blueclean

[Blueclean]

I have a 23 year old daughter who has been diagnosed as ADD since she was in elementary school. Although she has been on medication, she does not take any meds now. She has shown evidence of falling apart….impulsive behavior, bad relationships, switching jobs, DUI. I have been told by my friends that she needs to change and that I need to stop bailing her out of her predicaments. Simply walk away and let her feel the consequences of her actions. Will taking this approach work? Please advise.

[EJ_C]

Hey! I'm not a parent but am a similar age as your daughter and reading this has brought a tear to my eye. I want to give you both a big hug. ADHD is difficult.

So this is my personal reflection;

Firstly, social media etc doesn't help in relation to ADHD medication, so what helped me was to learn about the benefits etc of it. I was given the tools to figure it out myself and then went back on them.

Most important.....

God I've made so many stupid mistakes. I walked out of a career in teaching due, I made that decision in 30 seconds.

What helped me was the stability of home. Of my dad. The non judgemental. The hug and being told it is going to be OKAY!

If I didn't have this, I don't think I would be alive today. I know I would of ended it. We've been through eating disorders and most other things.

Having ADHD you make so many decisions which are spontaneous many you regret. But you also have a creative mind and the ability to love everyone. All of that goes spinning in your mind.

My dad stopped judging me and asking why long ago. Now he goes, I know you'll get yourself out of this.

He doesn't bother arguing with me now, he will just tell me how it made him feel, so I can reflect when I'm ready. We also never talk about my ADHD journey. Unless I want to talk about it.

I live on my own and I've purposely kept my dads place as my safe haven. My room is how I like it and I have never brought a girl friend around as I need to keep it my safe place in my mind where I don't need to adult when things get to much.

I'm still not perfect. But something that have helped me most of this was done on my own and my own speed, so I didn't feel judged;

-researched, what ADHD is. The pros and cons. This was so I understood what was going on in my mind. Understand that silly things was due to it.

-I joined adult ADHD forums to understand that ADHD isn't childish.

-from then, I took myself to a Doc that I liked and went on a new medication journey (though it turned out the one I was already on was the best for me)

-I found a career in the major events industry was the right one for me. From this im now one of the youngest at the level I am. Due to my ADHD superpowers.

-i still struggle with sensory overload, my emotions, and some impulsivity, but I found stuff that works.

----

Your a damn good mom! You've brought an amazing daughter up, who the struggles and the superpowers of ADHD. Many don't understand it. This is blunt and im sorry... But I know you won't, but please don't turn your back. She needs you. She needs that hug and the safe place.

Your amazing!

[Cherry100]

Hi Blueclean. I'm in a similar position. 18 year old daughter started uni last September, span out of control, stopped taking meds and is currently falling apart in all areas of life, but is showing (very small) signs of coming around. So hard to watch. I am no expert so this is only my experience, but there may be (some) light at the end of the tunnel. We were always there for her no matter what she did - but her impulsive and abusive behaviour took everything out my control, she could do what she wanted and so I was forced to let her get on with it. Terrible boyfriend, constantly leaving uni to stay with him, not doing assignments, refusing to come home. Abusive to us. We are really close to her so all of this was horrendous. But slowly things started to change. She started to realise by herself that she needed us, so slowly wanted to come home, finished with the boyfriend (although I'm holding my breath on who will be next) and so is spending more time at uni. Still not taking meds and just refusing therapy - but only this morning she phoned me to have a conversation about taking meds. She thinks she may start again. So to answer your question - my daughter forced a situation where she had to feel the consequences of her actions and it's changed things for the better. Also I've had some excellent advice from people here with ADHD in that you can't force them to take meds, they have to decide. I will be forever grateful for that advice because it's hard to stop trying to encourage meds and leave things alone! I hope this helps in some way, I know how hard it is.

[Zero1024]

Hi Blue. I have a similar issue, but my daughter is only 16. She refuses to take any meds outside of Buspar for anxiety, but we have experienced many hardships. Multiple runaways, drugs, alcohol, short and long term hospitalizations, suicide attempts, etc. The thing that we have tried to make constant is that she can depend on us, and come to us when in trouble. It is possible that there is something more than just ADD going on. If that is the case, that isn't going to go away. And letting someone just learn from their mistakes isn't effective as a support system. Everyone has a past. e can learn and grow from it. While 23 is adult age, the best support systems don't have an expiration date. Please continue to be supportive to your daughter. Its going to be hard, but remember that it takes some people a little longer to get things together. There is no magic number for that. And also, people who don't have to live in the house with you, or be involved in the day to day effects of ADD, or any other mental or behavioral issue may not offer the best advice.

[sceller]

We also heard the same thing from friends, relatives, etc about our son's bad behavior. Your daughter is still very young - ADHD kids do not mature as quickly as "normal" kids. She won't really become an adult until age 25-27, when her brain actually finishes developing. I would allow her to live in your home, but I would have several conditions: first of all, she can't drive (which, if she has a DUI is already true), she has to be on birth control - and I would insist on the implants or shots - pills are easily forgotten. And she has to have a job - anything at this point. You may have to help her apply or even apply for her. Have her do direct deposit and put yourself on her account, so you can keep track of things. And just hold on for a few more years.....she will eventually mature! But be prepared for job changes, getting fired, and lots more drama. Making her take responsibility for her bad choices sounds good, but the truth is, many ADHD young adults aren't even ready for therapy at her age - they just can't take it in and aren't ready to put those recommendations into action. My son is now 28 and would go back on his meds (Vyvanse) if his insurance covered it. He has a good job, his own apt, friends, etc and makes decent choices. I can still see some disorganization at times - he's not a neat freak like me, but I can say he's made it adulthood!

[sunsetnb]

Hi! I am also not a parent but I am 21 and seemed to be in a similar position to your daughter last year. I was also having impulsive behaviors and fell down a deep depressive and anxious spiral. I ended up breaking down to my mom and dad in May. They essentially lovingly forced me to the doctor to get on different medication and we decided to add an SSRI which was prozac for the anxiety and depression. It absolutely changed my life. I refused to believe for the longest time that medication would do anything because I thought I didn't need it or that I was a failure for needing it. This is however, just a mindset. I would not be where I am without my parents giving me tough love. I think that if you have a conversation where you let her know that you are there for her but will not be bailing her out, financially supporting her, etc., unless she does ... and then give specific actions worked really well for me. It may not work for your daughter but I do want you to know that I have and still continue to this day to thank my parents for the tough love and am eternally grateful they didn't give up on me. Sometime us as young adults don't want to tell our parents what's really going on because we think we can handle it. However, my parents specifically my mom just sitting me down and asking what was going on changed my entire life. Don't give up Mama you are doing an amazing job and I am sure your daughter will thank you one day! You are an amazing Mom you got this!!!