I don’t tell anyone I have adhd and people perceive me as being a dits

[Lovinit]

additudemag.com/living-with...

[happy_kitty]

I like that article. I’m not quite as upfront about as the woman who wrote it, but I usually tell people about my ADHD if I plan on building any sort of relationship with them. Hec, quite a few times the response to my disclosure was “Really? Me too!” I’ve made friends this way and all my friends regardless of how we met are aware of it.

The only people I am having trouble telling are my new professors. The ones I’ve had before I can talk to about it because I know them, but the new ones I have a hard time bringing it up. I am working on getting accommodations from Student Support Services though so maybe it will be easier once I have something to tell them besides “I have ADHD. Bye!”

Anyway, not meaning to take over your post. Thanks for sharing that article! I totally support disclosing to anyone that you are going to spend a significant amount of time with at least.

[Lovinit in reply to happy_kitty]

Your response is great, sorry, but I Fing hate how much work its taking me to manage my adhd and i hate how often people are the way they are about their opinions of adhd. ‘’opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.” Salt N Pepper, old school rap, baby!

You have a good week. Let me know about your professors again after you settle in and they are up to date on what accommodations you need to succeed.

[happy_kitty in reply to Lovinit]

I have an appointment on Friday with the woman in charge of accommodations so fingers crossed.

[lisariver]

I've tried telling some people and because most people don't really have an understanding of what it is, they seem to think I'm making up an excuse or they have so "oh that, everybody has that", dismissing it like it's a fad. So, I might not mention it because I don't want to be received that way. Sometimes I just sense resentment and putting a label on it only makes it worse because people feel some kind of demand is being made of them.

I'm trying to learn about it so when I encounter unpleasant attitudes I can educate swiftly...but of course, learning about it is an extra challenge in itself, for me, I need to reduce some of it to concise pockets of information I can memorize, or at least access easily and share. My brother tolerated part of one "How to Adhd" video. I don't find too many that want to bother or take the time to hear about it. And I can understand not wanting to spend hours watching videos.

Or other people put me off because they believe they know all about it already. So far I've told 4 friends and 2 family members. Of those, I feel only one friend really got it.

[Lovinit in reply to lisariver]

I’m in the place as you. I’m discovering the more i learn to understanding how my brain works the easier it will get. I’m pretty positive i also have NLD , When i see my doctor I’m going to tell him. I feel like i watch and read way too much adhd and still i cant seem to speak up and explain to others what’s me deal when I’m stuggling with things at work. It’s not fair that because my brain couldn’t obtain all the information the other person got because i was giving the tool i needed to obtain it all. Like if you come up to me while I’m working on something and you say something to me I’m not going to know what. Your talking about because my mind was focusing on what i was doing. I have to have them repeat what they said a few times until what there are saying sinks in. Okay, so what I’m gonna try and do is get with my therapist and ask her to help me practice, role play can phrases for those situations that come up in my life mostly with work. Like, i have to write it down or i will miss steps. They think I’m a dits or I’m slow because I didn’t get it the first time they tell me something. When they come up to me I’m not prepared to revive the information so instead of feeling like a failure i want to speak up and come up with a way to say hold on, let me get my pen and notebook, okay tell me again what you are asking of me to do? Hold on, you’re going too fast. Okay, I’m ready now, what next? Okay is this everything? Let me see if i got all of this and i reread what i wrote. Hey, I think doing what i just did with you just now made me realize I’m not bad or what the hell is so wrong with taking two minutes to allow me to writ do what they are asking of me? Seriously i feel like people can be such assholes and I don’t want to be an asshole to myself anymore, i want my life to be better. Tell me what you think about what i wrote. Are you feeling how I’m feeling? Do you have similar situations?

[Lovinit in reply to Lovinit]

I’m so sorry for my writing errors. II keep saying i will reread and edit before i send but keep forgetting too. I apologize again

[lisariver in reply to Lovinit]

I totally get that, and don't apologize, I have the same struggle. As long as we can clear it up through communication is the important thing!

[lisariver in reply to Lovinit]

I mostly understood and felt everything you wrote. This part was a little confusing for me but I think I figured it out:

I feel like I watch and read way too much adhd and still I can't seem to speak up and explain to others what’s me deal when I’m struggling with things at work. It’s not fair that because my brain couldn’t obtain all the information the other person got because I was giving the tool I needed to obtain it all.

I don't know about NLD but I'm glad if you track down any and all of the challenges you feel you have. I totally understand not getting what people are saying to you when you're doing something. I often don't know what people are saying to me until the 3rd time of asking them to repeat, even if I'm Not doing anything.

I really like the idea of a therapist working with you to practice responses and roleplaying. I hope they understand ADHD, too. Your ideas of getting your pen, and going over the tasks, etc are really good, I see it as mindful and conscientious... being mindful really enriches exchanges with people, I think, not to mention the efficiency it adds to work. And just a reminder, there's more to exchanges than memorizing what was said to you, there are a lot of other cues, like body language, etc, that you may subconsciously be reading or that you may be distracted by.

I am working hard too, on being gentle with myself, it's part of my neuropathway quest.

[Lovinit in reply to lisariver]

Body language, the way someone says something Can be hard for me. I don’t get a lot jokes, I can be very literal sometimes EX: working with others, I tend to be neutral, the others tend to bond better and they give each other looks and they understand what there thinking but I am clueless and I feel sensitive about it and in my head i think they’re making fun of me or it’s totally something else but because I can’t follow I feel always left out. I wish immature stuff like that didn’t happen in the work place but it always has been something I have to deal with.

[lisariver in reply to Lovinit]

That can be very painful, i had stuff like that happen in school.

I understand, not everybody reads it. Part of my training was growing up, a part of survival in my troubled home.

[FearlessTiff in reply to Lovinit]

I feel the same way!!! You seriously just taken my thoughts and feelings and put on paper!! Thank you

[cjnolet in reply to Lovinit]

I go through this as well and I've spent a couple years introspecting on why. Now that I have my own kids (who I believe very strongly to be ADHD), I'm starting to getting a grasp on why I believe I've always been this way.

When I was a child, I thought a lot and often this inattentiveness to the world around me caused me to not pay as close attention to social norms as the other kids around me. Thus, while it almost feels like Aspergers sometimes, I attribute my slow growth in social and emotional intelligence to my inattentiveness throughout my life. I go through the same thing- someone makes a reference to a joke and my lack of self-esteem and inattentiveness either causes sarcasm to be taken literally or it causes an emotional flooding that stops me from properly parsing the message from the sender.

It's okay, though! I'm kind, I have a big heart, and I've developed my own sense of humor. What I've found is that when I am myself and I am forgiving and kind, people appreciate me anyway. If they don't, that demonstrates their character, not mine. I think everybody can use a course in emotional intelligence, to be honest. Some people are thieves, some are just not nice, others are too opinionated, we ADHDers tend to be inattentive. Every human on this earth is raised by imperfect primates to become, go figure, imperfect primates, perhaps raising more imperfection. There's a certain beauty in that.

Also- I don't know if I would condemn yourself to be "clueless" just because your genius is working more than others causing you to miss things that others may have noticed. If you feel you want to balance your inattentiveness with your "now" moments, just meditate a bit and get yourself focused again.

I was reading this morning about "filling the reverse gap" in our consciousness. If you think of our normal progression of thoughts as existing now and moving into the future (spending our time thinking about future things), it's easy to get caught in a trap where we're postponing our happiness until these "future" things. This creates a gap because while those future things yesterday became now, we're still in the future of today and thus we are never experiencing the now, ever! If we reverse that gap and instead focus on how we're feeling now and propagate that feeling into the past (like re-training your steps to find a set of keys), we can easily start owning those feelings AND get a handle on why they exist, what created them, as well as better choosing how to respond to them in order to manipulate them.

I found that a lot of my self-confidence was tied directly to how I perceived people treated me in grade school. So when an adult would be doing something that I might have mistook for similar behavior, I'd start reverting back to a grade-schooler in my head and I'd start getting resentment towards both them and myself. How can we possibly be happy when these "triggers" are taking control of how we feel?

This may not be the case for you and I do apologize if it appears I'm projecting the outcomes of my journey onto this community- but between therapists, coaches, and an exhaustive hunger from literature, I feel like these things are not isolated to just my own experience.

[susanstrong in reply to Lovinit]

I completely understand what you are saying! I have always had the same problem! I have to hear things many times and I have to write them down and I can't stand it when people think that is an inconvenience! Going to the Dr's is horrible...I leave not knowing what they said! I do take notes now on my phone if I need to but then to be able to refer back to it is another step.

[Gabesmom594]

I don't tell people either and for the exact same reason. I have always managed to put on a pretty good front so most people think I've got it together for the most part with a little airhead quirk on the side. They have no idea to what extent I don't have it together.

[Lovinit in reply to Gabesmom594]

Yes, some jobs I’m really good at and my ADHD isn’t an issue other jobs I’ve had my ADHD was screwing things up.

[Gabesmom594 in reply to Lovinit]

I know exactly what you mean. After I finally learned my last job, I was really good at it. Now, I am having to look for another one (and no, I didn't get fired from the last one - LOL) but as I look for something else, I just keep thinking about and dreading that learning curve of a new one.