I have hit the absolute rock bottom. Now at least no one can tell me I am 'just a bit down' because now everyone has seen it. My depression has been getting progressively worse over the past couple of months but no one could see it. Well now they can.
Obviously losing my beautiful Jenifer was the starting point of my depression, however I often get like this in the winter. I don't know if it is the lack of sunlight, the inability to get out or the weather but I just feel so miserable that I feel like I would be better off dead. I went to see the emergency psychiatrist who is filling in for my regular one who is on holiday. She has upped my fluoxetine to 30mg and I will be going to 40mg next week. It has only been two days on the 30 so I doubt that anyone would see any change yet.
Last night my Mum told me that I cannot come home for Christmas. I can visit on Christmas day but I can't stay over because I stress my brother out too much. I'm not surprised because my behaviour is very erratic and I did lash out at him last time I saw him. I feel absolutely terrible about it but I sort of know this is all my own fault. I dug my own hole and now I have to dwell in it. My Dad is trying to mail my presents so I doubt I will see him either. Now whenever I see the Christmas displays, catalogues and adverts, I want to scream. Last night I had a massive tic flurry which floored me and I was just convulsing all over the place. I managed to get up by singing one of my favourite songs between barks. It calmed me enough to get into bed.
This morning I woke up still in a fairly bad mood only to find that someone decided to POLISH the floor last night... I slipped over my own right foot and bruised the top of it so badly it actually made the accident book! It's been polished for a few days now and I was warning them that someone was going to slip at some point... no one listens to me though... They had to listen to my drama queen wailing though as I rolled around, Peter Griffin style, on the floor.
youtube.com/watch?v=k5reDsS...
(for anyone who does not know what I am talking about...)
So with a painful leg, all the misery of the world in my head and knowing my Ralphy has to go to the V...E...T tomorrow to have his scurf treated, I thought 'how can this day go any worse?' Well it found a way. I have been looking at re-taking my maths and science GCSEs and doing psychology along side it. Maths is no problem (typical because I am worst at maths!) because it will only be £80 concession rate. The other college will not allow me to do the science GCSE because apparently I have to sign a declaration saying I have got a job in the sciences... I just want the GCSE!!! So that one's not going to happen. The psychology has NO concessions at all, no matter what age, benefits, disabilities etc. you have. It is over £380 which I cannot pay at all. I ended up having a massive breakdown, crying, screaming and hitting my head into my pillow. I screamed for about two and a half hours before collapsing until 2:00.
On a plus note I forgot to mention my new addition to the house. His name is little Fionn and he is a lemon goldfish.
