for adoption, but then reneged on the decision, and other things like she resented me (she was healthy before I was born - her symptoms started when I was 3 weeks old), didn’t love me enough, had ambivalent feelings, confusion and couldn’t cope, that we weren’t bonding etc. although they also say she was refusing consent for my adoptive parents to adopt me. I was around 2 years old when I was taken away from mum, and about 4 or 5 when I was adopted.
My birth family have told me that she hadn’t wanted to give me up, it was actually social services that took over and went against her wishes, so I feel really torn like I don’t know what to believe!
My reason for posting, is to ask if any of you ladies have been through similar, where you nearly (or actually did) gave up a child because of your illness? Or even if you’re in the same position, where you were given up because of your mother’s illness? If so, how did it affect you? I feel like I go through similar patterns during romantic attraction/relationships - confusion, depression, anxiety, euphoria, in rapidly changing cycles which just leave me feeling exhausted at best. I’m pretty stable otherwise, aside from PTSD.
B-mum never fully recovered from PPD, and eventually committed suicide in 2013 - I was never able to meet her as an adult, for various reasons, but mostly fear and my adoptive parents not being very supportive in general unless it was material things. I could write a novel about my adoptive life; my adoptive mum tried her best but in general things were kinda toxic. My adoptive dad was bipolar and an alcoholic.
I’ve been able to start recovering thanks to my current counsellor, but it’s still really tough trying to process things at times.
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ChristmasLights
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Thank you so much for sharing some of your story here. I can’t adequately express how much I feel for you - and your birth mum too. I’m glad you have a counsellor who can help you start to unpack some of this, but I can imagine it’s a gruelling process.
There is so much in what you write I’m not sure where to begin but perhaps it’s with sympathy for the loss of your birth mum, and the fact she died before you could get some resolution with her. That’s a huge loss and I’m just so sorry.
It sounds like you’ve identified some aspects of your own emotional life that echo some of your early trauma, and perhaps some of your mum’s trauma too. Learning how to manage that, and form and maintain healthy loving relationships, will really help you in your future. You don’t mention whether you have children of your own but if you do decide to start a family that will really help them too.
There were many women in the Mother & Baby Unit that I was treated in who were on a so-called “Parenting Assessment”. They were basically being observed to see how they cared for their babies, with the understanding that social workers could step in and remove the baby from the mother’s care. It was utterly heartbreaking. Mental illness, particularly untreated mental illness, combined with other factors (poverty, drugs, alcohol, domestic violence) meant that sadly many mums lost their babies that way.
I left that ward incredibly grateful to have a secure, loving family and home life to recover back to. But I never stop thinking of some of the other women there, and how privileged I was. Funnily enough, I am approaching things from a slightly different angle these days - exploring the possibility of becoming an adoptive mum myself, as I am not able to have any more biological children. I’m very upfront about my history of mental illness and ongoing bipolar disorder. The responsibility of adopting a child is something I take very seriously. I’m sorry to hear your adoptive family was / are difficult. I’d like to think things are different these days and that adoptive families would get more support - but I guess that depends on how open the parents are to asking for help!
Anyways, I want to wish you all the best for your future, and in particular with your counselling. Thank you so much for your incredibly thought-provoking post.
Thank you so much, KatG. I don’t have children or a partner. I have found romantic relationships too destabilising, at least up until now, to really stay in one for the long haul. I had never wanted children, either - only partly because of what happened to me, mostly because there was never really a maternal urge on my part. As a child myself, I used to wonder how mothers actually managed to bond with their babies, because the process seemed unfathomable to me! The thought of possibly not bonding with my (by choice, forever hypothetical) baby was very uncomfortable.
It really is horrendous how mothers in general can be treated; with proper support, it could have been so much different in time for those you witnessed in the unit. I am glad you didn’t suffer a similar fate, and hope you still have good support for your own bipolar.
I think my parents did try to get help for me at times - I seem to remember being taken to child counsellors, but if they had been able to be more emotionally supportive/available themselves it would have helped a lot. Better than just relying on the professionals to do it for them. A-mum tended to start lecturing if she saw me moping, rather than try asking what was wrong, which made it harder to open up. Crying or being angry wasn’t really allowed either; my sister told me b-mum did let her and my other siblings speak about how they felt and what was bothering them. I’m glad they had that.
Thank you again; I’ve made a lot of progress, it’s still hard sometimes, but it’s been worth it.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. I’m so glad you have found this forum here. I really do hope your counselling helps you to heal from the trauma of the past, and form new and better relationships going forward. Of course it cannot erase what happened to you, but absolutely you can recover and lead a positive, happy and fruitful life - in whatever direction you choose! As you say, you’ve made so much progress already - you should be really proud of that.
If and when you’re ready for any book/film recommendations that might help you understand your birth mum’s story a little more do let me know - there’s a few that come to mind.
Thank you, KatG - I would love to hear your book and film suggestions. It’s a relief hearing that recovery is also possible happy new year to you and all the other mums on the forum. I hope it’s good for all of us!
The film I thought you might value is one called Irene’s Ghost. Please be aware it’s about a man who was bereaved as a young child, and his exploration into his mum’s life. The filmmaker is Iain Cunningham and I had the pleasure of speaking with him about my own experiences. It’s a really insightful and emotional watch!
For books I really enjoyed the fictional “Blackmoor” by Ed Hogan. Also the historical short story “The Yellow Wallpaper” by Charlotte Perkins Gillman.
Books about mental illness more generally include almost anything by Matt Haig or Nathan Filer. In particular I loved Filer’s book “This book will change your mind about mental health”.
Really hope this is useful! Please don’t watch or read anything if you’re feeling a bit vulnerable xx
I hope you’ve had some time to look after yourself this Christmas?
I know it can be a joyful time of year for many people, but it can also be a time of reflection and even sadness for how things are, what we feel we might be missing or even what we’ve experienced in the past. I hope you’re ok?
I’m really sorry to hear all that you’ve experienced in your life. It sounds like such a lot, so I’m glad you’re feeling able to talk about it with your counsellor.
I had Postpartum Psychosis (PP) back in 2016, which is how I found this forum of women and the supportive community here who have experienced the same in some way.
I’m really sorry to hear that your biological mum had Postpartum Depression. I also had that following the my postpartum psychosis, and was lucky to be able to access the right help at the right time for both.
I’m really really sorry to hear about your biological mothers postpartum depression and later suicide. This must have been extremely hard for you to have heard about.
I wonder if you’ve heard of the organisation Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide at all? uksobs.org/ They offer support to people who have experienced the suicide of a relative or loved one.
To have been adopted too, whilst very hard can also be a wonderful thing for people - which is why I’m also really very sorry that your adoptive family weren’t / aren’t how anyone would have hoped for you. I’m so so sorry.
As a daughter of an alcoholic father myself, I can really understand and feel deep sympathy for what you might have experienced. And how you will, potentially, still have very mixed, complex and perhaps confused feelings about your adoptive family too even as an adult. All that you’re feeling is ok. I hope you know that.
Have you heard of the charity Al-anon which supports families of alcoholics (whether they are still drinking or not) al-anonuk.org.uk). There is also lots more information on the Alcohol Change webpage too: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcoho...
And finally I wonder if you have every heard of the charity Adoption UK? adoptionuk.org/pages/catego... . They offer support and also information and resources to adoptees of any age.
I really hope you’re ok. I’m glad you’re seeking support from a counsellor. I did too myself having experienced Postpartum Psychosis which is what brought me to this forum.
Talking is always good I think. Even if it hurts.
Take great care of yourself. Thinking of you. Rachel x
Hi Rachel, thank you for sharing some of your own experience; I’m sorry you also had an alcoholic father. It’s sad that it affects so many people; I truly admire those who are able to overcome it, even though they still have to work at it and be vigilant about their behaviour to avoid slipping back into the addiction. I was told by a social worker that if SS had known he was an alcoholic then, they wouldn’t have allowed a-parents to adopt me. I feel angry that they chose to hide it, because as you know, it can have a big impact on our lives.
I do have complex feelings, mostly guilt, anger and wishing none of this had happened, right now. I will be ok, though; thank you for the reminder that it’s ok to feel like this. My adoptive dad passed last year, it was a relief for me but I still wish things had been different. I had heard of Al-anon, even suggested to a-mum several years ago that she could get help from them, but she vetoed it immediately. She likely felt a lot of shame for her situation, in fairness. Thank you for the other links, too
I was devastated to learn that birth mum had died; after the initial shock and grief, I started leaning more into spirituality. Not everyone believes, and that’s ok, but it really has helped. The grief is still there, just not as intense as it used to be.
I wouldn’t say adoption was wonderful for me, and it does hurt a lot of people - though some people have had good experiences. Getting to know birth family has really helped with self acceptance and other things. Birth mum was a wonderful person in spite of her illness, by most accounts.
I hope you had a good Christmas, and wish you a happy new year!
thank you for sharing your story and connecting with us. I am so sorry about your struggles and particular the passing of your birth mother. Mums on here are realy wonderful and have helped me throughout some tough times. I did not find out about APP until 5 years after being acutely ill with Post Partum Psychosis.
I suffered trauma in a Psychiatric hospital, and recovery took longer than expected with PPP. Yet, I continued to struggle for a long time until receiving a diagnosis of BP by Professor Ian Jones.
I want to respond to you, because in some aspects I can relate to the painful experiences of the past. In the last 12 years my life has changed drastically. Even though digging into the past I came to the conclusion that I can not change what happened, but make use of my newly acquired skills in order to live in the present time. But of course you may need to get to that mile stone first and find some conclusion in a way. Grieving is such an individual process. Those stages of Kuebler-Ross (exploringyourmind.com/kuble... are of great significance and in my viewpoint circumstances affect the order of the grieving process. You see, my dad past suddenly during my recovery, so did my mum in law.
Mental health has been a huge stigma in my family. After analysing my mental health records I connected with an aunt from my mums side and found out about her childhood experience. She was staying with different family members, when young. Her mum could not cope and was diagnosed at the time with Schizophrenia and spend most of her life in a so called "Asylum".
The aunt helped me to understand the women on my mum's family tree. I figured out that there maybe a disposition of PPP and BP. My mum does not talk about MH issues, in fact my parents could not support my partner, when I was so terribly poorly.
Nowadays I do understand that my dad had to care for my mum, after she had my brother and deep down I know that she is also coping with a BP spectrum, but very different to mine.
And yes, I am spiritual, too. I always followed Buddhist philosophies, before getting poorly with PPP. I learnt in my 30s how to meditate (mindfulness of breathing/meta Bhavna) and beside my art therapy tools I studied Reiki (Usui and Master Reiki). Self healing is an ongoing process, especially cellular healing. I find Yoga and nature very therapeutic, too. I like to read about mums and their coping strategies. I am continuously learning.
Wishing you well and hope you will be able to manifest coping strategies. It took me a while to identify triggers and learning how to manage those. Professional support, therapy and therapeutic modalities and my lovely family have helped me along my recovery path.
Thank you so much for your kind response, and the link; I’m also really sorry you and extended family have had similar experiences, and that you lost family members like that. It all sounds very tough for all of you; I hope things are on a more even keel, now?
My birth mum was later diagnosed with bipolar, and was in and out of psychiatric wards the rest of her life, too. My adoptive parents were judgmental (in some ways, understandably so, but I know it’s based in ignorance) in most of the discussions about her, and what happened, but it really wasn’t her fault, nor mine. Reading about how PPD affects others has really helped lift some mental weights off my mind, even though I’ve only been here a day.
I am doing fine dearest ChristmasLight. I agree with you that ignorance and being judgmental are coping mechanisms, because of possible fear and stigma. Continues learning and raising awareness about mental health is important in order to reduce stigma. Always happy to talk on private chat.
Self care and self love has been important in my recovery, - be kind and gentle to yourself. xxx
Oh Rachel, these are such useful links when in despair and thank you for your openness and transparency about your lived experience. Sending you much love and kindness, too.
Dear ChristmasLights, I’m glad you found the forum and I hope hearing from mums that have all suffered with Post partum psychosis might provide some insight into what a horrendous and debilitating illness it is. I’m really pleased to hear you have a good counsellor to help support you in healing forward from all the pain confusion and complexity regarding life growing up. I had Ppp in 2018 and although no one can know what the ‘reality’ was for your mother’s situation and the pain of you being separated from young age, I thought it might help to know things aren’t always as they seem and perhaps that’s why all confusing. When I became very unwell with Pp I had a baby in intensive care in hospital awaiting surgery , unknown to me until I was better and home there had been a court case to prove I was unfit to consent for her surgery and as my partner and I weren’t married he could not consent, so once home I discovered medical documents that helped support the case that I was too unwell to consent, they made very difficult reading to me , they said I wasn’t even aware I had a daughter etc etc I was completely oblivious but extremely unwell in fact I found it very hard to believe what was written so a year or so after I got home I got my medical records actually it says they couldn’t fully assess as I was so sedated from the medications they had given me ( this was actually really helpful for me to read as I couldn’t believe I would have forgotten I had a daughter but sitting completely out of it on drugs cocktail they had prescribed it was easier to comprend) anyway everyone was working in my daughters best interest and that was to get dad to be able to consent for her surgery while I could not. At most unwell with ppp I had severe delusions and in the 24 hours prior to being sectioned I couldn’t look after my other daughter I recall my brother trying to encourage me to pick her up but I was so unwell I knew I couldn’t safely look after her once my parents arrived I felt safe she would be better looked after by them and I fell completely apart. So it’s all extremely complex and difficult what a mother might think is best for her baby might not be what others think is ‘normal’ I can only assume in the day in age your mother was unwell with it knowledge and medical support might have been no where near as good as it is now and even now it has a way to go (in general psych wards and A&E in particular). I am so so so sorry for the loss of your mum and sorry for her suffering and yours too. It is never ever ever the child’s fault. Being a mother is very stressful and can be overwhelming and the illness can mean you have have such strange thoughts and beliefs. Through what I have been though with this illness and also my daughter being critically unwell at times on life support etc I have felt a stronger spiritual connection with God / love and of course still working on it all!! It’s very sad you can’t ask your birth mum about it and I can’t imagine how that might feel for you. I just wanted to share a little insight from my experience to say things aren’t always what they seem and social workers , mothers , all different professionals have to put together cases ( and by that I mean document words that may not be entirely the right story) that make possible what they might think at the time is the best situation for the child, in this case yourself. Sending love and if you ever want to connect more ApP have a number of meet ups I’m sure you could come too. In addition, there are some books and films that might help give insight into this dreadful illness. They have a book club too. Hope the little snippet of my story made sense. Best wishes and take care xxx
Twobabies, your response really touched me, thank you for sharing your story. I’m sorry that things were so difficult for you, but glad there were people around you who were supportive; I’m sorry your daughter has been so ill, too, it must have been a massive worry but I hope she is doing well now.
I grew up feeling bitter towards my birth mum, not knowing the full details, but never stopped thinking about her. It’s clear now that she was overwhelmed by her illness and while family were helping, there was a limit to what they could do. I agree the records aren’t the whole truth, and neither is what birth family might say for various reasons, but I’m getting to the point where I’m satisfied and ready to stop digging.
I feel so much for all you ladies and wish you and your families all the best!
Oh gosh, Christmas Lights, what a lot to take on board. I am so pleased to hear that you have a good counsellor, who is helping you. I was in a Mother and Baby Unit with postpartum psychosis and I kept in contact with a couple of women. There was a lovely lady, who was made to give her daughter up for adoption as she had insufficient family support around her. It still saddens me now. Some people are failed by the system. I hope you come to terms with what happened. I am so pleased you have found the forum. It sounds like the euphoria etc. that you experience are similar to the symptoms that many of us have had. Take care, I hope that you continue to get a lot of support X
Thank you very much, The_Wes_Anderson_Fan; it really is heartbreaking, when mothers and children fall through the cracks like that. I believe birth mum did spend time in a unit with me at some point, but her symptoms proved too severe so we were unable to bond during the times we were able to be together.
It’s been a big relief realising that the emotional rollercoaster I have been through during romantic relationships reflects the symptoms of PPP/PPD, and how my mother was towards me during my first years. Until now it just made no sense, and nobody really grasped it at all when I tried to put across just how intense it was while searching for an explanation. They mostly assumed the depression was the normal sadness/disappointment of not having my feelings returned.
I hope that things are going well for you and your family, now; it’s very brave and kind of you, and all the other ladies, to share what sounds like very difficult experiences.
I am lucky to have kept well. I hope that the forum can help to answer any questions you have about Postpartum Psychosis, so that you can become reconciled with what happened. There are so many replies here already so it has hopefully helped you already. Take care.
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happy new year to you and all the other mums on the forum. I hope it’s good for all of us!
Watching your daughter go through this illness 
Angry at the way women are treated post partum
Resilient kids and recovery
That Disconnected Feeling..
Back sliding and really scared
