Need to talk

[giddytd1]

I'm finding it very difficult to cope since the sudden loss of my dad earlier this week. I have lone AF and have been relatively symptom free for quite a while since all my medication was changed. I am really concerned that because of all the stress at the moment that I may have a further attack. I have been given a slight sedation to help calm me down but don't know whether the constant dull ache in my chest is down to anxiety or a precursor to another attack. Just thought it would be nice to have the chance to talk.

[jennydog]

Grieving takes a long time - at least 6 months to accept the situation. You need to be kind to yourself.

There are several stages to grieving and you are likely to experience all of them.

I was glad when my adored father died. His suffering from lung cancer had been too much to cope with. Then I felt guilty for being so relieved that it was all over. Then I was angry that he'd left me - he'd never done that before, he'd always been my rock.

Acceptance was very gradual. It was 10 years before I could take my sons to see the grave of the grandfather who died before they were born.

Take your days one at a time. Your father would want you to move forward.

[rosyG]

Try not to overtax yourself physically - I think it's such a busy time when you lose someone that you don't have time to let your emotions out.

It will get better in time and you always have the person with you as you have learned so much from them

take care

[beardy_chris]

Hi giddytd1 - so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad - if you need someone to talk to, try ringing Samaritans on 0845 909090 (or look on samaritans.org for a local number if that's cheaper for you) - you don't have to be suicidal and they won't tell you what to do - they'll just give you time to talk as much as you need. Take care of yourself.

[BobD Volunteer]

So sorry to,read of your loss. My only comment would be to make sure you give yourself the time to grieve. When my mother died I was too busy organising things and being strong for my father I never did and it really hit me about a year later. Don't worry about the AF as right now that is the least of your worries.

Bob

[shirlygirly]

Hi G.., So very sorry for you I think lots of daughters have that special place

in their hearts for their 'dad'. I was like jennydog wanted his suffering to

end but guilty when it happened, my dad had dementia. When my mum died

I had a card which I still have which reads

Those who die dont go away,

They walk beside us every day.

Those words gave me a lot of comfort and I hope they will to you.

I hope you are comforted by the knowledge that lots of people will send

their condolences and sympathy to to you at this very sad time. You obviously loved your dad very much and your dad must have known this,

so he died knowing he was loved a lot.

I think a call to the Samaritans if you feel low or cannot sleep is a very good

idea. Take care. Shirley.

[Whatamug1]

So sorry to hear about your Dad. My dad died 40 yrs ago & it didnt start feeling 'a bit better' for 18 months & still miss him. If you're worried please see your doctor. Its probably that your heart is aching because you're hurting so much at his loss.

[mumknowsbest Volunteer]

When my mum died it was a relief, but then like the others I felt guilty for being relieved. My problem was that the mum I knew and loved went when she had her stroke 10 years previously. That was when I did my grieving. But still felt guilty

Eileen

[Hidden]

Very sorry to hear of you loss. My dad went suddenly (and early) as well (this was 30 years ago). It was a huge shock, so like others I know how you are feeling. The chest feeling is probably heart ache. But what is heart ache, I don't know. Suppose it's anxiety/stress. The sedation sounds like a good idea, hope it's helping.

I've had others shocks since then, and have the heart ached feeling, but it's not translated into AF but did feel like it would. I took sedation as well temporarily, maybe that's why it didn't become AF?

In my case, for some reason I did feel a little easier after the funeral, strange as that sounds. But it took a long time to get over it.

Deepest sympathies

Koll

[fallingtopieces]

Sorry to hear you've lost your dad so recently.

My dad died of lung cancer 13 years ago when I was 42 and I miss him every day. He was unconditionally always on my side, whatever the situation.

The feeling in your chest could be a big knot of sadness. I have that feeling if I'm sad.

I hope your AF doesn't play up , you could certainly do without it right now.

It will get easier but not yet. Try thinking of all the good times with your lovely dad.

Sending a virtual hug your way,

Pat.

[Rellim296]

So sorry to hear this. A sudden loss is difficult because one is unprepared and it is easier if you lose someone who has become an invalid and not the person they used to be. I think the loss of a parent is much more than being without the person who has died because one has to start to stand alone without that rock that Jennydog mentions. The loss is more significant when it is the second parent who goes.

I agree absolutely with Shirlygirly that they don't really leave you because when you know someone well, you can still ask for their advice. You know what they would say and one's parents continue to guide and support all one's life. They just aren't there to see but you still can be with them and share things with them in your mind and laugh with them. And there are times when you can be at ease with the fact they are no longer with you when they escape a hurt they would have felt when something goes wrong.

[souljacs4]

So sorry for your loss. When I lost my dad I tried to think of how I would want him to be if I had passed away and I would not have wanted him to grieve for to long. think about what your dad would be saying to you. Hope this helps.

[dedeottie]

Such good advice from folk on here. I can only add to allow yourself to feel whatever emotion comes your way. They are all normal and part of the grieving process. Don't try and keep a stiff upper lip. My thoughts and prayers are with you.x

[giddytd1]

Thank you all for your kindness and good advice. It really means a lot. The suddeness of Dad passing away although we knew he was ill has rocked the whole family.we had Bern told months rather than years and then had this taken away from us when told only a matter of days. His treatment in hospital was absolutely awful prior to going to the hospice where he continued for only a few hours before falling asleep. The family were with him all the time during his last week as we had lost all confidence in those supposed to be caring for him. It is neither the time nor the place, on the forum, to discuss what the issues were, apart that there were many. Thanks for your understanding and we know that things over time will get easier.

[BobD Volunteer in reply to giddytd1]

Please do not allow yourself to be resentful to those who you perceive let you down. All it will do is build negative feelings when you should be full of happy memories of your Dad. Trust me it really won't help you to get over it and may well slow down that process. My mother had an awful last six months much of which I felt was not helpful and was never going to make her better but back then we tended to trust hospitals. I had to be very firm with myself not to lash out but rather rise above those feelings of resentment and think how SHE would have dealt with it. Give your hate wings and send it flying away.

Bob

[Kimmieblue]

I am so very sorry for your loss, I too have recently lost a parent, my mum. I too felt exactly as you do now with that ache in your chest which really is the sadness and emptiness from loving your dad so much and knowing that he's gone but can't quite accept it.

We had my mums funeral just over a week ago and I posted how I was feeling on this brilliant site, people were just so kind in their words to me, such a comfort at an awful time.

My heart rate was around 155 at that time and I couldn't seem to slow it down but I got great advice here and finally I calmed myself with a mixture of things that I tried such as the bearing down and the iced water etc.

Your dad will always be around you I'm sure, and all those wonderful memories will be locked in your heart and nothing can ever take that away.

Best wishes.

X

[Hidden]

So sorry for your loss - my father died in 2002, and that too was unexpected although he wasn't in good shape (he had Parkinson's and early stage dementia). He too was very badly treated in hospital, and that of course adds to the huge mix of emotions that you are feeling. I hope you have family around that you can turn to and if not, as others have said, the Samaritans can provide a sympathetic ear. Take the time you need to grieve and don't worry about the AF - if it happens, it can be dealt with. Sending hugs...

[porridgequeen]

Losing a parent is a terrible thing.

I lost my dad when I was 34, three weeks later my mum died from a completely unrelated illness which wasn't diagnosed, despite repeated visits to GP and specialist, until it was too late - she died a week later. Suffering the loss of someone and feeling let down by inadequate care is a difficult combination of emotions. Just coping with that massive hole in one's life and heart is hard enough but to feel cheated as well is almost unbearable. In the end my family and I decided not to take any action against the doctor who diagnosed 'worry' as we felt that having to live with his mistake forever was enough for him.

You know that things will get better but it does take a long time - I agree that the day at a time approach is the only way. Keep busy ( I could never see my ironing for tears as the that was when my mind empty) and be good to yourself. Remember the good times and cry when you need to - it all helps.

My newest grandchild is due in the spring, I know my mum will be thrilled and my dad will nodding and smiling.

[Buffafly]

This is no comfort to you at the moment but you are very fortunate that you had a loving relationship with your Dad and can grieve wholeheartedly now and be glad to feel his spirit with you later. People whose last chance to heal a broken relationship has gone have a broken heart in more ways than one.....you were with him to comfort him in his last days and wouldn't really have wanted his suffering to be prolonged for your sake?

As I said those are really thoughts to come back to later, right now I can't say anything except to echo what others have said.....praying for you too.

[nikonBlue]

hey there, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. I have a friend's funeral to attend on Tuesday and am dreading the effect the 'emotion' of it all will have on my AF. But grief is like the ocean, it comes in waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm and sometimes it is overwhelming and all that we can do is learn to swim.

Time won't heal, it won't 'get better'...I believe that time will allow you to cope with your loss and in the monthd and years to come you WILL be able to think about and talk about your dad and smile when you remember.

Allow yourself that time to grieve, however long it takes and when you feel it affecting your condition, where possible try and do something relaxing to stay as calm as you can.

I'm a photographer and me and my trusty camera go to the woods and it always calms me. I am lucky in that I live right beside the forest and park. Perhaps listening to your favourite music will help.

Most importantly, give yourself the time you need. It's ok to be sad.

Look after yourself, and talk to your friends.....on here too!

take care and stay well,

Blue <3

[Hidden]

When my mum had rubbish care I wrote it all down 100000 words in all when she passed away I sent it in as a complaint not for any compensation just to tell them how badly they performed. It helped me but the anger stayed a long time. I couldn't change events so I decided to give up the fight. My dad died a year later. I think mostly you have to take a day at a time and grieve in your own way for however long it takes. Please accept my condolences and don't forget you don't have to be brave ask for help if needed or just talk or rant x

[ruskin10]

So very sorry for your loss. I`m sure all of us who have lost a dad who has been a good dad, had an ache in our chest, so don`t read too much into it. I know too, that your dad would not want you to get ill because of how you feel so just do the best you can to take care of yourself a little more that usual, talk and encourage your body to sustain you (I`m not being weird) and keep well as you go about doing all that is necessary at times like this. Get help from whoever offers, people love to do something to support when times are hard. Will be thinking of you in the coming days

Pat

[Mar1lyn]

I too would like to add my condolences at this very sad time for you. My Dad died 24 years ago at the same age I am now of a stroke and heart attack. He had been diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat but the condition was not managed as well as it is today. I still occasionally see him in my dreams, always smiling and young looking, not as he looked when he died, which is very comforting. Do take care of yourself. XM