Losing my dad bit by bit to dementia

[LindaDec13]

My Dad aged 87years has been totally independent and very mobile - still driving and shopping etc until 10 Dec 2018...when something happened?? A fall or some sort of trauma [TIA?] since then he has developed very quickly with a mix of vascular / alzheimer's dementia. He was admitted to a care home in Feb 2019 and now is at the stage were he has lost lots of weight and his mobility is not good with a couple of unwitnessed falls leading to him being quite confused and when I went last week to visit him - his care home is 150 miles away - he was very unsociable almost aggressive and didn't want to see me...accusing me of ill treating him last year at a farm??? This was most upsetting especially as I didn't see my dad last year just telephoned him etc and I don't live on a farm..it took 30mins for him to allow me into his room...what is happening to my dad he is not who I have known all my life...plus I have to apply for deputyship as the dementia happened very quickly and we didn't get time to get POA put in place so at this moment the local council - Stockton - are paying the fees and I will have to repay them when I get Deputyship but it has now been 6 months and the deputyship application still hasn't been completed by the solicitors I am using..it is just a nightmare as I cannot access dads funds to buy him things - I have to pay for them myself ! Any help or advice I would be grateful for...

[ChristianElliott Partner]

Welcome to the community.

It is quite common for falls to trigger cognitive decline in older seniors, and for sudden onset after a fall.

In the U.S. there are local aging services agencies that can help with POA and other legal documents. Does your local council provide elder and caregiver support services?

All the best.

[LindaDec13 in reply to ChristianElliott]

My Dad has been placed in a dementia care home under DOLS ..thank you for replying

[Poppygail Ambassador in reply to ChristianElliott]

I’m so sorry for the situation you and your father find yourself in. I went through very similar journeys with both my mother and father. My father especially, is somewhat similar to yours. Although he had been diagnosed with Parkinson’s sometime before, his cognition was relatively intact. Until a snowy New Years Eve and he required emergency surgery. The general anesthesia (the trauma) absolutely blasted his Parkinson’s dementia into the stratosphere. Fortunately, our health and circumstances allowed us to keep him at home until his death. The dementia only worsened from there yet he never lost the total concept of who we were.

The best, and truly, the only really helpful, advice I can offer you is to take time for yourself. As you are already finding, caregiving can quickly consume every moment of your life. Especially when you become the healthcare and financial surrogate. You can become overwhelmed quickly and without even noticing. You must take time for yourself. It serves no ones purpose to destroy your health, possibly long term, in the process of caring for your father. You can be of little good to your father or your overall well-being without the occasional respite break.

Also, educate yourself. The MD’s try but, at least here in the good ole USA, they are overwhelmed with regulations, a glut of patients, practice concerns, etc... They neglect, often, simply because of a lack of time, to fully educate you on your father’s condition or, quite possibly, especially if it’s a GP, they may lack the specified knowledge to fully explain what is happening. Especially with LBD, many docs have no detailed idea of how to handle the situation or may not know of it at all.

As your father continues to fade and possibly retreats into himself, please remember that he is almost certainly still in there. Talk with him as you always have, tell him you love him, hold his hand, stroke his arm... anything really, just let him know you realize he’s still with you and that you care. He may not show it outwardly, but I can almost guarantee he hears it on some level and it makes a world of difference.

I wish you and your family all the best as you travel along this desperate winding path that is dementia. If I may be of any help whatsoever, please, do not hesitate to let me know.

Randy

[jeffcobb Ambassador]

I am sorry, yank dementia patient here; wtf is DOLS?

[LindaDec13 in reply to jeffcobb]

dementia patients in care homes are kept in secure wards with a procedure called DOLS [Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards]

[jeffcobb Ambassador in reply to LindaDec13]

Wow, never knew that even had a name, let alone a proper acronym! I guess regardless which side of the pond you are on, the name might change but the results are about the same. When this time comes for me, I am not sure how bad it will be because yes, I am having my liberties curtailed but unseen by anyone making the assumption that it impacts me doesn't see that I am already in a prison of another kind, making where my physical body is irrelevant.