Care is a Gift.

[Aurelius75]

Struggling with a dear partner of 22 years who thinks I am stealing money from her and am unfaithful. I also suffer from ischaemic heart disease and diverticulitis. Her family are in denial but slowly coming to realize the things I experience 24 hours a day. I feel isolated and reviled. I also feel committed to 'ride the storm' and just be there no matter what. Unfortunately I am very tired.

[ChristianElliott Partner]

Welcome to the community, and thanks for reaching out. Local resources for caregiver support can be helpful -- what city and state/province do you live in?

All the best.

[Poppygail Ambassador]

Welcome Aurelius75,

I'm so sorry for what you no your wife are having to go through. And it is the both of you. She may have the disease but you are definitely suffering the consequences well.

I have been in your shoes, more or less, with both of my parents and am currently in your wife's shoes as I was recently diagnosed with Dementia with Lewy Bodies (DLB). I'm still early enough in the journey to function decently yet I can feel and demonstratively live the oncoming devastation.

The care you are undertaking is absolutely one of the most difficult tasks you will ever endure. You will put your heart and soul into the care of a lady you have spent so many loving years with only to watch her disappear. Often, she will become angry for no reason, cause you of outlandish things and turn from the sweet person you've known and loved into a hateful mean spirited person you don't know. Demanding things you're incapable of providing. Then, out of the blue, you'll get an old look, a knowing smile, or a quick gentle comment. And you'll see the person you always knew. You'll remember why you're doing what you're doing and can barely put one foot in front of the other. It will all be worth it.

Having said all that, for her sake and yours, you must find time to care for yourself. On one hand, you will have a life to lead when this is on ER and I'm sure she would want it to be as good as possible. On the other, if your health deteriorates now, you can't be of much help to your wife can you? You need to find ways to get breaks maybe consider some respite care or possibly some counseling for yourself. Maybe even grief counseling because, whether its conscious or not, you have most likely started your first grieving process because you're losing her right before your eyes.

Check with her doctor about other aids and concessions you may be able to receive. The local council on aging, Alzheimer's group, social worker, pastor, are a few of the other places you can look for help as well.

And if it comes to the point where she needs a SNF, please don't blame yourself. Remember, you have done all that you can to provide care for her in a loving and safe manner. When that becomes impossible, it will be in both your and her best interest. We were able to care for my father at home til the end. But after my mother broker her hip, the dementia and physical demands became so great that we had no choice but a SNF. It was one of the hardest things I ever did but it was the right thing to do for her safety and well being. And it gave me a chance to become more of a son again rather than a caregive. A much more treasured relationship.

All right, I'm going to get off my soapbox and just say hang in there, do your best, and take care of yourself as well. Take time to enjoy any sliver of time you get together. And remember, I and many others, am here if you have a question, need to vent or just need to talk.

Take care,

Randy