I'm finding that, as a lifelong partner, trying to comprehend that the 20 or so years we imagined we had left, and planned for, may be shorter than we'd hoped. Even with good life choices, etc. So, we're shortchanged... so what. Life deals many blows to many people.. sometimes in a wink of an eye. My question is, do any partners on this site start to notice that through this journey (versus the blink of an eye) that they are wanting to synchronize their lives with their loved ones?
To wives, partners and husbands.... - Advanced Prostate...
To wives, partners and husbands....
Written by
Brbnbrn
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I hear you. Today has been one of those days for me, looking at the shortchange of it all. But then you don’t know, but you don’t plan, and I lost the person I could share with; my husband. 😢
I'm so sorry. The pain is almost palpable, for both of us. I'm sure it was for your husband too. I'm trying hard to emulate the strength I've seen shown here by these wonderful contributors. But there are some very dark moments. Take care of yourself. 💜
I am wanting to separate from my partner. He is healthy and sexual with other men at this point and I feel left out like an outcast. I feel as though he has many years left and should be with a man he can grow old with having a healthy love and sex life without the constant threat of death hanging over his/our heads. Our journeys are divesting. I dont feel equal or part of a whole anymore. Instead I feel alienated due to pain...or erectile dysfunction or bodily changes due to Lupron. Can't be much fun to be with someone who constantly breaks out into a sweat or gets nauseous. Not very sexy. So...this is a lonely journey. No loved one can really relate to the experience. How do you continue to love someone with cancer. I dont think it's a realistic expectation on my part.
How difficult for you. I know, no loved one can really know what you're feeling, just other men on this site/with PCa. We've also set aside our romantic life. How long have you two been together? I'm sure your relationship is based on more than just "being sexy"! And, he probably WANTS to stay or he wouldn't be there now! 💜
I have no opinion on whether it is best for both of you to separate, but I would suggest you discuss this together with a couples counselor. You are making a lot of assumptions about how he feels and about how he would be better off, and he is making a lot of assumptions about your preferences. I suspect you would both be better off actually hearing all this verbalized in front of a neutral third party. Then, you could both make the decision you are going to make based on actual facts rather than suppositions.
Tall_Allen... he has told me that he is no longer attracted to me because of my ED and the changes in my body. So...living with that knowledge only enhances my self consciousness and discomfort.
I suggested counseling for the 2 of us and he states that he doesn't have the time to spend on that. He works a long day and I get that and he doesn't what to spend any free time going to couples counseling. He just wants it to stay the way it is. He gets his intimate sexual needs met elsewhere and he has me at home to keep him company. And I dont want to live like this anymore.
I hope you have a support network of friends and family you can talk to. I know that in LA and NY there are gay prostate cancer support groups. Maybe where you live?
My support group is back in New England where my family and friends are.
Lombardi, Your partner is committed to you.He is not perfect. He is human. He is honest about his sexual needs. I suggest you stop with the guilt trips and be thankful for his caregiving and loyalty. Couples counseling isn’t the answer. He would sit there and hear you complain about him not meeting your expectations. Any complaints he has about you would seem very petty for him to verbalize. It is a no-win for him. This is your journey. He is part of it. He is there. Be nice. Be grateful. You have love, companionship and empathy to offer. Give it freely.
What do you know Steph1234? Have you completely lost your manhood your sexuality? He lies to me. He doesn't tell me or share with me that he is having sex with other men. He has told me he is no longer attracted to me because of the cancer. How do you think this makes me feel? I have to and have had to ASK him for his support. You think it's easy to take trains and walk to and from a chemo appointment alone in NYC? He didnt want to give up his personal time or vacation days to go with me. I did most of it alone until I finally asked him...no told him he had to come with me. He was going to let me drive myself to Boston for treatments which were exhausting to me...letting me drive back to NYC alone until I told him I needed him to be with me. Support? Right. And when I was away he used that time to go online and cruise for guys and organize hookups. I was in Boston on one occasion and was taken to the hospital because I got sick and couldn't stop vomiting. When I called him from the hospital his response was - "feel better...I need to go shower and do some stuff..." That shows true concern doesn't it? So you do not KNOW what you're talking about. I would rather he be honest and just move on. 😑
Well, if you don't want to do this anymore, then you should perhaps consider separation. We all deserve to be loved and to be in an equal relationship, and by that I don't mean equal in the sense that both are sick or both are healthy, but in the sense that both have to be agreedon wanting to be there for one another or looking after each other when it becomes necessary. Your partner may have his very own reasons why he wants things to stay exactly as they are, but if it doesn't work for you then there is no point in holding on to that. Life is too short, literally short for many, to make these compromises.
Of course it is possible to love someone with cancer!
Well, it may not be possible for everyone. Some people may find it too much or too difficult but, frankly, if that is the case than you are better off without them.
I think where true love is there can be true understanding, true caring and true partnership.
My husband Paul used to say something similar to me: "How can you want to be with me sick and sweaty and often tired and now I can't even give you anything sexually anymore!" And my answer always was: "Because I love you. And you are much more than your cancer."
MelaniePaul I think your words "you are much more than your cancer" are very profound. Difficult to hang on to all the time, but definitely ones to hold onto. Best wishes.
Of course he feels sorry for him cause he feels like he isn’t the man he was, robbed of many things because of this horrible disease. I don’t have a partner and initially worried that I would be alone but reading posts like the one from Bill and others that say they have no chance of even getting a date has thought me that it’s hard no matter the situation you are in. I have also learned that it’s tough for everyone around, be it partners, family or friends. I can see the pain of loss and helplessness in the faces of my Sisters, brothers and friends and have discovered that I am surrounded by love despite not having a partner. I feel robbed of a long term future that I was never guaranteed in the first place and that’s the point. A friend of mine lost his partner of 25 years two years ago. He was 62 and we all thought he would outlive us all. His own Dad only died the year before well into his 80’s. Left for work one Monday morning and never got to come home. Or a sister of a friend of mine who died from a haemorrhage while walking her dog one morning only 48. There are no guarantees and the best we can do is to make the most of today as best we can.
Well said... grateful for every day for sure. My husband has started adding, "God willing and if the crick don't rise..." to every plan we make!
Well, in the final analysis it's just so very hard. We've been married nearly 54 years & are in our mid-70s. Physical intimacy was a super-glue throughout those years until my husband was diagnosed with PCa, intermediate-high risk, with emphasis on the high risk. So, RRP 4-2014; recurrence 18 months later & had IMRT & ADT Feb-Mar 2016. Never recovered from ED. But until about 6 months ago, we still managed to enjoy physical intimacy / pleasuring ways other than penetration & both felt that sense of being glued together as one. Now, it's been several months, no libido building up in him at all. Have infrequent times of shared tenderness -- hugs (usually initiated by me) in the course of the day, sitting close together while watching TV, hubby's placing his hand gently on my shoulder in bed before falling asleep. . . I do just miss him & the closeness that seemed to be increasing between us as we aged but before the PCa. It's difficult to be sanguine about the future. The most important thing, though, is not to dwell & keep going & living a day at a time & trying to grasp whatever happy moments may arise.
After I dry my eyes... we too have settled into a life of physical closeness without the act. We do those exact things... we have a love seat and hold hands while watching tv, I crawl up on his lap every morning for a full body hug, even if we're mad about something... touch in bed at night. We reminisce sometimes about our "randy" experiences when we were young. Never thought at the time, that those memories would be so important for us in our 60's, and fun! It's a bond.
Paul and I were the same. We were very close, just not making love anymore. Paul used to find this incredibly difficult as he felt he couldn't give me what I deserved. I always said, "Paul, there is so much more than this. As long as we are together and can share happy moments and cuddles and hugs, I am happy." And that was really true. And I still miss the hugs and the cuddles and wish I could experience them just one more time! But my beloved husgand passed away exactly six months ago today.
😢
I so much agree with everything you have said.
Thank you Bcgkelly. It was poignant. I appreciate the understanding.
Your welcome. I understand how you feel cause I also feel that this disease is taking away so many things. At 55 I find the ED very tough not to mention even more fatigue, weight gain and wetting myself that treatments will bring but what choice do we have but play the hand we have been dealt as best we can. My name is Bill as well BTW.
Agree. But it is difficult to push thru the depression at times. Bill here also.
I know but you have been through so much and you’re still here and still fighting and know that you have helped me to get through today.
So, my point to you Lombardi24, is that you two have shared a great deal in the past. That MEANS something today.
You dont understand. It is extremely difficult for me in this situation to not feel cheated. I dont feel as though I fit in this relationship any longer. He wont face what is happening to me and I no longer see us as equals. He us healthy both physically and sexually and I am not. I cant share that and I can't compete with it. It just doesn't work for me anymore. I have cancer is the reality here and he wants to and is living a normal life. I am NOT living a normal life. Being sick from chemo for weeks and weeks is not normal and I look horrible.
Well, I think the questions here are:
1. Does he want to be with you despite your illness? If yes, then there is nothing you can argue about, then that is his decision, and he may well say, "Yes, I want to be with you because I love you."
2. Do you want to be with him? And don't answer that from the point of, "I am sick and he is not so we can't be together anymore." That is simply not true and you know that deep down yourself. Ask yourself: Do I love him? And do I want to be in this relationship?
Many people here on this forum are in relationship and happy to be in it, despite the fact that one has cancer and the other one doesn't.
My husband has been diagnosed for a little over a year. He was 49 and I was 48. We had had a very good intimate relationship. Because of his pca specifics we hit it very hard. Now he truly has no sexual desire and has ED. He still has a strong desire to be close- to touch, to love in other ways- even just bringing me a hot cup of coffee. I think, if it is possible, that I'm more in love with him now. It has brought us closer- and we had a very close marriage before diagnosis. He did cry the other night (some of the treatments have made him more emotional at times) wondering and feeling guilty about how I could be just 50 and facing a marriage void of intercourse. But I told him, and believe deeply, that our relationship is deeper than that. Part of my sexual pleasure was always HIS pleasure. Our relationship was always so much more than just our great sex life.
If he ever thought that the best thing for me was to let me go.... no way. We are in this fight together.
I'm finding that this disease is just as much emotional as it is physical. And, because it gas to do with "manhood" it is even more so.
You have brought to the surface one of my biggest fears: Abandonment and being marginalized. I can feel friends and family gradually changing their relationships, and “moving away.” The old concept: If you don’t take care of yourself, no one else will. What a terrible awakening after the devastation of a cancer diagnosis ... to know on many levels that you are alone.
I’ve had to abandon many of my concepts of socialization, relationships, support, and caring. And switch on to a different road ... let go of those, and let others fill the void of the support that you expected from those you knew. Be reborn with others you know, and others who newly may come into your life.
Best wishes along this journey.
Having been diagnosed with PC I have realised how much I need and appreciate the support of others and afraid at the same time of what it will do my relationship with my wife and others. At times though I want to be on my own.
So yes I want to synchronise my relationships in the unknown time left to me.
My best wishes to all
youtube.com/watch?v=3JWTaaS...
Good Luck, Good Health and Good Humor.
j-o-h-n Thursday 11/15/2018 9:17 PM EST
If you’re asking do I want my life to end with my husband’s? No, although I would think that is a common and certainly understandable feeling. We have six children under the age of 16 so I feel a stronger sense than ever of needing to be present and take care of myself so that I can take care of them. I’m terrified at the thought of something happening to me and them being left with no parent. If w where at a different stage in life or circumstances were different...maybe. I do know that the thought that this life that we had planned for ourselves is disintegrating in front of me is beyond devastating. My heart breaks over and over again every time I think of something else we won’t be able to do together, and of how much I will just miss him, and how lonely life will be. I don’t want to ever experience that. I feel your pain with you. Sending hugs and light your way. This journey is not for the weak.
Yes, that's what I meant. Everything you said applies. We have 3 grand girls who are teens that we are very close with and are THE stabilizing factor in their lives emotionally and financially. Their Papa has been the Male role model in their lives, so that is about the only factor that makes me think of the "future" and keeps me thinking about maintaining my physical health instead of asking myself "What's the point?" He's going to retire in April and I hope he and we can do some of the things we've envisioned. Thank you and Blessings to you and your family. 💖
I hope you are able to some of those things too. Thanks for sharing with me. This whole thing can be very, very lonely, and it’s helpful when I know that others share similar thoughts and feelings in response to this awful disease. My grandfather was the male role model in my life, he lived to 93 and I still miss him. Blessings to your family as well. 💖
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