helping my spouse to understand how I think

[laurie6649]

This is my first time here and I am not sure what and how much to share. I can say that I was motivated to join this group because my husband does not really understand and accept that I may at times think differently. Instead he takes things personally or questions me why I did something a certain way. This adds up to making me feel very stupid.

[Gettingittogether]

So a little more information would be helpful. How long have you been married?

So these topics that he "corrects" you on (don't worry I'm not buying the "correcting")---can you name a few more words. We really need specifics to comment in any kind of informed way.

[Muneca48 in reply to Gettingittogether]

I understand what youre going through. My husband is the same way. I get such a suffocating feeling after a while. He doesn't want to learn about adhd but complains and misunderstands like if thats his job. Not until just recently like maybe a month ago did he really care and catch himself before he began arguing with me over a misunderstanding. Youre not alone. Going for walks with my earbud helps me when im frustrated with that. Try to get some you time that helps to relieve the stress of a stubborn husband.

[99cents]

I'm in my 40s, husband, father of 3 young kids. Diagnosed in 2021.

My counselor and my research taught me several things that may or may not apply...

First, I judge how I'm coming across by how others react. If they misunderstand, I'm probably not communicating clearly. So easy to see in my son and father who have ADHD. Not easy to see in myself.

Second, validate their experience. Their feelings are real, even if their interpretation is off. If I blame my wife, as I did for years, for misunderstanding me... Well that just makes resolving it harder.

Third, I learned to show things down, wait before replying, abs do the counselor awareness and CBT work before coming back. It's a skill that takes training, counseling, practice.

Fourth, I learned how ADHD tends to create predictable relationship issues. This all sounds familiar. So go look it up and read about it.

Fifth, it's not your fault but it is your responsibility. Kind of like if an earthquake hit. Not your fault. But don't expect others to fix everything in your house. You gotta do the work to fix you. Learn skills. Learn to ask for help in positive ways. Learn to laugh, accept when things don't go well, and build trust that you can try again.

Anyway. It's my 2 cents. It's hard work but it's the easiest way that actually works. In my life anyway.

[May2022]

Hi there, we are all anonymous here so be free to share, the idea to be here is to be free to speak your mind.

[artnmusic]

Oh I feel your pain, sister!! I'm assuming you have ADD/ADHD. My husband also doesn't get it and thinks I'm just lazy or absentminded and gets very frustrated with my behavior. We've been together about 20 years so he's used to it but I still feel like he thinks I do things 'on purpose' or in some malicious or careless way. It's very hard because I am such a codependent person and I often measure my worth by what others think of me. I'm not advocating that, it's just the way I was programmed and have to consciously fight against! When he is critical I feel even worse. Ugh. I take medication (Adderall) but I still have the behaviors, they're just somewhat tempered. You're not alone! Some books on ADD can be helpful for partners too. You can find a paragraph or two and share that if he doesn't want to read about it in depth. Specifically there are books that deal with the relationship issues for partners of ADD folks. I also find it's very very helpful for me to understand why my brain acts the way it does because I feel more compassion for myself. It *is* an "invisible" disability and the world does not understand it generally speaking. Good luck to you and take care!