I've just been getting bigger and bigger and bigger whilst getting sadder and sadder and sadder.
I really need to change my habits but I just don't know how.
I make excuses and am just too lazy to just do anything with myself.
My anxiety and depression has just gotten SO much worse over the past year since starting uni. I have usually lead a sheltered life, so living on my own and having to go out is a big deal for me.
Since uni, I have also started drinking. A lot.
I practically live on lasagne, ice lollies, chocolate, crisps, wine, bread, cheese and pasta..and I feel bad for it because I hate how I look but because I hate myself, I just think to myself "well why the hell not carry on as you are, you'll never be happy anyway".
But I want to be happy because this is starting to haunt me so much. I'm so depressed. I don't want to keep living whilst feeling like this.
I started to skip lectures and slack with my projects because any time I leave my flat I get insane panic attacks. I can't walk down a street without getting paranoid that everyone hates me and wants to kill me or feel disgusted at my presence or just want me to kill myself to save them from having to see such a sight.
The only way I can handle being in public now is if I'm drunk; I've gotten addicted to relying on alcohol to prevent panic attacks; I love the sense of confidence I gain and that's all I ever can wish for and it's the only way I can get it.
I want to be able to go out for walks and do my shopping without the drinking and being really paranoid.
I want to be happy in myself; to be able to wear different clothes that don't drag me down (not the same XXXL hoody and skirt that I've been stuck in for the past year, which are starting to rip and have holes, I look like a tramp).
I want to be able to focus on my uni projects and do the best that I can not just waste my years.
I don't want to be terrified stepping one foot out in public.
I don't want to hate myself so much that I just keep thinking of ways to die.
I don't want to quit uni after fighting so hard to get there.
I need help but I'm too scared to ask for it, I tried to grow a pair and finally call my GP about therapy for a start and had a phone appointment with her but was told it could take up to 6 months for a referral, does that mean I won't get the help I need now?
I really need help.
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hannahhh
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Pick a project or something that you really want to do. I use to drink a lot and felt that life was really not worth living. Then my eldest son was killed for months I drank and took tablets. After a year my life changed when my grand daughter was born. Life took on a new meaning, I stopped drinking still took the pills. Think of something you would really like to do and do it. Good luck
sorry to hear that, but i'm glad new life came with new meaning.
and well, I'm an artist, so I should always have something to do really in the sense of keeping myself occupied with something i enjoy..but i have no motivation what so ever, nothing seems to interest me..
Hi hannakas, thank you for sharing how you feel, it takes some real guts and strength to get those words out. I've recently gone through some counciling organised through the NHS live life better programme, and it helped a lot. it was organised through my GP surgery. Although 6 months seems like a long time, it'll be worth the wait, I promise. It helped me gain some perspective and feel more positive. If you can tough it out until then, please do.
I know exactly how you feel about the fear of going out and that drink makes it easier. If you ask anyone, I'm an outgoing, laid back, fun loving girl but on the inside, I'm dying. But I was told that if I felt as though I was being looked at and if I felt someone had a problem with me, then that was their problem...why should I take on their problems. Easier said than done but it helps a little.
I hope you can find some strength in yourself to hold your head up high, and allow yourself some credit and self love.
There's a lot of us can relate to how you feel, I'm sure. And from my experience here (which hasn't been a long one) there's many supportive and encouraging words.
I will have to wait it out yeah, im just bashing myself for wasting a whole new year in a new town when i could have had the help by now instead of it worsening; i just feel like in the 6 months, things could get worse. I need it now but I guess I'd have to go private for that but I wouldn't be able to afford.
Regarding being looked at, I can't see to find the strength to bounce it off, ive always felt inferior due to my race since i was a kid, so it's hard to think otherwise, i just feel like if someone has a problem then its an issue i have to fix by hiding myself from the world, i just dont always want to be locked away..
I havent explored this site much, but everyone seems sweet rather than bashing me and i appreciate that, thanks x
Don't beat yourself up, you've not wasted a new year, you've embraced it. Who says the year has to start in September or January. There's never a perfect date to start something, it's just the time when you feel ready.
It's sad to hear that people suffer as I do too, it's so horrible these feelings exist. But it's nice that there are forums for us yeah, like I mentioned in a response to JOS79, I havent explored it much but from what i've gathered so far, it's comforting.
I enjoy walking but I don't enjoy being outdoors so thats crossed off my list, as is the gym, and I get really paranoid when i excersise in my flat cause jumping makes loud noises to the neighbours below, i dont want them thinking wtf lol..
Thank you though, I think Im more determined than ever to lose weight now!
No more binge eating, no more snacking on useless crap when I'm bored and experiement with veg.
It will be nice to hear from you again yeah at the moment, I'm trying out this app called myfitnesspal to count calories and monitor what I eat which I will hopefully go by!
You are trapped in a body you don't want to be in and your mind is also in the same place.
You are stuck in a dark place and feeding into it "literally" whether it be with food or drink.
It's the emotion that is taking over, the feeling of wanting to sabotage one's self before wanting to fix what is broken.
The best way to describe what your feeling is a quote from a Jessey J song "
I stare at my reflection in the mirror, why am I doing this to myself,
losing my mind on a tiny error, I nearly left the real me on the shelf
No, no, no, no
Don't lose who you are, in the blur of the stars
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It's okay not to be okay
Sometimes it's hard, to follow your heart
Tears don't mean you're losing, everybody's bruising, just be true to who you are".....
Sometimes life just seems to get harder and harder and we don't know where to turn so we bury our head in the sand, but let me tell you that the sand only goes so deep and you have to come up for air at some point. At that point you can make a change and change your life for good.
All what you tell yourself comes from deep within so listen to the voice that tells you that " YOU CAN" make a change and" I CAN DO THIS"
Believing in your yourself and your abilities is so powerful so once you find that self belief please let me know. The only person stopping YOU from believing is YOU so start believing in YOU from today and make a change. I wish you every success and the very best of luck on your journey and thank you for sharing your story. It has touched me
I've never been able to talk to people about how i feel because I'm so embarrassed and all my parents do is shout at me, so it's been hard.
I'm glad to have found this site, it's nice to be able to talk bout how i feel without people telling me off for complaining.
I do feel positive and more inclined to make a change this time round, I will discipline myself to do better by myself
Thank you so much for your kind words! The support has been amazing on this post <3
Hi Hannakas, what subject are you studying? I know everyone says it, but drinking alcohol does just make it all worse in the end, both in terms of dealing with shyness and weight, as well as other things. I stopped drinking alcohol completely around last September (2014) and went from being at the lower end of obese at over 14 stone to 'merely' overweight at about 12 stone 8 pounds today. I did get down to 12 stone 4 pounds at the end of June but put a bit back on mainly though slipping back into eating takeaways in the first few weeks of July. I found that giving up alcohol and takeaways (Chinese and Indian mostly), plus going out for walks whenever possible, made the difference. I need to get to 11 stone 11 pounds to be the top of the healthy weight range for my height.
Heya, thanks for sharing. It's good to hear that cutting something out of your diet can make a difference!
But I don't think I can give up alcohol just yet, it's my only source of happiness. I enjoy drinking but classmates are starting to avoid me because I drink too much so I now go out on my own ao I won't feel like a burden. (I tend to attract assholes but it's nice to have some attention either way)..
Hi Hannakas, really sorry to read your post. I can recognise a lot of my own experience in your post. The first thing to say is you need some personal and professional help and whether you like the idea or not you need to INSIST that you see your doctor tomorrow! Its not good enough that they have fobbed you off. If your leg was hanging off they'd get you some treatment straight away.
You should read your post out to them then email it to them. They can ignore a phone call - put it in writing and they HAVE to act. The six months is a slow referral to psychological help. You need a referral under IAPT Improving Access to Psychological Therapies. you can find yours here:
Get a referral - DEMAND A REFERRAL! When you engage you'll find they respond really well.
The next thing is to do something to help yourself. I know it sounds a bit wishy washy but its not - go onto Amazon and order a paper copy of
Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic by Mark Williams. You might also want to look at the Workbook (Mindfulness: A practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world) worldamazon.co.uk/books/dp/07499...
These are the best self help materials for anxiety and depression available - believe me I've tried everything else and this works (Its confusing at first, but It works)
The next thing is to re assert your identity - you are person who happens right now to be suffering from anxiety and depression and as a result have put on weight. You are Person! As good and as wonderful as any other.
Next you can do something right now and thats doing without the alcohol. Yes it might be tough at first but its only tough at first. Alcohol is a depressant and you don't need any more.
Next is you need to draw up a list of the things you are avoiding, rank them in order and then just go and do them, least worse to most worse. If going out is the first just go and do it and notice how your experience will not match your fears!
Depressed people stop moving and stop interacting with people - you've just done the second one by interacting here! Its VITAL you do as much moving and as much interacting with people as you can and you could do that in the next hour. You could walk outside, you could write another post, would cut call or text someone. You know you can do this!
You'll look back on this as the time you made that step. That step to owning and facing your thoughts & feelings. You've take action. Now take some more! When we take action, stuff happens. You aren't alone!
I really wanted to tell my GP I can't wait 6 months, otherwise my anxiety will get the best of me, that I need it now, I made that move now and it was a big deal, 6 months is a long time to continue going without help but I was scared. I will have to try book an appointment again and try to see the doctor face to face (I didn't bring up my weight issue). Hopeful I won't have to wait if they realise how urgently I need it..
As for alcohol, I personally don't want to stop drinking just yet, it really is the only thing that helps me even go out to do a basic thing like walking to Tesco for my weekly shop. Up until I get therapy and advice to help ease the paranoia and panic attacks, then I will try; but at the moment, it's the only way I can feel like a normal person, crazy loud drunk, but people pay me attention and talk to me, without that, I'm a boring recluse who gets ignored or stared at weird.
I understand exactly what you are saying but please I am begging you forget about killing yourself. I wish I could meet you so we could have a proper non judgemental talk. For people like you and I there is still so much we can do with ourselves while showing the size zero sticks walking around. I was thin for years. People made fun of me for it, the I put on weight and they made fun of me for that.
People are never happy, but please if you ever want to talk you can find me on face book under Tracy Heary or you can snail mail me, my address is 40 Mount Farran, Asumtion road, Blackpool, Cork City, Ireland.
Please feel free to contact me day or night when you need some one to talk to.
It's just so hard though, from a young age I've ALWAYS cared about what people think of me..people tell me not to, but its easier said than done.
My obesity problem started in primary school when I realised I wasn't like everyone else, I wasn't white and it made me feel like an outcast; I've hated myself since I can remember and just binge ate as a result.
And because of that I secluded myself from kids whilst growing up, never made friends, never did anything outside of school hours ever, just locked myself in my room (sucked into an online world, talking to people online as an escapism and creating a world in my mind by lying about who I was) and instead ate myself obese for years and years and years.
But now that I've gotten older, and had a few good experiences after starting college, I want to be able to explore my surroundings, want to make friends, want to be happy but I can't even leave my bedroom because of what I've done to myself over the years. Completely wrecked myself beyond fixing.
I'm so lonely, I know no one will ever love me, and I'll never have anyone, nor will I have a happy future, so it just makes me realise how pointless living is if all my life has been is a vicious cycle of self hatred. I'm going nowhere.
You have taken all the positive first steps and you should be really proud of yourself for being so honest and open.
Even though your GP has said 6 months you need to go back and explain how sad you are and ask them to try and find something in the mean while.
I went back to my GP and spoke face to face after they told me something similar, as I was so desperate for help, I felt if I didn't do something I would not be able to pick myself up and they helped me find another route into the counselling service. This has really done a lot for my self belief and is helping me with the next stage in losing the weight.
Is there someone at the uni you could talk to as they can often tap into services on your behalf.
Please don't give up, but start to be kind to yourself and don't feel that feel that you are alone.
Ahh thank you. Yeah I'm super glad to have discovered this forum, it's nice to finally be able to read people's thoughts and share mine and get a kind response. I think this will help me greatly (for once, I feel so positive about losing the weight!!!!)
But yeah I think I will definitely have to speak to GP again as I really do need help with my mental health, as for counsellors at the uni, I've never really had good experiences with them growing up..
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at the moment, I'm trying out this app called myfitnesspal to count calories and monitor what I eat which I will hopefully go by!
but I was scared. I will have to try book an appointment again and try to see the doctor face to face (I didn't bring up my weight issue). Hopeful I won't have to wait if they realise how urgently I need it..
A new potato on her journey to being fries
A little bit excited a little bit scared
I Had A Dream
I ate the real me!!
I keep putting this off...
