Let’s Give Praise To The True Victims Of Dementia

[Poppygail]

For what it’s worth, I believe the true victims of dementia are those who are caring for loved ones with dementia. Don’t get me wrong, it’s no picnic having dementia yourself, but at least at some point I should reach the potted plant stage and will cease to care about such things.

The caregiver of a loved one (LO), in most cases, are their caregiver 24 hours a day. They often have little to no help, and they are so devoted to their LO that they often neglect their own health to ensure the comfort and wellbeing of the patient. But this is far from the worst part. In my opinion, the worst part by far is being your LO’s primary caregiver and having to watch the person you may care for the most in the world wilt and die away just a little more each day. Many, if not most, suffer a slow grieving process as they see the progression. Then, when the LO has taken their last breath, they get to go through a 2nd, often much more intense, grieving process. Aren’t they lucky that they get to lose the most significant person in their lives twice!

And this is but my humble opinion, yours may be different based on your own experience as It should be. But it almost seems friends and family are deathly afraid dementia is contagious. They’re always there with the good thoughts, words of wisdom, and generic proffers to aid in anyway they can. But few visit the caregiver and LO or offer to sit in while the caregiver takes a well deserved and required break or bringing by a quick, prepared meal or, or or… The point is, these folks are isolated and overwhelmed and any slight gesture would be more than appreciated.

I realized long ago that I was the luckiest guy in the world when it comes to my caregiver, my wife, the love of my life. We met the 1st week of the 1st year of high school, grew up together and just celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary. And she still makes me feel like the boy with butterflies in his stomach from oh so long ago each time she looks at me. And now, even with her own serious health issues, she is a zealot concerning my care. At this point I am doing little around the house, it would take more time to correct my blunders than the help was worth. She has picked the slack without complaint and is quickly learning to do things she is not comfortable doing; all driving, computer maintenance, being the primary navigator when we travel, etc, etc, etc…. And she is not, much to my objection, taking care of herself in the process. She rarely goes out without me, seldom meets a friend for lunch, she is just totally unselfish and places most of her concerns toward me. After many sincere discussions, she is slowly trying to change these things. She has scheduled lunch with a friend at least twice in the past month, she has started to attend an Alzheimer’s support group for caregivers, she and our younger son have gone to the movies a couple times. These are small, but important , steps toward caring for herself.

Perhaps the most difficult part of having dementia, at least for me, is when I’m in a deep, dark fog and have just enough gas in the old brain tank to see the sadness and hopelessness in her eyes as she watches me slowly descend into the abyss. This is the 1st grieving process and it stinks. And there’s little I can do to alleviate the pain. But my sadness about causing her all this distress will soon be a thing of the past as hers lives on. Perhaps Glen Campbell’s I Won’t Remember You At All best exemplifies what I’m trying to say here.

So, if you ever want to meet a true hero, shake the hand of someone who is voluntarily, willingly devoting their lives to someone who will soon not even realize they’re in the room. These are to be blessed and revered, and yes, helped In any small way you can. It may be a small part of your day but it will mean the world to these angels.

Be part of the solution today and, as always, take care.

Randy

[daddyt]

Wonderful words Randy. May I share them?

Tim

[Poppygail Ambassador in reply to daddyt]

Tim, please feel free, I post everything as public. And thanks for the kind words.

[jeffcobb Ambassador]

Thanks Randy, you made me cry. And yes, she is all those things and more. I love her like a long lost sister and am so glad we all got to meet. You two are so special in so many ways. My love to you both.

[gailsinger]

Beautifully said!! thanks for sharing

[ChristianElliott Partner]

Very well said, Randy. So, a question for you and anyone else who wants to chime in:

What are the top three things you would like to offer to your caregiver(s) to say thank you, and give them a boost?

[Poppygail Ambassador]

Christian, that’s a tough one. Neither words nor deeds could ever adequately convey all that I owe my caregivers or the depth of my appreciation for all the selfless attention they have given to my care without a word of complaint. And I wasn’t quite clear on what types “things” you were referring to, whether it be more a more concrete demonstration of our appreciation through physical items/presents or sharing our thoughts concerning their dedicated actions and our concern for their future. I think have chosen to go the route of marrying the two concepts.

So, here we are, my top three things I would give my caregiver:

1. This one is a bit selfish in that not only would I be showing my caregiver my concern for her future welfare but it also feeds into my need to feel that I have contributed something to her care and happiness. With that said, I would want to alleviate as many decisions and stress as I possibly can after my passing by preparing for it as thoroughly as possible. I don’t want her suffering through these decisions during this time of loss. I would like to have all of my final arrangements all tied up and paid for before I pass, I want to make sure all of our finances are in order and, through the use of an elder lawyer, make sure she will have as little to do to settle my estate as easily as possible, and make sure her income was settled as she goes forward. These I would want to do in demonstration of my appreciation for their sacrifices and my care for their future welfare.

2. I want her to know that no matter what, I know she did her very best and she has nothing to be regretful about. If the time comes that I must be placed in a facility, I want her to know I hold no ill feelings about this. It simply means the time came when the decision had to be made that my care was beyond her capabilities and when she had to take her long term health into consideration. It is what I want, not to leave her, but rather to try to protect her.

3. Over the years, I have given her many pieces of my handcrafted intarsia. Most commemorated something, an anniversary, a special trip, a special birthday, just because I wanted to... but now, those are skills that I am quickly losing. If I still could, I would produce one last, significant piece that would show her how I want to face the future. It’s a piece showing an elderly couple, seen from the rear, walking hand in hand toward whatever comes next, facing the future together...

Well, there they are, the three things I would want to offer to my caregiver to say thank you. Unfortunately they tend to be partially selfish but I mean them in the most humble, thankful way possible. Hopefully I came close to the theory of your question.

Randy