Needing encouragement

[Curecancer]

Almost 5 years ago, I was diagnosed with a Stage 2A Melanoma. I had the surgery and have gone at least every 3 months for regular checks. In the last year I have had more than 40 moles cut off. Nearly 2/3 of them have been either cancer or atypical dysplastic Nevis. In the last year, I have had 4 more surgically removed following the biopsy results. This week, I had to get 3 more moles cut off. Now ... I wait. You know the routine. I feel mutilated. I literally have more than 50 scars from having moles cut off. I am sick of the way this has become “ my normal”. I have very little support or encouragement on this journey. No one wants to discuss it. I get checked somewhere between every 6 weeks and every 3 months. Only 1 time in 5 years did I not have to get a mole removed at a routine check. I have had as many as 17 removed at one time. As you know, it is painful. Then it takes about 4-6 weeks to heal and that is if there is no further surgery. Then I might get a month’s reprieve before started the cycle again. I am weary. I have a six year old who counts on me to be there and to be present. I am tired of putting on the brave face and trying not to worry. My husband never asks about it and certainly has never helped with wound care. Many of the moles have been in places I can’t reach. My daughter has helped me change bandages etc since she was 3. She wants to be a veterinarian and is into medical things - thank goodness. Anyway, I just need to vent to someone who gets it while I worry and wait. Feeling very alone and in need of encouragement. Thank you.

[VivaciousMo]

Hi there! Thank you so much for your post because I think you put into words what a lot of us feel/think/experience on a very cyclical basis! And needing encouragement is something we all do as well! I will do my best and I'll send you a message in case you need someone to reach out directly to as well-- I'm here!

It sounds like you have had to be so strong and so tough for so long and it's OKAY to have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It's normal and you shouldn't have to always have on a brave face! It can be scary, frustrating, tiresome, and just plain not fun! I know what you mean about feeling "mutilated" as I have been racking up my own scars over the last few years. Sometimes it stinks to have to be so vigilant! I know that every time I go in to see my oncologist or dermatologist I am a little on edge. Since you have to go so often and so often come away missing some new moles, would there be some sort of positive ritual you could tie into each scheduled visit so that you have a good thing to look forward to and help you get through the harder side of it? Maybe something like scheduling a foot massage, buying some bright flowers to put on your desk/counter, treating yourself to a cup of coffee or an hour of alone time at a cute coffee shop? That way you have something little to enjoy and mask some of the negative things?

I have also enjoyed making up funny/crazy stories so that when a little kid (or bold adult) asks me about my scars or compression stockings I have something to entertain them with I don't think it will ever be fun to have so many scars but maybe we can at least change how we tell our stories about them? I don't know...

Part of me wonders if your husband doesn't ask about it because he doesn't want you to think he is worried or to worry you. I know mine is that way. If it feels like something you could say, maybe mention that sometimes you just need to discuss/get it off your chest and see if he is open to it? Otherwise, there are lots of people here who have been through what you are going through and can be there to listen!

thanks for sharing! Your physical and mental well-being are important so make time to take care of yourself

Moriah

[Curecancer in reply to VivaciousMo]

Thanks so much! It helps to know I am not alone.