Our 8 year old is doing well overall with ritalin and positive behaviour management. The one issue is emotional dysregulation (screaming meltdown) when she has to leave a fun outing.
We talk to her about what to expect and if its possible give her warning that its nearly finishing and if possible have a reward to look forward to. We also try to manage tiredness. We have role played strategies to self calm before she loses it such as belly breathing but I don't think she recognises when she needs to do this.
This is making outings hard for her and all the family.
Does anyone have some suggestions to try?
Does it get better?
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bear240
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A few thoughts, you didn't mention counseling for her to help her manage this like this. I would suggest that if she is not already doing it.
Most of what I experience was our son was hyper focused on something then we would need to leave. This is very hard for our children to handle.
Could you "convience" her that in the next place x will happen ( try to make that something she likes). Also try to distract with a snack or something to help bridge the in between time. Also try to make it quick and not dwell on it, just move on.
Other things to keep in mind, plenty of good quality sleep, snacks and knowing what sets her off and avoiding it.
Does it better... YES... somethings get better and for us somethings got harder. It's a roller coaster, but as usually as they age they learn to handle things better.
Thank you so much for your thoughts. Pleased to hear this issue improved for your son.She does see a psychologist who has started to get her to reframe (CBT) the situation ie ' I am going to do x now which will be fun.
The problem I see with this is that it is hard to have something as rewarding to look forward to and requires her to think of this before she gets upset.
Is this the type of counselling your son found helpful?
Many children with ADHD have issues with transitioning from one activity to another. I am not sure about rewarding, I was talking about getting her focus off the activity she is doing to focus on what will come next..Can you share an example?
I think of a reward a little differently, if she left one activity and went to another without a meltdown, I might reward my child.
Yes, these meltdowns were things I would talk about. Our son never had CBT training.
Yes I see what you mean. She does get lots of positive feedback when she is able to do this and for many transitions she doesnt have a problem. It is when the activity is more unusual and very fun that she hates to leave (don't we all😁).
Your suggestion of moving on quickly I think could help.
Was your son's counselling more about general emotional support or did he get strategies for this?
How aware is she of the concept of time? When we ask our son (who is now 16, but this applied when he was her age) to do something without a time, he wouldn't do it. But when we said "could you brush your teeth in five minutes?" he would agree and then do it. Point is, my child responds to time limits much better than open-ended requests. If your daughter wore a watch and knew she would have to leave a party by 345, she might be better prepared mentally for her departure.
One thing we recently started was having our 7 yo set a timer. He received a FitBit for Christmas and it has a timer feature built in. So when we need him to be ready to transition (end play, be ready to go somewhere, change activities), we ask him to set his FitBit timer and then come to us when it goes off. Sometimes we even let him choose the timeframe, if appropriate. If we're at the playground, I might say "We need to head home for dinner". He will always say "not yet!", so I say "how about 5 more minutes?". Sometimes he agrees, other times he negotiates for more time. When we reach an agreement, I ask him to set his timer. I think it helps him feel more in control of the situation. We have offered rewards when he ends/transitions calmly, but we don't always do that. We do offer lots of praise and encouragement when he does transition well.
It's not perfect every time, but we have had some success, so that's a win for us!
I find the timer works with my 7yo son as well. We set it when we get to the park and when it goes off to leave he usually responds well but does try to negotiate more time. I’ll give 2 more min and start walking away and he follows. It’s not perfect but I’ve even incorporated the timer for bed time and other tasks at home and it’s helping!
Your issue really gets to the root of ADHD and self control. Our son is 14 years old and much better with his behavior than when he was young... but he still has a hard time with self control.
Here are some examples..when he takes a shower at night time he always stays in way to long, when he makes chocolate milk he squeezes WAY to much chocolate in the cup ( could be 3-4 inches). He tries to drink 3-4 large cups of juice/ canned drinks daily.
These examples seem easy to handle but everyday we have to deal with these things. While they are not behavior issues they are clearly him not controlling himself. It is consistent teaching/molding of his behavior.
My daughter used to do this a lot when she was younger. Picking up on the responses above, a few things that helped us were being really clear on timing and giving warnings as the time got closer. She struggles with transition so knowing what is coming helps - like 10 min, 5 min, 2 min. When it got down to the very last minute or two, if we were at a playground for example, we would give that warning and ask what was the last thing she wanted to do (go down the slide one more time, climb something one more time). Empowering her to choose the last fun activity (within reason) gave her agency and still stuck with our timeframe. We were also really consistent in messaging that we loved to go out and do fun things with her, and it was contingent on leaving when it was time to leave. If she didn't leave when we said it was time, we wouldn't be able to do the fun activity. A few times she tested it and we had to follow through and skip the park or the playdate the next time. If she started to resist at the end we would remind her, we had fun and we like doing this, but you know we can only do it if we leave when it's time to go. When she did leave on time, we called it out and were specific in our appreciation, that we knew she was having fun and she would like to stay but she listened and understood that it was time to go, and how much we appreciated it and how that meant we could keep doing this. She really glowed and that type of verbal reward really helped reinforce. And definitely it has gotten better over time! Good luck, hope you're able to find an approach that works for you!
This is a hard one for that age! If you are with friends you can coordinate leaving at ther same time, that helps. If it is a fun activity ask her to tell you how many more swings, slides, jumps, etc.... you can also try having some jelly beans in the car for her to have when you leave places. You will need to decide ahead of time how many you think is appropriate. Most importantly you need to be one step ahead of her all the time!!!! Take notes of what triggers are like time of day, Hunger, length of visit (sometimes leaving too early can be the issue), quality of sleep the night before. You can plan ahead and make the right choices for her to avoid the meltdowns. It doesn't always work so jelly beans or some other thing to look forward to can be a life saver. Hang in there and stay calm she really cant help it.
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