Help

[Gymnastmom2015]

Hi guys. I am new here and am having a hard time. I live with my boyfriend And his two boys 9 and 7. Plus my 3 kids. His boys are very naughty and get behavior slips from school alot. I finally pushed enough to get them to the Dr.we are waiting but they have ADHD and ODD. It's putting a huge strain on us and it's like the parents think the meds will fix all. I say they will still have behavior issues because their parenting lacks as far as consequences. Please help

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Hi,

While medication should help a lot, you're right that the parenting piece of things (especially having consistency and above all else patience) is very important. I recommend two things: first, that you check out the Parenting with Love and Logic program. I think it could really help because it focuses on the importance of having a strong respectful relationship with our kids while at the same time letting the kids experience and learn from natural consequences. I also recommend the book "the Explosive Child". It has some great information about heading off issues before they occur.

The thing about ADHD is that it's a marathon not a sprint and it can wear you out if you don't take care of yourself and reach out for help and support. I recommend you to learn as much as you can about ADHD so you can understand better why they act the way they do (as an explanation, not an excuse) and also to get help and take advantage of the resources out there to help them, like getting school accommodations in place (like an IEP or a 504 plan). I also highly recommend you look into getting them into counseling. Sometimes kids act out due to issues other than the ADHD (although the ADHD can make it more difficult for them to cope.) So it's important that they have a safe place they can talk and express their feelings and learn some ways to deal with things in other ways besides being naughty.

Hope this helps.

Joyce Mabe, Parenting Coach, website parentcoachjoyce.com

[ADDMom1961]

I strongly agree with Joyce and would like to add that structure in the home is vary important and to develop healthy routines and the consequences that go with them. Everyone in the home needs to be a part of (for example) morning routine might be... wake up, bathroom stuff -and wipe everything down hang towel on the towel bar before leaving. Get dressed, make your bed (doesn't have to be perfect), pick up clothes etc. then be down stairs (with a 20-30 min for breakfast). No sugary cereal, high protein breakfast. Back packs are packed, papers and homework has all been checked, signed etc the night before. You and Dad have a "HOMEWORK BOX" yourselves. This is where all the kids put paperwork for you to look at or sign etc. If it's not in Mom and Dads Homework Box, it's too bad, though we always threw out reminders a couple time through the night. In that box might be something that has reminders for you to rember to look at for each child or to practice that might get overlooked with such a busy house.

We found that developing jobs for everyone and routines really made life go much better. Both parents need to be on board w/ it and enforce it. We also found that starting something new worked better when it was tied in with something like a new semester, or going back to school after a long break. Plenty of notifications needs to be given along with how this routine will be working before it actually starts. Mom and Dad (yup, we too have to adhere to this routine to be that happy, good example-😀). BTW, M &D you should be up, showered and dressed before the kids, way too much stress otherwise.

I've raised 5 kids, and walked this walk. It might seem extensive and it might be but, teaching the kids to wipe up after themselves in the bathroom, and making their beds and being prepared the night before creates a peace after they get used to it. They can anticipate and this crucial part of the day shouldn't be full of anxiety and stress. It's not a good way for kids (who are already going through a tough time) to start their day.

My husband and I AND our ex spouses all went for counceiling to help create consistency. This was not easy, but we all had the same plan and that was important.

Oh, this doesn't stop on weekends or vacations. It was tough but we've all learned, life is better when we have our routines. Which just gets adjusted or tweaked when we're away or it the weekend.

Hope this long winded suggestion is helpful. Keep me posted.

[aaudrab]

Hi Gymnastics mom! I did gymnastics for a while way back, loved it! Now I just do yoga! Anyway- just my 2 cents here so please don't get upset with me if it is not what you want to hear. And by the way, I totally admire that you want to help.

First thought........Where here is the biological mom of these two boys? A lot of the time in situations where kids are young (especially boys) like 9 and 7 and there was a divorce or break up of family and a new "mommy" figure is now in the house, with 3 kids of her own...omg- think about that. You are having your own doubts about it, think about how the boys feel. The behavior issues at school could be just a reaction to the change in circumstances they are experiencing at home which they go to school and retaliate. Or, Yes, absolutely ADHD and ODD may be a factor, but think this through........these boys are experiencing such a major change in their young little lives and sharing their dad with you, and your 3 kids- it's a lot to deal with for an Adult, a child is not equipped mentally or in any way shape or form to deal with it. If at all possible, get therapy for you and your boyfriend- couples or relationship therapy to determine if the two of you share common interests with blending this family? Do you agree on religion, child rearing, discipline, finances, work, holidays, etc. If the two of you are not on solid ground with all that- it will be difficult to move forward here. If you are a solid team, then pursue the assistance of a blended family therapy specialist. A good one will be able to point you in the right direction.

Best to you and the kiddos!!!!!!