Imposter syndrome

[cjnolet]

Any of you guys suffer from this?

I've been recently having a hard time with this. I've managed to work my way up to a PhD program and I've been pretty successful in my career but I know I don't think like everyone else around me. My social skills have been getting a tad better with age.

Recently I've been honored to be accepted into a data science team at my day job with mathematicians who I find to be some of the smartest I've ever met. Their ability to memorize mathematical patterns, relate concepts, etc... is impeccable to me. They also hold PhDs in their craft.

It's been a humbling experience to say the least- the school work itself is challenging enough to be humbling but overcoming the communication barrier between a computer scientist and a team of mathematicians has really been hard- and not hard from just the practical or technical perspective. I mean hard from a general "do I belong here? where the hell am I? how did I get here? am I even one of them? why should they have any reason to respect what I say?"

These thoughts have been circling around my head daily while I tell myself things like "You're a fraud, you got to this point in your life by fooling people into thinking you are smart". Then comes my recent ADHD diagnosis, which makes things worse because now I'm telling myself it's my brain and I'm definitely not one of them. I started taking medications to try to focus better and be "normal" in hopes that maybe I'd be able to fit in better. I was miserable.

But then I remembered something- I got here because of struggle. I have not lived a perfect life, it's one ridden with high emotions, massive periods of intense hyperfocus & an inability to allow people to tell me that I'm not capable of accomplishing things. My father growing up used to point out things that I'd do that were not "normal" in an attempt to make me aware. What he gave me instead was a personality that would tirelessly strive to prove naysayers wrong and show people that I know how to accomplish things. Pair that with my ADHD brain and the constant need for stimulation, and you've got yourself a hell of a person.

So I've realized several things in my journey of self-understanding and acceptance:

1) A life that is filled with nothing but pure happiness and no struggle is a life in which accomplishments don't take precedence over doing nothing. If there's no struggle, why strive for accomplishment?

2) My brain may be different but it's not broken. I may not be able to recall mathematical formulas as quickly or accurately as my peers, but my tireless ability to problem solve has put me at an advantage- I don't just theorize, I do.

3) What looks to others like an inability to complete things (failed entrepreneurial endeavors, etc...) doesn't look the same to me. Sometimes the reason for the effort was to learn, not necessarily for the result.

These things make me proud of the brain I've been given. I'm different. I celebrate that. It doesn't mean I'm bad, stupid, or condemned. It means I'm different.

I'm realizing that my therapy has done more over the past year than medications ever will. Being able to understand myself and the world around me makes it much easier to explain to others how I'm different and what my different needs are- especially in work environments. I think people appreciate this because it's easy to become so consumed in our own thoughts that we appear to others to be narcissistic when in reality it's just because we think differently.

[iBusyBrain]

You are very smart, and articulate! I just happen to be a computer science college graduate myself and with a very successful career! You are certainly not alone in your struggles, but I have merely worked past this stage in my life and career.

I can assure you that your professional collegues do not have some of the strengths you have developed over your lifetime as coping mechanisms with ADHD. I would even wager that I could name off several of your strengths that give you an advantage over others without ADHD!

[AshleyDHD]

I completely understand and can somewhat relate. I am not nearly as successful as you but, I have reached a level of success in my career that I never thought I would. Now that I have, I sometimes wonder how. Have I fooled everyone into believing that I am capable of more than I actually am? Who would put me in a position of authority, with so much responsibility, if I'm not even responsible enough to manage my own life?

I'm jealous of my assistant's time management skills. My subordinates are older than me with years of experience and knowledge. Can they see through me and my facade?

Maybe I am capable. Maybe my ADHD brain is what makes me perfect for the position I'm in. Somedays I think I've earned my success and somedays I think I've successfully accomplished "fake it 'till you make it".