Lost

[Lostintheboat]

Hi everyone,

This is my first post. I don't really know what I'm doing. I don't even really know where to start. I know something is wrong with me. I've had a really hard time lately with everything. Being around people is hard. I work customer service and that's fine. But when I have to interact with anyone else other than my boyfriend and cat it's exhausting. I feel uncomfortable and I just want to run. I've also been feeling very helpless. Like I have no future or hope. My weight effects every minute of the day. I am always constantly thinking about it. Constantly thinking about my weight, what I'm eating, what I should be eating what I should be doing instead of being fat. I know logically weight shouldn't effect happiness but I truly feel like my life would be better if I was happy with the way I looked. It effects so much. It takes up so much space in my head. It even effects my sex life because I hate being naked. That might be tmi. I guess I should backtrack here. Growing up I had a pretty normal life. I got picked on sure for being overweight and ugly but I'm pretty sure everyone goes through that. I can even look back and remember whee it all started. I was in the first grade and my mom took me to the doctor because of my weight. While I was a thick kid I was not obese by any measure. My mom however had an eating disorder. Which I think plays a lot into how I see myself now. Because she has a problem with my weight when I was 6, it meant then I had a problem with my weight. I remember I was so confused about why the doctor was asking me about food and exercise. I was 6 I had no clue what that even meant. And then I remember being in class after that and thinking "I'm fat I need to go get my jacket out of the cubby to cover myself up". I've thought about this A LOT over the years. 6 years old. One of my first memories, was in 1st grade. And it was that. So from 6 until 23 I've thought about this every single day of my life. When I was 15 I noticed my dad drank a lot of beer. Ran his own business was very successful but I always saw him with beer. And one day I told him he was going to die. He laughed at me and said don't be silly. Fast forward to when I was 20. He died. He drank himself to death. And before his death he lost his mind. Literally. That happens to alcoholics a lot. He said some pretty awful things to me that I know he wouldn't mean if he was healthy. But that doesn't make me feel any less. He told me it was my fault he was dying. That I drove him to drink. One night he even told me his suicide plan and that when they found him with a byllet in his head that i would know it was my fault. I've been dealing with losing a father while also dealing with all of the things that happened before losing him. It's been 3 years now and I've done nothing with my life. I work customer service with no real future ahead of me. Living paycheck to paycheck living with my mom who's told me to get out of her house several times. Who's told me she doesn't owe me anything. And that everyone else my age is living by themselves. Before my dad died me and here we're best friends. Now we can hardly be in the same rooms I've changed and so has she and now we both hate each other. We're grieving completely differently. The way that I thought my family was isn't the case anymore. All of the views I had of my family all surrounded my dad when he was healthy. And I just didn't know. I thought it was my mom. But it was my dad. He controlled everything in the family. His views were the family views. And now I'm finding that my mom has no desire to continue that. Even so much as to wanting to give up the family pets. Which my dad would never in a million years ever due. I thought that what my family was like. I know I'm rambling here. I don't even really know how to put it all into words. I just know that everyday I feel hopeless. That I'll never make it. I have 1 friend. 1 actual friend. And then my boyfriend. My 1 friend moved away to a different state. I don't have anyone. No family. 2 friends one of which I'm dating and that could disappear at any second. I'm totally lost. I have no clue what to do about anything. I have no clue what's wrong with me. I feel very alone. No family to fall back on. Extremely difficult financial situation. No help from my mom. I guess I'm looking for someone to talk to. I'd love a friend.

[Natsteveo]

Hi Lostintheboat

Welcome to our friendly community I welcome you on behalf of myself chloe40 and the lovely Hidden

I hope you find some answers you are looking for there's plenty of members on here including ourselves who know exactly what you're going through..so you've come to the right place..

My heart literally goes out to you with the amount of stress and of course bereavement you are feeling right now...

Sounds to me like you have had so very much stress to deal with you don't know if your coming or going

And with fighting with yourself about t your weight..I don't think most of us ladies are ever happy with our body's I know I always find fault with mine..and it didn't help when you're supposed to get help and support by your loved ones in fact yours is the total opposite.

Keep checking back here for other people's advice and support also maybe join our bereavement care and share site as well

Just take baby steps and be kind to yourself

Nat

[Jacquelinechristina in reply to Natsteveo]

Hi lve been grieving and depressed and wishing l was with them but l talk to my loved ones that past decade tell them what lm doing and it makes me feel they just beside me lve been doing this for years .often people don't talk about people who have died as they scared that you will cry but l cried that they don't .l know this may seem bonkers but do talk to them l see them but we'll that's just me .lve had to realise l will hold a place in mybrain that is sad keep posting lyou not alone

[TruthSi72]

Hello @Lostintheboat

I have just read your post and wanted to reach out and ask how you're getting on?

S

[Jacquelinechristina]

Hi lts me again l stopped eating too l had anorexia when young lm marinating now .it was easy to not eat but then l was so tired l couldn't feel and l thought that was good but then l couldn't go to the trees that were where l felt l was near my loved ones so l eat a bit every so often not huge meals just small so it just happened and no big deal l don't look in mirrors l do dye my hair Marve my daughter's fav colour and blue so it's a bit of her around .l know how you feel ,this may be bonkers but l think l dress for my lost husband and daughter as if they here and eating .keep posting