Is Something Wrong With Me?

New here. I want to start off by saying I've been to many counsellors and psychologists in the past, and have been diagnosed with severe ( social ) anxiety, severe depression, and chronic agrophobia. I'll also provide a little background. I'm turning 15 this June, my mother is single and disabled, I live with an older and younger sister, and when I was younger my doctors thought I had Aspergers ( It turns out I was just 'intelligent for my age'. Don't worry, I know. I hate saying it too. ) I had a lot of issues with school and am currently attending distance education ( where they send schoolwork through the mail or online and I do it from home. )

For the past year or so something has been the matter. I don't know if I'm fabricating these symptoms in my head, but wether or not I am, they've still been happening.

I've been very irritant, I hate being told how to do something, or having something repeated to me. I also hate being talked to or distracted while I'm occupied. I've felt very distant from everyone I know, even my friends. I don't want to talk to anyone, and even remembering that there are other people in the house with me makes me want to cry and scream. I have a wildly powerful desire to live in a secluded cabin in a mountain, specially in Norway, and starve to death there. I thought it may because I always seem to embarrass myself when I speak, but that doesn't sit right with me. I just don't want to talk to or see anyone. Including animals, and even my neighbours, it just upsets me to know they're there.

I keep having thoughts that won't leave my head, and the only way to get rid of them is to do something else. My favourites include music or tidying up the house. Which, I do a lot of. My younger sister hardly cleans, my mother is disabled, and my older sister is lazy and overweight. I love cleaning, but I hate cleaning up things that I told them to take care of, or messes they've made on their own accord. Along with the thoughts, I also get urges to do things. Not a voice telling me to do it, but more like an image of me doing the action. For instance, I was sitting on the floor in my room the other day, and I saw a cup of water. I got the urge to pour it over my head, and tried not to, but I was so zoned out that it just seemed to happen on it's own.

That's another problem, zoning out. I do it more often than not, especially if I come across a mirror or notice my body. I feel extremely out of it and as if the world is moving around me, I suddenly feel extremely aware of the galaxy. I understand that sounds strange, but it's the only way I can describe it. I feel out of my body and as if I'm controlling a stranger like a game. If I cross a mirror I'll get stuck there for hours just staring at the person on the other end. It doesn't help that I'm uncomfortable with my gender, and I seem to look different every time I see myself. I can't picture a clear person or shape in my head, and I get surprised when I see images of my face or body. If I take a picture of myself I immediately go look at it to see if it looks the same.

I spend a lot of my time cleaning up and washing my hands over and over after touching anything, washing my face, scrubbing the bathroom, having showers, during which I zone out even more and don't recognise myself. Although sometimes it does help me focus and calm down. My little sister is very messy and if she goes to the bathroom and asks me to help her clean up I usually cry. I want to impress my friends and seem cool and fun to be with, but another part of me feels like I could never achieve that, like I just wasn't made to be a cool or attractive person, and what's the point in any of that anyway?

I have trouble keeping up with schoolwork and hobbies. I feel extremely apathetic towards anyone I know and no matter how hard I try I can't feel anything for them, and I get upset when someone asks if we can Skype or play a game together. Part of me wants to improve myself, but the other part feels like there's no point to anything I do. Like, there's not even a point to there not being a point. When people in my family are going back and fourth about something I get absolutely enraged and just end it abruptly with a statement that closes the conversation so I can walk away and stop hearing the same thing over and over, and it happens with friends, text posts, even strangers online. I get mad when I notice what people are trying to make me feel, like I want to go against their expectations but I also want them to know that I knew what they were trying to do. For example, I recently bought a shirt with a show on it, because it had a joke from a show that is irrevocably stupid, and so me and my friends joke about it a lot. My sister saw the shirt and stared dumbly for a minute before pointing and saying, 'it's a *show* shirt!' And that pissed me off so much I raised my voice, saying, 'yes? So? Of course it's a *show* shirt??'

I feel as I feel my personal life is detached from my family life. Like they're all stuck on a different plane of existence with my schoolwork and I don't want to be there. My mother also thinks I don't have depression or agrophobia, which, I don't know if I have any of them either, but she's obsessed with my anxiety and mentions it before anything else when I talk to people. Since I've been officially diagnosed it would help if she could write it in the 'medical complaint' section of school letters. Another thing I forgot, I usually cry when I'm saying something and I'm nervous instead of angry. I won't be upset or embarrassed, it'll just happen on it's own.

There's very little I get excited about these days, I don't eat much and I excercise a lot, I constantly think about suicide, I used to get extremely depressed and just cry for hours but now I don't see the point in getting upset. I want to pass on so badly so I don't have to worry about if I'm doing something correctly or being nice enough, or if there's even a point to doing something correctly or being nice, but then I wonder what the point would be to dying? I don't mean, I don't have a reason to live, I mean I just can't understand what the absolute goal is in finding a reason to live. It's hard to explain, but hopefully it came across.

I understand that was long, but anyone who reads it will read it I suppose. I don't want to go to a psychologist again, and I definitely don't want to go if it seems like I've made all of this up in my own head. Does it sound as confusing to you as it does to me? Is this just routine teenage angst? Most of the time I don't feel excited or upset, and my mother usually gets mad when I talk to her because I just say 'ok' or give her some abrupt solution. For example, if she's fighting with someone I'd tell her to just drop it, as in, there's no point to dragging it out when you could just say you're finished and stop then and there. If you're waiting for someone to say sorry, just forget it. There's no point in continuing a fight when you could just stop it now. I'm constantly told I need to smile more and even get in trouble by family for looking so 'upset' all the time. Part of me wants to feel something, but the other part, once again, doesn't see the point in putting in all the effort. All I do these days is clean, exercise and shower, so I thought I may just be bored, but even when I go out with friends I feel dull and people ask if I'm upset or to speak up.

I've noticed I usually just use people for things. Like, if I want something done, I usually get the person to do it. If I want someone happy, I just need to make them happy. If I want someone to shut up I just need to end the conversation. I don't know when it started but even I annoy myself when I do it. I usually don't do it with money, especially since I don't usually buy much, and if I do I can buy it out of my weekly food money.

I also seem to act differently around whoever I'm talking to. This doesn't help in not being able to recognise myself, and kind of ties in with, I suppose, 'manipulating' people. I always want to seem better than my friends, and have specific personalities tied to different people. No matter what, though, I don't want them to know I feel troubled. I suppose because I don't want them to think I'm asking for attention or faking something? But if it's a battle of, 'who's the most upset' with a friend, I'll try to win for some fucking reason, even though I hate people who are like that.

I think I'm finished. It's long, but this is the first time I've ever written this down, or really thought it all out in my head.