I just joined minutes ago. I was diagnosed with adult ADHD since 2015 but I have been showing symptoms since I was a child. During primary school, I was always labelled as the 'weirdo' and I had serious trouble with socialising. I did not have a single friend throughout my primary school days and I often spend time alone.
Teachers often punished me for not paying attention in class, getting distracted with other activities or getting lost in my thoughts while doing class activities, having trouble to stay focused during lessons, not being able to finish my homework almost all the time, not being able to sit still for more than 10 minutes, making sounds while the teachers were teaching (such as humming songs in loops, making tongue clicks, and some random sounds), which then resulted me in being labelled as being disrespectful and acting silly in class, although I did not even realise that I was producing those random sounds. I was also not a bright student, often decorating the last few rows of the class average.
Back then, physical punishment was still acceptable in school and I was often called to the front and the teachers would then ask me to 'choose' my type of punishment such as ear pulling, belly-button pinching (often resulting in wounds), palm slapping (with a long and skinny rattan cane stick) until my palms became sore and reddish with wounds and many more. The punishments did not stop at the physical punishments but also extended to emotional punishments.
I had been asked to 'parade' the whole school, wearing a sign on my chest that read "I'm a lazy student and I deserve this." I was also often asked to stand on the chair throughout the class without moving or making any sounds. I had also been asked to go from class to class and tell the class that I was wrong and I was a lazy student for not finishing my homework. The list went on and on. At first, those punishment felt shameful and without a doubt, painful, both physically and emotionally. However, as time passed, I simply accepted my fate and I 'acknowledge' the fact that I was truly lazy and I stopped trying to be better. I simply accepted my fate and became the student that they believed I was, a problematic one.
The teachers branded me as 'the troubled and problematic student' and they often pass that information between them from year to year, to warn the other teachers about me. They thought that my behaviours were the result of my broken family, as my mother was a single mother. I came from a small town in Malaysia, surrounded by conservative and old-fashioned people (including the teachers and the school board, of course) and they simply concluded that I could be neglected at home, which resulted me into being uninterested in studies and showing various 'attitude problems'.
To be honest, I never once broke any school rules. I did not join any of the naughty crowds, I came to school on time, and I joined all of the school activities, even the extra-curricular ones. I also enjoyed being in the library, reading story books and getting lost in my imagination. Many times, I went to the library during recess and forgot to have my meals, as I was too engrossed with reading. There were also many times where I got lost in time while reading and that resulted me to go back to class a bit later, which then resulted into getting punished, again. I first tried to explain to my teachers but they simply did not want to hear any explanation because they thought of me as simply trying to give excuses. So, I stopped trying to explain and I accepted my fate every single time.
Fast forward, I am now a lecturer at a well-renowned university in my country. I tried my best to make amends with my past and I learn from my teachers' mistakes. I'm doing my best to not let my students experience the same horror as I did back then and I am often called as an amazing, chill, considerate, and inspiring lecturer in my lecturer feedback form. Many of my students wished for me to teach them in the following semesters and many of them said that I was the best lecturer they had in their years of studies. I am still healing and my process of healing involves facing my childhood trauma and turning them into my life lessons, to never repeat those dark days again.
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TyaAce
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most of us have just suffered the mental punishments that hammer our self images, but not physical punishment.
Getting diagnosed gives you the opportunity to revisit those experiences. Now, instead of thinking there was something wrong in your character, you can see them as the result of biochemistry. It doesn't make the treatment you endured any less horrible, but you can now toss away the self-judgement and acceptance of blame you didn't deserve.
Often there is some anger, both because you weren't identified as having ADHD and therefore there were lost chances to fit in with peers, as well as missed opportunities in life compared to how you might have thrived with recognition and treatment.
Understanding ourself and ADHD can make us more forgiving, supportive and understanding of others with diverse brains or other mental challenges.
I completely agree with you. I often blamed myself for the ‘faults’ that the neurotypicals branded me for, making me feel like I didn’t belong anywhere. So, I put on several masks, depending on the situations and the people with whom I was dealing. It took me a long time to discover my true self and unlocking my potentials, the potentials that those adults around me failed to see.
To be honest, I am still in my journey of discovering more of my superpowers. Haha.
Thank you for sharing your story. May I ask how old you were when diagnosed? I was just diagnosed last year, at age 56. I am doing ok, thanks the therapy. It really helps to be able to learn about my brain and what Neurodivergence is...I too was the "weird" kid in school and struggle with friendships. I don't really "see" how others perceive me (even now) and would just keep going back and trying again. Even though they were bullying me, I thought if I just kept trying, I might have friends.
I love that you are an educator, and you get to teach others in a kind, chill way.
Hi there! I’m 33 years old (born in Nov 1989) and I was diagnosed back in 2015, when I was 25 going to 26). I was lucky because I went to study in the UK and I had better access towards healthcare, as compared to my own country, Malaysia.
Initially, I went to the GP because I felt so tired and I couldn’t function. I felt depressed and I couldn’t perform well in my studies. The GP did a few health assessments and first diagnosed me with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and thought that I might be depressed due to Vitamin B12 deficiency towards the end of the year in the UK, since I came from an equatorial climate country and was used to the exposure of sun and getting more than enough B12 naturally. Since the UK is shy with the sun, especially during autumn and winter, the GP said that I might just need to take B12 supplements.
However, the condition persisted and worsened within weeks. The supplement did nothing to change my mood. So, I went back to the GP and the GP referred me to the NHS to be attended by a specialist. After getting several physical and psychological assessments, I was finally diagnosed with MDD and ADHD. I later found out that the MDD became worse because of my untreated and undiagnosed ADHD. I did not straight away start with the meds because I have finished my studies when I was finally diagnosed and I thought that I would just try individual interventions to cope with my conditions.
Obviously, the individual interventions did not work due to lack of support and adequate information by the healthcare system in my country. So, I ended up revisiting my local GP and getting another reference to see the specialist at KKM (Kementerian Kesihatan Malaysia / Ministry of Health Malaysia). I did all of the assessments again and I am currently on meds for both MDD (Escitalopram 20mg) and ADHD (Atomoxetine 40mg).
Hi, I was diagnosed in April of 2022, at age 56. I began taking the generic version of Adderall XR, called "amphetamine/dextroamphetamine salts XR." The first dose was 5mg, with the instructions to try 10-15mg gradually. My world changed with the first dose! I take 15 mg every morning, but since there was a shortage of the medicine, I dropped down to 10mg a day for awhile. I can function on 10mg, but 15 mg is the perfect dose so far. I was diagnosed with MDD and GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) over 15 years ago, and had been on SNRI medications: Wellbutrin (bupoprion) ER and Effexor (venlafaxine) ER for years. They helped me a little, but not enough. I ultimately did a treatment course of TMS (Trans magnetic stimulation ) and it really improved my anxiety symptoms, and I was able to go off the SNRI's (a very difficult taper off those drugs). I now know that the depression and anxiety was brought on by living with a handful of physical diagnoses that all cause chronic pain, and being a woman with ADHD and not knowing I have a unique brain! I am also in weekly therapy, to help me learn how to maximize my success living with this brain. I feel so much better, it is great. I still have lows and struggle with the fatigue that comes with "masking" my ADHD. I have masked my whole life, and now am learning how to be myself instead.
An amazing story you've lived! And to come out the other side of all the abuse and find a positive way to live now, just so inspiring!!!! Thank you for sharing.
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