My daughter is 10 and entering 5th grade. She has ADHD and is doing very well academically with meds. Socially it is a disaster. She had no invites for play dates or get togethers all summer. At a recent “back to school” night, girls in her class visibly excluded her (ran around, hugged each other, while she stood there alone and ultimately broke into tears). She is in a small private school and has known most of the girls in her class since she was 3 (there are 12 girls in her class). Things really deteriorated at the end of 4th grade last year, as an example the teacher let the class choose seats in groups near the end of the year and no one wanted to sit with her, etc. It’s now the fall and while girls in her class aren’t actively bullying her, they ignore her at recess and when she approaches tell her to go away, they want to speak in private, etc. At lunch there is assigned seating and she is ignored and one girl sits with her back to my daughter. She is left with no one. It is only the first weeks of school and every night she comes home in tears. We reached out to the teacher and she says everything is great, the girls are like one big family and my daughter is part of it. We escalated to the principal and the teacher still says there are no problems at all. I have visibly witnessed the ignoring the few times I was able to visit the school. My daughter is on messenger kids and I saw a message of one girl saying, “I’m sorry I bullied you, ha” We can’t make anyone be friends with my daughter, of course, but want to understand the problem so we can better coach her. It will be difficult to go through the school year like this each day. I’m upset the teacher denies a problem when one so blatantly exists. We have reached out to other parents to try to arrange playdates or excursions outside of school but their daughters are “busy”. The parents are very cliquey but we are always polite and cordial. My daughter is only invited to get togethers when the entire class is. What should I do as my daughter s mental health is suffering?
10 year old girl with no friends - CHADD's ADHD Pare...
10 year old girl with no friends
Hello Chicagomom,I'm so sorry your daughter is going thru that, it really sucks. I feel your pain, my son was the odd person out too. It breaks your heart!
What helped my son was getting into outside of school activities. What does your daughter like to do? Is there a group she can join that shares her interest? Sometimes the more obscure the interest the more likely you will click with the group. My son was a cyclist and raced his bike (not so obscure but not part of school either).
Being at a small school is like a small town, no one forgets your missteps. If you cried in kindergarten you are the cryer thru high school, it's ridiculous.
Because she has ADHD her executive function is lagging behind her age by about 30% so her emotional gatekeeper, organizer, social skills, at 10 is closer to 7 years old. It gets confusing pretty fast because the gatekeeper is younger - big emotional responses, disorganized, etc - but she fully comprehends the entire situation. So intellectually she is at age or, often, older, but her executive function muscles are that of someone much younger.
All that to say she may click with slightly younger kids and that's OK.
Don't feel like she has to find a posse of friends, she needs one close friend to insulate herself from the mean girls, I mean the 'busy' girls.
The teacher probably has her own issues with mean girls from her past and doesn't want to rock the boat - this stuff can really hang on when not processed properly.
Talk to your daughter about her different wiring, explain that she truly sees the world completely differently than most kids. It's not the same as a friend but it can soften some of the hurt.
The other girls don't know what to do with your daughter's creativity and authenticity - they aren't as comfortable with themselves as she is - too bad for them. Not being friends with her is their loss.
Keep telling your daughter that she is fantastic just the way she is, there is nothing wrong, weird or broken about her. The other kids don't know what to do when someone doesn't conform - aka give up part of their personality - to fit in. This info won't stop the tears but gives your daughter a way to process the hurt feelings so she doesn't file them as a reflection on her or her lacking in some way. There are kids out there she will click with but probably not at a small school that doesn't forget your foibles.
Keep up the great work of exploring support for her, and yourself, that speaks volumes and she is listening and knows you are looking out for her.
BLC89
Full disclosure: I am an ADHD Parent Coach. I have been married to ADHD for nearly 30 years and raised two kids who have ADHD.
Thank you so much for your kind words. To date my daughter has had dance as her primary out of school activity. She’s done it since she was 3 and last year it started not going well. Unlike school where she is simply ignored, the girls at dance were actively mean to her.. We approached the studio director and it became more a conversation on my daughters skills (or lack thereof, she’s an average dancer but can’t do more advanced skills like aerials, etc) vs the problematic behavior of others. She is also really plugged in with the moms of the mean girls so I was not surprised. We will look for other activities.
That sucks! Isn't it amazing that high school behavior becomes a way of life for some people?Keep looking, make it a game for her, how many different things can she think of that would be fun to try. That way she can't lose because she is just trying stuff. If it doesn't work or the people are a bad fit, that's OK, now you know. On to the next thing on the list.
Would love to hear when you find her thing. Have fun!
BLC89
When people clearly show their true selves like that dance teacher and the other kids, I think it makes the decision to leave that situation very easy.
It would definitely be better for your daughter to be involved in an activity where the teacher/leader/coach models encouragement and acceptance.
What else do you and your daughter think she would enjoy? You mentioned that she's artistic and creative. Are there any youth activities that would be a good fit for her based on those likes of hers?
A physical activity would still be good for the body (and studies show that they are also good for the ADHD mind). Is she interested in any sports? Yoga? I have a female cousin who loved learning martial arts (Tae Kwan Do), like her older brothers.
My daughter also loves horses. It’s a very accepting community (both the kids and the trainers). You can ride as much or as little as you want. You can be competitive, or not. The downside is the expense.
A community like that is a beautiful thing! Expense can certainly make things harder.
Horses are fantastic! And, I am completely biased, I grew up with them, and still ride 😉I completly understand it can be cost prohibitive. If your daughter loves it, do as much as you can, if you can swing it go to a show or two - the kids really bond at the shows. At any age you can often work in exchange for part if the lesson fee or other expenses, that may help with the cost.
My daughter is at a two year college/internship learning to be a horse & people trainer (she prefers horses) and she is thriving. Horses took the place of boys, drugs and late nights - Horses need breakfast early, if competitive they can test for drugs, and her boyfriends were geldings :-). So it was a great for for her, and yes it is a budget buster.
If you're interested in talking more, let me know. We are part of the English hunter jumper world and I know a little bit about eventing too.
BLC89
I’m so sorry that’s happening. You and your daughter and family must be miserable. It sounds like the school is not sympathetic or not really understanding the reality of what is going on. Does the school have a counselor or psychologist? Could you start there? And what is your daughter’s friendship situation in the past? In previous school years and outside of school? Has she ever had difficulty in social situations? Sending you big hugs.
Yes, a school counselor sounds good although she does she a private therapist. Grades K to 3 were OK. She had 2 friends that she would hang out with. One moved away last year and the other moved on to other friends.
Hi. It’s so painful to see your child be excluded. This sounds like it may be a form of bullying called relational bullying. What are the written policies and providers at your school regarding bullying? It should be in your school handbook. Have you spoke to the head of school? Is there a school counselor? That’s where I’d start to try to get control of the sitstuon at school.
Outside of school I would look for new avenues for your child to socialize in areas that interest her.
pardon typos. I have a band-aid on my thumb! I meant policies and procedures.
I agree with what the other posters have said thus far. Find friends outside the school via other activities. And follow up with the school about the bullying and excluding. However, I don't think the other girls will change this year - no matter what happens. I think that your daughter should try to make friends with some of the boys at school. If that doesn't pan out, then I would look into switching schools. Meanwhile, she needs a safe place after eating lunch - maybe the library, office, or a teacher's room? Someplace away from those girls. She needs to get her confidence back, ideally before 6th grade/middle school starts.
I also suggest reading this book with her (take turns reading it out loud to one another) and then discuss after each chapter. It deals a lot with bullying and differences (the girl in this book has dyslexia). amazon.com/Fish-Tree-Lynda-...
I wish you both the best...
IMHO this is one of those situations that public school is probably a better fit for her. You need a larger social pool for her to be accepted and thrive. My kiddo is in public school and kids accept her better than they would in a private school. I’ve worked in both public and private schools, and the strictness in social at private schools is usually not a place for kids with adhd. Yes, academics will suffer a bit, but social is more important in this situation, imo. There will still be bullies, but your kid will find people that accept her as she is in public school.
Yes, I am starting to think we should explore this, if not now definitely for middle school next year.
She is worried about public school though as the girls that bully her at dance all go to the local public school. So she’s terrified actually. At her current private school she is ignored but she is not (for the most part) actively teased, etc. So every time I mention public school she starts crying.
Interesting point. I think at private schools, kids know they will be in big trouble if they tease. Though there will always be kids that actively tease in public schools, there are other kids she will have camaraderie with as well. Maybe discuss this with her since she can have a say at this age. It’s ultimately your decision, but she doesn’t deserve any of it.
There is technically online public school and charter schools as an option as well.
My stepkid has always been into art and is at an art academy charter school. He would have been bullied in a public school but is actually a popular kid rn and the popular kids are bullied. It works out well for him. There are more options and my stepkid didn’t have a good group until middle school. My child is in 4th and was always popular. So it just depends on the kid.
Is there a school in the area that focus on kids with learning differences? In Chicago for HS there is Wolcott. Anything in the area for middle school? Sometimes being around other neurodivergent kids allows for a better social experience.
As for the school, and the parents, I just don't really think that there is much they can do unless the kid is actively being bullied. Being excluded is very painful but no one can really "make" the kids include her or be friends with there. Even if forced it would probably not go well. Included and accepted are not the same. Better off helping her find her "people," who genuinely appreciate her and want to be around her.
Been there. It is so painful for parents and kid.
This is so hard- and as a parent it’s devastating to see your child in pain. In a time when kindness and girl power is so prominent it’s hard to understand how this could happen. Yet it does.
It seems you have done the things. You’ve reached out to the teacher, made the principal aware and have extended out to families. Most importantly, you have developed a relationship of trust with your daughter and she openly talks to you and shares her experience with you.
Our daughter also had what seems to be a very similar experience. ADHD and small school and she experienced a lot of meanness-bullying, taunting, excluding, and even physical aggression. The school knew little how to support her and did little. It was brutal.
We, got a dog. We hiked. We spent time in nature. We went to museums, we spent time with grandparents, traveled when we could, we went to libraries and book stores, we read, a lot. Our daughter while reading one summer day- when her younger sister went over to a friends house said- “you know, sissy has a lot of people she’s friends with- and so do I, but my friends are family and the characters in the books I read- and I get to be with them when ever I want”. It was beautiful and heartbreaking.
We eventually left the school and enrolled her in a bigger and more diverse school. We also started her on concerta. She joined the cross country team and teammates became peers and though unsteady at times- she found her stride both literally and metaphorically. She is now starting her senior year, we’ve been going on college tours, she has so many skills and the support of so many - her authentic sense of self is strong, and her understanding and compassion for others impresses me.It’s taken time- and yet she has been finding her people, slow and steady and I learn back from her daily lessons learned over the years- and we still talk with each other.
We have had really difficult times- the push and pull of teen years are no joke-and yet I look at her strength, courage and perseverance and am amazed.
Staying centered and calm as parents has been hard too- and a lot of self parenting. Having a support system for adulting has been critical - it’s not easy- it’s been worth the effort.
Seeing our kids in pain is the greatest heart ache- and seeing their strength, use of skills and leaning in when needed for support gives me hope- and I hope it’s does -if even just a little-for you too.
Hang in there Chicago Mom❤️
Lovely post 💕💕💕
Thank you for your kind words and so happy to hear your daughter is doing well.
hi thanks for sharing your experiences. We have a 9y old son that is processing very much like your daughter. Family and book friends. This year in 4rd grade he appears to have started to be more integrated, but clearly no friends. Can you comment on what grade you moved schools and how was adjustment?
Same school since preK, now in 5th grade
My heart is breaking for you. I’ve been there myself as a child in that situation and seeing it with my own son who is also a 5th grader. All she needs in one best friend. I suggest putting her in scouts (Boy Scouts or girl), or any other social after school activity. I suggest scouts cuz I’m a scout leader and my son is in scouts and it is so positive with a great group of parents and kids and the message of scouts is amazing. Boy Scouts accepts girls and it’s all about confidence budilding. It’s sign up time actually.
Definitely keep pursuing the school to watch this. And then I would work with her individually to love herself no matter what these girls think. Maybe a great therapist to talk with? All the while work on her making one friend somewhere. Dove soap has launched the most impressive campaign for self love for girls I have ever seen. They have worksheets and videos galore based off age. Look into those.
I’m really sorry this is her path right now. I know it’s hard and that it hurts. she needs to know she’s amazing and worthy and screw those stupid mean girls.
I have said this multiple times during my journey with my 17 year old son with ADHD that nothing will bring you to your knees as a parent more than the social ramifications of this disorder. It is heartbreaking to watch your child be rejected by others.
That said, I could have written your post when my son was that age, verbatim, right down to the teachers not recognizing the issues. I did not read others replies, but here are my suggestions as I have walked it.
She likely needs the help of a counselor or speech pathologist that can help her with her social pragmatic skills so she can read cues and be more widely accepted by her peers. ADHD Dude is a great resource for social skills and although he focuses on boys, there is great stuff in his curriculum that carries over to girls.
To preserve her mental health during this time, have her engage in activities that she loves that attract other kids with like interests. Robotics, Lego clubs at libraries, a sport, Girl Scouts whatever. That way, she has an environment that will be more accepting of her, social skill flaws and all. Neurodivergent kids attract other neurodivergent kids who also make social mistakes and together they may be more inclined to overlook the other’s and not notice as much.
I will also echo the suggestion that she likely needs more targets for friends than what you can have in a private school. Sheer numbers a lone will make it more likely that she can find a friend or two at school. A public school has more kids in general and she will have more kids to turn to if she gets shunned by others with more advanced social skills.
Spend time around family particularly if she has cousins who accept her for what she is. That can be very affirming for her.
I’ll conclude this with an offer of hope because I NEEDED to hear that there was a light at the end of the tunnel when my son was young. As they get older, it gets better. My son has friends now and is thriving. I coached him a lot when he was younger and sought help when needed. Hoping so very much for both of you that she finds her tribe or just that one kid that is looking for her!!
I’m sorry. I feel your pain. I was in similar situation with my daughter. When she was in 3rd grade. I put her in outside activities (swimming, dance, softball) over the years. She also saw a social skills coach for about 1 year. We left the public elementary school in fourth grade and went to charter school (az) when it was clear that she would not have friends ever because the girls and parents were in a clique. We also changed schools because the academics at the school were subpar. From 4 to 7 grade my daughter mostly had boy friends. She gets along with boys better. But this year in 8th grade she has developed good solid girl friendships. My daughter sees a counselor at school and outside of school. And she now does musical theater for her outside activities So, there is hope but it’s a lot of work on your part facilitating a social life for her, making sure she has outside activities so she doesn’t feel so left out. And maybe working on her social skills. Also, is she on adhd medication? My daughter does better when she’s on her medication. Wishing you and your daughter all the best. It will get better.
I also agree with people who are saying that public schools support neurodiversity better. I couldn’t agree more. I would also see if there’s a therapy group in your area who specialize in children with ADHD and autism. I only say that because they will really understand the specific needs of these kids. I feel for you as a parent. Our family has 2 kids, both with autism and ADHD. Our son is very aware of his social deficits and it’s very hard to watch as a parent. I’m not saying your daughter has autism. I’m just saying it’s a special pain as a mom. Also, I would maximize her medication treatment to avoid her having annoying behaviors that impede her friendship skills. Finally, girls with autism are a large unrecognized population and are commonly diagnosed with ADHD only. I don’t mean your daughter has autism. I would just keep that as a possibility only if things don’t improve with a better school environment, therapy, ADHD treatment, extracurricular activities she enjoys, etc.
My daughter has other behaviors, sensory issues, frequent meltdowns. She’s had 2 neuropsych evals, one in 1st and another in 4th. I specifically asked about autism as I do sense something else is off (in addition to the ADD). Both times I was told no but I do question that.
Did the neuropsychologist do a diagnostic evaluation for autism? ADOS testing and careful interviews of you, dad if he’s involved in her life, have teachers fill out forms, etc?
Good points.
I believe I've read that girls with ASD are also often misdiagnosed with anxiety, social anxiety disorder, or other neurodivergent conditions such as selective mutism.
Similarly to ADHD, the early studies with autism focused heavily on boys, so the diagnostic training seems to focus much more on how to diagnose in boys and overlook how autism presents in girls.
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I have an 8 year old daughter who I believe has mild Inattentive ADHD.
She also seems to have autistic-like special interests (like likes making arts and crafts, and information on cats & dogs...not like how boys with ASD might have a special interest in dinos or Pokemon or cars).
She also seems to have selective mutism when she is upset (sad or angry or afraid), but she socializes readily and doesn't seem to have any learning differences.
I’ve read that girls can mask more easily than boys sometimes so “fly under the radar” longer and are diagnosed later sometimes. Girls can have restricted interests that are common phases non-autistic girls go through, so they aren’t recognized as the restricted interests they are (Eg horses, unicorns, etc). Also for both genders, there was a paper published not long ago showing that a diagnosis of ADHD actually delayed a diagnosis of autism because people ascribed all the behaviors to having ADHD. We definitely did this as parents with our son. He would get up from the table during meals, but I thought it was due to hyperactivity. I now notice he is pacing after getting up from the table. Does it every morning! Same thing about eye contact. I thought he had good eye contact unless he was distracted, which I ascribed to ADHD. Actually, his eye contact was very atypical but I just thought, “he never looks at me when I’m talking because he’s not paying attention.” Nope!!!! Sigh. I’m a pediatrician, with another kid with autism, and I misattributed these behaviors. So I see them in a very different light now. Forgive the rambling, hopefully this all makes sense 😂😂😂
Yes, my daughter has some odd traits which make me suspect autism. She does obsess over things and has a talent for music (over and above what you’d expect for a kid her age) . At 3, she was diagnosed with selective mutism and to this day it is difficult for her to engage with some adults (even those she knows well). At the beginning of her last neuropsychology eval I asked them to check for autism and they said they saw no signs. We did fill out questionnaires (to me, these seemed specific to ADD) as did her teacher and they spent several hours testing her. But I do sense she has something else other than ADD. We could push for another eval but what benefits would a formal autism diagnosis give her? Would this open up more doors to get additional help for her?
I don't think a formal diagnosis gives any official benefits (eg monetary, social programs, etc). It would allow insurance to potentially cover additional therapies like ABA (applied behavioral analysis therapy--a behavioral therapy for autism done for some kids with ASD) if the person who diagnosed her felt she might benefit from it (our son isn't doing ABA because his psychologist felt he didn't need it). An autism diagnosis also might help your insurance cover a social skills group or speech therapy aimed at social skills. I can only speak for myself as a parent who, after years of feeling frustrated and unsure how to explain our son's difficulties, finally could see them in a different light with that diagnosis. I definitely still feel sad and frustated often, but my husband and I can at least have compassion and educate ourselves better about why he behaves certain ways. As he gets older, he can choose whether to find peers within the self-identified ASD community, too. I also felt that, in a public school setting, telling the school staff helps them understand him better. However, I agree that it has not magically changed anything. And I think every child and family feel differently about this issue. It's hard to imagine that 2 evaluations wouldn't have found autism in a child, and I am sorry for sounding like I'm questioning her prior workup. This is probably because, as a physician, we are always taught to be a little skeptical of prior diagnoses--so please accept my apology if I am making things difficult! 
I faced a very long several years with our son, being told he didn't have anything in addition to ADHD, which also colors my perspective.
I am also wondering, like others here, if maybe your daughter would "find her tribe" at a larger, public school with a wider variety of peers. She sounds like a wonderful girl who I'm betting may, with maturity, feel more comfortable in her own skin. And maybe there would be some girls and boys with musical and art interests in a public school setting. Just a thought as I ponder your situation. I hope you find some good ideas. I bet she is a wonderful girl and I wish our son could hang out with her! He loves music, creative things, and is a very kind brother to our 9 year old with an intellectual disability. He is a kind, loving soul who also needs a tribe.
When you look at some of the stereotypes for girls, it's easy to see how their neurodiversity can be missed.
ADHD can exhibit as talkative. Girls are generally more verbal than boys, so she might be regarded as "sociable" or "outgoing".
ASD can exhibit as nonverbal and unsociable. But society expects some girls to be "shy" or "wallflowers".
Unordinary behavior from either condition can be regarded as a girl who is just "quirky" or perhaps "free-spirited".
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I have Inattentive ADHD, so as a young boy, I often didn't follow conversations well. When I didn't respond to an adult talking to me (probably because I wasn't paying attention and didn't notice that they were talking to me and not my mom), she would tell them that I was "shy". (The diagnosis of ADHD was just being introduced back then...she wouldn't hear the term for probably about 10+ years.)
Just chiming in to say I’ve got a 12 year old boy with same problems. He’s youngest in his grade and with ADD on top of that, although gifted, his maturity is way behind. It’s become more of an issue as peers are hitting puberty. He’s obviously just not socially adapting. He seems to get along better with kids who are younger- which makes sense when taking into account his ADD. We are considering having him repeat a grade to get in class with kids who he actually has some connection with. I realize there are trade offs doing that but I think friendships are important. It’s hard to watch your child get left out and not have friends. I feel like others have made good suggestions but wanted to let you know you are not alone.
Thank you for your response!
Sounds like me as a teen. Starting in 7th grade, my two best friends were: a guy with ADHD, and a guy who had skipped two grades. As much as I did okay socializing with peers academically, I didn't fit into the social scene ...then again, I'm an introvert and wasn't interested in going to parties or dances. I was fine having fewer friends with deeper connections, rather than more friends with shallower connection... that's what I have always preferred.(In groups like marching band and my church youth group, I socialized well with others my age +/- 1 year... and in Boy Scouts, from my age to 3 years younger than me.)
If your son is keeping up academically, then I strongly encourage you to involve him in the decision whether to stay back a year. It depends on how he feels about being in his current grade vs. being with his social peers. (If he prides himself on keeping up with his current grade academically, then he might feel dismayed by being held back.)
Of course, as his parent, it's ultimately your decision. (We parents sometimes have to make difficult decisions based on what we feel is best for our kids.)
Same. My daughter is same age and grade and everything. Except my daughter doesn't seem to care at all she's excluded. I agree, out of school activities.
I wanted to chime in and tell you I feel your pain.My daughter is 11yo with inattentive ADHD, she has very few good friends. She was invited to 1 birthday party last year, and is never invited for playdates. She's pretty open with me about her struggles but has yet to bring up the fact that she is not being invited out. Maybe it doesn't bother her. Her twin brother, also with ADHD, is very social. I guess boys may be more forgiving or clueless at his age. Being at a large public school has helped in the sense that she can find people more like her, and join activities that bring her in contact with other people like her (quirky, creative,artsy). In my experience small private schools have more social pressure to conform, and large public schools seem to have less of that. Again just my experience. One thing I did get right in this journey was building a team around her that was super supportive of her. She has an OT, psychotherapist and math tutor (all women) that praise her,encourage her and really see her for the kind,bright girl she is. Hang in there.
Hi Chicagomom,
Thank you for contacting CHADD National Resource Center on ADHD. I am really sorry that your daughter is experiencing this in school. Perhaps her doing some activities outside of school, joining a church group, or maybe start a group for mom/dads at her school for the kids with ADHD to help other mom/dads to come together to do fun things after school or during the weekend with their kids.
Not sure if you have heard of the buddy program. Here's a link that explains the program. whitbyschool.org/passionfor... This would probably be something to look into or mention to the school.
Another recommendation would be to make sure she gets therapy with a psychologist. Here is our link to our professional directory. chadd.org/professional-dire... We also offer chadd.org/parent-to-parent/ it provides training and support for parents.
If you have further questions, please let us know. We are here to help!
Liseth
Health Information Specialist
CHADD’s National Resource Center on ADHD
Thank you, I really appreciate the resources!
Hi, Chicagomom. Your daughter definitely isn't the only kid to go through this, but it's heartbreaking when any kid does.
My eldest daughter struggled to make friends a couple of times, both after moving, even though she is very friendly. (She's outgoing, and I believe Hyperactive-Impulsive, but undiagnosed. However, she was a cheerleader for one year in Jr High, but didn't join the clique, so she was a social outcast from the herd. She befriended other social outcasts through high school and beyond.)
My older son attended a private school for 7th-11th grades. We found the same sort of cliques (both among the students and the parents) that you are seeing. My son was not included, unless his best friend (who went to our church and was beloved by the clique) acted purposefully to include him.
My youngest kids have been homeschooled since kindergarten, and are about to go to public school for the first time. My younger son (who just turned 11) will be entering 5th grade, like your daughter. My youngest daughter will be in 3rd grade. My daughter has always been well-received by other girls, and she's expecting to make friends. My son has often been excluded by peers, and is dreading that he won't make any friends at school. (He tends to be bossy, but he's usually shorter than other boys his age, and he has particular strong interests...so all combined, it's harder for him to make friends. He also seems to have mild Combined ADHD with some RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, but he's not even diagnosed with ADHD, much less RSD.)
My daughter is 14 and has the same problem no friends and when she finds one( she's very friendly) and starts conversations whenever she sees girls. But friendships don't last. Just today I picked her up from school because she was having a meltdown. She cried all the way home saying she rather die because nobody likes or cares for her but me. It's very sad and frustrating not to be able to do anything.
I’m sorry she’s going through that all..I went through a similar childhood at a small school, in the Chicago suburbs, K-12. I begged my mom to send me to another school and she refused. I sat alone with a book as a friend in every recess and lunch. The best you can do for her is have outside friends and outside interests… she’ll forget about it and not be so upset when she has other things to do that don’t include her classmates. And consider going to a new school where she can start fresh in junior high.
If there is a KidStrong near you, it might be worth trying their free class. It is for kids up to age 11 and has a variety of skills and confidence building activities.
My son is young for his grade, plus adhd. I’ve noticed over the past year that he he really relates to and gets along better with kids in the grade below him. Maybe you could see if she’s interested in joining any groups or activities that is predominantly a bit younger? Also, my son goes to a very small private school too. I wonder all the time about whether he’d be better off in public with a bigger pool of kids. A good friend just moved her son from our school to public for that reason. Not sure if that’s an option for you though, based on where you are in Chicago. Good luck, it can be so heartbreaking.
Oh my - I sooo relate to this. I have been struggling with my teen being treated as crap. I went to a church activity yesterday and my son was told a bad word in Spanish, another teen called my kid crazy and then another kid simply got mad at my kid when my kid asked why was she mad. My kid really didn't do much with his behaviors that day. But, the teens were jerks/bullies to my kid. It gets me worried about going to church - I have gone to church for years, but I almost feel like - I don't want to go, if my kid will get bullied. Talked to the kids and the parents - and it's like they don't care. It just hurts me to see him treated like crap.
I am so sorry, I know how bad that feels.
Hi there. I'm late to this thread but wanted to respond because my family is in a similar situation with my 10 year old son. First I want to say that I empathize with how hard this is for a family. It's so lonely and isolating for the child and for the family. It's the most heartbreaking thing to watch your child struggle with friendship....it's hard enough to worry about your child's development when they are neurodivergent, but to also have the social isolation on top of that is a huge blow to our mental health.
Other people have already responded to this thread with ideas of how to find a accepting community for your daughter but from your response it sounds like you've tried those things and they didn't work for you. While I do agree that finding a friend for your child is an important protective factor for their sense of self, I have a different perspective to offer.
In addition to focusing on helping our kiddo find a friendship community where he is accepted just as he is, we are working on helping him to build socially appropriate behavior. This process takes a long time and a lot of patience I'm told. We've just begun working on this and rely on parent coaching to help us learn how to do it. I've come to understand that socially appropriate behavior is an executive function skill that is learned. For neurotypical brains who can pick up on social queues, it is easily learned, but ADHD brains with executive functioning deficits must be taught with intention and explicit direction to learn.
For my son, we are working to learn ways to help him understand how his executive functioning differences impact his ability to act in ways that will lead to social acceptance. We tell him that it's important for him to learn social skills and that he will have to work harder than neurotypical kids at building those skills. We work with him to model and scaffold age appropriate behavior to help him understand the social norms that other kids seem to just figure out on their own. I've recently discovered reasonably priced online parent training resources to guide me in teaching my son social skills through the ADHDDude membership site. Perhaps there are other similar supports for tween parents in your community.
I don't know if you'll find this helpful, but I wish you and your family success in helping your child to be socially successful, to feel good about herself despite the circumstances that life hands her, and to be proud of her talents and hard work.
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