ADD, Selfishness & Empathy, Morality & Ethics

[Stoneman60]

The first paragraphs are framing mainly for my benefit. They're long which probably isn't ideal for a group of adult ADDers. The final paragraph contains my question.

I'm an adult recently diagnosed with ADD and struggling to come to terms with a lifetime of regretable behavior and coping mechanisms that have after 25 years put my marriage in jeopardy. Ironically, I'm successful in my professional life. I've been coached not to use the words selfish and not-empathetic to describe myself, or prior mis-behaviors. Rather, I'm to use "just not seeing it". The distinction being intent. If you consciously choose your interests over someone elses, or are aware that your actions will hurt someone else and do it anyway the behavior is intentional and thus selfish. Motivation matches perception. But if the intent isn't there and you would have behaved differently had you been aware, you are not selfish even though the result is the same. You're merely dense. Just not seeing it. Motivation does not match perception. The justice system in this country considers intent and awareness when doling out punishment so it's an established principle.

ADD is a disorder of attention and impulse. A lack of awareness (attention) that one's inconsiderate (impulsive) actions will hurt people we love. Stimulant medication improves awareness so that we are able to consider the consequences of our actions before we do anything.

It's been suggested to me by my intelligent, high-performing, somewhat critical neurotypical spouse that selfishness and other bad behavior are not always the result of ADD, but stem from not having a strong moral compass that would make decision-making easier (we're both atheists but she grew up with a set of well defined values that include honesty and selflessness which I struggle with). This premise, that one can be whomever one chooses to be, is repeated in writings on moral and ethical behavior but doesn't consider ADD. It's an appealing thought, but would require a formulistic approach to life. It goes counter to the free-thinking, free-wheeling, question-everything approach I followed prior to being diagnosed. It requires hard decisions which I struggle with. I worry about losing my sense of self. Not sure if this resonates with others.

The question: Has anyone on stimulant medication tried to reinvent themselves with this approach, defining important values, ethics and moral principals and mapping out how to adhere to them through thoughts and feelings, actions, or words? Has it worked for you? Do you worry about becoming someone you're not?

[wtfadhd]

agreed, intent matters in criminal justice system but not so much with a dissatisfied spouse who feels slighted. The old saying goes” the road to hell is paved with good intensions”! lol. im also atheist but that line makes me smile crooked!

ADHD is a disorder of attention, impulsiveness, and difficulty regulating emotions. That last one is the one that got wiped out of the DSM in late 60’s after being the most prominent symptom from 1700 until 1968. Cant measure it so the neuro types that designed DSM left it out. convenient eh?

ADHD’ers dont have attention deficits- its that our brains are not wired to have the ability to pay attention to things we dont find interesting or important. and that ability, while annoying, comes easier to neuro type folks. so yea, essentially us ADHD’ers look like character flawed, selfish, sh*t heads to others. Neuro people do not have more self discipline n better developed self control because they work oh so hard at is as they like to believe and like us to believe. They are wired at birth for this skillset to come pretty easy given that they have a very basic moral compass. neuro privilege. so i get super irritated when folks say us ADHD’ers just arent trying hard enough. Because whereas neuros put minimal effort into that skill set with beautiful results us ADHD’ers put ALOT of effort into it and still fall short. facts! That is like me, as a genetically thin person telling an overweight person who eats 1/2 the calories that i do- that they just “ arent trying, not having the self discipline that i do, they are making excuses, need to buckle down n make better effort!” can you freaking imagine?!?!? lol heck no!!! its like people who are idiots yet rich from passed down wealth- being born on third base acting like they hit a triple! gtfooh!!! 😂

but hey, you said you have been very successful at your profession- sooo whatever it is you do as a profession you obviously like, are interested in, have cultivated n put effort into etc….. right?

Does being the kind of partner your spouse desires ( whatever that may be) - is that not naturally interesting to you? because if it is- then you will also excel at learning what it takes to do so. Us ADHD’ers are AWESOME at figuring out things that interest us.

that approach you were asking about…. i think all of us who are actively trying to figure this ADHD thing out are doing EXACTLY that even though on the surface it looks different depending on the person n their situation and most impairing symptoms. Those things you described, defining values, aligning ethics, morals, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, actions, etc- thats essentially just achieving overall “ wholeness”. CBT, DBT, all that stuff is what humanistic approached therapy teaches.

you got this stoneman. you got this!

[Phoenix415]

I've surrounded myself with innately kind considerate people and then modeled their behavior. It has worked for me. Sometimes I truly can't empathize so I pretend the event has happened to me or someone I love dearly. That puts it into perspective real quick. I truly care about people and have some narcissistic qualities as well. I take great care how I communicate but feel like I am doing it wrong sometimes. Wish I hadn't said certain things but then realize that is me as well and have to own it. I like that approach you wrote about. I don't think I have mapped it out but I don't want to be an asshole so I do these things or try my hardest.

Different person? I'm sure you won't be able to totally erase yourself. You will still say and do regrettable things but be more mindful and considerate and compassionate. Like a flawed human with a big heart that truly cares and wants to be better. I don't see the wrong in that.

I'm sure your wife will grow to really love this version of you.