Road to recovery and acceptance

[Classof2016]

PP is such a personal journey so signing up here has helped to understand some familiar stories and hear that recovery is a long journey.

I realise at the time when I was poorly my focus was on getting off medication and being the best mom I could be so the support offered to me just wasn’t on my radar, however now after 2 years since my episode and having been discharged from all services I think it’s time to talk and shake off what feels like a dark shadow trying to trip me up all the time!

I’ve struggled to know what’s out there as we have since moved into a different boundary and I’ve been told that perinatal teams only work with you post 12 months (understandably as services are stretched) so I’m thinking of self referring to main steam well being services with a view to some 1-1 counselling, in the interim I am thinking of getting access to my medical records via the g.p.

My husband has been an immense support and we will talk at lengths as to what journey we have been through, he has accessed counselling services which helped him and is fully supportive of me accessing services but he has reservations about accessing medical records and what this could unearth for me.

I almost feel like it’s a selfish checklist, like a grieving process to accept what happened to me and to see what is recorded in my medical notes.....has anybody else done this?

Also did anybody else struggle with getting life insurance and having a full drivers licence back?

Be great to hear some views 👍🏻x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Classof2016

Welcome to the forum. I'm glad that you have found that signing up has helped you to understand some familiar stories. As you say, PP is such a personal journey and we all have a different story to tell but it helps so much to share our experiences here. You have done well to be discharged from all services in two years.

If you have looked through some posts here, you might already know that I had PP twice many years ago and was sectioned to general psychiatric care. I can understand your need to shake off a dark shadow. I felt the same before I met Prof Jones of APP who was able to confirm my diagnoses and reassured me that I had no choice when PP hit. The guilt I felt was unfounded and I felt so much better about myself after all those years in the shadows. If you live in the UK perhaps your GP can refer you to Prof Jones' Second Opinion Service at app-network.org/what-is-pp/...? Prof Jones is based in Cardiff but a Skype consultation might be possible.

I think your husband is right to be apprehensive about accessing your medical records. I asked my GP for copies of my PP records as although I can recall most of what happened during my two episodes, I did have blanks in my memory. My GP did counsel me about the harrowing content but I still asked him to agree to my request. A few weeks later I collected my notes and put them away in a drawer for a few days before finding the courage to read them. I understood what my GP had meant by 'harrowing' and although I did find out more about the different units I was in and treatments I would not recommend this.

I think counselling is a good the idea, especially as you know it worked for your husband. I had counselling and CBT, unrelated to PP, which was very helpful and arranged through my GP at the time. Is it possible your GP can arrange this for you?

Some mums here have had issues with life insurance / driving licence and I'm sure they will be here to share their experiences. I hope some of this is helpful. Take care.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi Classof2016 and welcome to the forum. Your post resonates with a lot of my experience too - although my illness was almost 9 years ago now, I did feel a lot of the things you describe at the 2 year point. I also think that having a little one is tiring and stressful enough in itself, so doing all of that whilst travelling the recovery journey too is an extra challenge isn't it?

I accessed the 2nd Opinion Service with Prof Ian Jones that is mentioned above when I had a further child, 4 years after my PP. I found it incredibly helpful to feel understood as so many professionals, despite being (mostly) well-meaning and empathic, just didn't really "get" PP, or so it felt. Perhaps this is something you might like to consider, alongside the counselling you mention. A referral needs to come from your MH team or GP but is free and yes, Skype is also possible as I also live some way from Cardiff.

I also requested my medical records from the time of my PP (where I was treated under section in a general psychiatric ward before an MBU, and also under a non-specialist community team for 3 years when home, as well as the early days before being admitted). I did this due to having another baby and struggling to get any MH input locally - the MBU had closed and many professionals didn't see my MH as an issue, despite everything that had happened, as I was well, off medication and with no other diagnosis. I was ready to present my records to the next person who asked me to repeat myself with a slightly perplexed look on their face, to be honest! However, things did come together, albeit late in pregnancy, and the hefty envelope is sitting in a cupboard at home, largely untouched. When I did have a peek - everything was a pile of papers, in no order or anything - what I saw upset me and made me quite tearful. This may have been pregnancy hormones/ tiredness too, but I think it's a big step and even now, I would want someone to perhaps go through, make sense of some medical jargon, and present it to me in a way that was meaningful maybe. It's a very personal decision of course, but not one to take lightly I think. Speaking to a professional recently, they also agreed, saying that many notes are not perhaps written as sensitively as they might be for patients reading them. I also have a blank of about a month and now feel pretty much at peace that anything I can't recall is nothing that I need to remember, if that makes sense.

The final thing I wanted to share with you was around life insurance/ driving. I wrote about my frustrations - and ultimate resolution, although it did take a few years! - with the DVLA a few years ago. The link is here: healthunlocked.com/app-netw...

One of the life insurance ones is also here too: healthunlocked.com/app-netw...

Take care and all the best with your continued road through recovery. We are here to listen and share experiences too, I hope it's been good to know you are not alone. xx

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Hi Class

|Your description of pp is poignant. I recovered from pp after 3 months but it was linked to a severe kidney infection which went undiagnosed until I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. No matter the underlying causes, strengthening confidence takes time. I was able to work part time when my second child was about 4. I enjoyed looking after my family and mother and toddler groups were helpful to share experiences. I had no trouble with PP with my son and was told sometimes the hormones are affected more by having a girl.

Hope you get to know other mums and little ones in the area but know you have a great husband who understands the problems.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Classof2016

I hope you found the replies here helpful. Have you thought any more about counselling through the well being service? I think this might be a good idea for you to release all your thoughts and feelings. It's good that your husband is so supportive but sometimes we can hold back on discussing how we really feel for fear of upsetting our nearest and dearest.

I think we expect too much of ourselves after enduring such a traumatic illness and for me PP was not done and dusted after two years. I changed into a completely different person during my episodes and it took a long time to regain my confidence and place. It takes a while to come to terms with what happened, which I don't think we forget but we move on for the love of our family. I think Hannah's comment that she is pretty much at peace and that anything she can't recall is nothing she needs to remember is a good way to look at our experiences. Be kind to yourself and take care.