ADD School Humiliation

[Han1997]

This is just a venting story for me. If anyone wants to, please feel encouraged to chime in on your thoughts, advice, or shared experiences.

I am remembering weird instances in my childhood that I had apparently blocked out until now. Just today I remembered that in the 3rd grade, there were days where you couldn't be excused for lunch recess until you answered a question from the teacher correctly. I remember the teacher would do this pretty frequently and I also remember that I was ALWAYS the last one to answer a question.

I remember the feeling of panic, not being able to process the questions fast enough to raise my hand. I remember being humiliated by it. On top of this, the other kids were mean as they so often are to each other and would laugh when it would take you so long to make it outside for recess.

I remember this same question system in my geometry class sophomore year. That class made me cry more times than I could count because I could never understand it. I BARELY passed. I never truly understood it. I only remembered patterns in how to do the equations. If you asked me why something was the way that it was, I wouldn't have been able to tell you.

And that's exactly what geometry was, it was "proving" why a shape or an equation was the way that it was. The teacher made us all stand up at our desks. He would ask you to prove something and you could sit down if you answered it correctly. You would have to talk in front of 20 other kids and you would have to actually understand it enough to answer the questions. Again, I was always the last one standing, sometimes the bell would ring and I would still be standing. And yes, it was humiliating all over again.

I am re-experiencing these feelings of grossness of humiliation and of self hatred all over again after obviously blocking them out for a long time. I know it seems probably like no big deal that I was the last one, but to me it ruined a certain type of confidence in myself and replaced it with a lot of self doubt and feeling stupid. No one should ever be made to feel stupid and especially a child in formative and vulnerable years of their lives.

I am going to learn to process these memories as they come up. It helps to have someone to write to even if it falls on deaf ears. This is all I have to say for now.

[2000sunflowers]

That’s horrible, I am so sorry you had to go through that when you were so young. I remember when I was in 5th grade, my teacher would call out everyone’s name that did badly on the test and we had to go to his office to see him. Every single time, my name was called. One time I thought I didn’t hear my name called, and got sooo happy. Then I hear him call my name even louder because I didn’t hear it the first time. In middle school, my friends would make fun of my airheadedness by calling dumb blonde moments “[insert my name here] moments.” After that year, I finally got diagnosed with ADHD, and it all made sense. In high school, my geometry teacher would call out names in order of highest to lowest test scores, and would praise the ones that got 100s. I was never one of those kids, I always got called towards the end.

Kids are the absolute worst sometimes because they just don’t understand that the people they tease have a lot going on inside their head already. Going through this stuff makes us really considerate, thoughtful people, because we know what it’s like to be treated badly. In the end, knowing that I treat people the best way I can, and genuinely care about others’ feelings, makes me feel grateful for those mean kids. In a way, we all carry that pain with us throughout our lives. But in my opinion, the pain of self doubt and self hatred would have hit us at some point in our lives regardless of if it was in childhood or adulthood. That’s just part of the package that is ADHD. But kindness, thoughtfulness, creativity, fun, and adventure are all part of the package too