I'm recently diagnosed with ADHD but have been dealing with it for over 40 years. Only now do I see how it derailed my life. I'm trying to cope and get help, seeing a councilor.
My problem is that it has put a great strain on my marriage, my wife whom I love dearly is having a hard time with it. She constantly thinks when I forget something or 'phase-out', she thinks I'm doing it on purpose and gets mad, ergo I get mad back because I'm not doing it deliberately.
Waiting to see a psychiatrist to get on meds, but I feel it's destroyed my marriage. Can't convince her that it's not deliberate. What can I do???
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Clever66
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You and your wife need to see a psychologist that specializes in marriage counseling. In some area it is called couples counseling. If there are no psychologists in your are that specialize in that field. A regular marriage counselor will do.
Your wife needs to understand it has nothing to do with her. You need to understand your wife does not understand what is going on and why. I'm sure you have tried to explain it to her. But you need a professional to explain it. A psychologist can help both of you understand why you react the way you do and change it. All of this takes time.
ADHD almost destroyed my marriage. You're doing the right thing going to see a counselor. Make sure you are working with someone who specializes in ADHD.
I would recommend reading the book Driven to Distraction to help you better know what's going on with yourself. The better you can understand and manage yourself, the better you can help her.
From the current situation you shared the best advice I could give is work on yourself. You cant change what your wife thinks. Don't try to convince her, it wont work. As you start going to therapy, and getting medication she will come around. Especially if she starts seeing improvements in you.
It took a long time for my wife to believe I was dealing with ADHD. But it helps for me to look at things from her perspective. It does hurt when you feel unheard, or your spouse often drifts off when they are trying to share something important with you. Or when you forget things or don't follow through on commitments. Those are all painful, and can lead to feeling rejected, unloved, or unimportant. For neurotypical people their attention is more often on what's most important to them and they rarely forget what matters to them. I think we get hijacked in a way, and whatever is most stimulating to our brain at any given time gets most of our attention. But it's not what's actually the most important or valuable to us.
My wife can often feel unloved or unimportant, but that's not what people say when they feel hurt. They usually respond in anger or frustration or other ways that might cause you to want to respond negatively. I think people rarely know how they are feeling when they are upset. But I have this crazy theory that ADHD people can actually be more attune to others feelings than most people when their focus is on it. But I think they are also less likely to understand their own feelings when being triggered, usually from what feels like criticism, from another person. If you can understand how she is feeling rather than what she is saying, I think it can go a long way. So try not to get mad back, but instead try to be more curious about what is going on rather than reacting off your own pain.
In the moment when tensions are high like this, it helps me to apologize quickly, and then tell her how much I love her. Tell her that I actually do want to hear what she has to say. That her thoughts are more important than anyone else in the world. Stuff like that expresses my deep love for her and helps me to focus on her needs rather than whatever other noise is going on in my head. This gives her reassurances, and also helps me to calm down. I think ADHD does legitimately cause me to forget how much she means to me as well.
It's also been very helpful for my wife to go see a therapist for herself. For the longest time I think everything seemed about me and getting me better. But after living 20 years with someone with ADHD, I think it did a number on her. When your married, ADHD doesn't just affect you, it affects her too. And just like you have developed unhealthy coping strategies so has she. I wouldn't tell her that though. Better to reframe it like going to see a counselor to deal with her hurt. Because that's really what it is for both of you. Then she can unload on that therapist instead of you, and the therapist can help her work through it.
Hopefully that is not too much of my own experience and it helps you in your situation. ADHD people can have happy marriages too.
Clever66 when you go to counseling you should take her with you so she can learn about ADHD and all the joys and pains, strengths and weaknesses that come with it. Once she has been socialized, maybe you can ask the therapist to provide the names of support groups for her to attend.
I feel for you . I was only diagnosed last year at 47 and then this year also diagnosed ASD . I can’t say much for the marriage side sadly . I’m the other way , through learned behaviour I attempt to do everything and never forget anything just to make sure I don’t !! And I get mad when my family ( wife and 4 kids ) aren’t on top of everything like I am . I hope you manage a way to sort this out as you obviously have stuck together !!
One of the most frustrating things about ADHD is how easily it’s dismissed by almost everyone. Most people don’t realize how debilitating and destructive it can be and think if we only tried harder we would remember where we left our keys, we wouldn’t forget appointments, get fired from jobs or wouldn’t drive away from the gas pump after paying, but forgetting to pump the gas. Medication has helped keep me focused but it’s only one piece of the puzzle. I’ve lost jobs, relationships, and even my kids for awhile because what they thought was apathy, was really my inability to follow through with things they needed. ADHD is a beast, but it’s a beast that can be tamed. I recommend finding a therapist that specializes in adult ADHD and doesn’t charge for no show visits. LOL. Just recently I started a very important project that I must see through to the end so I started working with an ADHD coach. She isn’t a therapist, but has helped me so much with this multi-step project, by helping me breakdown each step instead of my usual: look at a long to-do list and then hide under my blanket because it’s so overwhelming. Maybe you might bring your wife to a therapy appointment, have her join an online support group like this one but for spouses or families…maybe talk to your therapist and get some tips on how to show her ADHD is real.
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