Worn slam out

[Mudpies]

I need ideas, advice, and encouragement please. Our oldest son is 7.5 and we’ve been dealing with him “being different” since he was 3. He was diagnosed with ADHD 10 months ago and has been on medication since because it was effecting his school day. It’s always effected our home life. He is currently on catapres .1 mg 2 times a day. I am also taking care of my husband who is struggling with mental health issues and our 3.5 year old son while working full time. I am just plain worn out. My biggest issue is that I am having trouble responding instead of reacting with our oldest. He knows exactly what buttons to push and I’m really struggling to keep my cool day in and day out.

What do you say to yourself in the heat of the moment? What have you found that helps you keep your cool in the moment? What form of discipline seems to work best? How do you stay calm, repeat yourself, maintain boundaries, and be consistent every single day day in and day out without loosing your mind?

Thanks in advance for and encouragement, ideas, and or suggestions.

[Onthemove1971]

It sounds like you have alot going on. Do you have other people that can help, even if it is to play with your young kid.

I am curious what differnce you see in your child when he doesn't take his medication or when it wear off? and when he is on it? You should really notice a big difference in impulse control. The medication should be controlling %60 of the non-wanted behavior therefore, he should be in thearpy and learn to control the other %40 himself.

From what you are describing, it doesn't sound like you are getting the full benefit of the medication. If you are the you will need to reward him for the correct action with things he loves. Most boys this age its video games. If he gets up, dresses, gets ready does his respsonabolities then he earns things if not then plan another activity.

Can you have other things for him to do?

Our son has outdoor activities to keep him busy,basketball bike riding, scooter so when the video games are go he us outside.

But when he takes his medication, we do not have any of these struggles. Off medication YES always struggles.

Best of luck

[Mudpies in reply to Onthemove1971]

He just started this medication a week ago. He was on stimulant meds which exacerbated his defiance issues. I have a follow up appointment with his doctor in a week so we will definitely discuss. We don’t really do electronics for the same reason, it just seems to make everything worse. I do praise him when he does things right. I will work on coming up with a reward system. Thanks!!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Mudpies]

So you think the medication makes it worse? Maybe the doctor will lower it to 1/2 pill. I am no doctor but if the medication was the right one you would notice the behavior change or stop not get worse. Please stay patient, it may take trying a few to get to the right type for his body.

You could use electronics as a reward. If he does xxx he can earn some time on electronics.

Please let us know what the doctor says.

[Mudpies in reply to Onthemove1971]

His last medication helped with ticks, helped at school, and seemed to help at home to start with but the defiance at home started getting worse after upping the dosage several times and adding another medication didn’t seem to help. He also started having trouble falling asleep. We just switched him to the new med a week ago. We have had 2 good days but I don’t notice much of a difference at all the other days. I don’t know if the dosage needs to be upped or it just isn’t the right medication. I will definitely talk it over with his doctor. I will update afterward.

[Mudpies in reply to Onthemove1971]

Not sure if you’ve seen some of my other posts but wanted to get back to you and share that the doctor took him off of stimulants all together and he is now taking a very low dose of Catapres (clonidine) 2x a day and it has made a HUGE difference in our son. I am so very thankful for the support I have found on this forum. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Mudpies]

such great news you found what works, we are here to learn from each other always.

big hugs!

[MunchkinMommy537]

First off, breathe. You’ve got a lot going on and it sounds like you’re doing it by yourself. If your employer offers an employee assistance program for counseling you should try to use it, and get your husband to use it too. He’s an adult and needs to take the initiative to seek help for himself.

I recommend finding a psychiatrist that works with younger kids if you haven’t already. Pediatricians seem to only be comfortable prescribing medications they are familiar with for ADHD. Psychiatrists know what the latest and greatest medications are out there, as well as what to target first. For my son it was his anxiety that had to be controlled before we could look at fixing the impulse control.

If you have family or friends that you could get to help watch one kid so you can spend one on one time with the other, try to take advantage. If not, see if there are any teenagers in your area who want to make some money babysitting. Anything to get some help. Ask your son’s teachers if they know of any parent support groups in your area.

[Mudpies in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Thank you. I have been debating but from everything I have read I think you’re right, we are at the point where moving this particular need from the pediatrician to a psychiatrist is going to be the best move for our family. Hubby is (and had been) getting treatment we are just at a rough patch in the road right now and he needs my help. Our youngest only wants me and I need him. I don’t get to see my family as much as I would like so I spend as much of my non working time as I can with them. My mom and dad do help quite a bit so I’m making it through. I am also seeing a counselor because it’s quite a load to cary day in and day out. I’m still struggling with not taking it personally when our oldest intentionally pushes my buttons. It’s hard for me to respond not react. If there was something I could say to myself or visualize just something to help me push past it in the moment in a calm even tone. He feeds off of making me feel frustrated but then he says he feels bad for being mean to me. He says he wishes he could stop but his emotions take over in the moment. I want to help him not just jump on the crazy train with him. I find myself snapping faster and faster as the months go on and I hate that.

[Onthemove1971 in reply to Mudpies]

One of the thing that helps me is where we are today is not where we will always be. Our kids will grow become adults, we hope loving and successful and that we are doing are best. Yes it feels like every momment counts, but do your best and move on. Being a parent is so hard, load on all of the additional things we have to deal with and living in the times.we are now. Try to take deep breaths, remember tomorrow is another day.

Take care.

[Mudpies in reply to Onthemove1971]

Thank you SO much!

[MunchkinMommy537 in reply to Mudpies]

Oh I completely understand. Some days I feel like the Mommy-Llama (instead of the Dali Llama), and can step away emotionally from the situation. Other times I let my frustrations get the best of me and blow my top. It helps to look at it as the ADHD talking instead of my son. He usually feels bad about his behavior after he calms down, so I know he’s not in control of his emotions. I’m so glad your hubby is getting help. So many people (especially men) refuse to get help for mental health problems.

[Mudpies in reply to MunchkinMommy537]

Yes! That is exactly how I am too. I am really trying to work on me while I’m getting help for them too. I didn’t know anything about ADHD so I am learning a lot. I feel bad now that I have said to him so many times “you know better”. Well, now I know better and I’m trying for all I’m worth to come up with new ways to cope in the heat of the moment.

My husband has always been open to help thankfully. I am VERY supportive of him. I praise him all of the time for choosing to get help. Thank you so much for your input!!

[Pennywink]

Sometimes I do a very poor job of keeping my control. For me, it just takes getting lots of sleep and lots of practice (of which my son provides plenty of opportunities! Lol.) The more I learn, the more understanding I tend to be. Otherwise, I just take a deep breath and try to figure out How Can I Help Him (and me)? And just try to always bring it back to making a connection with him, even if things didn’t go as smoothly as I’d like.

Also, my apologies if I post this for you already. I post it a lot. But here is a great foundation for learning about ADHD:

m.youtube.com/watch?feature...

[Mudpies in reply to Pennywink]

Thank you!!

[reg2018]

When we're at our best we know not to take it personally. The hard part is that we're not always at our best. We can become vulnerable over time as our resiliency goes down and in those vulnerable moments we do take it personally because it looks and feels very personal. Taking time for ourselves each day to build up our resiliency is important. That can take the form of doing something to nurture yourself like getting a good night's sleep, watching a show that makes you laugh, listening to music you love or that helps you feel calm in a stressful moment, taking deep breaths and counting when your child is freaking out, and establishing "me" time so your child knows there are times when you get to have your own time that's just for you - when you can't be interrupted.

[jennifer425]

This also happens to me with my son, i get frustrated all the time..

[Mudpies in reply to jennifer425]

I am pretty new to this forum so it has really opened my eyes and helped me gain some perspective. Seeing that everyone else has the same types of struggles helps me know it isn’t him, it truly is the ADHD and helps me know that my feelings are normal. Thank you for sharing.