helping 19 yr old son

[Socaqueen]

My son is struggling at college, he doesn’t want to accept help from the program the college has. He is so negative. Out of 365 days 364 days are the worst days of his lives. Anyone, who has a similar experience?

[STEM_Dad]

College is a time of change in a young person's life. It forces many of them to view themselves and the world in a new light.

I struggled in college (long before my ADHD diagnosis), and then ended up working at one for 10 years. [Note: when I was in school, I felt like I had to "do it all on my own", and rarely sought help. I've since learned that there were a number of different things that I could have done to get help...and maybe I could have graduated after all, but I didn't get the help I needed when I needed it.]

I was a "nontraditional student", continuing to study part time as a family man in his 30s, alongside traditional college age students.

Based on my experience working alongside and getting to know them, the negativity that you describe can be from any of the following (or something different):

• Overwhelm - common with first year students, especially neurodivergent students (and surprisingly common in students who were labeled as "gifted" sometimes in K-12 school).

• Social impact - adopting attitudes of a new social group (e g. political & other views); feeling excluded by others; feeling excluded from the dating scene; feeling "lost in the crowd"; exposure to unfamiliar philosophies, etc.

• Identity exploration - I knew a few young men who adopted a persona which seemed dark, morbid, defeatist, or pessimistic ... despite some of them being extremely capable of building up their peers (highly empathetic).

• Perfectionism - a very common trait in neurodivergent people, especially as college age youths.

• Questioning everything - perspective changes once someone reaches adulthood, sometimes prompting a reassessment of all that they know and believe. (My own son got into college and then began to question why he was even there, not because he lacked the capability, but because he didn't have a goal to earn a college degree or to pursue a career that requires one. He's now exploring the working world, and has found the he likes doing things that are to help other people... "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree." I'm the same way.)

• Anxiety/Social anxiety/Depression

~~~~~

Your son's mental and physical well being are the first concern.

(One reason I struggled in college was due to indecisiveness. I was interested in so many things that I kept changing my major... between different computer or engineering disciplines. I figured out too late that I could have gotten a bachelor's in math or physics, and then pursued a master's in whatever field I finally settled on. It's okay to get a more general degree, because it can qualify a person in many different fields instead of a narrow range of careers. I'm very good at math and very knowledgeable about physics. ...I mention this as an example in case your son's struggle is with concerns for his future prospects.)

[Socaqueen in reply to STEM_Dad]

Thanks!

[Claudi701]

my son is 1818yrs Old and his struggling as well. He doesn't want to get help and he's been disrespectful toward me. He calls me foul names everyday. The only time I have some peace is when he's sleeping. I also don't know what to do.