When you were ill, how did you feel towards the people looking after your baby?

[andrea_at_app]

Did you resent them for being the main carer when you couldn't? Did you feel jealous, offended or anything else? How much of a say did you have in the baby care & how did you establish the boundaries? As you recovered, how did you re-establish your role as mother & main carer?

[HelenMW Volunteer]

Hello there, I have to admit to feeling very jealous of the nurses who were sent to care for my daughter. It all happened so quickly, one moment I was home with my baby, yes I was becoming very disturbed and unwell, that afternoon I was in the local hospital and then the psychiatric unit. The nurses were very good but I just felt in my heart I had been cheated of my role. I didn't have much say as to how my daughter was looked after and different members of the family also stepped in. All her needs were met. I just knew I couldn't do the job for those months. I recovered after 3 months and then became the main carer again and my natural feelings were restored and I did not want to be apart from her. I felt I had been robbed of the first three months of our life together and all I wanted to do was make up the time, never let her out of my sight and love her. Helen

[Kat_at_APP Volunteer]

I knew I was getting very ill and at first I was just so grateful that my baby was being well cared for... I felt useless and was only too keen for the nurses to take over... They kept supporting me to gradually retake the baby care responsibilities, which I did slowly. If anything I think I let them do too much - but that was the nature of my illness, I felt completely inadequate. However by the time I started going on home leave I was much more confident and had started doing bath time and night feeding... In the end I just wanted to get him home as I knew the hospital environment was no longer the right place for us!

At home I was lucky to have the support of a wonderful early intervention health visitor who comes as much or as little as I need her too. I feel completely independent now, but know that support is there if I need it.

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

I didn't really have many feelings towards the nurses etc in the MBU. Once the bad psychosis had passed (1-2 weeks) I was with my son and caring for him all the time, except at night. During the psychosis I wasn't really aware of what was happening so didn't have any feelings to do with my son being cared for by other people. When I got depressed I had maybe 2-3 days where I was very bad and not with him at all, but then went back to caring for him all day, though struggled a lot with it. Once the depression had set in I struggled more with feeling that my partner was better with my son, could make him laugh, had more of a bond, that my son preferred being with him etc. But as my son got a bit older and was able to interact more it became obvious that he was very attached to me, and very affectionate. And by that point the depression was passing and I was feeling better by then as well, higher self esteem etc, I am not sure what 'cured' those feelings, that the depression passed naturally or my son getting older helped my depressive feelings to pass.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Andrea.

I can remember with my first child that I was very anxious at home, worried if he slept more than four hours, saying, "He should be awake, he should be awake." It's all very unclear after this ..... probably when I went to stay with my parents. Anyway, I was sectioned after attempted self harm, received hospital care for an injury. So at this time I really wasn't aware of who was looking after my newborn, although he was at home with my family. I don't know how long I was in the psych unit without him before I was transferred to another MH unit (not mother and baby but a ward in a Nerve Hospital) where my son could be with me. At this unit I was shown how to care for my son and as time went on I was able to bond with him. I was grateful to the nurses who fed him during the night as I was so tired some days following ECT. After six months we returned home and I had support from my now ex-husband and my family. I was confused as no one explained what had happened to me but I treasured my son and thankfully was able to be with him every day until he started school.

When we decided to have our second child, I had an idea I suffered post natal depression with my first. I had read that anaesthetic might be one of the things to cause depression, so I opted to be awake when my second son was born by c-section (my first son was born by emergency c-section and I didn't see him until the next day). I was at home for a short time until I was sent to a different psych hospital (as we had moved). I have no memory of this time. Is that because of ECT? I don't know how long I was in hospital for, I don't think my son was with me at any time. I was sent home before time and remember self-harming and so was sent back to the psychiatric hospital. Again, when I was well I was so grateful to be home with my family although I didn't know what had happened as no one talked about it due to the stigma in those days. I was lucky enough to be with my second treasured son until he too started school.