If it is not too much to ask, I would really appreciate your words and thoughts.
I am sad, angry and frustrated with my husband's Prostate Cancer most of the time. I try to do things to take me to the calm place in my mind, but silent tears prevail.
I journal, draw, paint, make cards for the homeless, walk and write, but your words and thoughts would be appreciated. Thank You so much💜💜💜
Give your problems to God. He has a plan.
You sound just like me. I too try to 'keep myself busy' , but the dark thoughts are always there, like a black cloud hanging over my head.
I keep positive outwardly for my Husband who is also stage 4 with mets, but inwardly, I too cry in secret. Can't help it , its the way I am.
Friends and family ask, but they don't really know whats going on, and don't think they would understand either, so I bottle it up, as my Hubbie, rarely talks about it....
I too pray for Gods help..... hope he's listening.
Thanks for sharing. It is so hard on the wives as well, like you and me. My husband does not talk about it either and my friends have recently died along with my family. So, If I may call you a friend, thank you so much 💜💜💜
This is about you; bottling it up is what makes the hurt expand. If you have a good friend you can open up to do it immediately. Be prepared to cry but you need to do it If you can't do this then write, write down all your thoughts, frustrations and fears. Use a Journal book for this. Then read them, cry over them.
When done tear out those pages and burn them away from you.
Most men do not open up but can if comfortable being listened to. You can fill that roll bet you can't until you open up first. Then you must simply listen, not comment or judge
Your husband needs to do the same writing exercise.
You can read my bio and feel free to communicate if you like.
How long has your Husband been diagnosed with PC ?
My Husband will be five years this July, Mets from the start, Zytiga is now starting to fail, and I am starting to get anxious.
5 years this fall. Zytiga has stopped working
He’s on nubeqa now. Sees his oncologist next week 
May I ask where you live? I’m in Florida💜
We live in the UK, where Prostate Cancer here, (on our National Health service, wonderful that it is ) is treated differently here, They follow a script, and wont deviate from it. To be fair, my Husband has done ok so far, but they don' t seem to want to think outside the box.Especially for Stage 4 guys..
Here in the States it’s quite rare to find a MO who doesn’t follow the SOC script, almost to the letter. Malpractice lawyers are waiting like vultures. And forbid you don’t have good private or government health insurance coverage…bankrupt and/or ‘left on the curb’ until palliative care or hospice kicks in.
I know you have short staffing and long waits with NHS UK, which is a whole other stinkin’ kettle of fish.
Best of luck to you both.
Hi. My dad is 79 and in UK. Year 4 of Terminal diagnosis. Zytiga starting to fail. However i've learned that Southampton General where my father's consultant practices is offering Pluvicto (Lu 177) on NHS in a clinical trial. Trying to get my dad to discuss with doctor but he is a stubborn fellow. Might be worth asking your consultant about.
Thankyou, we live in West Yorkshire, that is quite away, i'm trying to find that trial but both in UK are down South, but will dig deeper ! Manchester or Leeds would have been great for us.
I am new to PC...my husband was diagnosed with metastatic PC in January . He is 79 and is taking Zytiga, Eligarde, and prednisone. I believe there are many options after the Zytiga stops working. We do have a son with congenital heart disease, and he has gone through many scary moments, days, weeks, and years, and is now doing well. From him amd from dealing with his illness, I have learned that the most important coping strategies for me are acceptance...of this world as it is...and living day by day, moment by moment. Who knows what will happen tomorrow or even in the next five minutes?
your words help me and I appreciate your time to help me.I’m going to make it a practice of one day at a time 💜
I have been on Nubeqa two years now and no evidence of disease, PSA <0.02
I wish I had a cookie cutter answer for this. I work full time and am involved in a lot of community stuff AND my Joe’s cancer is never far from my mind……as it is top of mind for Joe, too!
I’ve learned from here that we must take care of ourselves first AND that’s so hard to do with so many competing priorities..but I try to juggle, one day at a time.
I keep you in my prayers: asking for you to be delivered of some of the worry, and that you find peace.
Dear wife was diagnosed with Breast Cancer less than a year after I got my Stage 4, high risk, widespread metastatic diagnosis. I didn’t cry or get upset when I was diagnosed. My motto has been that though I cannot chose the ‘cards’ I’m dealt, I can definitely chose how I ‘play’ them.
But boy oh boy did I break down emotionally when she was diagnosed, initially at least. And now, after a little more than a full year of treatments, she learned today she needs to get a biopsy of her thyroid; even though she’s still struggling greatly with side effects from the cancer medication she’s supposed to take for five more years.
We hold one another up as best as we are able through it all, and on some days our ‘best’ looks different than on other ones. We look for the Joy life offers wherever we might find it, and know our love for each other never wavers, even throughout the rough patches of misunderstandings and trying to find spaces for our own self care.
It’s tougher than anyone who’s never experienced cancer can imagine. You deserve all the help you can find and are offered. Wishing you some meaningful relief with your burdens, and better days ahead.
Best of Luck,
oh golly what all you have been through and yet you’re taking time to help me, a stranger 😊 I’m going to try to find a support group
I appreciate you and thank you for your support 💜
my husband and I are in same situation. He was diagnosed in 2020 and I in 2021. Fortunately I am NED so all my energy can be focused on him. Thank you for sharing.
Someone I loved said to me a long time ago, “we all gotta go sometime.” And the days I have lived and enjoyed since hearing that are priceless. My buddy and I are slowly dying, just like we all are. Maybe try to be grateful for the gifts you have now. And perhaps the time you might have left. Buddhism has helped us. 💜
I’m very interested in Buddhism and have a couple books on the philosophy but I think I need more information
If you’re able to suggest anything more on the philosophy you can PM me or not, what ever you feel comfortable with
Thank you so much for your help 💜
Hi again🌸
We lived in a small village called Rewalsar in Nth India where I taught English comprehension to monks at one of the monasteries there. There are 5 schools there and they each follow different streams of the Buddha’s teachings. My dear buddy met a monk named Yeshe Rabgye. Yeshe explained the concepts in simple terms over the time we lived up in Tso Pema. You can find him on several search platforms. He is a good bloke. We now understand the impermanence of our lives which helps us to focus. Eckhart Tolle is also a guy who gets what this life is all about. Hoping for peace and calm for you and your loved ones. 🌸
Thought ld give you a few of my thoughts from a woman with incurable ovarian cancer, lifes tough at times l dont mind admitting it really is. But l have been on both sides on the fence my darling boy had pancreatic cancer 30 years ago lost 6 stones in weight. But he's still here so he helps me fight my battle. Most of my of my friends on here already know l have a managed brain tumour which lve had since 2007 had to have 3 major surgeries to sort that out but lm ok with that l have a proggramable valve in my head. So lifes not been easy at times but there are others worse off. And l have a good life make ofthe most of everything l will please god have my long awaited op in 2 wks. Its not easy getting anyone to operate on me because lm such a risk. But in reality lm absolutely fine with everything lm not at all brave by the way but try really hard to be positive if l can . So please god my operation goes ahead very soon. Support your husband sounds like you love him very much and that will really help him through everything. The way l deal with things is l book the holidays & buy the frocks. And you've done the right thing putting your thoughts down on paper we all have a story yo tell and its hard from both sides. I send my love & hugs to you all your love & support is so important too your husband. SheilaFxxx
I think you’re amazing Shelia 
You’re a wonderful human and I feel a little silly about my thoughts after reading your comment because of your situation. However I am touched by your response.
Will you explain what book the holidays and buy the frocks mean? I love ❤️ it but not sure what it means lol 💜 thank you for your kind words
It exactly what it says l buy myself a new frock or top whatever not expensive and book a flights for a holiday just gives me something too look forward too. Some very useful advice on this forum lm having Some fun before my expiry date runs out unfortunately we all have one. So cry if you need too my darling Dad used to tell me ld pee less but thats not true. Enjoy your time together love & hugs too you both Sheilaf xxxx
I really have thought about flying somewhere and trying to enjoy it
My husband is not able to go anywhere along with not wanting to leave
My question is do you go alone? Going somewhere alone doesn’t bother me but wondering if I should go or stay?
I have to admit, for me at least, living in Florida is like I’m in paradise every day
On Sunday morning I drive to the farmers market and walk along the lake as well as chatting with the venders. When I get back home I actually feel refreshed if that makes any sense 💜
I hope my Joe and I get to Florida next winter. We’ll be in Naples, so I’d love to find a way to meet up.
oh how I feel so bad for you and my care giver. This battle this cancer is as hard on the giver as the guest. Hang in there lady. Don’t be afraid to cry . Prayers work too. Most of all bless you for being there for your warrior.🙏🙏🙏
Dear Larry
I’m touched by your words
And thanks for being my inspiration
Now when I cry I’m going to be okay with it lol
Thanks so much 💜
Hi I have prostate bone cancer and have just started on Zytiga. For five years my wife and I attend all specialist, doctors and treatment together. We have been through the radiation and hormone treatment stages. Who knows how long we have together but we treasure every minute. We even go to the gym together. I am 75 and a retired teacher so I decided to go back teaching as a relief/supply teacher, and it was the best thing I ever did. It keeps me fit and give us something else to discuss. I may live 2 months or twenty years but we share the moment every day.
I believe there is another two levels of treatment above Zytiga. So hang in there!
wow I am so impressed you go to the gym together exercise allows oxygen to flow through your body and brain and as you know cancer chokes on oxygen
Oops sorry the nutritionist in me just escaped lol
Perhaps I might consider teaching a class on nutrition. It would get me out and also the money would help
. I’m glad you told me that you’re teaching again. Such a wisechoice
Thank you for your kind words 💜
Can you find a support group to join? I know there’s one on Facebook, but I wonder about the lack of anonymity. My GP says that cancer is harder in the caregiver than the patient. Maybe he’s right. We’re 10 years in this marathon (with extensive bone Mets) and I’m experiencing caregiver burnout. I’m so much less patient and easily irritated. That’s been tough on DH, and has him questioning if I’d be better off without him. I’ve always been the optimist and him the pessimist. I need him to be more positive now, but it’s not working out that way. I’m looking for a counselor since here are no support groups close. Mostly, know that you’re not alone.
consider this spouse and caregiver group. healthunlocked.com/prostate...
Dear yank66
Your honesty made me realize I’m not alone with similar feelings and thoughts. I’m trained in psychology and counseling but it doesn’t help me. I had thought about starting a cancer support group at my house but my husband said no and I can understand that
I live in Florida. May I ask where you live?
Thanks for sharing 💜
You are definitely not alone. We live in Virginia. I checked out the HU caregiver section, but I need more contact and interaction than that.
me too. The caregiver site is not enough for me
Virginia is a beautiful state. I used to go to Falls church many years ago when I eas a clothing buyer. May I ask where in Virginia you live?💜
We live at Lake Anna , between Fredericksburg and Charlottesville. If you haven’t been to Falls Church in a while, you’d never recognize it! Where are you in Florida?
I never want to sound flip but my faith is such that sometimes I do without meaning too. Especially in this case I hope that I do not. I can’t tell you how to master this attack on your phyche. You know and I know that it is real. I suspect most of us have always known cancer at a distance with always the thought it would soon be cured.
Until hitting home it was never realized as so many variations. Science is moving at phenomenal pace in these times so I urge you to hold to hope but also keep hope in something or someone greater.
My neighbor has just informed me that her cancer has returned and her husband left, The words I offer I’m sure are only a comfort to me for saying something but likely not so much to her. Another is spending her last days as I type this saying goodbye to her loving husband who’s shined so in her heart that she had to let me know how wonderful a father he’s been. My sister is running the gambit on labs for ovarian cancer just this week.
It can seem overwhelming until you realize just the mention tends to stir all affected to be closer and cherish every next moment. I’m fortunate even with such heaping sin over my head to have and had friends, family and other loved ones and for me a peace with asking my God that those same friends and family and loved ones stay in his will. Some do not have this, they have their own belief while others have nothing afterwards.
Whatever is your case my sister, you have him now and even through the suffering enjoy the moments as best you can. Sometimes just taking some moments for yourself to refresh gives strength which can bring joy.
Please know it is my belief that we each here hold one another dear indeed., you included.
I have found doing just what you are, talking is the best remedy. Hopefully with a compassionate friend or loved one. Bottling up ones thoughts for me is a path to try and avoid. 🙏
It helps to give, just what you're doing here. Dockam does, T_A does, so many here do. I admin a FB support group for wives and partners of PCa patients. It helps me to share what I've learned. You're doing the same. Trite as it may sound, we are all truly just walking each other home. It eases the sadness to help someone else make the steps as we go.
You're the caregiver, I'm the person with cancer. If I knew you, I'd say DO NOT PITY OR GRIEVE FOR ME. It would make me feel gross. No one has a right or reason to expect infinite life (but what is that anyway, the opportunity to live long enough to gurgle and die in bed? Fall out of a chair onto the floor? Spit up blood and pass out in it?).
Death isn't real dignified however you go. So LIVE for yourself and for him. You want to cry? Fine but what's it going to change? Just making yourself feel better? That's also kind of gross. Today is what you have. Enjoy the life you have. Jettison the fear and the pity, they are the real enemies.
Good Sunday SteveThej Your response to me was so wonderful and said in a profound way that got my attention. Thanks so much for helping me💜
Sure. I thought maybe it was too harsh but I wasn't trying to be that. I definitely empathize with you in that I've seen two men (not close to me) die from prostate cancer and I have other ones having a difficult time with their treatment. As the man said "the waiting is the hardest part".
And who can give advice for this? Simply speaking up and asking for support probably helps the most. From the beginning I've looked ahead not behind and sought information which I think will eliminate the fear; however, my cancer has not challenged me very much so far. Side effects from the treatment suck every day but are not debilitating. Reading other men's stories here proves that I'm doing pretty well all in all.
I was surprised when, 3 years ago and I started talking about my cancer, how many other people I know have cancer too. Happily some of them survived breast cancer; I also know a woman who survived ovarian cancer. Just knowing there are others is a big lift to my spirits.
One of the reasons I was initially reluctant to talk about cancer outside my immediately family and friends is the fact I do not want pity and barely want sympathy.
Best wishes, everyone here understands and can help when you need it.
...if it helps 'its Science.' We affect our health via the burden of our emotions. And its so pat to say this; obvious to all. But as human beings its darn hard not to beat ourselves up. I have wafted from depression to elation and back without any idea why or how it was done. Try to stay positive although its very hard to do sometimes. My wife has pre-Leukemia (MDS Bone Marrow abnormality) and she goes day by day not knowing when her condition will go chronic and give her months-years to live...I have PCa that is now under control but who knows when or if it will start back up. What the heck do you do?
Darn hard to stay positive...yet if we dont we waste time that cannot be replaced and by all these studies, take MORE of the same off the limited amount we have left! So, hope this helps. Share your burden with us whenever you can, want nor need...this is not easy, but somehow I believe there is a reason for everything and a answer to our questions if we are open to look. Rick
My husband has aggressive ductal prostate cancer and it seems to be on the move. The MO has started him back on Lupron and has added Zytiga.
I feel much the same way you do. What helps both of us is spending time with our daughters and grandchildren. Fortunately, they live close by and we see them a lot. The little ones don't give us anytime to dwell on things and that's good.
It's easy to go to that dark place and worry about the future. I think, for me, I need to stop spending so much time reading about prostate cancer. It doesn't help much really. The doctor at Mayo directs my husband's care. We don't deviate from what he recommends so I have to wonder why I am constantly researching and reading.
I think we all are going through something similar and perhaps just need to back off a little and enjoy life. And pray.
I also love the Quality of Life posts.
Hugs,
Kay
You are right, why do we keep reading. about Pc? for me, I need to keep up with information because i am a practicing Nutritionist. but i am rethinking my profession because it is too much stress for me...........
I have 4 grandchildren that live far away but I think I need to go see them because as you said, it helps keep your mind off things. You are so sweet and kind to help me and I thank you so much.💜
Send me a message anytime. Family is so important, especially as we age. Is it possible to make a move to where the kids live?
Thank you I will write when i can💜
I agree with others, praying and reading the Bible helps a lot.
Thanks for💜 helping me...
It is beyond hard to deal with something that kills and otherwise devastates the lives of the man with the disease, but also for the effects it has on their loved ones. It literally bothers (not a strong enough word) my wife more than it does me. Something that seems random, which has no cure, and often (and most often to those with advanced aggressive PCa) kills your beloved, is a bitter pill.
I hope you can find some measure of peace as this progresses with your husband and you. That is an individual thing for every person. Easy to wish and impossible to make happen. My wife and I have grieved for our dog (we have no children) for the last 20 years. The only thing that has made it better is the time elapsed since then. My wife cries every night about him. We just had a very close friend lose her best friend without any warning. We can only hope that she can find some measure of peace.
Many here won't understand how we might even compare the loss of a dog to the loss of a human life but it is real to us. We gained much peace watching him grow from a pup to an adult dog and giving and receiving love to and from him. He had a good life and we did everything we could to make it as happy and good as we could. You are doing the same for your husband.
Peace to you both.....
Dear maggiedrum,
I can't thank you enough for your words..............WE too have been grieving over the loss of our two dogs..... They were our life........ I cant watch Cesar Millan anymore ( the dog whisperer) without crying so i dont . For us the loss of our dogs was real. WE raised them from pups that were abused. four men in our neighborhood have lost their wives to cancer and we chat a bit if I see them when I walk alone........ Sorry I am getting off the subject. SInce I live in //florida I can be out among nature daily and that does help ( a little) But your words as well as the others have helped me immensely. Peace to both of you too💜
It is so hard for those closest to us to go through this journey with us. There is a feeling of helplessness and lack of control. Many times, there is also shock because there is often no warning before the diagnosis.
You have a right to be angry and sad! It's terribly unfair. I always think of our partners and caregivers as our angels. Meditation and all that you are doing may help but the situation is still scary.
I don't know your specific situation but doing research on reputable websites, like those of major cancer centers and the NIH can give you enough information, as well as from here to better understand options. Being his advocate I appointments is very helpful and gives you an important role to play in his treatment and general health.
No question that this disease is awful but it's worse when you feel powerless. The other piece that I had to accept, along with my wife, is we are not in control. We can make decisions about lifestyle and treatments but the disease does continue to change over time and require new approaches. Depending on each of our conditions, we may or may not survive it....but there can be many good years.
Cherish the time you have and see if there isn't a new paradym for your life together, a new direction that you can really enjoy together.
Your feelings will not change without acceptance of this new reality, and perhaps having more involvement in his healthcare decisions.
I hope that you, your husband and family find a way to enjoy the time you have together.
Keep us posted on how you and your husband are doing. We do care!
What a great reply and advice. I agree about most of the things you suggested to me. Since I am a nutritional practitioner, I am aware of many of the oncologist and other practitioners medical usage. I think that too effects me. So I am thinking of changing how I think and like you said try to accept it. I appreciate the time you gave me for this,,,,,,,,,,,,,💜💜
My wife and I did a plant medicine journey, it changed everything. Got rid of most of the fear and anxiety for her and made me see that there is more and she and I will be joined no matter what. I know that sounds crazy but it was amazing. There are clinics doing them everywhere now. Highly recommended for calming the craziness of all of this.
What’s a “plant medicine journey?”
As a nutritionist I eat plant based diet but am not familiar with plant based medicine.
If I can find the answer I will post it. If you find the answer will you tell me too? Thank You💜
Your husband is lucky to have someone like you that cares so much. For me personally I think that, mentally and emotionally, cancer is harder for my girlfriend and family than it is for me. Sharing each day is it's own reward, we have little control over what the future brings. I hope my close ones are aware of that.I lived in Falls Church and Alexandria for 6 decades, it has changed so much!I moved to NC to be closer to my grandkids.
All the best to you and your husband.
Wow how lucky to be ear your grandchildren, I used to go to Falls Church many years ago when I was a clothing buyer. Before I married. I understand it has changed an not for the better. Is that true?
More people, high incomes, good schools, very high home prices. When I was a kid there was a mix of blue collar and white collar. Not any more. I loved Od Town, but being mostly retired I was looking for a change. Traffic is terrible in the greater area, high property tax. I bought a fixer-upper in NC, 5 minutes from the grandkids, I have no complaints!
I focus on loving life and celebrating the time I have, and I really encourage you to do the same with your loved one(s). Sure, there are moments to reflect and maybe be a little sad, but don't let it win. Sorrow sucks. Please don't ruin your life with fear and pain. Quite the opposite... use it to motivate your life now! We all have limited time.
your thoughts are valid and I agree with them
I have been thinking a little about going somewhere alone since my husband isn’t able and just thinking about that is helping me with my issues
Thanks 💜
i like you (and since you picked him out, i probably like your husband also).
I read your stuff but don’t normally comment.
I think you lift many hearts in this place. Maybe you don’t realize it.
thanks. No I don’t think I raise many hearts but bi try and that in itself raises my heart 💜💜
This is the time that EMPATHY is needed. I know how you feel because I suffer with you.
I extend my compassion to you particiating in your hard situation.
My prayer goes your way.
I notice that you said you are interested in buddhism. Yes. Buddhist teachings can enlighten your understanding of life which according to buddha is constantly changing. Nothing is permanent so life comes and goes. Health and illness are always there to trouble us. Your mind has to go beyond the visible. Buddhism works to invoke your inner power to grasp the comprehension of life. You have to do it yourself from within by yourself. But christ teaches us to do the same yet with the help from God from beyond us. Life is in the hand of God not men. Prayer to God will give you more sstrength both from within and without. You can work alone or you can receive power from two fronts. Both is good. I hope you find strength to overcome your anxiety. I teach buddhism but I also teach christian theology. I hope you seek strength from God rather than depending on the men's teachings.
Indeed, nothing is permanent but god's steadfast love lasts forever
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Words, Abbreviations & Acronyms
Preparation Thoughts if PSA Rises
Self-Catheterization - Any Thoughts?
