My beautiful brave, kind, husband and... - Advanced Prostate...

Advanced Prostate Cancer

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My beautiful brave, kind, husband and partner is free from prostate cancer.

Bluebird11 profile image

I want to thank all of you for being always there for me and my husband. I always had a home I could come to when I had to make a decision. We come together with far more gifts than information. It’s as if we are a collective of people facing something we wished we didn’t have to, yet reaching into far more than information - what words can we use to communicate who we were to each other at any given time.

It’s taken me 6 months to write. My husband was diagnosed in May 2007 with stage 4 metastatic PCa cancer. We found it because of pain in his rib. He lived 14 years. 12 of those years were beyond productive and active. He wrote his last paper 3 weeks before taking his last breath.

He never complained until the pain became ‘the’ main problem. He had a zest for life. He didn’t want to leave though the pain helped him to know he couldn’t stay. We were unconventional travelers on this unwanted journey. We chose to blend conventional with what is called alternative.

I have no answers for what kept him alive for 14 years. All I have is gratitude since no one knows who is responsive to protocols.

I never expected the depth of grief along with the intersecting gratitude and their relationship to each other. My life is changed forever. I was gifted with a love affair that actually grew stronger and closer. I do believe going through this together gave us the greatest gift of knowing love.

At 55 I prayed he’d respond and live a year. I never dreamed of 14. So we never know. It’s the challenge and the teacher of not knowing and being in the moment, one foot in front of the other.

This experience has broken my heart open to great compassion and ongoing love. I wish I had a fairy dust to sprinkle our difficulties away. That’s the child part. The wiser part has come away able to exchange information and yet know nothing. We each walk our path.

Thank you for what you’ve all really given to us which really added up to caring. May you find ease and peace and the strongest of health. And may we as a collective humanity somehow stop this epidemic.

I’m not leaving the group. I began with the advanced PCa group probably 14 years ago. My tribute to the brave men like John Arnold and the many more who shared so much of their journey, and those who contribute so much here. With so much love, we both thank you. Jim and I will always be together, no matter what. Our love and devotion was not killed or deadend by nasty PCa. We beat it

Love beat it!!


74 Replies

May the brave and kind soul be on its eternal journey and find liberation. Bluebird, your dedication, resilience and compassion is extra ordinary and admirable. Some day, each one of us will have to leave our body......wives like you prove that love can conquer very difficult times and circumstances.. and that is beautiful.

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to LearnAll

Thank you as I remember your help when I was struggling. May your words of his eternal journey BE!!

Lulu700 profile image
Lulu700 in reply to LearnAll


I am sorry for your loss. Thank you for detailing what happens at the end so others can be prepared.

Even though I have had 20 years now to get used to the pain and suffering lurking around the corner for my husband...well let's just say I try to suppress it.

Sounds like you two had a great time together.

There may not be pain and suffering for your husband. My cousins husband died from PCa with no pain. I will say no amount of time feels like enough. One of us will witness the other leaving. I use words but really have none.

Thank you for that beautiful message. Our hearts are with you.

What a beautifully moving tribute you've written to your husband, as well as the group here. At the same time your words pay honor to you and give us hope.

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to Lyubov

Thank you! If my words bring hope, I’ll say yes to that. He was gifted with a buoyant personality. He was being himself. An example would be, he’d go to bed thinking about that cup of perfect coffee he was going to enjoy the next morning. I certainly didn’t get ‘that gene’. 😀 grief and gratitude go hand’n hand like the symbol of DNA intertwining. As the grief runs deep, the gratitude surfaces. I someday want to write about that since ‘gratitude in the small ways and the ‘moment’ ways seem to be a universal key to this crazy life we find ourselves in.

Lyubov profile image
Lyubov in reply to Bluebird11

Definitely write an article, book even. You have deep insights & your prose is poetic. What a legacy to your beloved man & you & the life you shared to share with so many others. I've been short on hope, lately, but your posting has lifted me today. Thank you.

Lulu700 profile image
Lulu700 in reply to Bluebird11


I to will think about that special cup of coffee the next morning, and I’m so grateful for your special words about your husband and his challenges. May he now rest in peace and may you continue to give us good encouragement. Your words are very special.

Darryl profile image


What beautiful words! I'm afraid the pain of such loss never goes away - it becomes part of who you are - but so does all the wonderful time you spent together . He was lucky to have you by his side.

What you pick up on, what you say about the pain of the loss never going away is your gift to me. To have someone understand lifts some of the loneliness and this strange phenomenon we experience as human beings. To experience so many of our senses at one time, from grief to gratitude, all that it takes to be without a companion within all the best, within all the demands of a relationship. I am changed forever- It doesn't have to have a label- maybe it's what this is all about in some way! I am more deeply compassionate at the same time detached, and given a gift by my husband of somehow a transmission of 'letting go' of the baggage we carry. From our experience, the insurmountable gift of relationship whether personal, nature, friends the world- the unspoken value of all of us. Thank you!

All I can say is I am so very sorry to read this, as always. To read of another passing of a loved one from this terrible disease is truly heart breaking.God bless you and as T A said, he was truly lucky to have you by his side .

Lulu700 profile image
Lulu700 in reply to 16starsky


Kaliber profile image
Kaliber in reply to 16starsky


Rest In Peace Jim! …Bluebird , you’re a blessing to us all. I was 53 now 60. 14 years give so many of us hope ! Love is eternal ! Our hearts break ,but also rejoice for your triumphant love story . I’m humbled .😔🙏❤️

Kaliber profile image
Kaliber in reply to Lulu700


Thank you. You and your wife have a special place in ‘our’ life as he may not be here physically though through the thin veil he and I will be eternal lovers. We all continue to be there for each other in the many ways we connect. This is for me the gift that can’t taken away.

Such beautiful words of love and grief bluebird. I'm so sorry that Jim had to leave the earth too soon but I'm so happy that you both had such a great love that will endure through time❤ Most sincere,


Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to erjlg3

Jackie, you have also been here a long time, rooting for all of us. You've always found the most beautiful way to communicate. Thank you for your compassion and kindness...

Much love to you and your husband....


erjlg3 profile image
erjlg3 in reply to Bluebird11

Thank you so much Bluebird. 18 years on this go round. Lg is very blessed to have undetectable psa.

My love to you bluebird❤

Lovely words, lovely story. You may not know it Bluebird, but you were a big part of the equation why Jim lived those 14 years. Keep your good spirit, it will guide you through this journey we call Life. As you wrote, Jim is Cancer Free. That alone can set you on a path of comfort. All our best to you, and yours,

Mike & Barbara

Thanks Mike and Barbara, yes, he is free! We were a team, we still are and will always be !

My sincere condolences.

You have given all of us strength in our own journeys through your words of wisdom, support and genuine concern. Thank you.

Stay strong in Jim's memory and in your life journey. Take care care and stay safe.


Dear Bluebird , I am so very sorry for the huge loss you must feel and I cannot begin to feel your grief . My husband is 56 and has just started his journey with this awful disease , and you and Jim give us hope that we still have time together so I cannot thank you enough for that . You are in my thoughts and prayers sending so much love your way

Carol x

What a beautiful post. It’s a tribute to the love of your life and your own compassion and strength. Thank you.


What a lovely tribute to your Jim. So sad that you lost him, but glad that you shared the last 14 years of love and devotion. Thanks for sharing and take care.

Gods speed to you and yours, he is resting in the man's arms...

I too am very sorry to read about your loss. Jim's love is always going to be with you and yours with him. 🙏

I am sorry for your loss and also grateful to you for this lovely post. When my turn comes to leave this earth, I sure hope my partner feels the same as you ... that we shared a wonderful life together that was full of adventure and a love that grew stronger as we dealt with this disease together. I'm glad you are staying here. I wish you the best.

If you feel inclined at some point, I and others might find it useful to know the conventional and alternative methods he used. I'm sorry for your loss, and suspect a similar outcome awaits us all unless medical science comes up with something dramatically better than it has now.

My words always come up short ❤️❤️❤️🙏🙏

I’m so deeply saddened for your loss!!! I wish I could do or say something to ease your pain!!! I know there will come a time I will be posting something very similar to yours. Such a difficult journey. It sure does make you stop and smell the roses a bit longer. My deepest condolences to you and your family!!! 💙💙

Condolences Bluebird11

Thank you for your inspiring message. May God bless you both.

God will bless you for your love and faithfulness, Bluebird11.

My deepest condolences to you. Whilst we all know that we all have to leave this life at some point none of us know how long we have. The 14 years reflects not only how well your husband responded to the treatments but also the love and devotion you provided and the prayers he received. Take care of yourself and cherish the happy memories - they will help you to move forward in this life.

Thank you for this message of grace. You touch my heart as we are on a similar journey. I am so sorry for your loss. Sending prayers for comfort and peace.


My sincere condolences on the loss of your beloved husband. It is never easy. We learn to live with a loss, we never "get over it". Six months--I understand. It takes an average of remembering the one we lost 100,000 times before the rawness of it begins to subside. The pain of such a loss can be palpable yet there is no drug to ease it. Life gives us a contract when people love one another. In the end, to experience the joy there is also sorrow. It isn't the best of "deals" by far but I wouldn't change any of the "contracts" I've had even though when they expired --the bill that comes due is grief and pain.

I see, within the words of your post, the newly found strength you now have.

Thank you for posting.


Thank you for what you offer us. By word and by example. We stand with you and Jim. And honor your love.

What a beautiful message and what a gift to have 14 years.

Bluebird you are an inspiration to all the wives who have endured this journey alongside their husbands. I am new to this forum but I understand how many have been through this ordeal with you.I was diagnosed with PC 22 years ago and had a RP then. I was blessed with 20 years when my PC was under control but I now have a PSA of 77 and rising.My wonderful wife Anita has been a tremendous loving support throughout.Jim has been blessed to have had you in his wife.

Anita and I wish peace for you and your family at this difficult time.

So very sorry for your loss Bluebird. Your faith and courage will stand you in good stead and your memories of the good times will ease the loss.

Wonderful words to describe your love and journey. Hopefully with Luck and the rapid advances in CRISPR men in their 30 and 40s won't have to face this demon.

You have ben through so much and have such a great way of expressing how your relationship grew and the end was a mix of love, joy and pain. I think you are truly blessed in that you had and continue to have a very healthy philosophy about living life and the transition of dying.

You are a wonderful inspiration to me. Thank you. I hope you can find joy and love in your new life! All the best to you and your family.

You are such a beautiful soul bluebird, Jim was so fortunate. I think that probably for most of us M1’ers , it’s our fondest hope to have someone like you at our side. It is for me for sure. I wish all the best for you as you move forward towards your new horizon. You’re the best


16starsky profile image
16starsky in reply to Kaliber


That was beautiful...

What a lovely tribute to your husband and this blog! Thank you for sharing this beautifully written post. Wishing you peace and happiness in your life.I’m going to copy this and keep it as my husband and I continue on this pc journey together.


Thank you for sharing your journey.

I am just so sorry. That it has come to this. I wish I had a bag of fairy dust to give you.

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to monte1111

your wish came... the fairy dust arrived... it's not always what we want, though we do get through... to where?? I'd love to know...


Your attitude of gratitude is beautiful! We always have to be happy for the blessings we get along our journey. Knowing all along the journey will have an end eventually. I wish you peace and joy in your life with the beautiful memories of your husband and the time you’ve spent together.gJohn

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to greatjohn

Thank You...

Such a beautiful post. My heart is with you. 💜

Great tribute from an awesome wife like you. Sorry that he left earlier than you. My heartfelt condolences. I have just lost my wife two months ago...These words have helped me to manage my grief.....” Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day, unseen, unheard but always near, still loved, still missed and very dear “.God bless you.

I am sorry about your wife... SO you know!!! It's something that isn't talked much about. I do hear and feel for those who lose children.. People do understand that, though the companion is what creates change on every level. I actually wasn't prepared to feel what I feel, this is why I speak of the gifts, the closeness and the healing of two individuals who realized something most yearn for our worth through truly being loved. Sure, we did all the things couples do- though nothing can compare with devotion, care and love.

I hope you have family and friends who are helping you. Or, at least understand. If you ever need to talk to someone, message me. Be assured they are here with us. I received the best gift at 3:30am, the morning of his recent birthday. No coincidence. Much Love...Bluebird..

hugs for you Bluebird11 ... i appreciate the inspiration that you shared ... Nous :)

Bluebird, Thank you for sharing your story of care and devotion. Sending you love and peace.

To Ms. Bluebird11, without a doubt one of the nicest, kindest human beings on Earth. I know that your dear Husband and you will continue your romance forever. God Bless you both.

j-o-h-n Sunday 10/10/2021 8:20 PM DST

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to j-o-h-n

Yes j-o-h-n,


In time peace and smiles at the good memories....i can only hope for jjms courage.....b.w.

I too wish for what you yearn for. It could be courage, though trust who you are and that you are being guided in your own way. My own personal intention is to be as real and authentic as I can be.. and LOVE.. to be that....

Trust yourself... it's not an easy road... what I am on isn't an easy road... I am choosing to do one thing at a time- for instance, I must move. We have 40 years of accumulation, actually more than that. My mission is to stay focused on that and when I lose that focus which is often, I come back to it.. what helped Jim was he got involved with projects that he loved. He threw himself into them. And, yes, he was brave but so are all of us. Just to come into this world takes bravery. May you receive the BEST of the BEST ... within your own self....

Through teary eyes ....ty...

tears do open the heart...

God bless.

My peers on the site have said it better than I ever could. May you have wonderful memories and peace and joy today and every day.

What a very nice person you are !

Touching. You had a good run after his diagnosis, he's in good hands now. I hope to duplicate his success.

Beautiful words. He was a lucky man to have you.... ❤️ God bless you as you continue on your path, you KNOW love..

I can say my journey with John was 18 years and did follow your path in so many ways. sweet/bitter times that made us grow and understand. Johns brought me strength and ability to go forward.. That’s what all these men have done.. John was a pioneer for research and never gave up hope. He will forever be my hero…He passed away peacefully at home with me.. September 2, 2021

I am forever grateful… and we both at peace..

Bluebird11 profile image
Bluebird11 in reply to Buzy1

I wish you continued peace. A lifetime within your 18 years and my 14 years- If you feel you would like to talk, message me. As Paul Harvey would say, 'and now for the rest of the story'!

I hope you can rest and have support. I can say from what I am experiencing now- the exhaustion and emotions need their space to heal.

John, your hero will be remembered.

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