Hi any ideas. On holiday with husband and our ADHD 24 year old son is having episode (,that's what I call it when he hurls verbal abuse and smashing around the house) How can I support him but make him grow up and let us parents have a break. We only want to grow old gracefully but he makes us so stressed out. Any ideas we need help
He does take his medication.
I’m sorry you are experiencing this stress. Vacations can be oddly challenging, especially for those who thrive on routine. Is your son one who does?
Yes he does like routine. He is stronger than he realises and would cope well if he just tried. He puts soo much pressure on mine and his dad's relationship. I don't know how to get through to him that he needs to grow up and stop relying on us all the time.
Hi
Others here may be able to give you their experience with adult children and lagging maturity.
I wonder if he has been able/willing to try a therapist using DBT?
Does he access supports other than you e.g. adhd young adult support groups or coaching?
Would you and your husband find counselling helpful. Caring for yourselves is equally important
Good luck
He has had private hypnotherapy before but the cost was crippling us. He does look into pod casts. He has asked for help from his doctor over the phone when I was in the same room which he wanted me to hear him explaining his anger issue. Now they say he has not asked for help so cannot do anything for him. I am trying to get him to see the doctor again but have to be able to approach the subject when he is going to be in a good place as it can tip him over the edge. He is trying to write the details of why and what happens in the outbursts down so has something to relay to the doctor. Life just seems hard for him but also as parents our lives are totally controlled by his condition ADHD or /and undiagnosed. Thank you for your advice.
That’s so hard. Especially when it’s the three of you. Try to remember that everyone does the best they can with the skills and tools they currently have. He may need more support and skills, and not just from his parents! By any chance, do you think he might be on the spectrum? Dysregulation as an adult can sometimes be a sign. Some other signs are here: nhs.uk/conditions/autism/si.... There is a misperception that being on the spectrum means you are low functioning. But many people are quite high functioning—Elon Musk for example. This might all be a leap. I tend to do that as my son is on the spectrum but very high functioning.
Thank you for your advice I will look into it. My son believes everyone is has mental health some have good and some bad and some where it changes so he may accept this advice. He has had bad experience with his current ADHD nurse who only wants to increase medication and not address what help or health issues he has.
Has he been on the same type of medication(s) for awhile? Everyone responds differently to meds of course but my son (much younger) responded poorly to stimulants that caused many anger outbursts that were far worse than when unmedicated.
Yes he has. Never thought of looking into that. thank you
Or family is right in the middle of this issue as well, as Stimulants are exacerbating "episodes" for our 8-year-old son (and also making it difficult for him to sleep). We switched to Guanfacine and it's a much better fit. It doesn't eliminate outbursts, but the frequency and intensity are both greatly reduced.
Thank you I will look into them.
I can talk as an adult with ADHD and a parent to ADHD child. The part of brain responsible for the emotional regulation isn’t wired well in people with ADHD. As we grow up and mature we learn strategies to deal with this disability but in my opinion it requires therapy and support. Some ADHD medication can help with this aspect of ADHD and some, such as stimulants, can make it even worse. Is your son on stimulants or on non stimulants?Also most people with ADHD have also at least one other neuro condition- some have a bit of sensory processing issues, others may develop bi polar, I myself suffered from depression and self medicated with drugs in my teens and 20ies. I also had anger issues (I like to call it emotional disregulation). Now I am a middle aged person, secure with my middle class position in the society and financial security to help my kid, but it is never easy.
Psychological intervention - CBT, group therapy etc always is good and it is evidence based treatment where you can measure progress. I personally would be sceptical about hypnotherapy- this might be good for very specific problem such as smoking but ADHD and emotional regulation (anger issues and everything else to do with the emotional regulation) is more complex.
I hope your son will manage to mature and take ownership of his life, it often has to be the hard way. Probably time away from you could help (it helped me when I moved far away from my parents) but first he needs to have the right medication and the right therapy. And the rest will come.
Thank you. He is on Elvanse which I believe is a stimulant. I am looking at ideas on CBT so will push down that route quicker. He just needs to be in a good place mind wise before I broach the subject.
All good ideas here. You said that approaching him about these things can trigger him. Regardless of what is triggering him (adhd meds not working or HFA or whatever else) you still need to find a way to approach him.
May I suggest using text? Texting would allow you to introduce the subject which is all I would do at this point. No details, just say that you’re floating an idea out there (for whatever you’re addressing —- a new therapist, different meds, etc).
Then let some time pass (days, a week) and address it again - over text. Think baby steps. For some people, engaging in a face to face conversation about something all in one sitting can feel like a full on frontal assault and generates an automatic defense mechanism in them.
A therapist suggested this method to me and it has been effective with my daughter.
Also, patience on your part will help him. Slowly, very slowly, give him the tools he needs to be successful in life. He might be in his 30’s before this happens. That’s what people ahead of me in the journey have said! Hang in there. Life doesn’t always turn out how we expect. Acceptance is the key.
Thank you for the ideas and kind words.
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