Until a few years ago, I didn't realize good friendships required active effort to keep going. Casual socializing doesn't come natural to me, so I've spent a lot of time researching people's experiences.
I'm 23 now, and meeting people isn't the same as in high school or in the first year of college. Has anyone had luck with being consistent in their friendships?
This is such a good question. I was actually just having a conversation with my husband today about friendships and how to handle them.
In the past I’ve used the metaphor of a revolving door for my friends- for a season of my life I’ll have “these” friends and for another season I’ll have “those” friends. I’ve only really had one constant friend and she’s someone I grew up with.
So, I haven’t had great luck with a lot of long-lasting friendships (but maybe we should search for quality over quantity...?)
I’m going to try to narrow down a list of people (friends) that I genuinely enjoy being around and then schedule time to call them or get together with them. I do think it’s important to invest in certain relationships because friends are a wonderful blessing to have. (But you also want to make sure you’re blessing them back 😉)
For instance, one of my good friends told me recently that I’m like the sister she never had. That means SO much to me and indicates that that’s a relationship that I WANT to keep and actively invest in.
Good luck!
☀️
I have some very close friends who I've known for 35 years and others for 20 years and some new friendships with people within the last few years. At the same time, I've also had plenty of revolving friendships as well. In our cases, there is a big differential. U R 23 and
going off into the world and I'm 62 and have been on plenty of roller coasters. Also 4 me,
relationships evolve due to different dynamics in one's life. I have a close friend who I've known for 35 years. But once she was married in 1990, things greatly changed. We live an hour away from each other. Her focus was now on her husband and the activities she did with his family. I was single and had a different lifestyle. With the advent of COVID, we have become closer again. I have also lost some friendships during COVID. There was a
woman who was very nice and giving me great tips, but I got the impression that she didn't
understand my mental health issues. It's better that this friendship is over. Another
friendship, where I had met my friend in bereavement group after my mother died, was torpedoed when I texted her about John Wayne making racist comments against
African Americans and Indigenous peoples of the United States. She works at Providence
St. John in Santa Monica, CA and the Wayne family has contributed a lot of money to various hospital buildings including the John Wayne Cancer Center. I have so much on my plate with trying to keep my head straight because of COVID and trying to find a job and financial stressors that I can't worry about this. In your lifetime U will have various types of friendships but it does take work at times and especially now to keep them going on.
First of all, no, I'm not good at this at all. But thanks for the question, because it makes me think.... So, just brainstorming here:
** Frequent, low-key contact, like texting random thoughts back and forth
** Regular scheduled "dates" (monthly cookout or picnic, weekly hike, etc. -- those are ones you can do outdoors maintaining the regulation 6' social distance, and hiking you can still do in cold weather)
** Set up future reminders for yourself in whatever app you use for that -- a pop-up saying "have you talked to a friend (or a specific name) lately?" set it to pop up at a time of day when it's appropriate to call, so you can act right away, or use an app that lets you snooze the reminder for an hour). Or if you don't like the phone, like a lot of us, use it as a reminder to send a catching-up email.
** For birthdays and anniversaries: pre-write an email -- standard stuff it says on cards is all you need to say (Hallmark says it best! 🎂) for scheduled delivery. But also give yourself a pop-up reminder for a day before, just in case you need to change it. Like, she just told you her husband's having an affair, and you want to stop that happy anniversary card..... Oh, and blind copy yourself on it, so you won't be surprised when she calls you up to thank you for being so thoughtful ☺️
** If you share a particular interest, maybe suggest a) practicing it together, b) taking a class or going to an event together, or c) volunteering together
** Ask for, or offer, help with something specific -- like feedback on your resume, or moving furniture, or anything
** If you can't get together in person, because there's a pandemic or you live on opposite coasts or whatever, use zoom or whatever video chat, take pictures, selfies to text each other (my hair, 6 months after the salon closed...). My sister and I text each other pictures of weird mushrooms and bugs and things that we find in the woods.
Also, know that even for people without ADHD, making and maintaining friendships as adults is different and takes some thought. Don't be afraid to push --gently -- to get something on the calendar. It can be tentative, and then set yourself a reminder closer to the date to firm up your plans or reschedule.
Or you might like some of these ideas: gretchenrubin.com/2010/01/e...
Hello, Supabolide~
Welcome to the group! That is a very good question.
I moved around a lot as a child, so did not have the luxury of knowing someone through gradeschool and beyond.
Over the years, I have made and lost friends. Became friends with people from work, and my partner at the time was an A**, and not nice. So, they of course become uninterested in anything further.
I do try too hard, as both my fiance and future mil have told me, to impress people and get them to like me. True friendship does endure, a couple of friends have been with me through the good, the bad and the good again. I was myself with them, and didn't try to impress them, just asked them questions, provided help when I could for them. An ongoing dialogue that you need to keep going is what I would describe my good friends. They are good people too that I genuinely like.
Friendship also changes over the years. Since you are in university, I would join some groups that you might enjoy. Common interests help to create good friends.. Just an idea.
Hope this you out. Good luck on our awesome journey of life.
Take care~
GatsbyCat
I am 31 and still have not figured it out. 😬 I feel bad because I love everyone and I can be a social butterfly at work, but I just don’t give effort to maintain a friendship. Not because I don’t care but because I can barely juggle the things that are most important such as being a mom and a wife. I know this doesn’t help at all, but I’d really love to see others tips.
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