Very Addicted to Adderall: I'm Quitting This Rollercoaster and Today is My Very Last Day!

[GoldenYellow]

Hi All,

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

I'm writing because I feel teary and emotional. Today will be my last day abusing Adderall. Last day I'll ever feel "lit up and happier than a disco-ball-rainbow-light-wave sparkling in dewy mist and moonlight.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

That's how Adderall made me feel in the beginning. Like I was an electric-disco-ball-rainbow. I now actually have an inkling what it would feel like to exist only as a multicolored luminous ray of light Never been happier in all my years. And oddly, despite how this drug later beat me down , and even knowing these beatings will only get worse for quite some time to come, somehow, I am actually in a slightly sentimental, misty-eyed mood about never seeing this 'bestower of happiness' ever again. It did give me the most joyous moments of my depression ridden lifetime. And now it's dying.

As my turbulent love-hate-affair with Adderall is a secret one I am here to write through my feelings... not Facebook,. Think I'm lamenting this as a loss. Weird mourning or something happening, When I should have nothing but hate and fear for this drug... which I do, I also sense echoes of sentiments which reek of the nostalgic... Regarding a drug that made me hurt, and/or almost lose, everything that matters. Yet I am struck with a desire to "talk to it" and "tell it things". I've heard it helps to address dead people when grieving the stages, and once a doctor suggested I write a letter to my cigarettes and say goodbye before I quits... so hey it feels right...

Just now, you make me sick, Adderall... You demand all my energy, all my attention and you do it all of the time. Like a jealous lover, you have kept insisting I live my life circling round you and you alone. And it was like you gave me an ultimatum:

Give up all else I hold dear - Or lose my spot being enveloped in your emanations of raw exhilaration.

You demand a lot of me actually. You're bossy Adderall. And have many ways you exert pressure on me,... pressure to act in a way that strengthens your hold on me. Almost always soon thereafter, I feel threatened by something to do with you. Thus in the past I have never dared to defy. Like this:

Relinquish. Neglect. Forsake. - Or I'll no longer be cozily cloaked in your atmospheric, electric air of effervescence.

Betray. . Mislead. Deceive. - Or Ill never again be immersed in your vast ocean and infused with surging swells of vitality and icy-sharp incisiveness .

Succumb. Submit. Cave. - Or never again will I be swathed in your auric plumes of primal exuberance.

Deplete. Drain. Exhaust. - Or forgo being showered with spiraling sprays of light fiery sparks, infused with both exquisite, unalloyed ecstasy and divine, utter elation. Sparks you allowed to glance my skin with a little of a zap here and fleck of a zip there... Just enough, so at times, my grinning-idiot-neurons fired so that I felt like cascading waves of joy were warmly washing over me. And walking to the bust stop seemed like dancing on the stars.

But you always left me needing more.

And the cycle begins again.

....... Betray. Mislead. Deceive. Relinquish. Neglect. Forsake. Withdraw. Isolate. Detach. Succumb. Submit. Cave. Surrender. Buckle. Resign. Obey. Serve. Comply. Relinquish. Neglect. Forsake. Betray. Mislead. Deceive. Deplete. Drain. Exhaust .......

All or nothing was your final edict. Never thought I'd have the grit required to leave you, I bet. But sorry, sadly,, it's come down to you or me. I pick me. Certain to be hating you over the next 2 months I'm sure. But.. it wasn't always that way... Once, there were rainbow-days too. Lots and lots of them...

But it's goodbye Adderall.

Saying that makes me happy, sad, afraid, and angry, all together at once. Like a loaded baked potato of emotions. I can't say I'll miss your controlling behaviour Adderall... But, yeah, if I'm honest, I will actually leave this tango with a few notionally warmish memories and a fragment of a vague and disturbingly similar ache like I'm missing, well, something. Also an uneasy suspicion that it's a Stockholm-ish thing I've got going on today. They say we do love our Prison's. Because they're all we know. In 3 months I'll know a lot of different things than I do now. Like maybe myself again. Praying anyhow. So maybe by then I'll only hate you as I feel I should.

But just now, at this moment, I can't help also feeling sad. Sad about the imminent death of vibrant rainbow colors reflecting colorful in the dewy mists and silvery moonlight.

I hate you passionately Adderall. You're bully of a drug. And you make me afraid every minute of each anxiety prone day. But I'm glad I got to say goodbye. Somehow, i n some strange way, I'm calmer for having written this out.

The truth of how I feel? That lies ahead. In my future without you. Bye-bye now my addiction drug. Don't take good care. And don't ever call.

Moving on. Moving on. Moving on.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

No more rainbows now.

I chased my missing rainbow for 6 months after my tolerance hit. That was 7 months ago. and I have only used Adderall for nine. That nine though? A long, crazy, up-and-down-topsy-turvy-anxiety-ridden-self-hate-inducing-almost-lost-my-job-and my-sanity-9 months.

I've needed more and more and then more to get that same 'electrically happy effect', and today, I took the latest amount I've needed, (which I don't dare to go higher than), a completely insane 180mg dose. Yep. You read that right. (Don't worry, done this much many times before. No heart palpitations, chest pains, nothing even close...)

I actually feel like I could sleep, on 180mg, that's how bad my tolerance is. My doctor doesn't know I've been using up my whole script in 3 days and crashing (which feels almost like death at first) for the next 17 days, till I get more, for around 4 months now.

Don't trust myself one inch with the pills now, and my 'angel-sent-from-heaven-of-a-boyfriend' (hereafter just "Angel") is now holding the 'goods' and will be dispensing small daily amounts, until Jan 20, when I will, I pray, be functional again, on the 60mg/day I'm supposed to be taking. (At this point, I will ask my doctor to wean me off the rest.)

I know, I know, shouldn't do this without medical supervision, BUT I have intense social phobia and my doc, were I to tell her how much I was taking to feel it now, would put me in a rehab facility I'm sure. And there is NO where, at all, to go in such a place to be away from all the people. That scares me so much I'm just going to wean down best I can at home and not allow myself access to the pills.

Situation critical.

No joke.

🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️

But, tomorrow, I begin the journey back to being someone I like.

I'm getting off this high/crash rollercoaster. Finally. And forever.

🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️🌞🌝☀️

I've taken off work until Jan. 20th Missed so much work over the last 6 months I can't believe they didn't fire me on the spot when I asked for this time off to 'visit my Aunt' - then I will have some short shifts and ease back into things. (My job is quite physical and I will be weak by then I'm sure, after spending 5 weeks mostly in bed. I've made something else up about why I need half-shifts at first.) So what is another lie now. It's true what they say about addicts - they lie about everything, - all the time. You have to actually, to keep your condition a secret and now to keep my withdrawal a secret too. I have many different stories/scenarios I'm holding up right now - depends on who you talk to whether: I'm leaving town for 6 weeks tomorrow, left town 2 weeks earlier, am just having a bad cold, recently got a diagnosis of mononucleosis, am having my dentures worked on (so can't go out as have no teeth), or I am having a BVP episode (actually true at the moment ... who knew I could still tell the truth anymore at all?) I do feel genuinely, well, overall 'bad' I guess, about all the lying over the last 7 months or so, as I respect and like almost everyone I've lied habitually to. That sounds like a lie itself, doesn't it? Hard to believe. But it's true. (No reason to lie here so you're getting the bald truth.) This insane amount of lying, that grows like an out-of-control snowball, just like your addiction does, is PART of how the the addiction begins to make you hate yourself.

(Or most of yourself. There is a small part of me I still recognize and feel friendly towards. Some days I need my Angel to remind me why I should feel the least bit good about myself now. He points out that I acknowledged my addiction. (Took forever, while I kept figuring and reconfiguring, slightly different 'ways' to take Adderall, and, well, basically, not have it ruin my life. But I finally did admit it. To myself and to my Angel. And a week later, decided to get off Adderall once and for all.

Thank God for my boyfriend btw, and small shoutout here. Simply must. He has listened endlessly; held my pills ( and at quite an inconvenience to himself, dispensed them to me on what I have come to call 'event days' as opposed to 'crash days' for over 2 months now; he is still agreeing to keep doing this well into Feb. 2025, God bless his selfless soul; and he has run SO many errands for me as I was laid out, crashing, and feeling like death as my body recalibrated

I have been emailing him my bi-weekly "drug needs and event agenda" that I organize with painful scrutiny to detail - God forbid I mess up and don't have drugs when I must do something, anything, requiring I think in a straight line.

( And yes, 'drugs' is what I call them now. Adderall is not 'medication' for me any longer. I don't think it can be when being used like cocaine can it?

I can't wait to see the tail end of this insidious drug and be ME again. I miss me. It's been a long time. I hope I CAN return to the way I was before, which I used to think was a kind of a sad way to be, but now, think would be heaven compared to this madness of arranging my entire life around when I will be able to function/on Adderall. I'm down to counting pills and marking every detail on a calendar. A drug-day-agenda! Wow.

BUT...

I am 200% committed to quitting.

And I know how incredibly hard this will be.

( Last week I did an abrupt, cold turkey week off, and it was hellish. Eye-lids like cement, so heavy, they felt as though they were sinking into my eye sockets. Sleeping 14hrs at a time the first 4 days and feeling so spaced out my head seemed to be 5 feet wide. Unable to even think out 4 complete sentences in my head, never mind speak them outload. Can't even phone to schedule an appointment for a later day, cause I'm certain, my lack of coherency, will become obvious during my arduous search for words meaning "That's will be ok" or audibly struggle to say something I want to convey "I appreciate that" ( The last really happened last time I attempted a phone call during a crash. "Thank you" actually did not enter my mind. Wasted on it. Wasted off it.) Very typical of my brain during an Adderall crash ... thinking is like moving through thick, mushy, cement which has almost, but not quite, completely solidified. Big effort. And quickly exhausting.

It's like Adderall use, for the purpose of mood enhancing, (which it was given to me to do, for depression actually, ) turns the Adderall into a cursed magic item.

Like in an episode of Twilight Zone... I can imagine an old gypsy woman's papery voice crackling ominous warnings... "The energy it imparts will be great indeed, soaking you in boundless vitality from a seemingly everlasting stream of its exclusive enchanting elixir.

But lest thee beware... endowments so spellbinding spin forth spells that bind.

There will come a price to be paid... And it too will be grand. Perhaps, it will prove, to costly for you...

As sure as night falls, this magical mixture will seek to exact the most lavish and enduring sort of remuneration. A morbidly heavy and mighty malaise will descend on you. It shall last twofold the time of radiant lightness. Tread carefully., she warned.. and I did not listen. Ears were deafened by the rainbow-like-waterfall crashing through my head.

Tomorrow I begin payback.

Please pray for me if you pray. Thanks. Thanks very much. 🩷🫶 🩷🫶

Anyone reading this who's psychiatrist thinks Adderall may relieve your depression... Don't. Just don't. Run the other way.

You are very sad. This amphetamine will make you happier than you've ever felt in your life. I felt like a disco rainbow. And so will you.

Until you can't anymore. Here's were it gets tricky. You don't think you'd take too much to reach the same peak do you? Don't think anyone does. Think they, themselves, would do what an addict did...

But who more, than someone who's suffered from deep, painful sadness for so, so, long, would be at greater risk to abuse, and become addicted, than someone such as that? Someone such as us?

Might as well have handed me cocaine and said 'This'll make you happy - run with it...' Don't blame my doctor. She read the latest journals before deciding. I do blame the scientists publishing papers right now advocating amphetamines as a safe and effective to alleviate treatment-resistant depression - just a little bit. I do.

I'm will write a few when I'm whole again and hope some listen.

☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀

Think before you try the Adderall/Madderall.

☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀☠️☠️☠️💀💀💀

And be careful what you wish for. Everything has a price. This is too good to be true and certainly isn't free. Its bloody hell expensive is what it is, or will begin to be, tomorrow.

Hope this helps someone. And maybe some of you will kindly share your thoughts and a spray a little rainbow glitter about for me.

I'm fresh out myself.

[HotMess2023]

This sounds so tough, but good for you. Glad you have such wonderful support with your boyfriend.

[GoldenYellow in reply to HotMess2023]

Thanks so much for the kind words. They mean a lot at times like this. And yes, my boyfriend is truly a blessing. Thankful for him every day. So far so good btw... Only about 4 hrs under my belt, LOL, but already feel so good about my decision to do this. Happy Holidays and take good care. - GoldenYellow 🧭🧭🎡🎡🎄🎄🎁🎁🎀🎀

[Allie501 in reply to GoldenYellow]

This is a huge step. Good for you! You said you have 4 hrs. under your belt. Does that mean you have started weaning yourself off 4 hours ago. How do you decide how many milligrams to take each day to wean yourself off? Wondering in case I choose the same path. But I pretty much take the amount prescribed. On occasion I take 5mg. imbetween doses. I take Ritalin. It is expensive as I pay out of pocket for brand and it is the main reason I have considered stopping. But also the up and down rollercoaster ride as you described. But I would like to know how you're doing this and how you are doing after the 6 weeks. Thanks for sharing! Congratulations on your decision!

[GoldenYellow in reply to Allie501]

Hey, thanks for the reply! 🌝

Well, I've looked at my response to a variety of doses over the last 2 months and then just reduced from my current dose, by 1/4 for 3 days, then by 1/2 for 3 days, then right down to 60mg/day for 8 days. Next two weeks will be 60mg/day and stay there till Jan. 20th when I will ask my psychiatrist to wean me off the 60mg/day as she sees best.

Since I have gone down to nothing from having had 3 days on 180mg/day, and stayed there for 11 days, and survived this, the much more gradual schedule above should be fine - and much easier on me actually. (Note: This large, abrupt, reduction was dangerous. And happened only because of intense cravings/bad addiction causing me to use up my script all at once... Just cause it didn't kill me is no guarantee it won't kill you.)

I just can't handle a rehab facility ( I have severe panic attacks when I can't limit/control my exposure to social situations and that's a hell of its own). And rehab is the only choice my doctor would have for me should I ask for her supervision of this weaning off. Know it's not ideal to do myself but since it would mean living with no way to be alone, at all, for months, if I were to tell her... it's simply got to be the do-it-yourself-method.

Going okay so far. But tomorrow I get quite low for the first time since I began, so expect to begin feeling extremely exhausted, sleeping too much for a bit, spacey/strange and have a very hard time concentrating. Not fun. Terrible really.

Will be stuck there till my body manages to adjust. Not sure how long that will take but hope its by Jan. 20 as I'm to return to p/t work then. Fingers crossed.

I still want more. And want to quit. At the same time. When this is over, I'll have absolutely no way to get any Adderall. So, cravings will not cause a relapse. They can't.

☀️☀️☀️ I don't recommend doing it yourself, without medical supervision, to anybody else here... I'm doing it as panic attacks are literally like losing my mind over and over and rehab living facilities are the only other option for me.

Please use your doctor's guidance in weaning off your meds if at all possible in your own unique situation. ☀️☀️☀️

Good luck with your Ritalin. If I am well enough to, I will update in a couple of weeks. If not, I will update in a month, or month and 1/2, when I can concentrate again.

Appreciate the support. Thanks so much and take care. ☀️🩷☀️

[Allie501 in reply to GoldenYellow]

Thanks for responding so quickly. You are going into this eyes wide open. You know what to expect and you have a plan. I believe your goal is to be free. I don't know if or when I might decide to do what you're doing. Couple differences are my symptoms are a result o 2 concussions. And I've been prescribed and taking Ritalin for over 20 years. It helps with symptom management but not as much as when I first started on it. But I do notice when I don't take it. I feel like I'm in a fog and can't concentrate, focus, or do anything.And my insurance, and pretty much any insurance will not pay for a brand name stimulant. Only generic. Which is worthless as far as I'm concerned. And prior authorizations are hard to get approved. That's why I'm thinking of weaning myself off at some point. I pay out of pocket since I retired.

Thanks so much for sharing your experience, strength, and hope. Please continue to update us on occasion too. Best of God's blessings to you!

[JamiHIS Administrator]

Dear GoldenYellow:

Thank you for contacting CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD. I commend your courage to stop taking your prescribed Adderall. However, please be aware that doing so can be dangerous, even life-threatening. Treatment centers can help you withdraw from the medication by close monitoring and support to lessen the symptoms of withdrawal. This can be more effective and less risky and damaging on your body. It also would ensure that you have the support you need to recover from misuse of the medication.

Here is some information about finding a center near you in Canada canadadrugrehab.ca/. Please don't be afraid to reach out for help. You can call or text 988 anytime day or night if you feel like you are in crisis or just need someone to talk with about your situation. Here is more information about mental health support based on province canada.ca/en/public-health/.... I hope this information is helpful for you. If you have further questions, please let us know. We wish you the best!

Sincerely,

Jami

Health Information Team Manager

CHADD's National Resource Center on ADHD

[JamiHIS Administrator in reply to JamiHIS]

Here's some additional resources that you might find helpful as you navigate this journey. Although it's recommended to wean off the medication under your doctor's supervision, if you decide to work through this without your doctor, these groups can provide you with support.

Narcotics Anonymous narcotics.com/na-meetings/

Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance dbsalliance.org/. They have support groups dbsalliance.org/support/cha... and dbsalliance.org/support/cha...

[Greenbeeps]

good luck….definitely seek support…no point continuing on this horrendous path of withdrawing /craving….you’ve made your decision and need support…and….then will need support again with depression! Sounds to me like making decisions and asserting yourself goes a MASSIVELY long way in improving your mood…have you tried alternative methods to treat your depression? Wim Hof? Watch his series called Freeze the fear…and then find a Wim Hof method centre. Have private meditation classes with a qualified instructor….I have struggled with depression and anxiety for years…now diagnosed with ADHD….i take the meds THEY DONT ALWAYS WORK…I’ve educated myself on the need for HRT whilst going through the menopause…this has helped…BUT…the main reason they don’t always work is the relentless stress of life which has to be managed a different way….another useful tool is ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) find a therapist or look up The Happiness Trap….good luck…depression can be ‘lived with’ it doesn’t have to own you 🌟

[emiL1234]

hey, YOU CAN DO THIS.

Also, did you explore the possibility that acupuncture might help? Especially for women our age.

It doesn’t work for everyone, but when it works, it works pretty fast and it’s MAGIC.

Good luck::::::::::::::::

[Allie501 in reply to emiL1234]

Did you have acupuncture? Did you go off your med? Thank you for the suggestion. I'm not planning to go off my medication soon. But I will check into this.

[Stippler]

I stopped Adderall about 2-1/2 months ago. I never abused it, but it still caused problems with my schizophrenia and I had to stop. It took about 6 - 8 weeks before the moodiness went away. It was almost like a grieving process because it did help me focus better and I had gotten so much done while taking it. But I am learning to do things without it and it is getting easier every day. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Best of luck to you - you are in my thoughts. You can do this.