Firstly I've already put in place a plan for tomorrow. My husband and sister are aware of the plan so I'm using my mania to get this out now at 12:30 at night. The plan is to get an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist and hopefully be prescribed a very low dose of Seroquel (Quetiapine).
So I've come to the conclusion that I'm heading down the track again. It was quite a sudden realisation that things had turned. Partly I suppose because like last time I was quite enjoying the clarity of thought that early mania brings. I will miss that. Although perhaps this time around I can take some of that clarity and use it to slightly twig my life in the ways that I like.
I like being more organised and decisive. It would be good to keep up those traits. I like not being as self-conscious and speaking up. I like that I reach out to friends more. I really hope that I can keep that up. I like the ambition that it gives me. I hope I can do some of the things that I've just thought "I have to do that" perhaps not now but in a few months I'll start. I'm sure there are more things I like.
So here are my fears. That the low dosages won't help and I get worse. (I was really enjoying the first few days of early motherhood). But I know that I can simply go to the MBU if that's what's required. At this stage I'm not letting people know except my Husband, sister and sister-in-law. That's hard for me because we are a close family. But I don't want to have to deal with them as well as what's going on with me. So my main worry about the MBU is that my family will then find out.
I'm also sad that I've worked hard to establish good breastfeeding with my daughter but now I'll have to be more aware of when I feed her and may not be able to do night feeds for a while. Hopefully I'm more successful at expressing than I was last time. I really should have got the pump and bottles ready.
On top of all this It's my Birthday on Saturday. That just sux!!
Hopefully everything can start getting sorted tomorrow. After already spending 5 days in hospital I really don't want to go back to another one.
Thank You for this forum. I don't know what I would be doing now without it. I'm sure it's going to be a source of great reassurance over the next few bumpy weeks.