Hi all! I'm in a moment of parenting uncertainty here and would love your suggestions. My 10 year old has been doing taekwondo for nearly 3 years and is inches away from getting her black belt. But in order to do the black belt test, you have to take 15 sparring classes. She has taken one and HATED it -- she climbed into the car after it with tears streaming down her cheeks because sparring is all about fighting and why do we have to fight each other? I haven't been able to get her to a second class and it's turning into emotional meltdowns and all kinds of self-doubt. So I'm thinking about just putting taekwondo on pause indefinitely. The truth is, if either of my other two kids didn't want to continue an activity and started having meltdowns over the thought of going, I'd throw in the towel and say "okay! we learned that this isn't right for you right now, let's try something else."
The catch is - I'm not sure what other activities to suggest for her. She is ultra creative on the art front but not so interested in art classes and I would rather something that includes physical activity. She doesn't like the feeling / pressure of competition. She has expressed vague interest in hip hop or tap dance and we can try those but I honestly don't see those as likely to be a great fit for her. Soccer, ice sports, flag football, etc. haven't been of any interest to her. Does anyone have any suggestions about things that you've found that we could consider? Open to ANY and ALL ideas!! Thanks so much for this supportive braintrust
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BlueStripedMama
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I love this question! Have she considered theatre? I host improv theatre camps for ADHD littles because they are super creative and its always so much fun!
It sounds like you have your mind made up..But what do you think you turn it around and have her think about the defense aspect? Have the studio shown her if someone "attacks" her how she can build self confidence to stop them?
Maybe just getting her black belt and then stopping. Trust me it will really be a great "notch" on her belt. She is really close may just finishing that part would be best.
Thanks for this thought -- that's where I keep vacillating b/c it really would be a tremendous boost to the confidence to finish it up and get that last belt, and I know she can do it... and what will the hit to her self confidence be if she gives up now???
My son and husband are 3rd degrees.. our son has ADHD. He is applying to college and he was able to use that as part of his application.. Maybe talk about as if it is a short term goal and let her pick what she wants to do after she get it.
She will have to do board breaks, is she OK with that?
Yep, board breaking is fine with her. It's the sparring that is really stopping her in her tracks... Thank you for your thoughts and the push here - I appreciate it!
Hi! Just wanted to come back here for a sec to thank you for your advice here. She wound up getting her black belt just a few weekends ago and felt AMAZING about that notch achieved. She has since moved on to track, though maybe will one day return to taekwondo. Thanks for the nudge to finish it up!! I needed that
I am so happy for your daughter( and you!!), she will always have that accomplishment in her life. You guys can look back on this amazing accomplishment!!
Thank-you for coming back and letting us all know.
Happy Mother's day!! We all have some successes with our kids.
My cousins did taekwondo. (Two boys close to my age, and one girl cousin much younger.)
The boys had size and reach on their side, but the girl was the one that the other boys in the dojo were afraid of...she was tiny, but she was fierce.
I've observed that some sparring instructors are too hard from the start, to "toughen up" the students they were teaching. Sometimes they pair the student up with a sparring partner who doesn't adjust accordingly to the student's level. (In other words, the sparring partner might use too much force or ferocity.)
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Perhaps she would want to change to a physical activity which does not involve contact, such as yoga or tai chi.
Tai chi is also a martial arts (a form of kung fu), but is often practiced without contact, because the art is primarily focused on development of self. It is sometimes described as an internal art. (The same movements practiced in the slow style of tai chi could also be used for self-defense, but that is not the primary purpose of the art.)
Other physical activities could include dance or other performing arts (like theater or musical theater), or sports. The self awareness and self control developed in taekwondo could help her quickly pick up almost any new physical activity.
Yes! We were thinking about trying a different instructor for sparring or maybe investing in a few private sparring lessons with an instructor that we can talk with beforehand to see if we can pave the way a bit.
The host and the guest start discussing the concept of "Timing" (from Rener's book) at about the 32 minute mark, and at 32:40, Rener begins relating an example of how good timing and a good empathetic approach helped one martial arts student who had extremely bad social anxiety.
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*(While many episodes of Art of Manliness do focus a lot on male topics, I think that a lot relationships episodes like this one discuss topics that could being helpful for anyone.)
Some people are more or less comfortable with physical touch than is considered "normal" by most people.
For instance, some people with autism are very avoidant to physical touch, but others with autism might actually like extra physical contact with others (likely certain others, like favorite people to get hugs from).
People with autism are more commonly known to have this touch-centric difference, but I know from my own experience and from talking with others with ADHD that many people with ADHD have strong touch and sensory preferences.
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Sometimes, a person may be very uncomfortable around certain others. A girl might be very resistant to sparring with a particular boy (or any boy). There's no shame in having such preferences (and sadly, sometimes people have them because they have been mistreated).
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Another consideration:
Propose to the instructor for her to demonstrate sparring techniques against a training dummy.
LOVE this observation and these ideas. She is a kiddo who doesn't love touch except on her terms and so this may feel like a violation of that preference. Thank you for raising this!!
How you phrased it is very on point: "...except on her terms."
She has every right to determine what sort of contact that she is okay with, and what she is not. (Of course, there's also the topic of age appropriate activity...but that's not this topic.)
I'm a father of two daughters and two sons (plus one granddaughter and one grandson...so far). I believe that this is important for all of them to understand.
I want my daughters and granddaughter to know that their comfort and their preferences about how they are treated is important.
I want my sons and grandson to understand and abide by (and defend*) that right (and to understand that they have the same right for their own selves).
*{I'm a bit old fashioned, in a chivalrous sense.}
Just wanted to say an extra thanks for your comments here. They pushed me to consider reaching out to the master at the TKD place and let him know how she was feeling. He was INCREDIBLY receptive to learning how she was experiencing it and offered to do private classes for her and adjust the requirements for her. It was just a really good reminder to communicate openly about what is happening and see what comes from there. So we may actually have a path forward, at least for now. Thank you!!
She got her black belt!!! Thanks for your help - your thinking really gave me a nudge to navigate this through so she could feel that deep, deep sense of achievement.
Thank God my grandson had Taekwondo coach who had worked in special ed. They also were in ATA. He sparred some but did not have to do that many sessions to get his black belt. And they were so patient with him. It took him longer than most to get his belt just because each form took him longer to learn. But he did it.
Not sure where you are and what’s available, but if you’re in a metro area some suggestions might include the following. For sports/physical activities that are a little more solitary: Rock climbing, tennis, track and field or cross country, yoga, or fencing (though might be too much fighting for her).
community musical theater has been great for my ADHD kiddos. It gives them a sense of accomplishment, they use their creativity, get to sing and dance and be part of a group. Good programs are accepting of all types of kids. It’s the one activity where being dramatic is a benefit. If they don’t want to be on stage they can help with the scenery and props. Swimming has also been great but is more of a solo activity. One of my kids was really into a Ninja class for a while-they do them through the local gymnastics facility.
My son was definitely not successful at team sports but we found a nice niche with swimming. There are a few places near me that have lessons and/or teams all year round. He not really competitive but I've never seen him in a pool without a smile.
Love this!! She loves to swim but had an unfortunate swim team experience with a coach who was ultra competitive on a summer team (sigh) so I'd have to work to convince her to try again. But I really do think she would like it with the right coach.
My daughter tapped out of Tae Kwon Do when it came to sparring too. Same reason. I always told her that we will do it as long as she is having fun and is benefiting from it. She wanted to try gymnastics next, and didn’t really need to do competitions at a recreational level. When that was no longer a fit, she found swimming and that remains her place. Huge energy burn and lots of relationship building. I think if they can have some opinion and choice over what they do for activities, they may be more willing to stick with it, even if they don’t excel at it. That energy burn is so helpful. Good luck with the activities, it is awesome that she has such a supportive parent!
I also have a 10 year old girl. She does a fair amount of activities, but her passion is horses. The community tends to be very accepting and there are options for all types of kids. One girl at our barn is competitive at shows and her brother (autistic) rides for fun. I’d definitely give it a try and see if your daughter likes it. She might just gain a life long hobby.😀
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