Struggling ADHD MOM AND WIFE - CHADD's ADHD Pare...

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Struggling ADHD MOM AND WIFE

MNmom99
MNmom99

Hi my 5year old son has been diagnosed with Adhd last year and recently my husband has been diagnosed also, I am really struggling trying to find anyone that can relate that has a child and spouse with ADHD I'm just exhausted constantly and often feel alone. We have had parent therapy and couples therapy that worked for a bit but I don't see much improvement in my husbands behaviors even with his medication, it often seems as though he doesn't see his ADHD affecting me (zero empathy)but between that and trying to do best for my son I'm absolutely exhausted each day, I work full time and then I live my day redirecting repeating and reminding, I just can't seem to catch my breath, I am taking meds myself for the anxiety this ADHD has caused me but I don't think he puts his own mental health as any part responsible, and has become passive aggressive and mean. I feel like I'm taking care of 2 children most days and I can't trust him to do most basic tasks, I feel like I'm taking on all that he is lacking and anything he isn't hyper focused on I feel ignored, I initiated both screenings for ADHD as I love them both dearly and something just seemed off... The past few days I feel like I can't breathe and am having anxiety attacks, . I need to find someone that I can talk to I feel like I'm going to lose it one of these days for real. Anyone out there with spouse and child with ADHD? please feel free to reach out to me. Looking forward to meeting people here.

31 Replies

Hi there! First, how brave of you to speak up on this platform to share your struggles. While you may feel hopeless some days, you are doing the right thing for your family by working on these issues. Your family is so lucky to have you in their lives, helping them navigate through this journey.

My son is now 7, and was diagnosed with ADHD at age 4. At that time, my husband realized that he too has had ADD his whole life, but has not been formally diagnosed or treated. He did however, begin treatment for anxiety near that time, which was a game changer for him. You probably know that ADD and Anxiety/Depression often go hand in hand. I'm certainly no doctor, but perhaps your husband is dealing with depression over his diagnosis and that of his son.

Realizing that both my son and husband have ADHD has been both a blessing and a challenge -- it's so helpful to have an understanding of what's going on in their heads, and an explanation of why. However, it's a LOT as a wife without ADD to have the patience to live with and care for two people who have their struggles. I have been so focused on my son and doing everything to support him and his journey through ADHD, that I often don't show the same compassion, patience, support and acceptance of my husband that he deserves. I have to remind myself that neither of them chose this disorder and there are many traits and characteristics that make it difficult for others to relate to. But I try to remind myself (usually after a heated or frustrating moment when I've had time to cool down) that my husband and my son are who they are -- their symptoms of ADHD are not any one's fault.

A good resource to consider is Mindful Parenting for ADHD by Mark Bertin, MD. It's focused on parenting, but I would imagine you could also consider your husband as you learn tactics to manage ADHD in your household while staying calm and collected to reduce stress.

Finally -- take time for you. If you aren't giving yourself the care and compassion you need, you will be of no help to others. Take time to be alone, to do things that make you happy, seek support from friends/family, do what you need to find peace and joy. Perhaps you scrap the parent and spouse counseling, and take advantage of counseling just for you. You are not alone in this journey and there is support out there for you.

😊

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to boy_mama_lu

Thank you so much for reading this and taking the time to reach out to me. I think you may be right in there may be other diagnosed issues depression ect., I try so hard to understand and be empathetic but when I do try to discuss things with my husband his reaction is to become defensive, denial, shut down and not speak to me at all, which may be from him feeling bad or guilt but by doing that makes me feel even more alone, and certainly doesnt help the marriage. I wish I could have the patience they both deserve I feel like all my energy is poured into helping them and doing more because my husband cant is so absolutely draining mentally I feel emotionally empty most days, I have teenage stepdaughters as well that I am almost positive that have ADD but undiagnosed, I live my day reminding repeating and redirecting and seldom have the time to just breath. I know you are right about the taking time for myself, and individual counseling I am in the search now of a counselor that may specialize or have good knowledge about ADHD in families, I need to make the time, my own mental health depends on it. I think I may have read that book shortly after my son was diagnosed and may be worth another read. Thank you again, reading these replies are what I needed.

Wow... I feel like I could have written what you just wrote, verbatim, and it completely and totally encompasses my life as a wife and mother to husband and son with ADHD. I will be honest, I did lose it this week. I had completely had it between my stressful job and dealing with exactly what you are at home. I was, literally, sobbing uncontrollably in my room and telling my husband we may need to split up if things do not improve because I cannot continue to feel this unhappy. I would do anything for my son and husband. I, too, initiated both ADHD screenings. We have seen vast improvements with my son over the years but I still do not feel we are getting where we need to. So, we decided to start going to the ADHD center at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia to get more intensive and expert care when it comes to my son.

As far as my husband, we have gotten nowhere. He may, actually, be worse because my son and husband trigger one another’s behaviors.

As you said, it is like having two children.

I want my family to be happy and healthy. However, my mental health is suffering at this point and I have reached my breaking point. I, too, am on medications for anxiety but I am still having horrible panic attacks.

I would love to keep in touch with you. Maybe we can be support for one another and get each other through.

My name is Shannon. You are not alone. I am going through the same.

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to LoveYou4Ever

Thank you Shannon for taking the time to read this and reply to me. I must admit its a relief to hear someone else say that my story feels like theirs, its not a conversation you can have everyday and finally through these posts I am seeing I am not alone. I am truly sorry about your story and feel for you I know what your sobbing uncontrollably fees like it is not a thing I would wish on anyone, the panic attacks are very scary. I never thought I could feel so alone in such a "busy home" but its lonely. I also have considered ending the marriage and often feel like I could parent better on my own because I wouldn't have the additional stress I take on from my husband, as horrible as that may sound to anyone reading this its only because I feel my options have ran out. I know my husband has anxiety issues that he will not admit to, but has no problem telling me about mine (which are often the affect of ADHD behaviors I am around all day) which in my opinion is just mean of him to even say. I think his anxiety causes my son more anxiety, my husband is one of those... "don't do this, don't do that" to our son, or will take something from our son without explaining why which will cause our son to get more upset, ramble off orders and not give our son enough time to process the instructions. I have had the calm conversations and the heated arguments which none seem to help. We were told once by the last couples therapist that deals with ADHD and other disorders that it is not fair for me to just deal with these situations or to just get used to them and its not okay for him to not communicate. When I bring these up he gets defensive and its like he puts another nail in the coffin for our marriage. I think a lot of this falls on the responsibly of the ADHD spouse once diagnosed to allow treatment which I think in his mind has become "he is not the issue" and I am over reacting (I hear that often)I love my son and husband so much and it hurts to think that I know he has this disorder that is not being treated to the fullest, his "therapist" he seen maybe 5 sessions, gave him medication then she is unavailable for a few months due to a "job change" and wont be available for a couple more months really? So how can I say to my husband well start over with someone else, when it was hard to get him to start in the first place? Its all just maddening. My husband and I both did the audio book "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov, after my husband heard that he was open for treatment, maybe if you could get yours to listen to or read it it may help him get insight from your point of view as well? I used Audible I think they have a free either 2 week or 30 day trial. Hang in there Shannon I would love to keep in touch with you through our struggles. Thanks again for your reply. 🙂

Hello,

I have a son and husband with ADHD. We have good days and bad days. I’ve found that sticking to a routine for me helps with keeping up with the craziness at times and also my anxiety. I too work from home FT. I wake up about 5:30am just to start my day before the kids wake up and get a few chores done and enjoy my coffee.

Another thing that has helped is I have family calendar for reminders and make to do lists for family and myself.

You got this!

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to tma2014

Hi there thanks for taking the time to read my post and reply I do appreciate the support. I think that's a great idea you have. I heard about something like this a while back that is helpful, kind of a responsibility chart, that would definitely help to make sure things are getting done.

Hang in there. Your husband has been dealing with these same behaviors his entire life, he is not going to change over night. I agree with the above commenters that he probably has more than ADHD going on at this point. Look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for both the men in your life. Maybe it will give your husband some purpose to assist your son in learning these skills. You also need to understand that the mourning you are doing for finding out your son has ADHD, your husband is feeling forhimself. He is likely reliving so many moments of his childhood and playing them back through his head and realizing why these things kept happening, etc. Just give him some time.

He likely feels depressed, anxious, ashamed, and disgusted with himself for having passed this on to his son. That's how I feel on a daily basis. On top of all of those feelings, he has to then parent his son while managing his emotions and ADHD which is beyond hard somedays.

He needs to learn to be more open with you and be a partner, but I also think he needs some grace. Routines, checklists, and lists are best for everyone in your house. If you can find the time to set uo some systems, it will help them both be more independent without you. It's a process. There are several books out there about being the spouse of a person with ADHD. I'd suggest reading some of them.

Hi! I am a wife and mom of three. We all have ADHD. My husband is inattentive type, and he does not medicate or do anything for treatment. I am medicated, and it helps enormously. My two older kids also are on the autism spectrum--very high functioning, so they were late to be diagnosed with that. My youngest is combined type, leans hyperactive, and has a dash of anxiety and ODD as well.

I don't have any magic answers for you. This is hard. We've all been in the house for the past year with the pandemic, and that has been incredibly challenging for my marriage. It has fundamentally altered the way I look at my husband and our relationship, and it's very uncomfortable. The best thing I've figured out is to really think about what it's important to get done every day, and let the rest slide.

Some days, I am literally operating on an hour-by-hour plan. I can not think too far ahead. That way lies anxiety. When I focus on very small chunks of the day, I can celebrate (or at least acknowledge) the things that I have accomplished. Sometimes I literally write a list of all the things I have done in a day and mark them off just to force myself to acknowledge that "hey, I did do all that!"

The other major piece that I have latched onto is that I can only control myself. If I'm not happy with the way things are going, all I can do is reflect and consider what I can do differently next time. This doesn't mean that I take it all on my shoulders and meltdown when I inevitably fail, but it does mean that I can recalibrate my expectations, I can pace myself differently, I can work to put my children in place as their own "bus driver," so to speak. I can let go. I can realize when I'm feeling overwhelmed and do something to change my own focus: turn on a song I like, step away for a quick deep breath, something just to break the spiral before it goes too far.

Try to take a minute for yourself. It's ok if the dishes don't get done RIGHTNOW. Your child is going to be ok. You really, really don't have to micromanage every aspect of their days, even though I truly understand how it may feel like you do. I have learned that teachers and others in the community are generally very open and supportive when we make mistakes, so open communication with them will help alleviate some of that feeling of urgency and panic when things don't go exactly smoothly.

I'm so sorry for the communication challenges you and your husband are facing. There are books for couples facing the reality of day to day life with ADHD that may help you re-tool your own understanding of how your husband's brain works. Educating myself about it has helped. It hasn't fixed everything, but it at least helps me feel that I'm making progress.

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to ADHDx3

Thank you for taking the time to read this and your reply. It sounds like you have a good system set up for yourself and some great advice for me to take in. I have had the time to listen to several great audio books that have really helped to understand more about ADHD and the challenges that come along with it. One of the ones that stands out is The ADHD Effect on Marriage, after listening to it I encouraged my husband to listen as well so we could understand each others side it explains very clearly how the marriage and both spouses suffer from it and and I think that helped for a while. Its a struggle every day, a lot of what we learn about parenting a child with ADHD often doesn't get implemented by my husband due to him forgetting or his impulsiveness so its making for a very challenging time in our home when trying to do what is best for our 5 year old son, especially with all the covid confinements. I think you said it best in the fact that I need to be able to take time for me. Your family is lucky to have you, I'm glad you are here as well so we can help each other manage, blessings to you and your family. Take care.

Hello from Germany, this sounds like my situation ... oh, how well I know these problems and worries. Almost each day I think about breaking up my marriage, because I am soooo sick and tired of the Situation. By now I have a depression, which makes, that I do not dare to leave my husband. It is really hard , because of corona things, like meeting friends regularly or go to the gym or just working are missing and are making the depression and anxiety worse. I hope and believe, the more you do something good for you, the easier it is to finally make a decision to leave or to change something in your family..., by becoming number 1 to yourself , you get back the power you need so much - not only to recover from this adhd problems ! All the best to you 🍀🌞😉❣️You are not alone !

Hello from the States, thank you so much for reading my post and taking the time to reply, I do appreciate the support. I am so sorry about your situation as well, and the depression and anxiety, I know how that feels. This Coronavirus and the restrictions that we have I'm sure have made it so much worse for everyone, when you cant get the socializing and time in that you enjoy for yourself that can also be a cause for depression then amplifies all the home issues. I think you are right the more I can do for me the better off I will be, sometimes I guess when you love someone you tend to put their needs first which seems to be the case here, I need to show myself some of that love and attention as well. Just reading some of the kind replies to this post have made my stress feel a little lighter knowing others are out there and it doesn't make me feel so alone in this situation. Blessings to you and your family thanks for reaching out.

Hi,

First, I am truly sorry you are going through this. I know how lonely this road can be but it is clear from the posts here that you are certainly not alone and definitely should feel like you can reach out on this network. It has certainly helped me quite a bit over the last year. My son was diagnosed at 5 and is 6 now. My husband and I realized that he likely has ADHD too when my son was diagnosed but he has not been formally diagnosed or treated. In my opinion, he also suffers from depression and anxiety. While he has acknowledged all of this, he has not taken any initiative despite my countless attempts of reminders, pleading, using the "be a good example for your son card". Before I say what i'm about to say, I will caveat this with I do love both my husband and my son but I definitely have days where I don't like either of them because of their behaviors or lack thereof in my husband's case. So in the last month, I told my husband that if the kids were not in the mix, I would have divorced him and while I know I said it in a moment of anger, there was part of me that has seriously considered whether this is a better path for all of us. I do feel like my husband is unable to do basic tasks even when I think through what has to be done and give him due dates for when I expect them to be done. So this leaves me feeling much of the burden of figuring out all the important things in our lives in addition to a lot of the day-to-day. We have been managing working from home with my 6 year old remote for the majority of the year because his school has not opened and that is adding a layer of complexity for sure, but my husband's solution seems to be ignoring the situation, not talking about it, and burying himself in work when I have told him numerous times that I need communication, I need him to be present for our family and for our son and most importantly I need a partner in life (not someone I feel like i constantly have to make decisions for). Also, to play devil's advocate, I know I have played a part in our relationship and the fact that he doesn't always want to talk to me, but I know I've also put good attempts into being understanding and empathetic about this situation. Being nice does not seem to get my husband's attention and leaves me feeling constantly unappreciated and taken advantage of. My son went through a period of daily aggression last year and things were awful in the house. We finally got it under control with Barkley's 8 step parenting program and my son went through a 4 month period without any aggression. But even though things were that bad, my husband never once said hey what should we do about this or came up with anything that we should do. I've taken the lead on doing the research, learning about what tools / techniques we have to getting my son help, coming up with different schedules, reward systems, talking to therapists, managing all his appts, looking into extracurricular to get him out of the house and trying to establish some friends for him at the local park so he can socialize since he is not going to school. Having to manage all of that in conjunction with having the patience to parent him in a positive way all day and then having to remind my husband that he can't talk to him so negatively all the time is exhausting. I feel like I give all the patience I have to my son and I don't have any left for my husband (which i know is not fair because he also didn't choose this), but I feel like I would have more empathy if he took the initiative to get himself the help he needs. Anyway, feel free to reach out or PM me if you ever want to talk / vent, etc.

ADHDx3
ADHDx3 in reply to Lolmama

I could have written this it's so reflective of my experience. My husband wants to be there, wants to do the things, but he mostly just.....doesn't. He finally did establish a habit of doing dishes, and he gets up with my youngest most days as I have a very early a.m. part-time job. But everything you said about parenting and initiative is us to a "T." It's so frustrating, and I struggle with it every day. I'm sorry we all know what this is like.

Lolmama
Lolmama in reply to ADHDx3

Yeah the initiative/motivation is the thing that could be a game changer for our marriage but I don't think I can hold my breath on that one, but sounds like you know exactly what that's like. We all just have to leverage this outlet whenever we need it.

ADHDx3
ADHDx3 in reply to Lolmama

Right? Honestly, this is such an issue fir me right now. When my older kids hit their own crises, I hustled to get diagnoses, therapists, educate myself. He?

Well, he regularly does the dishes and wakes up with our youngest now.

I love so much about my life. I try to focus on those parts. He has so many good qualities. He is smart, funny, and generally kind. But this is so much. I want my own life and identity that isn’t ‘Mom’ (aka ADHD specialist, therapist, housekeeper, schedule keeper, decision maker, and so on...).

We need a new furnace. Not likely to happen unless I do the work. I am an avid gardener. My raised beds have 3/4 of a fence because I relied on him. I am so tired of being embarrassed that I can’t keep up with the demands of keeping a house the way I’d like when I am the only functioning adult in the room. My kids don’t even bother answering when he texts because most of the time? He’s just in his own world.

I guess I needed to vent. Sorry to hijack the thread. Ugh.

Lolmama
Lolmama in reply to ADHDx3

No worries, please feel free to vent away. I think everyone gets it here and I find this to be a very safe space. Yeah I often say my husband basically does most of the tasks that don't require much thought like dishes, laundry, etc. The one thing I will give him credit for is he cooks really well so he will take that on but it's not always consistent and he is super last minute about cooking. He also doesn't always focus on the healthiest meals which I feel like diet can play a factor on behavior and well being but he makes a very scrumptious mac and cheese. He is also a good person when it comes down to it and has really great qualities too but I agree this is just overwhelming and I can completely relate to wanting to have your own identity and doing something other than focusing on your family's well being constantly.

Side note if you saw a picture of my house on a daily basis it would probably make you feel better about the state of your house. Many times because I have a 3 year old too with 6 year old and we are outgrowing our current townhome, I feel like it's looks like we had burglars trash the house on many days. Be kind to yourself about not being able to keep up. Again we are 1 person, and there are only so many hours in the day. ( :

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to Lolmama

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I am overwhelmed by the comments that are coming in on this I really had no idea that so many are experiencing the same feelings and situations as myself, ADHD is so hard and seems to really play a big part in family relationships especially marriage between non ADHD and spouses with ADHD, I read the statistics that the divorce rate is 2x more in an ADHD marriage, which is sad and scary at the same time, none of us want to be in that situation. I really couldn't image having my 5 year old son who has ADHD home while we try to both work from home due to the covid restrictions I am so thankful his preschool has remained open, kudos to you for being able to handle that, working from home with a 6 year old, not even to mention a 6 year old who has ADHD. That's an extraordinary task in itself, and something to be very proud of. I know EXACTLY what you mean about being the decision maker, its not like we have a choice in it, someone has to take make these decisions and it usually seems to fall on the non ADHD spouse. Its not micromanaging or being controlling but doing what needs to be done and has been put off by or not what the ADHD spouse considers a priority. I have noticed some passive aggressiveness and not sure if that's part of the ADHD, but by me making most decisions is it unfair to be so passive in being a yes man then getting upset when you realized you don't like the decision that was made? I was the one that took the initiative to get screening for our son, reading on ADHD finding activities for our son to release energy, the supplements, diet changes, reward charts, learning parenting styles, and the work continues as you add in trying to work your ft job, parent other children AND be patient and helpful to your spouse with their ADHD struggles and walk on eggshells so they don't think you are just being controlling when you remind them of behaviors they should be using to help your ADHD young child (as you take on much more then them) You are correct by that point I usually have no more to give to my husband, much less energy to put in to myself. I know what you mean it would be so much easier if we could see that their energy was put into trying to help their own situation, I signed up to be a wife and mom I didn't think that would include making sure he was taking on his own responsibility for himself, even knowing that he's been diagnosed and still not thinking its important to make sure its being dealt with successfully. After our son was diagnosed and prior to my husbands diagnosis I listened to the audio book "The ADHD effect on Marriage" by Melissa Orlov that book pretty much had me convinced that my husband had ADHD as well due to the behaviors that were described between non ADHD and Spouses with ADHD, and that a lot of the non ADHD spouses reactions were in reaction to the ADHD behaviors, maybe if you could convince your husband to listen to that it may open him up to allowing him to be checked and get the actual diagnosis to start treatment? After I read it I convinced my husband after pretty much not giving up on it that he needed to listen, he was surprised at how much it was our situation. Now with that said, my husband started treatment and medications but of course we are having struggles still which is what lead me here, but hoping because he was diagnosed at least he knows there is work that's needed to be done. Your husband and son are lucky to have you and it sounds you are doing everything right for your little guy which is commendable knowing the daily struggles you face. Sorry for the extensive reply its just comforting/exciting knowing others are out there that "get me", as I feel I've been in this so long by myself. Thanks for your support and I would love to stay in touch.

Lolmama
Lolmama in reply to MNmom99

Thanks for the very kind reply back. You came looking for help and you also offered it back. When I wrote my initial reply to you this morning, things were fairly calm. As the day progessed, things spiraled again out of control with my son's aggression to the point where I had this awful panic attack and certainly a feeling of being defeated and not knowing how much longer I could take it all. I guess there are just moments we all will go through that will be good and bad. We have to keep reminding ourselves that we are doing the best we can and we are human beings with feelings too and managing multiple people in your life with adhd is going to be difficult so taking the time for our self care and we'll being is important. I normally spend each evening after kids go to bed researching more things that might help. Tonight I am on this forum reading posts because I find them helpful, I did some yoga and I'm going to watch some very brainless bad tv because this mama and wife needs to check out mentally. ( :

I also will look into that audio book and will see if my husband is willing to listen as well. Anyway, just wanted to say thanks for the reply back!

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to Lolmama

Hi, sorry to hear about your day and your panic attack, I wish we didn't have those type of days and that there was an easy fix for us all dealing with this, all we can do is take day by day sometimes minute by minute. Hope your time at the end of your day was relaxing and you were able to unwind, that is so important to do. I agree this forum has been super helpful just to read some others situations it seems we can almost all relate to one another in some way or other and definitely has brought me some comfort. I found myself doing a bit of retail therapy the past few days which I also thought was helpful (taking me time), and have been re decorating some areas in our house to get my mind off of things and to give my brain a rest I've also been trying to be more creative with my son and forcing myself to breath and calm myself when I can see he's ready to take a turn for the worst.. I was able to distract him into an impromptu game of Simon says, and had a little fun the other night which was like a breath of fresh air, so that was good I was able to get him to get some jumping in and let out some energy, every day when he comes home from school he is VERY VERY energetic, chasing the dog, jumping on the couch laughing and running full speed up and down the hallway, throwing toys and not really able to follow any direction so that's usually my most stressful time of day, I also spoke with my husband yesterday about his own treatment and am hoping I got through to him, It seems what I said may have sparked something in him, so fingers crossed. Each day is a new day and right now I'm a little more optimist. Oh btw you mentioned you did Yoga, have you ever had your son try the cosmic kids yoga? There are some videos on You Tube, for a while my son got into that and if we need something to occupy him or allow him some movements he seems to like that sometimes, I did it with him a couple times its kind of cute they do yoga moves to a story. Well hope you are well and having a good day today. take care🙂

Lolmama
Lolmama in reply to MNmom99

Yes it was relaxing. So glad to hear you got through to your husband. Taking it day by day is the only way we can go. My son has tried cosmic kids yoga and was really into it for a while. Now he has lost interest a bit in that and is into these random youtube videos that they do in remote gym where you have to duck and jump over things. We also have a mini trampoline in our living room because he is always on top of the furniture and this gives him something else to channel his energy into.

First of all, thank you for your post. You have expressed the feelings that many of us have felt in this platform.

My daughter is now 14 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD when she was 10 and my husband finally, formally got diagnosed as having ADHD a year ago.

She has been put on ton of meds for ADHD, depression and impulsive behavior.

Unfortunately she is also dealing with the teenage brain as well.

The shelter in place due to COVID and lock down and not going to school hasn’t helped the situation either. I think we are all sick and tired of each other and that’s normal especially with the pandemic and acknowledging it to each other was powerful too.

My husband and I are seriously considering sending her to a sleep away camp once things open up.

Please take time for yourself and know that you don’t have to perfect for either one of them.

Does anyone know of a sleep away camp in California?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post. I empathize with your situation as well ADHD is hard for all to manage whether you have it or your learning about and dealing with it best you can with a loved one. Covid restrictions have certainly not made it easy for any of us that struggle themselves or have loved ones with ADHD, needing to get out and burn energy is such a necessity and hard to do when you are restricted in where you can go and its the same scenery with the same people day in and day out. I think having your daughter at a ADHD sleep away camp is a good idea, I never knew these existed until I read your post I started looking around using google and quite a few came up but of course arent doing overnights due to Covid, I think its great that there are camps like that. It seems ADHD is becoming more common (or rather more diagnosed then in the past) which I think is very important and I'm glad i came to this site to talk to people about it, makes me feel not so alone. Thanks again for your reply and kind words I hope you find the perfect camp for your daughter, Best wishes.

Hello and you are NOT alone! So glad to see so many replies to this because I think many of us feel like we are in the same boat. I have a son and daughter and a husband with ADHD and I feel like sometimes I am on a different planet than they are! It’s so so tough to not feel drained and exhausted and fed up. I’ve had many moments of just losing it but slowly I am learning to try to calm myself down and get some air and space before feeling totally defeated. Each of them have specific problems with ADHD and so I feel like I am literally managing three brains and losing my own in the process. But we are getting help with CBT parent training so my husband and I are on the same page (after years of endless discussions that went no where) and I found a math tutor for my daughter. They are all on meds now and all have therapy of some sort and I feel like I am addressing my most immediate fires, but it’s a long long road. I am more aware of all their triggers and times they just need comfort. I use to get really angry and yell at everyone and that of course did nothing helpful. I am sorry to hear how hard it has been so finding someone you can talk to here on this forum or a therapist is great. I think those of us who manage an ADHD household need time to process our own issues with all of it. Right now I am doing that with taking walks when everyone is being insensitive or disorganized, read books on ADHD to get some framework, and I’ve started watching this ADHD YouTuber - How to ADHD. Just things that can give me perspective and let me slow down and breath.

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to MoonMama71

Hi, thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post, it sounds like you have a lot going on yourself. Different planet explains it perfectly I feel like that often, in my head I feel like its the Twilight Zone sometimes, its so hard to try to understand some of the behaviors, it reminds me of a time years back when we just bought our home together it was like the day after we moved in it was just him and I and my oldest daughter (his 2 kids were coming in 2 days) I was busting my butt unpacking and setting things up we'd had soo many boxes left to unpack at least 10, to put away linens, kitchen goods, to set up the bedrooms for the kids ect., all that you can imagine in just moving in, I noticed my husband wasn't near and I hadn't heard any action or unpacking sounds ect so started looking for him...he was outside raking the leaves!!! That was my first What the heck is happening moment where I couldn't believe my eyes what was going on, that was years ago prior to his diagnosis and prior to our son being born and diagnosed, but looking back I'm able to see something was off, there are those type of frustrating times often, I know he cant help that and I try so hard to be patient and supportive but when you are exhausted mentally it truly is a dark place and very hard to come out of. Did you say both children were diagnosed as well? Do you mid if I ask how old they are? I've often wondered if my stepdaughters have ADHD or ADD they have similar behaviors as there dad, and have a very hard time controlling emotions but that is a touchy area and don't know how i would even bring that up, I did read it is a common diagnoses due to dna/hereditary so I wouldn't be surprised. I have to repeat, remind and redirect constantly with all the others in the house, its a full time job to try to help navigate ADHD in the household, and its EXHAUSTING. I feel your struggles and emphasize with your situation whole heartedly. Its great that you were able to have the resources for everyone along with therapy and medication. We started our son on medication after about 6 months of therapy and behavioral therapy, (which was a bust for us due to covid it was impossible to get a 5year old with ADHD to look at a zoom session and talk to someone) We may revist that after things open back up. Someone told me about the How to ADHD before and I completely forgot about that, I never watched it, Thank you for bringing that up I am sure going to check that out. You are correct it is a process for sure trying to process it all, its ALOT. I'm glad you reached out. Please stay in touch this forum has been such comfort. I hope you have a peaceful day.🙂

You and your husband should read “The ADHD marriage”. This will be a good tool for both of you. I know what you’re going through and I feel for you! It is so hard and exhausting when dealing with a child and a spouse with adhd.

MNmom99
MNmom99 in reply to ng24

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post, Knowing others out there can relate makes me feel less alone. Thanks for the book info. I will definitely check it out and fingers crossed get him to as well, Enjoy your day.

ng24
ng24 in reply to MNmom99

It is a great book. I’ve been married 30 years and it wasn’t til I read this book that everything clicked for me.

I can completely understand how you feel. I am in somewhat of a similar situation between my wife and two of our boys. It's overwhelming most days and the worst feeling is you never really know what you're coming home to at the end of the day. If it's going to be a good day or a bad one. For me the worst is when my wife becomes frustrated because of our sons anxiety or the ones ADHD and then it's like this big giant ball of negative energy. Today that happened because our son T isn't doing well in school at the moment because he's distracted and now she's upset and see's herself as a failure so she becomes upset and then his anxiety gets going and then our younger son R tells her that his classmates are calling him fat and other names. I feel your pain and just so you know you are not alone.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply to my post, thanks for sharing your situation as well its a bit of comfort knowing others are dealing with similar situations before I signed up here I felt so alone and didn't realize how it affects many people very similar to my situation. For us the unknow starts right as we get up, some mornings I wake up to my son kicking something in our room, making loud annoying noises, then running full speed up and down our hallway., ect. I hardly have my eyes open and its already stressing me out, you explained it so well the "negative ball of energy" I know what that is and its in our house so often it puts such a strain on the relationship with my husband and I, its hard when our son is acting out, I get stressed, my husband gets anxious and its no good for anyone, we try our best but sometimes I feel that negative energy is almost impossible to remove. I can relate with your wife as welI I've been there so many times feeling like a failure making me sad and anxious and its so hard because as a parent you feel like you should be able to fix these things and just make it better for your kids, at time feeling hopeless, and everything you do is wrong or not helping, The patience required is almost superhuman, I wish there was an easy fix and no one had to go through this especially the kids its so hard for them as well, they can feel the mood even without words they pick up on that. I'm sorry to hear your struggles and for your wife and children as well, It must be so hard for kids that have these diagnosed adhd and other similar issues then on top of that dealing with other kids that can be so cruel it breaks my heart to hear any child being called fat or other names. Sorry your son is experiencing that. Hang in there and thanks again for sharing. Enjoy your day

Thank you for honesty and courage in writing your post! Based on the many comments and replies, your experience is clearly shared my many. Me included.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD as a child and I've been on the look-out for it while raising my 3 young sons. In the last year and a half, two out of my three sons (a set of fraternal 8 year old twins) were diagnosed with ADHD (different types).

I've had to educate myself a lot on ADHD during this time and its become very clear that many of my issues I have had with my husband and in our marriage are a result of his ADHD. Educating myself to help my sons has given me a new sense of empathy for my husband and an greater understanding of how he thinks and why he acts the way he does. And, this enlightenment has given me the courage to speak out more directly to him about his issues and in a much different way/tone. For instance, I'm pleased that after many years of not being medicated, he's back on medication because he's seen how helpful it has been for our sons. Seeing his sons get diagnosed and struggle with ADHD has made an impression on him and he's been reflecting back on many things (and times) in his own life.

Three out of the five members of our family have ADHD and we need to openly address its daily impact on our family. We've all benefited from stricter routines, better nutrition and prioritizing sleep. I certainly have my moments of feeling overwhelmed by the many demands of being a working mom with 2 ADHD kids and an ADHD husband. I get exhausted trying to 'plug the holes' of their thinking. I found setting some limits around my self care and a daily quiet time to help me recharge. Some days and weeks are better than others but generally life is improving as the boys get older and the more we openly address ADHD head on in our family. Be loving to yourself and prayers for better days for you!

Hi! I can very much relate to what you are going through. I also have a 5yr (6 in May) little boy diagnosed with adhd last August. My husband has not been officially diagnosed but he knows he has it. When going down the "check list" he basically checks every box. He just reached out last week to see about a formal diagnosis. I explained to him how helpful it could be for our kiddo to know that dad has it too because dad is his BFF. This seemed to click for him atleast. I feel everything you described in your post about your relationship with your husband and feeling so alone sometimes and like everything is up to us to figure out and organize/schedule and well just about everything...😩 If you are in MN twin cities area I am as well and also unfortunately do not have any friends who have children with adhd so understand how hard that is. I feel so self conscious trying to do playdates. I feel awful/guilty for saying that but am new to this as well and just want to protect him.

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