i recently had my second cataract operation. I have had multiple eye surgeries since chlldhood and have limited vision in my previously cataract operated eye. I found the surgery this time very distressing and went into flutter during the procedure. One of my daughters, not the one getting married, keeps being very nasty to me and just after the op she did this and I went back into flutter. I am now really tense about seeing her and of course have to be sat on the same table at my other daughters wedding. She is visiting again next weekend and just the thought of this visit set my heart off. I am in persistent AF which I cope with well but I always find flutter difficult to cope with. Any suggestions about coping with this situation. I have thought about calling 111 next time it happens and paramedics would probably come out and take me in as this has happened to me once after my failed ablation but seems a bit drastic.
worried about going into atrial flutt... - Atrial Fibrillati...
worried about going into atrial flutter at my daughters wedding
Hi Flutterbird, this sounds like a very difficult situation but as its family it won't really go away unless you put very clear boundaries in place which could affect other family relationships too. I went into AF at each of my children's weddings, there was nothing I could do and I kind of expected it. I had a very good friend who literally took over everything and I was able to sit back and somewhat enjoy the day. If there was stress, she dealt with it, decisions to be made, she dealt with it, people to be chased up, she did it. I couldn't have managed, just being there was enough. Is there anyone you could ask to take this role for you, ahead of time? Who could sit at your table and keep you calm by managing potentially difficult family relationships? And if not, just being aware of the possible problems and thinking through how you can best deal with them, ahead of time, may be your only solution? I wish you well, May
Thank you for your very helpful reply. I told my daughter i would need a carer for the day as would not be able to see as too early to get new prescription glasses. Have very little vision in left eye and just had a cataract op in right eye but still need a prescription for that eye. Two weeks ago she told me i was going to be on a table with all friends and my sister. Now on a table with my imediate family all neurodivergent and her wifes family who i dont particularly get on with. I have even been thinking of hiring a support worker for the day. I am even dreading a visit from my family next weekend. She says it is just for the meal but I wasnt intending to stay much longer as will have been there five or six hours by the time it is over. Even before this cataract op i have a tendency to fall over if the light hits my eyes in the wrong way so really need someone close to me for this event and then on top of that the worry about going into flutter as have had two episodes recently. When i highlighted yesterday my need for an allocated carer she didnt respond. Will let you know if i manage to resolve any of this.
I think it’s a good idea to arrange your own carer if you are not going to be with a helpful family member. But first I would ask your daughter if she could revert to the original arrangement which was more suitable for you. After all if you bring a carer she will have to pay and provide a seat for an extra guest!
Yes, I agree. I reminded her by text this morning that I had said I would need a carer in the reserved seating area for the ceremony and at the table and I think she has taken this on board now. Just need to ask a couple of people if they are prepared to fulfill this role for me, cannot take it for granted. There is a lot to organise and for them to get sorted but there has been a lot of family distress recently which hasn't helped. Also having these two episodes of flutter recently have made me anxious which is a shame because my heart has been very steady for a long time. I am sure it will all get sorted eventually.
Hi Flutterbird
I'm sorry to hear that you are having all this worry re your daughter's wedding. I'm afraid our offspring have no idea what we go through with our heart conditions. I find I have to keep quiet about any ailments I have and IF they ask how I am I just reply fine.
When young, myself and a work colleague wondered why old people always talked about their ailments. We said that we'd never get like that! Famous last words, now both in our early 70's we often talk about our ailments and laugh at ourselves for doing so. I'm guessing you may be a little older than me?
My two daughters have never had anything wrong with them so don't understand feeling not well. When I see, or talk to them on the phone now I don't say a word about my health. I have a sister who talks about hers all the time and it is so boring. I once had to listen to her go on and on about it for an hour and twenty minutes. Now I really don't want to talk to her on the phone anymore and try to keep our contact to emails. What I've learnt from this is no one wants to hear much about any health conditions we have, so it's best to keep it brief if we mention it. I have a friend that I can talk to when my heart plays up but she too has AF so understands. We on here are always willing to listen too.
Don't talk to your daughters about your health anymore and just do what you feel is right. Go to the wedding and try to be smiling and happy .
Take care, I understand totally and am certainly here for you.
Best wishes
Jean
My daughter who is getting married is very aware of my heart condition and spent all day with me at the hospital when I had a cardiac ablation. It is just unfortunate I had to have this eye surgery just before the wedding. Whenever I have surgery or a hospital admission she comes home to look after me. I do not feel I cannot discuss my health with her. She was premature and has a lot of health issues and she knows what I had to go through to keep her alive. We are very close. I am 65. She has gone back to the original table plan so I will have my friends and sister nearby so all is well. Of course all the decisions about the wedding have to be what they both want so am pleased it has been sorted out.
That's good news that you will now be seated with friends and your sister. I had a cataract removed last Friday but all went well for me. No pain at all and I'm fine now. I've had 3 ablations and numerous cardioversions. My AF used to be dreadful and I would spend time being hospitalised. Life is so much better for me now, so I'd say to you never despair as your AF may well be better up ahead.Enjoy the wedding, hope you have a lovely time and keep well.
Jean
Glad your cataract operation went well but for those of us who have had multiple eye operations plus retinal surgery cataract surgery isnt straightforward. I now carry a visual impairment cane and have ordered a visual impairment walking stick for the wedding as will be unfamiliar territory. I find my AF much easier now in persistent. They couldnt give me a cardioversion and personally I prefer it to paroxysmal but I can still get episodes of flutter and I have always found the flutter more annoying. My daughter has gone back to the original table arrangement so my friend who was a nurse will be with me so all good and no one will take any nonsense from my other daughter who can be difficult. Hope your cataract recovery is straightforward.
Hi
You're her mother so you are the kind and caring adult.
Your daughter needs to be put in her place.
I do it to my sister who gets told before she tries to put me down. I remind her that I am older so more educated and better experienced.
After putting something in my latest text which affects me in a way that my thymus needs to be carefully examined. Why because my Dad died of lymphoma and heart failure. She, making herself always right tried to correct me. No she said he died of leukaemia and pneumonia.
I had the last input saying I'm reading and from memory of his Post Mortem and his Death Certificate. I reminded her that she is not aways right and not as medically educated as I am.
Silence is the result.
Its just one of my tactics to earn my power over her.
You can be kind but firm as you too are older and more experienced.
Try it to get on top of the anxiety that she makes you feel.
My Mum whilst I was caring for her in my home 24/7 (built her a s/c flat) held the phone out from her and I could hear what my sister was saying. As Mum didn't answer her I replied from a distance. Imagine how that went down.
I got on top and refer to it as 'fun and games',
I am deeply affected that your daughter is doing this to you. You're a lovely sole.
Be brave puff out your chest/bust and go for it I say. You will find the best way for you.
Cherio JOY. 75. (NZ)
Unfortunately my daughter who is unpleasant to me is far brighter and more educated than I am. I also have another daughter, my eldest who hasnt spoken to me for ten years, who my middle daughter still has contact with but she wont tell me anything about her. I know if I retaliate in any way she will stop speaking to me. She has all the power. But you are right I am going to have to find a way not to get so upset when she is horrible to me. I just want to leave the house and get away but i know if i do that it will just all escalate . Now I know my friends are going to be on the same table as originally planned I know she will behave at the wedding so I can relax. Have ordered a visual impairment walking stick for the day as have a tendency to fall over with visual problems so hopefully that will help too.
Hi
U are thinking wrongly about yourself.
My sister has a PHD in Physics and is a school Mam.
Whereas I started nursing 'crippled children in 1965, went into general nursing in 1966 but after passing my 1st professional felt children and nursing for me. However I went sideways and became a top Secretary first job in legal. I type with accuracy @ 92 words minute, not keen on shorthand Pitmans - Mum did Greggs and got my 6th Form Certificate in Accounting, Ecomomics Englis and Biology at aged 38 and 39.
Later wemt into Rehabilitation, Got certificate in with 7 units and then did a Post-Graduate in Rehab.
Medical and Caring always my forte.
I never let the more educated get to me. We are different. Whilst overseas I returned to NZ 3 times to assist Mum and Dad. Then when tryurned for good built a sc unit for Mum. I had 3 very intense years looking after her - she had mobility disability, was sarcastic at times - not against me and I always treasure the time that we had until sibling overrode me and had Mum put in a nursing home.
She died at 93 with an undiagnosed UTI which went to kidney failure. I drove 3-4 hours every month to spend 2-3 days with time for her. My sister was once or twice a year and my bro was just up the road.
Don't ever feel lower than her. You need to gain confidence.
As for children blocking you or ignoring you, I have two adoped children from their birth. The boy ignored me and I just stepped back. Now he is full on. We recently had a 8 of us gather around a table for brunch in a seaside cafe. Missing one my 25 year granddaughter, everyone enjoyed and I paid $15 per child for their mral. No drinks just water.
It made me very happy and I finally met my daughter's partner.
Photo done of our group. I sat next t across from grand children.
No way should you loose your confidence Sixty-chick.
Unbeknown to them my estate will be split evenly for everyone, my children, their children and now 2 great grand childrem. With $10,000 avilable for education and business accessible at under 25 they wil al have theirs at 25.
I wish to make everyone happy.
I scrimmed and saved as a youngster and oder so I have reaped the rewards.
cherio JOY
Hi
Sight is one of the most important senses if not the most.
I am sure that if your 'worst daughter' treats you without respect, your friends will gather around you.
Weddings are for enjoyment for everyone.
I took my Mum in a wheelchair tomy son's wedding.
After I got accused for not feeding my Mum and Kerri said his new wife the bride had to.
Really I said "you didn't check with me". I had fed Mum food before the ceremony started.
Some folks are so critical.
When that was sorted it still did not get my son to converse. But over time he was educated in the fact that I wanted a boy and Doug wanted a girl so the girl came first and Kerri second. But I breastfed him with help of a LactAid and La Leche ladies rallying around with initially breast milk when we went to pick him up.
My hubby couldn't have children.
It was a way to combat my disappointment to say the least.
I am sure one day your girls will come to their senses. Your lovely daughter does not want to get entangled in rivalry but she could help in getting you all together.
This will come eventually just be kind and patient sixtychick.
My husband died in 2003. Son didnt speak to me a year after stroke etc in 2020.
cheri JOY
Hi
Are they all living under your roof?
For that reason it's nice to be single. My sis and bro are both down Wellington way where lived for me from 4 to 14. In the primers an art teacher compared my art skills with my sister and I can remember Mum striding her way down the primary school to discuss. I like art for old farm homes, hills and animals or sea and old boats not flowers in a vase.
Disabled by this heart condition she asked me what I did. I said you a bossy mam. I'll do what I want to and when without your approval.
I win well when I do. She wished me seasonal greetings and threw in Happy Birthday as well 1 month and half away. So I wished her seasonal greetings and wished her a Happy Birthday for August.
I thought that was good. I had a good kaugh to myself later.
When you get above her demoralising ways think about how you will manage her.
A poor lady I knew in UK wrote for help. She and her partner moved in, bullied her and like you was so stressed. It amounts to ekderly abuse. We have smart guidelines here. Do you have Age Concern or Social Wekfare for the Elderly?
I was very careful looking after Mum I did her Tax Return and my Accountant set out Mum wishes that I was her adviser. In the end necause Mum had Public Trust as Executor and I was the Trustee. I handed over Mum finances and 2 on to 1 my siblings agreed to sell all her shares I had set up for her. Then Public charges.
She died 2 years later.
Public Trust told my siblings that I had run her finances well.
I kept the POA for Care.
I was very close to my Mum, more so than my sister or brother.
If they are living in your house, well that's awkward.
Think out a good plan and perhaps with a cose friend. We do't know how old your cildren are. Mine are Daughter 51 and son 47 almost 48. Grands 25, 17 and 16 and 14. Then 2 great grands almost 5 and 3.
cherio JOY
Wow a big family and an amazing life. I was a medical secretary. No, children not living here but when they come its for at a least a day or overnight not quick visits so if there is a disagreement its uncomfortable but you are right will have to find a way to cope with her. Like you my will is entirely fair including my eldest daughter and step daughter who do not speak to us. My mum died last christmas aged 90 of a uti in a very good nursing home and we visited every day. She had AF and was in heart failure and it was time for her to go, she didnt respond to the iv antibiotics so been a stressful year sorting out her estate, funeral and interment of ashes and my eldest daughter doesnt know because my middle daughter, the difficult one, will not tell her. Going to get my solicitor to contact her when i can see better. Like you I can type 90 wpm and do pitman shorthand 130 wpm. I loved my job. I will endeavour to enjoy the wedding. My friend who was a nurse is now sitting next to me so all good.
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