Feel like giving up

[cas22]

Anyone ever felt like giving up. The psychiatrist told me to keep going as I am and wait for therapy. I hate the way I am at the moment. My eldest cares for the baby and me. I spend most of my time in bed and when I'm not in bed I'm trying not to self harm. I think I've had enough now.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hold on cas ...... you're having a hard time but just think what a great mum you are trying to cope with this illness. Your children sound very caring and that's because they love you so much.

What sort of therapy do you have to wait for? Wasn't there any ongoing care for you while you wait ? Don't give up ..... just talk to us and we will try and help you through this bad time. Did you try Home Start to see if they can help around the house?

Stay safe and take care ...... you need someone to speak on your behalf if you're not strong enough. Ask your GP to refer you for community support .... it's so unfair trying to cope and not being well.

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi cas22,

I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and that the psychiatrist appointment today hasn't moved things on for you, that's very disappointing.

Please don't give up, I know you're in a dark place but it won't always be like this. When are you next seeing your care coordinator?

Keep talking to us, you're not alone xx

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22, sorry to hear that things are hard at the moment. I too remember building up to appointments and feeling deflated if nothing seemed to move forward. I too wondered when you are next seeing your CPN or other professional? Can you perhaps ask for some more support, possibly through go or other professional? If you're taking medication, requesting a review of this might also help.

Hang in there... and I hope you get some rest tonight. You can get through this, we are here to listen and chat. Please remember that this is a temporary illness, you can get better. Take care, xx

[cas22]

The psychiatrist reviewed my meds today he is keeping them as they are. I'm seeing my care coordinator in the morning. I have a support worker from get set now which is the same as home start. She is coming once a week to help me learn to play with baby. I need someone to take the kids away for a bit to let me sleep. All I wanna do is sleep. My eldest has been refered to young carers but they don't want her to go and for me to be left alone with the baby. So I dunno if I'm gonna get any support while she is away.

[Hidden]

Hello cas22,

I am thinking of you-hang in there...it is worthwhile in the long run- because of your wonderful children. Sleep deprivation has a huge affect on our well being. I hope professionals will create a support network in order for you to rest and find some sleep.

My care-coordinator and support worker have helped me to establish copying mechanisms i.e. copying with daily routines , making sure I learn to look after myself and stay safe, bonding and looking after my child...lots more. All in stepping stones...

Anyhow, keep on writing on this forum-you are not on your own.

Sabine

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello again cas22,

I'm sorry that things continue to be hard, I did wonder if your meds had already been reviewed, perhaps see how things go, you might be able to ask for it again. I hope the visit from your care co-ordinator goes well this morning. Please don't be afraid to tell her how you are feeling and the fears about your eldest not being able to access the young carers service. You all need support as a family.

The get-set service and learning how to play with your baby sounds good, I know that this is something I also struggled with and staff in the MBU were very patient with me. It can take some time, I found it such an uphill battle to engage at times, but the rewards and smiles you will get from your little one are so worthwhile.

Is there anyone you can ask to have your children so you can have a bit of sleep? Something your care co-ordinator might also be able to help with, or the get-set worker. I know how debilitating lack of sleep can be. I hope you are able to rest a little today, sometimes feet up with a cuppa if you can't actually manage any sleep, can help a bit in the short-term.

Thinking of you, you're not alone, please keep talking to us all here and the professionals too. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Did you see your care co-ordinator this morning? I hope she was helpful and a good support. I'm glad you are in touch with Get Set Now and have a support worker visiting you. After going through so much with PP we do need help to know how to play with our baby and this can also be a relaxing happy time when we allow ourselves to have a break too.

I think with your daughter going away it might be a turning point for you. I was spending a lot of time in bed and relying on my husband to care for our son. My bed was my sanctuary for a long time. I have read from my notes that my husband was losing a lot of time from work due to me being so stubborn and not getting out of bed to look after baby. Apparently, against his better judgment and following the advice of the Psychiatrist, he was encouraged to leave me in the house with our son and go to work. This had the desired effect and I did get out of bed to care for our son. I think it's a confidence thing .... having such a tiny bundle to love and care for.

You are a great mum to let your daughter go to the Young Carers'. I hope you will have support while she's away. Perhaps as Jasa commented you can try small stepping stones ...... try sitting out of bed for, say ten minutes, then build on this so you can work your way to more time out of bed each day? Then perhaps sit on the sofa and see how you go from there. Imagine how good you would feel if you could show your daughter how far you have progressed when she comes home ......

The fear of me leaving my 'sanctuary' didn't go away overnight but I did eventually fight to be well and made it. I'm sure it's not easy for you being on your own with four children but you will find your inner strength to cope.

Stay safe ...... the lovely hugs from your children will keep you going.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope you have been ok today. Please keep talking here if it helps.

We are all thinking of you. Stay safe and take care.

[cas22]

I got out of bed after sleeping for 17 hours. Went out for lunch at a friends house. I wanna go back to bed now untill I see care coordinator on Thursday. I do believe so far she has saved my life and I will be forever grateful to her. She has set me a challenge to get out of bed for half an hour a day and play with the baby. I'm finding it really hard atm but I'm determined to do it.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

That's such an achievement getting out of bed and going out of the house .... brilliant! Your care co-ordinator sounds such a good support for you and with your determination I'm sure you will meet the challenge. It is hard at first but you will do it! Your children will be so proud ......

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22, well done on your half an hour a day target. Going out for lunch at a friend's sounds great too. Brilliant! These small things will really start to add, you should be proud of yourself. I hope you have had a good rest of the weekend and start to the week. Take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope your care co-ordinator will be pleased with your progress tomorrow. It's quite a big challenge after you have been through so much but I hope you are proud of yourself.

Take good care ......

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22, how are you?

Sounds like you have been amazing to try and fight this. I have to say that was my experience of the depression too - I literally had to force myself to do things, even though all I wanted was to curl up in bed. My experience was depression was something I had to 'fight' - It helped me to start to view it as something outside of myself that I had to fight. Often I did just curl up on the sofa or bed and not do anything, but keep going and try to fight it the next day and the next... Small steps. Your care coordinator sounds so good - setting a really achievable target of half hour a day with your baby sounds like a good plan.

Take care, keep writing whenever you want X

[cas22]

I've done my half hour a day with baby 3 times now. I'm determined to do it more. I'm getting out of bed although it's just to the sofa I haven't managed to get dressed yet but I have the kids school bbq tomorrow so I have to dress and go out. Gonna stay half an hour at least before I freak out and run home.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

That's so good cas, you should be really proud of yourself. School bbq sounds brave, that's amazing you're willing to tackle that. Getting to the sofa is a Bognor achievement too. Thinking of you, take care xxxx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

Good luck with the bbq today. You will be so proud of yourself ..... such a great step forward .......

Take care xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Just wondered how you were today or was the bbq cancelled due to the weather? You set yourself a big challenge today ...... don't worry if you didn't quite make it, at least the idea was there. Sometimes we can push ourselves too hard before we're quite ready. I hope you are ok.

Take good care of yourself ....... you have done so much to change this week and should be really proud of yourself.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

I went to the bbq. I only took 2 of the kids. I stayed an hour and then went home to bed. I'm so happy I went but it was exhausting. Thanks for asking.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Wow cas, you must be over the moon that you did it and even stayed that long! I'm sure it was tiring being out of your comfort zone. I hope it's given you confidence to carry on stepping forward. It's lovely to hear you're happy.

So proud of you ..... you're an amazing mum!! xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi cas that's really amazing you battled a social situation and stayed that long, you should definitely be really proud. I hope you can get up and about a bit this weekend. X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Did your care co-ordinator visit today? I'm sure she was very proud that you more than met the challenge and even went to the bbq!

Stay positive ..... you are doing really well.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Yes I saw my care co. She was very pleased with me. She said im trying really hard. Which i am. She said i wont bond with baby properly untill ive started therapy which will be within the next 12 weeks. So hopefully things are looking up. Thanks for asking.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Thanks for taking the time to reply. It's a great relief when you can feel good about yourself again isn't it? After going through PP it did take me a while to bond with my sons but your motherly instinct has kicked in already and it's there for always! Everyday just that smile of recognition from your baby and the hugs from your children will keep you strong.

I'm glad your care co-ordinator is still supporting you ...... things really are looking up and you should be very proud of how far you have come.

Take good care ..... we are all here for you.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hello cas22

Thanks for your updates, it's great to hear that you have been out a bit more, even if just to the sofa, and the school BBQ too! I know what a battle school events can sometimes be. It's good to hear that your Care Co-ordinator has noticed your progress too, I hope it has given you a boost. I know people commenting on things for me in recovery was always good for my confidence, as it had taken a real battering from PP.

I hope you have a lovely weekend, take care, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope your week has been ok. Hopefully with school term finishing soon you will have more time to relax with your children.

Take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

That was a great reply you sent to Bindy7 on her thread about psychosis. You must be so proud of your children and how they helped through your psychosis. It's a great relief to feel a bit better day by day and I hope the therapy helps when the time comes.

Have a great Summer break.......

Thinking of you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope you are still having great support from your care co-ordinator to help until therapy starts. Your children must be as proud of you as you are of them.

Thinking of you, take good care of yourself

[cas22]

Thank you for thinking of me. I'm doing much better. Still have really bad days and struggle with the kids but I think I'm getting there. I'm no longer delusional which is great. Thanks.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling with really bad days. Can your GP help or are you just going to battle on with help from your care co-ordinator? It's such a relief to realise that you're not delusional isn't it? That's such a step in the right direction

I'm glad you're slowly getting there .... just a day at a time is best for now. I hope you have been able to have time out to yourself in what must be a busy Summer for you. Take good care of yourself. Sometimes a hug is all we need ...... so here's a virtual one from me to you.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Just wondering how you are ..... it's a very busy time when the children go back to school isn't it? Have you started your therapy or is that in a few more weeks? Hope you have been ok.

Thinking of you .......

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

Thanks for thinking of me. Ive had a wobble and tried committing suicide in the school holidays. I've gone cold turkey off my Meds as I'm sure they are making me worse. Seeing Dr tomorrow so will tell her I've stopped Meds. I'm glad kids are back to school. They can't see what a mess I've become. I hate being like this. I want things to go back to the way they were.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22, thanks for coming back to the forum and letting us know how you are. I'm so sorry things continue to be hard for you. I'm glad to hear you will be seeing your GP tomorrow and would really encourage you to be open and honest with her about stopping meds and let her know you have been struggling.

Are you still seeing your Care Co-ordinator and has the therapy you mentioned before started as yet? Reaching out for help is such a brave step and you previously mentioned how great your Care Co-ordinator was so perhaps that can be a source of support to you.

I hope the GP appointment is helpful to you, please do let us know how you get on if you'd like, we are all thinking of you. Take care, stay safe, xx

[cas22 in reply to Hannah_at_APP]

I start therapy on Monday and my care Co is on holiday till the end of the month so I'm on my own atm.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator in reply to cas22]

I hope the therapy appointment is a positive step, that's a shame that your Care Co is on holiday, is there anyone covering for them you can speak to in the meantime?

And if you feel you need to talk to someone, I would imagine there should be some sort of On-Call system, or you can call The Samaritans on 116 123, any time.

You are not alone, hang in there, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Thanks for being so honest about how you have been feeling. I'm really sorry to hear how you struggled in the school holiday. It must be hard for you without the routine of seeing your care co-ordinator. I'm glad you are seeing your Doctor tomorrow so that she can support you and perhaps review your medication.

We have all felt helpless and hopeless but you have had such courage to come this far, so please fight your negative feelings. Things will eventually go back to the way they were and will be even better as you realise how much you have been through for the love of your children.

Does your Doctor have an out of hours service if you feel vulnerable tonight? Or as Hannah suggested The Samaritans are there to talk 24 /7. You have been through so much and thought the unthinkable which I can relate to. I hope you will feel the benefit of seeing your Doctor tomorrow. I'm sure the therapist on Monday will be very pleased how you have coped whilst waiting for the appointment. In spite of your wobble never forget how amazing you are!

I hope you have a peaceful night. We are all here for you .......... xx

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22

I was really sad to read that you have felt really unwell in the summer holidays. And I imagine you must be missing the support of your care coordinator.

I would definitely say you must tell the GP you have stopped taking the meds so they can support you, and maybe look at different meds, or other ways they can help you. Ideally it would be good to see your psychiatrist?

Are you able to make a small plan every day of what you are going to do, so you can feel you have achieved something, and some pride in the small steps you take? or keep a diary where you can write down three good things that happened that day, even if it's very small? These two things did help me get through the depression at times. I really hope the therapy on Monday will help you. Do you have any help from family or friends so you are not alone?

Take care, and do write here whenever you want X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Cas22

Just wondering how your appointment went today with your Doctor? Did you feel able to tell her what a struggle you have had and that you stopped your medication? I hope she listened and was able to help you.

Stay safe and take care ...... you have done really well to recognise that you need help. It's not easy trying to cope with your illness and routine but hopefully with the support of your Doctor today and Counsellor on Monday you can get past your negative feelings.

We really are all here to lean on if you would like to 'talk' at anytime.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

The Dr put me back on my Meds and called the crisis team. They rang me tonight and are coming to see me tomorrow.

Kids didn't go to school today I didn't get out of bed spent all night trying not to kill myself. I thought once the delusions were gone I would get better but things seem to get worse. I have a voice now which tells me to die. I don't even think about my kids anymore.

I do have a new support worker as well she is lovely and listens to me without judgement.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

That's what we are all doing ..... listening to you without judgement as some of us have been as desperate as you feel. I too heard a voice commanding me to do something similar and it takes a lot of strength and help from professionals to fight those thoughts but I promise you that you can do it. Just be firm and tell that voice you are NOT going back to square one, that you have come so far and when you're better you have so many happy places to go with your children that you don't have time for 'his' games.

With the support of the Crisis Team tomorrow and your lovely new support worker you will defeat your demons eventually. You know the voice is your illness so please try to distract yourself.

Stay safe tonight, try to sleep and you will find your way. We are all with you for as long as it takes.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. But as Lilybeth says it is not you it is the illness - the horrible 'black dog' and voices, I know you can fight it, as Lilybeth says try not to listen to the voices. With the support from professionals and your own amazing strength that is in you, you will beat the illness.

We are not judging you at all, definitely not, I have been in really dark places too, it can be so overwhelming. You will come through this, you will enjoy life again.

It is good that you have a good support worker. Do try and tell her everything you are feeling so you can get support. It's really good you don't feel judged by her, she will just want to support you to get better. Do tell her that you couldn't manage to take the kids to school as that really shows that you need more support than you are getting. Is there anyone you can call who can be with you to keep you safe?

Keep writing on here if you need to. We are with you, though I know you can feel so lonely and overwhelmed.

Take care , I am thinking of you a lot X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

I hope your meeting with the Crisis Team went well today and you felt supported and listened to.

We are all here for you. I hope you have a restful sleep.

[cas22 in reply to Lilybeth]

I don't think the crisis team really listened to me but they are coming back tomorrow. My friend took me out for lunch today. The voice was still there telling me what to do but it was easier to ignore it today. I just want to get better.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas

I'm sorry you didn't feel listened to by the crisis team but you had a better time going out to lunch today. Is it possible that your friend could be with you tomorrow when the team visit again so that you can have someone to speak up for you? I'm glad you found it easier to ignore the voice today. You really will get better .... it's just support you need now as you have coped with so much on your own.

Take very good care. I'll be thinking about you and hope the team come back tomorrow with a good plan that suits you.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi cas its good to hear that you managed to go out with one of your friends for lunch. I'm sorry the crisis team didn't seem helpful. Have you met with anyone else for support now?

How are you managing with practical things in the house , cooking, cleaning, school runs? Are you getting so any support? Do you have some friends who can help you regularly with those kind of things?

I also wondered if you had any hobbies you used to enjoy before you were ill that you could try and do, just to distract yourself and lift your mood a bit? Craft or some exercise you enjoy?

I'm thinking of you and really hoping you can get he support you and your family need xx

[cas22]

I have just employed a cleaner to help me at home. She comes for 2 hours a week. The kids are either late for school or they don't go to school because I can't get up in the mornings. Luckily the school is being supportive after my support worker had a meeting with them. My eldest does the cooking and my ex mum in law looks after the baby during the day. I have lots of support now from lots of professionals luckily. I have gp, care Co, health visitor and 2 support workers one for the kids and one for me.

I only have 1 friend he takes me for lunch once a week but I couldn't ask him to do anything practical with the kids it wouldn't be fair. I think I've got enough support now I just need to get rid of the voice telling me to kill myself I need to stop acting on what it says I know what I have to do but doing it is so hard. I want to go back to being like I was before I got pregnant.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Cas22

Thanks for your reply, and sorry for all the questions - I just felt so concerned for you, struggling through it all and know how hard it is dealing with all the practical things. That's great you have good support, sounds like you have a lot of professional input which is so good.

I'm so sorry you're still struggling with the horrible voice and depression... I know it's so hard... I felt the same...I knew what I had to do, and sometimes I could manage to do it, other times I just couldn't.

Thinking of you. You will go back to what it was like before you were pregnant, I know you will... I know it's hard to hold onto that hope and I never thought I would but you will XX

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Was the crisis team any better today? I'm glad to hear you have surrounded yourself with support. Your eldest is amazing and you will have lots of good times to look forward to with your children. I think when your medication kicks in you will feel more positive and the voice will fade as it did for me. It is a struggle, some days more than others, but you will eventually feel better.

It's good that you have an understanding friend to meet, just for a change from routine. We have all gone back to 'normal' as you will, only to realise what great strength you had to come through so much. We are a unique band of mothers

Take good care.......

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi cas22,

I hope you are having a good weekend, thinking of you and hoping that you are managing to relax a little and the voices and depression are lifting a little. It is so hard, but as others have said, you can do it. Going out for lunch with your friend and having the cleaner, other professionals and family support (your eldest sounds great, it's good your ex mum in law is also helping out) - all of this will help I'm sure. Take care, thinking of you, xx

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello cas22

Just thinking of you and hope you are ok. It's so hard to fight the voices and lift yourself out of your low moods but you will do it eventually with all the support around you.

Big virtual hug ...... take care.