How do you handle dating?

[Nahnah85]

I have recently started dating after being divorced for almost 6 years. We have only been on two dates so far and it's going well. Of course, my son is negative about it as he is about literally everything. He had a complete meltdown about it because he does not want me dating. He wants me all to himself. He doesn't want him moving in and us getting married. Whoa! Slow your roll. It's two dates!! Dating is hard enough as is without dealing with an adhd child. Any single moms with advice out there? Are your kid(s) negative about everything too?

[Hidden]

You absolutely deserve to be happy and to find love again but my advice is that if you're going to date, you do so casually (and privately) until your son is grown and out of the house.

I know this may not be a popular opinion and that others may disagree, but I offer it based on the experiences of the many divorced parents I work with, as well as based on my own personal experience: some of THE BIGGEST REGRETS I have in life have to do with getting involved in a serious relationship/remarrying while my kids (one of which had ADHD) were still living at home.

If I could do it over again, I would have kept my private (dating) life private from my kids, and I would have waited until my kids were grown and out of the house before bringing another man into the home to live on a full-time basis.

In terms of dating, I now believe that there is really no benefit in letting kids know that you are dating (especially if as I recommend, you are planning to keep your relationships casual, i.e., not resulting in a live-in or re-married situation).

As you can attest with your own son, the only thing knowing about your dates does is cause unnecessary added anxiety and stress in kids. What all kids (but especially kids with divorced parents) need/want most of all is security and your time and attention--all the things they fear another person will take away from them. So, what your son fears is normal and the only way you can make him feel better is by showing him through your actions that you're still there for him in the ways he needs. For example, you could plan to date without sharing any information or details (you don't have to lie; you could just say you're 'going out' or 'have plans' with a friend). You will still be able to have a personal life, but through your actions you will show your son that even though there will be times when you're "out" and not with him, you still have plenty of time and attention for him.

PS I know it's early days for you and this person you're dating, but in general, if you are dating with the goal/intention/hope of remarrying one day, what I will say is this:

Blending families is hard enough but when ADHD is in the picture, it is excrutiatingly hard, if not impossible--and in the end, despite your best intentions, the kids usually end up suffering a lot. That's because no matter how wonderful and well-meaning someone is, they simply will not be able to love your kids unconditionally or have the same kind/level of patience and tolerance as you do, and that's what kids, especially those with ADHD, need most of all: unconditional love, patience and tolerance.

Just my 2 cents. Hope it helps.

Joyce Mabe