Why I Shut Up About My Cancer

[Cisco99]

My boy Jon is 30, and he has struggled with serious depression his whole life.

As a teenager he had suicidal impulses, which he pondered deeply,

picking out rooftops to fall from.

It was especially hard after his sister took her life, and he became everything to us,

Still hearing the voices, still feeling the urges.

But he promised he would not break our hearts that way,

not our only remaining child.

So he goes through the days still feeling the call, shaking it off, putting up with his life

As an act of love to us, as a gift of suffering.

If he could endure his pain for me, I decided,

What can’t I do for him?

...........................................

Signed, Snowflake

[Lyubov]

How very moving!

[Hidden]

I hope you do have someone you can talk with about your cancer. It's hard enough to go through this even with support. I can say for myself, being able to share what's really going on inside is important.

[Tmetz]

I am so sorry

[erjlg3]

The pain you must feel

I hope you talk here. So many will listen....

[whatsinaname in reply to erjlg3]

I will listen, for sure.

Thanks, Cisco99.

Cheers !!

[lincolnj8]

Many will listen here. Sending prayers to you for guidance. It may sound dumb, but a bowl of ice cream for me really helps. Kind of a crutch. We all need a small crutch

[Cisco99 in reply to lincolnj8]

I love that! But I'm diabetic. And I don't know when to stop!

[whatsinaname in reply to Cisco99]

I am diabetic too, but so what ??

[Cisco99 in reply to whatsinaname]

I don't want to get started. But I liked the suggestion.

[MyKis in reply to whatsinaname]

Hi There, I was dxed wth Pca in ‘15 , stg 3, gls 9/10, progressed to stg 4 with mets to bones, on Zoladex, Zytiga and prednisone since ‘18, psa undetectable, but what I like to tell u is that Im type2 diabetic for past 10yrs until 6wks ago, went on keto diet, went from 182 to 163lbs in that short time, reversed every single indicator of my diabetes to normal and feel like a million bucks. You shud try it, chk out the talks by Prof Tim Noakes and Dr Paul Mason on YouTube, dont delay !

[lincolnj8 in reply to Cisco99]

I understand. I'm a mild diabetic and it's hard to stop on the ice cream..

[JDKotter]

Touching. Bless you!

You know, I’ve found that when friends, some close some not, ask about how I’m doing? I’ve learned to just say, I’m fine. Most people greet you with that phrase as a way to say hello, “How are you”? Many don’t really want to know bad someone is suffering or feeling. I think it makes them uncomfortable. I’m not lying when I say I’m fine. Because, I know it’s a relative term. My brothers here on this forum how what I’m talking about. I think our loved ones, those who are closest to us, get fatigue in hearing how much we might express our pain.... So thank you for posting this. Bless your son.

[Garbonzeaux in reply to JDKotter]

I attended a funeral yesterday for a relative, about my age, who died of pancreatic cancer, and got to see lots of relatives who I don't see often. Many asked how I'm doing, and did so with genuine love and concern, knowing something of my situation. My answer was typically "just fine, thanks," but I was willing to provide more detail to follow-up questions. I always left them with "every day is a blessing," and loving relatives make it much more so.

The mutual love between Cisco and his son is a blessing, and I'm sure C realizes that this group can be his sounding board.

[Cisco99 in reply to Garbonzeaux]

I say "I'm doing well. Every day I still get to be me. And it's great being here with you today."

Well, not all the time. But when it seems right.

[Cisco99 in reply to Garbonzeaux]

I do. I do Garbonzeauz

[carbide in reply to JDKotter]

You reply is what I expected when the title "Why I shut up about my cancer" caught my eye.

What can anyone say other than, Sorry to hear that.

[Bebby1]

A beautiful father

Sadness for you being on edge all the time

Life can be so unfair

Sending you prayers

What a wonderful man 🙏🏽💞

[beatPC]

Kudos to you. Every display of strength, anything to make your life brighter. I send best wishes to you and your family.

[depotdoug]

Yeh, I sure hope you have someone to talk to also. I’m struggling with trying to balance 1. Weight loss2. Exercising for that . 3. A Son Jeremy age 35 that has extreme Bipolar disorder, paranoia, schizophrenia, suicidal tendencies and has bff REN is now in a large INDIANA state institution. For 3.5 years, his 5th time there. Tough L O V E!!

Do I think about all of these things a lot?? Yeh. Throw in SCA May 12,2011 I’m now on my 2md ICD/pacemaker device. Think about my metastatic Stage 4 Cancer with these mental anxieties. Ok try not to. Doug

[Cisco99 in reply to depotdoug]

I run from people who say "God doesn't throw anything at you you can't handle." In truth, life can be a total bitch for lots of folks, grinding them into the dirt. I am sorry for all your suffering Doug. Power to you!

[VHRguy in reply to Cisco99]

I've thought about that one a lot. My response when I hear it is that I don't agree with that, especially since it is a wrong interpretation of a verse taken out of context. In fact God gives us far more than we can handle, frequently. It keeps us humble, and reliant upon God for peace, wisdom, comfort. If we think WE can "handle it", we're set up for deep pain, because we often simply can not handle it.

(For what it's worth, that statement actually comes from the Bible, but it's not meant that way. It refers specifically to temptation, not the trials of life. Yet another grossly misapplied verse ripped out of context.)

[Cisco99 in reply to VHRguy]

Cuz it appears nowhere in the bible. It's one of those cliches that got grandfathered in. In any event, my daughter had more thrown at her than she could handle. 25 years of anguish.

[Hidden in reply to Cisco99]

God gave me a lot more than I could handle and I was only a kid. My mother died at age 39 and my father at age 49. Throw in a wretched stepmother. I felt like Job. Many years later, in Gestalt therapy, I got to deal with my anger at God. God in one chair, me in the other, therapist my witness. I cursed Him out and beat Him up. It was OK, He was very much big enough to take it. Blasphemy? No, just a burden off my chest. I got to switch chairs too. I hope your son finds the healing he needs.

[Cisco99 in reply to Hidden]

I lost God after my daughter took herself out. I was in an Evangelical church, hands-on, loving. But when Daniele died they all recoiled. No one ever experienced such a thing, and maybe a dozen thought it meant she was damned -- tossing away the gift of life. Jerks.

A year later I was in a session where I enounced THAT God, the one we think will save us, like Superman, and replaced Him with a tender version -- one who doesn't save us. But stays with us when we tumble into the flames.

I compare my God to the stars Jim and Huck look up at as they raft into the slave-trading south. Those stars are not gonna save my daughter or cure my cancer -- but They are with me, even unto the end of the world.

[Cisco99 in reply to Cisco99]

I guess I was in a Gestalt event, kinda like you, WSWOPeddie. It didn't end my grief. But I cut bait on the God that doesn't rescue.

[Hidden in reply to Cisco99]

Well that Gestalt stuff is about putting closure on unfinished business, at least that's the theory. I'm not a church goer either. Prayers for my father weren't answered but maybe I was praying for the wrong thing? He died as a result of a missed medical diagnosis (celiac disease). Sorry to hear about your daughter. That's a terrible thing to deal with.

[depotdoug in reply to Hidden]

I've neve heard of Gestalt therapy could you explain in layman's terms?

[Hidden in reply to depotdoug]

It's a method of psychotherapy. I saw an ad for a local 'drop in' group where I could participate in a casual group setting to get familiar with it and maybe work on an issue or two. I took a liking to one of the psychologists and pursued individual counseling with him. Group counseling is something I also did. I knew nothing about Gestalt therapy going in but I found it helpful.

Here's something I found on YouTube.

youtube.com/watch?v=GBl14hI...(Not working as expected?)

[Wings-of-Eagles in reply to Cisco99]

Really sorry to hear about your post ,especially the one I am replying too. I am one of "those people". All I can say is, respectfully, it's just the opposite for me, My Faith has made me stronger and more appreciative. Trull sorry for your suffering, and your loss Remember we are all in this together, all suffering , all experiencing this journey in unique ways. More power to YOU Cisco99.

P.S ...as in San Francisco? and the 99 is for ??

[erjlg3 in reply to depotdoug]

[depotdoug]

Maybe I should talk more about our troubled son to counsellors that understand Cancer, me.....

[Cisco99 in reply to depotdoug]

The law is strange, especially in Indiana. (Wife's from there.) Courts know that people who are sick need treatment, not punishment. But it seldom works out that way. Hardly anyone in prison is mentally OK -- secure, sensible, getting the meds they need to get by..

I have been encouraging my son, 31, who has some of these problems, to go live in a place like Thailand or Sri Lanka that don't have the sick competitiveness that turns our kids here into losers before they get out of the gate.

[depotdoug in reply to Cisco99]

Well you hit right home with me. We my wife and I adopted our son @10 days old from Colombo Sri Lanka June 1984. Yeh Sri Lanka we both made 3 trips there from my workplace living in Saudi Arabia. Found our sin to be at birth with the help of a Sri Lankan family friends.

The rest is history. Childhood back home in NE INDIANA. ADDH, bi-polar. Mentally unstable. Paranoia schizophrenia and other mental issues. Yes he is on Dr prescribed meds where he is and has been the last 3.5yrs. Richmond St Hospital. The places mental/juvenile facilities where he was in and out of his teensge life and young adult life just didn’t want to monitor him or watch him. When he was released from Behavioral care facilities he fell back on his own mental plagued life actions. Not taking his necessary meds. Hard to believe I just talked to him last Sat eve !

[Cisco99 in reply to depotdoug]

Oh, man. You do this GREAT thing and it turns to shit in your hands. That is so tough.

Adopted kids from other countries sometimes -- often? -- can't cope with their new homeland. They don't know who or what they are -- and often they act out.

Weirdly, my son had his ONLY real breakthrough from 25 years of depression during a 6-week stay in Kandi in Sri Lanka, where he worked as a helper in a private shelter for injured dogs and cats. When he returned home he was strong and confident. He knew who he was. Then he slipped back into bad habits -- round-the-clock gaming -- and lived this furtive, frightened life.

It's nothing compared to what you are living through. But -- what we would do to free our sons from their chains.

[depotdoug in reply to Cisco99]

Yes we do. Never ever thought Jeremy (middle name Gihan) Sri Lankan for much luck would be the way he is. His biological grandfather was an avid alcoholic and Our sons Biological mother was still living, at nineteen with her other 8 brothers and sister’s in Colombo. Sad unknown biological family we had no idea of what was going to be wrong with our son. My wife and I did take a trip to Kandy up in the beautiful lush Tea plantation mountain hillsides in Sri Lanka. I even remember some of the cleanest smelling fresh air ever while we were in Kandy for 2days. Beautiful country poor very poor country. Even witnessed a terrorist bombing of The Lanka Oberi hotel a few blocks south of where our hotel was.

[Cisco99 in reply to depotdoug]

Geez, that is a sad tale. I'm so sorry for your struggles, being sick plus your son having problems others don't sympathy. "He's a bad one." My daughter went through a pariah phase, but she had a tough kernel inside her that said, "Screw other people, I'm Daniele."

I've never been to Kandy or Sri Lanka or ... Asia at all. But my wife goes to India and Nepal every year, and she took Jon there twice, to Sri Lanka and the Himalayas.

[depotdoug]

Thank you Cisco99 for sharing your life hope I can do the same with my son and me too.

[whatsinaname in reply to depotdoug]

Thank you for opening out, depotdoug.

It takes a lot of courage to do so.

All the very best to you and your son.

Life is not fair to all

[depotdoug in reply to whatsinaname]

Nope not at all. I could explain in length our sons life mess ups and struggles . But that would take a secretarial dictation expert. More later. Would it make me feel better to talk about our son Jeremy? ?

[whatsinaname in reply to depotdoug]

It could make you feel better by talking about your son Jeremy.

Please go right ahead.

Cheers, depotdoug. Compared to me, you have been through an awful lot.

[depotdoug in reply to whatsinaname]

Yes, it hard to find people that understand no don’t understand our anxiety life problems. Doctors care about prescribing RX and authoring tests and giving us the hard core facts bad or good or real bad. Time for some counseling? Oh I just came home from a recovery group at church. Guess that’s a start. Tuesday a good day to start looking.

[larry_dammit]

Suicide is such a horrible thing, I have lost a great friend that reached out to me and I didn’t recognize the issue. Not a day goes by I don’t think about him. I feel for you and your family. 😢😢🙏🙏🙏

[Cisco99 in reply to larry_dammit]

I am slightly comforted by the fact that there was nothing I could do, at any point, to change her direction. I am more comforted by the knowledge that she doesn't want me to mourn day in, day out. She can still put a smile on my face. Thanks!

[addicted2cycling in reply to Cisco99]

Suicides in my life have not left feelings of despair but instead comfort knowing that pains of the physical and psychological are no more. Medical intervention taken to the max along with spiritual proved fruitless and thus peace came as a result of last resort.

I have in place the means for my voluntary "Exit Stage Right" and one can call it what one wants but I know that for me to place a burden on my loved one's is in reality the ultimate degree of selfishness, that to me is despicable. Making my intentions known was a priority and while some don't agree they at least have an understanding of where I come.

[Cisco99 in reply to addicted2cycling]

I agree. Enough is enough. My wife, however, who once suggested it as an option ("I'll put you on a bus and send you to Oregon" -- where assisted suicide is legal, is now dead against it ("It will push our son to take his life.")

So I don't know what to do, and at some point it will be too hard physically to accomplish.

I'm afraid of the pain, and making others wipe my ass.

[monte1111 in reply to Cisco99]

Maybe that's why I hate buses. Especially buses full of clowns.

[erjlg3 in reply to larry_dammit]

[carbide]

Sorry for your loss of daughter. Extremely hard to lose a child.

Today, you have the illness of cancer,

Your son has the mental illness of depression, thoughts of sucide.

If his illness is not extreme, your illness

may help him feel he is needed and has worth. Share your needs and love of each other.

God bless.

[Hidden]

I am in remission going on 4 years with PC in oct 2020 and I have a son who is bipolar and has tried to commit suicide but I have saved him in the nick of time. getting him to the hospital. I can only pray that he has realized to be here for his daughter and son, it seems to be getting to him by me mentioning that and I praise the Lord everyday for another day without any episodes from him and to stay in remission. I have changed my lifestyle to what I eat.organic veggies every morning and try to eat like that in the evening. I live in a higher frequency of Love , Compassion, Kindness and gratitude. I do believe we can control our lives by prayer and living in the higher frequency. Our mind is very much in control of our body. God Bless to all that read this. Amen.

[Cisco99 in reply to Hidden]

"Love , Compassion, Kindness and Gratitude." Otherwise you tumble through the cracks.

[j-o-h-n]

Love him....

Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.

j-o-h-n Monday 12/30/2019 6:04 PM EST

[scarlino]

Thank you for sharing this with us. Bless you for what you have and are going through. I will be praying for Jon and you .

[Cisco99 in reply to scarlino]

No, bless YOU, scarlino!!